Chapter 31
Four days. It had been four bloody days since Liv left, and the gaping hole she’d left behind hadn’t gotten any smaller. If anything, it felt like it was growing, swallowing me whole with each passing mile.
I lay in my bunk, staring at the ceiling as the tour bus rumbled down the highway towards Winnipeg. The gentle sway and the low hum of the engine did nothing to ease the ache in my chest.
I could hear the guys downstairs, their laughter and banter filtering up through the thin walls. Normally, I’d be down there with them, shooting the shit and enjoying a well-earned beer after the show. But not tonight.
Not when Liv still hadn’t called me back or answered my texts since that first day.
I scrolled through the endless stream of texts I’d sent her. Some of them filled with pure desperation and others a thinly veiled attempt to pretend that nothing had changed.
But everything had changed.
I’d pushed her away and somehow I had to fix it. How I’d do that still eluded me. I couldn’t just abandon the tour and my bandmates. They were relying on me. The fans would be devastated.
I just needed to bide my time. Wait for the right moment and sneak away for a long break. Surely all I needed was a couple of days to convince her that I was serious about us.
Serious enough to go to therapy?
I winced at the thought. That was still a sticking point for me. If I had some guarantee that the person I’d be spilling my soul to would keep their lips zipped, maybe. But I didn’t have the faintest idea how to go about finding that person.
The curtain of my bunk twitched, startling me out of my misery. Lily appeared, her brow furrowed with concern.
“Hey,” she whispered, her voice barely audible over the rumble of the bus. “You alright? We missed you at dinner.”
I forced a smile, the muscles of my face feeling stiff and unnatural. “Yeah, I’m good. Just feeling a bit under the weather, that’s all.”
She studied me, her blue eyes sharp and knowing. I could practically see the gears turning behind them, piecing together the clues I’d unwittingly left in my wake.
My sudden change in demeanour. The way I’d been isolating myself, spending hours locked away in my bunk or staring blankly out the window. The dark circles under my eyes, the beard I hadn’t bothered to shave.
And of course, the glaring absence of a certain brunette singer-songwriter who’d been attached to my hip since before the start of the tour.
“Lewis…” She sighed, her expression softening. “I know something’s going on. Something more than just a bug or a bad day.”
I looked away, my throat tightening. I couldn’t do this. Couldn’t put into words the mess I’d made, the ache that was eating me alive.
“Lily, please. I just… I need some space, alright? I promise, I’m fine. Just need to sleep it off.”
She hesitated, clearly wanting to push, to demand the truth. But to her credit, she didn’t. Just nodded, her hand coming to rest briefly on my shoulder.
“Okay. But I’m here, yeah? When you’re ready to talk. We all are.”
I managed a nod, not trusting my voice. She gave me one last searching look before disappearing, the curtain swishing shut behind her.
I let out a shaky breath, the silence of the bunk pressing in on me. My fingers itched for my phone, for the lifeline I’d been clinging to like a drowning man.
I’d texted Olivia every day since she’d left. Little things, snippets of my day, the random thoughts that popped into my head. Things I would’ve shared with her in person, if she’d been here.
If I hadn’t fucked it all up.
Lewis
Please, just let me know you’re okay.
My breath froze as the dots started to bounce.
Liv
I’m okay.
Two words. Two measly words that simultaneously eased the tightness in my chest and ripped the wound wider.
She was okay. Thank fuck for that. But what did it mean? Was she okay without me? Okay with leaving me behind, with walking away from everything we’d started?
My fingers hovered over the screen, a thousand questions burning on my tongue. But I couldn’t make myself type them out. Couldn’t bear to see them go unanswered, to face the reality that she might not want to answer.
* * *
“I’ve managed to keep the story about your marriage under wraps for now,” Carly said two days later, her voice crisp and businesslike even through the phone. “But it’s only a matter of time before someone else comes sniffing. If you want to keep this out of the tabloids, you need to consider getting that annulment sorted.”
I stood backstage at Winnipeg Arena, my mind a million miles away from the rush of the load out around me. Roadies and techs rushed by, shouting orders and hauling gear, but they might as well have been ghosts. I couldn’t focus on anything but the phone clutched in my white-knuckled grip and the voice on the other end of the line.
The word hit me like a punch to the gut. Annulment. The erasure of the worst and best mistake I’d ever made.
“Carly, I…” My voice cracked, the words sticking in my throat. “I don’t know if I can do that. If I can just… erase what we have.”
“Lewis.” She sighed, and I could picture her pinching the bridge of her nose, the way she always did when one of us was being particularly difficult. “I know this is hard. I know you have… feelings for Olivia. But you have to think about the bigger picture here.”
“I am thinking about it,” I snapped, frustration and heartache sharpening my tone. “Every bloody second of every bloody day. It’s all I can think about.”
“Then you know what’s at stake.” Carly’s voice softened, but there was steel beneath the silk. “If this gets out, if the press gets wind of your hasty Vegas wedding… it’ll be the opposite of what you want for Olivia.”
If our marriage became public fodder, if the tabloids and the gossip rags sank their teeth into Liv the way they had with Tegan…
A vision of me in a suit, standing in some Southern cemetery staring down at a pit in the ground filled my head. It turned my blood to ice.
Maybe you should believe her when she says she can handle it.
“I don’t…” My voice shook, barely audible over the roaring in my ears. “I don’t want to lose her, Carly.”
“I know, love.” The endearment, so rare from our usually unflappable publicist, nearly undid me. “But you can’t have privacy and stay married. It’s just not possible. So you need to make up your mind.”
I closed my eyes, the arena fading away until there was nothing but the crackles of static on the line and the sickening thud of my heart.
She’d never forgive me.
I knew her well enough to know I wasn’t exaggerating. Liv wanted—had wanted this.
I twisted the ring I still hadn’t taken off. I’d started to hate the thought of being without it. Had Liv taken hers off?
“I’ll think about it,” I said, the words like ashes on my tongue.
* * *
Three bloody days had passed since my conversation with Carly, and the word still haunted me.
Annulment.
It clung to me like a second skin. It whispered in my ear as I lay in my bunk, staring at the ceiling, my phone clutched to my chest, hoping that tonight would be the night she called. It taunted me from the stage, the faces of the crowd blurring into a sea of accusation and pity.
It was in every breath, every heartbeat, a constant reminder of what I’d had… and what I was about to lose.
I hadn’t slept more than a handful of hours since that call. Couldn’t seem to shut off my brain, to quiet the voices that warred in my head. One minute, I was resolute, determined to do what was best for Olivia, no matter the cost. The next, I was drowning in doubt, in the aching certainty that letting her go would be the biggest mistake of my life.
But through it all, one truth remained, stubborn and unshakeable.
I needed her. Needed her like air, like sunlight, like the music that flowed through my veins. She was a part of me now, as vital and necessary as the beat of my own heart.
And God help me, I couldn’t let her go. Not without a fight, not without one last desperate plea.
While the bus sped through the night, my fingers flew over my phone screen. Pouring out my heart, my hopes, my dreams in a tangle of digital words.
Lewis
We’re on the way to St. Paul. Remember I was going to take you to see that comedian after the show? I still have the tickets. You could still come.
I stared at the words, barely breathing while I waited for those dots to move. They didn’t.
Lewis
There’s a flight out of Charleston. You’d have plenty of time to get there. We could talk, hang out with no pressure. I just want to see you, cariad.
Seconds ticked by and still nothing.
Lewis
Please, Liv. I just need to hear your voice. Please, pick up.
I hit dial before I could second guess myself. It rang once, twice, the sound echoing in the confines of the bunk. I prepared myself for it to go to voicemail and that I’d have to face the reality that she didn’t want to talk to me, that she might actually be done with us.
“Lewis?” Her voice filled my ear.
“Liv.” It came out choked, strangled.
“Yeah.” She sounded exhausted, wary, like she was bracing herself for something. For me, for the conversation we’d been avoiding for days. “It’s me.”
“I… God, Liv. I’ve missed you so much.” The words tumbled out, raw and unfiltered, the dam inside me finally cracking under the pressure. “I know things are a mess, I know I fucked up, but I… I can’t do this without you. I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”
Silence. A beat, two, three. Each second an eternity, an agony of uncertainty.
“It’s not that simple.”
“But it can be.” I sat up, my free hand fisting in the sheets, desperate to make her understand. “We can figure this out. I know we can. You just need to come back.”