Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
With Gertie ‘laundered’ and all of us back in the habit, so to speak, we headed to the dining area at the main building for what was certain to be horrible smoothies. Fortunately, we’d tapped into Gertie’s snack stash and had some pretzels and beef jerky before we left. At least we wouldn’t starve.
Given what we’d learned from Mildred, I had to find a way to accelerate my play, which meant either making time for Zion to snoop through my paperwork or cornering him for more private conversation about my situation.
I’d have to wait and see his demeanor and how the smoothie snack time played out before I decided which route was going to work best. The number one factor being whether or not his wife was there.
I had a feeling that as long as the Barbies were in residence, she would be hovering, which complicated everything given our short time frame in which to work.
The Barbies were already sitting at one of the round tables when we walked in and they looked over and smiled.
They’d all changed into coordinating yoga outfits, each in a different color, all of which flattered the group as a whole.
I had a feeling it was an intentional move as they made a striking picture, sitting there like a pastel sunset.
Blue Barbie waved.
“Are you okay?” she asked Gertie.
“Oh heck, I’m fine,” Gertie said. “Been down on my knees plenty of times in the church. Getting wet along with it wasn’t that big a deal.”
“You were laid flat out,” Ida Belle said, “after rolling down the bank with a man on top of you. You’re going to be saying rosaries for the next fifty years to get past that one.”
Gertie waved a hand in dismissal. “Ain’t got fifty years, and if God didn’t want that man landing on me then he should have gifted him with more strength.”
Pink Barbie giggled and I gave her a warm smile. They appeared to be into Zion, which meant if I could gain their confidence, I might get some information out of them. And if people didn’t trust a nun, then they weren’t going to trust anyone.
I took the lead and headed toward their table, bypassing the other, and asked politely, “Is it all right if we sit with you?”
The Barbies looked pleased and all nodded and gave me genuine smiles.
I wondered if I hadn’t been a little harsh with my initial judgment.
Despite their looks, arguably shallow pursuits, and somewhat questionable ethics, given the pursuit was married, they seemed nice enough.
And not remotely suspicious, which was ideal.
“Have you ladies done one of these retreats before?” I asked.
They all nodded, earnest expressions on their faces.
“Oh yes,” Purple Barbie said. “We try to do at least one of these a month. We’re all in sales, and it’s horribly stressful.
The only good thing is our schedules are somewhat flexible as long as we’re meeting numbers, so we can do these mini-retreats during the week when the rates are so much better.
Most all of the places offer some kind of a deal at least every couple months.
So we’ve been trying different places for about a year now. ”
“And do you find that they help with stress?”
“Definitely,” Pink Barbie said. “We were all ready to either take permanently to the bottle or start selling something entirely different on Bourbon Street. Oh my God! I’m so sorry! Oh no! Now I’m swearing on God. I’m definitely going to hell.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “Believe it or not, nuns have a sense of humor too.”
“Sister Eileen doesn’t,” Gertie said, giving Ida Belle a disgruntled look.
“That’s because I’ve been living with you for forty years,” Ida Belle said. “I would think the Lord would be done testing my patience, but apparently not.”
I raised one hand as if to say ‘see’ and they all laughed.
“So is this your first time doing a retreat with Zion?” I asked.
They all shook their heads.
“We did one here two months ago,” Blue Barbie said. “The location is lovely as far as being serene goes and the cabins have good beds.”
“The smoothies aren’t great though,” Purple Barbie said. “Fair warning.”
“Sister Gerianne brought snacks,” I said. “We might have imbibed before heading down here.”
“Smart,” Blue said, and they all nodded.
“So is all of this normal?” I asked. “I mean, I’ve never been to one of these before. Zion seems nice enough, but that woman who stomped down to the lake didn’t seem very peaceful.”
Pink Barbie rolled her eyes. “That was his wife, Sapphire. She doesn’t like women around her husband.”
I blinked and stared. “But it’s a yoga retreat. I’m making an assumption, but isn’t it usually women who attend these things?”
“Pretty much,” Blue said. “You get the occasional guy whose girl dragged him along or some sad boy who is desperate for a solution to all his problems, but mostly, it’s women. And let’s face it, if you’re straight and have a pulse, you’re going to notice Zion, even if that’s not your play.”
The other two nodded.
“She was so rude last time we were here that we were going to take this place out of rotation,” Pink said, “but then Zion contacted us and offered us a big discount if we’d try this flash yoga thing he was wanting to test.”
“So we chucked the one we had in mind and booked here again,” Purple said.
“But now I’m almost wishing we hadn’t. I mean, I like his classes, and Zion’s friendly and definitely not hard to look at, but it’s hard to get all Zen with Sapphire glaring at you the entire time.
If you’re really worried about your husband cheating, then maybe don’t marry men like Zion. He’s clearly a player.”
“What does he play?” I asked innocently, and they all giggled.
“A player is a man who likes to have a lot of women on the line at one time,” Blue explained.
“He’s a man-hoochie,” Gertie said.
“Oh!” I said, widening my eyes. “I didn’t mean to imply…”
They all laughed.
“You didn’t imply anything,” Pink said. “You probably assumed we were after him too, right? I know that’s what Sapphire thinks.”
“Well, you did say you found him attractive and you’re always dressed and made up so pretty, so I guess I thought—but that was before I knew he was married.”
“Trust me, that doesn’t change things for a lot of men,” Blue said.
“Or the kind of women who chase them,” Purple added.
Pink nodded. “But we’re in sales, remember? Our biggest clients are married men. You show a little cleavage, smile a lot, and laugh at their inane jokes, and you can sell them anything.”
“Exactly,” Blue agreed. “But in this case, it’s not the sale we’re after but the discount. And trust me, it was a good one. Although I would have paid full price just to see Sister Gerianne tackle him into the lake.”
“I did no such thing,” Gertie said. “The man needs to stop all that pondering and pick up some weights. Can’t handle a hundred and ten pounds.”
Ida Belle snorted. “You haven’t weighed a hundred and ten pounds since you were twelve. But he could probably do with some squats.”
“Like the priests are any better,” Gertie said. “Can’t even lift a communion chalice unless they’re using both hands.”
“It’s a ceremony,” Ida Belle said. “They’re supposed to use two hands. What do you want them to do—put the wine in a funnel and pass it around like a fraternity party?”
“It would speed up mass, which would be fine by me,” Gertie said. “Those benches are hard and my sciatica is kicking before they get through the opening announcements.”
The Barbies all giggled again, and I couldn’t help but smile.
Ida Belle and Gertie were really playing the grouchy-old-nuns role to the hilt.
The door to the dining area opened, and Zion walked in carrying two pitchers of brown liquid.
Sapphire walked behind him with a tray of glasses.
She shot a dirty look at the Barbies before setting the tray on the bar and then stomping to a two-top in the corner and flopping down, arms crossed as she glared at all of us.
Gertie leaned over toward the Barbies. “She doesn’t act old enough to be wearing a training bra, much less be married.”
They all covered their mouths as it was clear by his stiffening that Zion had heard her not-so-low comment. He looked over at Gertie as he poured the brown liquid into the glasses.
“I hope you’re doing okay after our tumble.”
“Why is everyone treating me like I’m some relic that will break at the first mishap? I’m not asking you if you’re okay.”
He forced a smile. “Great. Then you’ll be able to complete the retreat with us. First, we’re going to hydrate and replenish nutrients with a smoothie.”
He passed the glasses of brown stuff around the table.
The Barbies all took small sips, so I followed suit.
I’d drunk and eaten strange things from all over the world, so how bad could it be?
I got my answer quickly. Bad. Really bad.
It was so bitter it tasted as though someone had picked weeds from the woods and put them through a juicer.
Ida Belle lifted her glass and downed the entire thing without stopping, and I was forced to admit she might just be tougher than I was. Gertie eyed the glass suspiciously.
“What’s in it?” she asked.
“Cucumber, kelp, kale, apples, carrots, and some spices that help with cleansing your body.”
Gertie took a whiff of it and pushed the glass back. “I’ll just remain toxic. Unless you want me to be in my cabin ‘cleansing’ for the rest of the retreat.”
“I told you no one likes those smoothies,” Sapphire said. “People aren’t cows. They don’t want to drink grass. Why don’t you throw some ice cream and root beer in a mug? You’d get more takers that way.”
“Now you’re talking!” Gertie agreed.
Zion was clearly annoyed with her comment. “You may be fine poisoning your body with such things, but that is not what I’m teaching people to do.” He gave us an apologetic look. “If you’ll excuse me for just a moment. Please enjoy your drinks. We will meet at five by the bayou for yoga.”