Chapter 5
Leena usually settled in for an afternoon nap easily enough, but not today. She stood at the side of the portable crib I’d set up in Beckett’s childhood room, pacifier in her mouth and tears dripping down her face, staring up at me like I’d committed the ultimate betrayal by caging her in there.
But I was a sucker.
I reached in and scooped her up, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Okay, okay.” I rubbed a hand over the back of her head. “I’m right here.”
Instantly, my daughter curled up against my chest, her breath stuttering as the crying stopped, and we both breathed a sigh of relief. Funny how in such a short period, two anxious people could latch onto each other.
I readjusted the pillows until I propped myself up, reclining with her curled up next to me on the bed. She took one big breath in, and I felt her whole body relax, knowing she’d fallen asleep.
I was about to close my eyes and give in to the calm when my phone vibrated in my pocket.
Logan
How’d the wifey take the news? Or am I officially Leena’s legal guardian now?
Mikko
Why would you be her guardian?
Logan
Because Shannon is going to murder you, and I’m your best friend.
Right?
RIGHT?!
When I didn’t reply, Logan continued talking to himself the way he often did.
Logan
Now you have me second-guessing everything. What if we’re NOT best friends? What if I’m NOT Leena’s guardian? What if the earth IS flat?
Mikko
You are insane.
Logan
Insanely funny, yes. I know.
Mikko
I didn’t laugh.
Logan
That sounds like a personal problem to me.
In all seriousness, how’s it going?
I wasn’t sure how to answer that, phone still clutched in my hand, when a shadow passed in front of the open bedroom door. The dim light from the hallway flickered as someone passed in front of the door the second time, then a third.
I clicked off my phone, dropping it to my side.
Shannon kept pacing outside my room, and I leaned my head back against the headboard, waiting her out. Giving her time to collect whatever questions she was about to throw at me next.
When she finally stopped in front of the doorway and pushed the door open to peek inside, I raised a brow. “Ready to ask again?”
She opened and closed that pretty mouth of hers, her eyes showing momentary surprise before they returned to her usual glare.
“Are you a loud chewer?” she whispered.
“What?”
She mistook my confusion for me not hearing her, so she made her way into the bedroom, standing at the edge of the bed.
“I said, are you a loud chewer? I don’t know you well enough to know what I’m getting into, and that’s a deal breaker.”
I barely held back my grin, running a hand over Leena’s back when she moved her head from left to right. “Not that I’m aware of.”
“What about socks?”
“What about them?”
“Do you wear socks in your skates, or are you one of those barefoot fungus-breeding-ground players? Because I will never forget how god-awful my brothers’ equipment smelled, and I can’t do it.”
This time I did chuckle, my chest shaking with the quiet sound. “No fungus.”
“What about cooking? Because I should warn you, I am better at burning food than cooking it. And I’m not your maid. Don’t ask me to do your laundry or anything like that. And I refuse to—”
I held out a hand to stop her words. “These are all things we need to discuss, yes. But if there’s even a chance that we do this—that you agree to marry me—you are not an employee.
I will provide for you, similar to what you have here—no rent, free groceries, a car—but you will have no obligations in my life aside from caring for Leena. Understood?”
“No. I don’t understand. In fact, I can’t understand why on earth you said my name when they asked who your wife was.”
“And why is that?”
Shannon’s head rolled on her shoulders until she looked at me, her expression deadpan. “And here I thought you were the one required to speak with a psychologist.”
I smirked. “Humor me. Explain to me why you can’t understand why I said your name.”
“I’m a bitch, Mikko. Everyone knows this.”
“You’re honest. That’s not the same. And don’t talk about yourself that way.”
“Just because I know I’m bitchy doesn’t mean I dislike that about myself.”
“So why would you think I dislike it about you, either?”
That seemed to stump her, those pretty grey eyes expanding before she looked away.
“You don’t know me, though. We’ve barely spoken before today.
I know you play hockey, you’re Finnish, and your daughter is adorable.
You know I work for the Conways, I drink too much Diet Coke, and own an embarrassing number of romance novels. That’s not enough to hire me.”
“Marry you,” I corrected.
She rolled her eyes. “I’m serious, Mikko.”
“And so am I.”
She let out a long, frustrated breath. “Then explain how you landed on me.”
I rubbed my hand over Leena’s back, buying myself a second to figure out how to explain something I wasn’t sure I understood myself.
“My head is loud,” I admitted. “It’s always been this way. Usually, being on the ice turns it all off. But since I brought Leena home, it’s so much worse. Every decision turns into ten more. Every worst-case scenario plays out before I can stop it. I question everything, and it’s exhausting.”
Shannon’s expression softened, and I kept going, letting the words tumble out of my mouth before I second-guessed this too.
“Every time I’m around you, I swear it’s like the world goes quiet.”
Shannon stopped pacing, turning to face me. “Quiet?”
“I can’t explain it any better than that.” I shrugged, a little embarrassed by how this all sounded. “It doesn’t make any sense.”
“No,” she agreed. “It doesn’t.”
“Trust me, it bothers me, too. It took me three weeks to decide on a new toaster. Making life-changing decisions based on instinct isn’t exactly on-brand.”
“Then why are you doing it?”
“Because it wasn’t a decision. Management asked if I had a secret wife, and before my brain could even catch up, your name was already out of my mouth.”
She searched my face like she expected to find the punchline, but the words continued to spill out as fast as my heart raced.
“Haven’t you ever met someone and just...”
I shook my head.
“It’s not fate, or anything like that.”
That still wasn’t right.
“Just an instant connection. A feeling on a soul-deep level you can trust them. A gut feeling.”
“No.” She answered quickly. “People suck, and the world isn’t cute like that.”
“For someone with that many romance novels, that’s pretty cynical.”
Shannon shrugged. “Books are fiction. The author already knows they’re going to work out. They can make people act the way they don’t in real life.”
“Mm.”
“Don’t ‘mm’ me. I’m not wrong.”
Leena whimpered in her sleep, so I stood up and walked toward the hallway with Shannon right on my heels. The moment the door shut behind us, I turned toward her, trapping her between me and the door.
“What would you like me to say, then? If you don’t want the romanticized version of this, should I tell you I’ve dreamt of you more times than I can count?
That some part of me thinks my subconscious is both the smartest and stupidest fucker for saying your name?
That this is some deeply elaborate ploy to get in your pants? ”
Her gaze shot up to mine, eyes blown wide. Maybe my body was that much larger than hers, but I could have sworn she leaned in.
“At least that’s a more interesting plotline.”
“This is my life, Shannon.” I leaned down until our faces were nearly level, realizing my mistake the moment she licked her lips. Fuck, we were too close. “This isn’t a game. I didn’t come here to play with your emotions, and I promise I never will.”
Her gaze roamed my face, bouncing between my eyes and mouth, chest rising and falling while my brain clung to every movement like a life raft.
But this wasn’t about attraction.
Wasn’t about how before Leena took up every available space in my head, it was Shannon right there, front and center. Had been from the moment I met her.
I took a step back, brushing a hand through my hair.
“I came here to apologize and to ask for help. My daughter’s mother was an addict, and she’s gone.
Now, every single moment I spend away from Leena, I’m terrified to the point where I can’t breathe that something will go wrong.
That little girl has no one but me in her corner, and I can’t—”
I pulled at my hair, grinding my teeth together as I edged into yet another panic attack.
“I can’t fail her.”
A small hand wrapped around my wrist, pulling my arm back down. Once it was back at my side, Shannon’s hands came up to either side of my jaw, forcing my attention back to her.
“You’re not failing her.”
I tried to pull my face out of her hands, to step back, but Shannon held me in place.
“Tell me about her mother.”
“She’s not in the picture. Ava signed her rights away this summer like it was nothing. Like Leena didn’t matter.”
Shannon’s thumb swiped across my jaw. “Excellent. I hate her.”
I chuckled, the sound raw in my throat as the panic in me lessened. Once my breathing returned to normal, Shannon let go and stepped out from under me.
“Tell me what you’re worried about.”
“Right now? I’m worried I sound insane.”
“A little. Next.”
Dammit, I laughed again. “That.”
Her brow scrunched. “I’m not following.”
I turned toward her, feeling the last of my panic attack dissipate the longer I was with her. “That’s why I said your name. Why I trust you. You say the things everyone else is too afraid to say, and I like it.”
This time it was my turn to pace. “My head is messy enough without me having to second guess every single thing someone says. If I’m going to have someone in my life in any sort of long-term capacity, I need to know you’ll tell me the truth.
That you won’t tiptoe around me or hide something from me so I don’t worry.
I worry no matter what, maybe even more when someone tells me not to, because now I apparently need to worry enough for both of us. ”
“Back to Ava. Are you worried Leena was affected by her mother’s addiction?”
“Ava was a partier when I met her. I knew it, but I didn’t know how far she’d slipped down that path. She swore when she found out she was pregnant she sobered up. Everything medically has come back clear for Leena so far, but there are some developmental delays that make me pause.”
“What kind of delays?”
I spun on my heel, facing her again. “Well, if you haven’t noticed, she doesn’t talk yet.”
“Is that why you thought of me? Because I can help?”
“Honestly, I’d forgotten what you were studying until Beckett mentioned it earlier. But it only proves my point. If I had to choose anyone to be my wife, it was always going to be you.”
She frowned, but her gaze darted around my face. I stood there, letting her look. Letting her see that I meant it to the bottom of my soul.
“I chose you because you understand the value of truth, even when it hurts. You look for danger the way I do. You’d protect Leena the way I would. And I think you also understand that actions speak so much louder than words when it comes to loving someone. What more could I want for my child?”
This time, I could see her grey eyes glisten in the low light, not hiding the emotion roiling within. I stepped back into her space, swiping a thumb across her cheek to wipe away a stray tear that slipped out.
“I chose you because I love my daughter more than anything on earth,” I whispered. “And the more I think about it, I bet you could too.”