Chapter 4
Beckett said something after the bomb Mikko dropped on us, but I couldn’t focus on him. Not when my mind kept replaying Mikko’s words over and over again.
Wife.
Married.
Mine.
Mikko’s mouth was moving, answering whatever Beckett asked him, but his eyes never left mine. He was locked in, head tilted a little to the side, gaze roaming my face.
I forced myself to blink, to swallow, to do anything but let my mouth hang open, because what?
“Why me?” I asked, and Beckett’s mouth snapped shut.
Leena was chewing her last piece of cheese, then looked at me and tapped her fingers together, the sign for more. I picked up some more cheese cubes and reached across the counter to add them to her plate, not looking away from her dad who still hadn’t answered my question.
“Why me, Mikko?” I asked again, desperate to know how we’d ended up here. “I’m about as far as you can get from the hockey wives and girlfriends stereotype, and I have the tattoos and emotional baggage to prove it. So why me, Mikko?”
“I trust you,” he said, as if it were that simple.
My head jerked back at his answer, confusion taking over. “You don’t know me. We’ve met what, three times?”
Beckett raised his hand to add something, and his mom grabbed it, bringing it back down. “Hush, son. My show is on.”
Normally, that would have made me chuckle, but right now, my whole life had tipped on its side. “What time is your appointment, Lori?”
“Not yet.”
I shook my head, still refusing to break eye contact with Mikko. My heart raced in my chest, a mixture of confusion and anger and surprise and an ache I didn’t want to think about.
No one had ever claimed me like that before.
Sure, maybe it would have been better to be aware of it before it happened, but still…
“Why me, Mikko?” I said, my voice quieter this time. And dammit, I sounded far more vulnerable than I was comfortable with.
“I shouldn’t have done it,” he said, still dodging my question. “I was panicked, and when Camille said if I had a wife it would be easier, I lied. You don’t owe me anything, and this is my mistake to fix.”
“If you talk to Coach, I bet he’ll understand,” Beckett said. “They might add some more psych evaluations because that was fucking crazy, but you matter too much to the organization. To the boys. It’ll be alright.”
Mikko sighed, the breath deflating his entire posture when he turned to look at Beckett.
“That’s what I’m thinking, too. And maybe a break isn’t the worst thing.
Leena and I are still figuring things out.
A few weeks off will help me get more comfortable with the idea of a nanny.
With leaving her with a stranger, even though I don’t want to. ”
Leena leaned across the counter to grab a strawberry off my plate, and I pushed it toward her. When she looked up at me with a grin, little teeth showing.
Damn, she was cute.
Tiny button nose. Light yellow curls against her nape. Milk belly sticking out between her Denver Yeti t-shirt and navy blue-and-white striped leggings.
I smiled at her, my thoughts churning with every word the others spoke of how they could save Mikko’s career.
My master’s diploma was so fresh, the ink was hardly dry. My clinical hours started next week in Denver, a mix of virtual and in-person sessions.
It was my turn to be selfish.
To choose me.
To change my life so it looked nothing like the one I’d grown up with here in Linwood.
But I couldn’t look away from the precious little girl who needed someone to show up for her, and the man who was so worried about her that he’d had a panic attack in the middle of a game.
When Leena sat back with her berries, she looked up at Mikko and held the fruit up in the air. He leaned forward and bit it out of her palm, and my inner neglected child cried out for attention.
“I didn’t say no yet,” I said.
Imaginary tires screeched as everyone’s attention whipped toward me. My cheeks warmed when Mikko’s shocked gaze landed on me, his mouth still open mid-chew.
“To marrying him?” Beckett said, putting voice to the thoughts that were surely ringing in all our minds.
“Shannon, that’s way more than agreeing to be a live-in caretaker or nanny.
And what about your job? Sure, your speech pathology hours are flexible, but the hockey schedule is brutal.
How would you work around it, especially if what he’s wanting is for you to travel with Leena to games? ”
It wasn’t often Beckett was the voice of reason, but he had some good points.
“You don’t have to do this.” Mikko’s hand tightened on Leena’s waist when she tried to wiggle out of his hold. “I would never force you to do anything you don’t want. This is my life, and my mistake to fix.”
Maybe hearing him take ownership of it was what made me think this through.
Or maybe it was the precious little girl yawning in his lap, needing someone to protect her. To keep her safe when Mikko wasn’t there.
Someone I never had.
“Can I have a day to think about it?” I asked, my heart racing in my chest.
Mikko turned Leena in his arms until she laid her head on his shoulder. “Kyll? rakas. Take all the time you need.”
The alarm on Beckett’s phone went off, and Lori patted his arm. “Can’t be late to see my physical therapist. I heard she’s pretty, so I figured you’d tag along.”
“Emmy is the prettiest,” Beckett said at the mention of his fiancée. He helped his mom off her seat and toward the door.
“And here I thought you’d be the first one of my children down the aisle. Guess I was wrong.” She patted my arm as she walked by, the warmth radiating through me as much as her words.
My children.
My wife.
Mine.
All things I’d never heard, not without them spat in anger.
All things I’d never let myself even dream of having.
“Is it alright if I put her down for a nap in your old room?” Mikko asked.
Beckett waved over his shoulder. “Make yourself at home, buddy. We’ll be back in a few hours and we can chat more.”
Once the front door shut behind them and it was only the three of us, a heavy silence fell over the room.
Mikko still hadn’t answered my question about why he’d chosen me. At least not with anything I could wrap my head around. But all of this had caught me so off-guard, I could feel myself retreating, pulling into that silent spot where I held myself away from anyone and anything that could hurt me.
The worst part was, I couldn’t even decide what it was I was afraid of—that he needed me, or that I liked feeling needed?
Mikko frowned, two little creases appearing between his brows as he rubbed a hand over Leena’s back. “Are you okay?”
No, I wasn’t.
But I couldn’t explain it.
Couldn’t even find a snappy comeback for it.
“I need to finish packing,” I said, then pointed toward the stairs.
The moment I was back in my bedroom, I closed the door and leaned against it for a long moment before crossing to my desk. My laptop still sat open to the budget I’d tweaked for weeks, a mixture of red numbers and zeros that stressed me out every time I looked at it.
The apartment was already figured out. More money than I wanted to spend for less space than I wanted to live in, but it was close enough to my job that the commute wouldn’t be terrible. Heck, anything was better than the trailer I’d grown up in.
Every other number on the spreadsheet worked too, but barely.
Utilities.
Internet.
Groceries.
Student loans.
But there at the bottom was the one line I was expertly avoiding.
Car.
A rental sat outside next to Lori’s car I’d used for the last eight months, but come tomorrow, neither one belonged to me. While Denver had some public transportation, the city was known for its terrible traffic, and I was afraid to rely on anyone but myself.
Every night for the last three weeks, I’d closed my laptop, determined to figure out this last hurdle tomorrow. Too bad tomorrow had officially arrived.
My eyes drifted back to the top of the spreadsheet—Rent.
If I lived with Mikko...
With one click, I deleted the number in that column and every other line filled itself in with green.
I chewed on my lip, looking at the numbers until they blurred together. It wasn’t that I couldn’t make this work on my own—I always found a way.
But this situation wasn’t just about me and my finances.
It wasn’t about Mikko’s career, either.
It was about the little girl asleep down the hall.
Leena didn’t care whether I had a car or an apartment or enough money left over at the end of the month. She didn’t know what an NHL contract was or why her dad had panicked enough to invent a wife. She only knew that the adults around her were supposed to keep her safe.
Unfortunately, I knew exactly what it felt like when they didn’t.
I slammed my laptop shut.
“Dammit.”
Whether or not I agreed to this ridiculous plan, I was moving to Denver tomorrow. The only thing I hadn’t figured out yet was whether I was brave enough to let someone make my life easier, too.