16. Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Sixteen
Luna
A few knocks on the door to my patio startle me, and I turn to find my dad.
“May I join you?”
“Sure.” I hug my knees into my chest as he sits down on the loveseat next to me. We stare at the moon reflected on the water, slivers of silver dancing in the night.
When I returned to the villa, I bundled up in my robe and sat on the balcony attached to my room. The whole walk, I had expected to break down at every step, once I entered the front door, or once I washed my face. But the tears didn’t come. Instead, I caught myself smiling. My steps were light, unburdened. Almost like letting my family see an uglier side of me, a less put-together but more honest side, has given me relief.
“Dinner to remember.”
“I’m so sorry, Dad. I—Tonight was about you. You and mom. I turned around and made it all about me.”
“It is about you. Tonight was about all of you. This entire trip was.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, turning to him. “We’re here to celebrate your cancerversary.”
“Did you not hear my speech?” He gives me a soft jab with his elbow. “I could not care less about commemorating the cancer remission. Give me time with my kids. That’s all I need.”
“Well, I ruined your last night with your kids.”
“The only person who ruined anything was Blake.” He wraps one arm behind me, tucking me closer to him. “You didn’t mess up a thing, LouLou.”
“I’ve let you down.”
“How’s that?”
“You gonna make me repeat everything?” I sigh. “First of all, Tanner.”
“Fuck that guy.”
“ Dad .”
“Pardon my French.” He shrugs. “But he wants to cheat on my little girl? No way.”
“I thought you and Mom liked him.”
“We’re happy if you are. That’s all that has ever mattered. I’m worried you didn’t come talk to us about this.”
I direct my attention to the water, savoring the breeze in my hair. “Cass and Aaron are tough to live up to.”
“You don’t have to live up to them.”
“Sure. But I feel so much pressure to be incredible at everything. To be talented and successful and to have a great relationship. And to make it so no one worries about me. I don’t want you and Mom stressing over me and my life, especially with the cancer, and—I just want you happy.”
“Oh, LouLou.” He kisses my hair. “Your brother and sister, they…well, they’ve dealt with their fair share of disappointments too. You see the best stuff, because how often do we really get together? Once every month or two? Nothing’s ever perfect. Far from it. But your mom and I, we don’t care about that because that’s not life. So I promise you, the only person holding you to those standards is you.”
“It’s so much easier to let you believe I’m as amazing and successful as your other kids.”
“You are. You’re living your journey. We want to know what’s going on in it, good, bad, and ugly.”
We sit in companionable silence for a while, listening to the ocean water thwacking against the support beams below. I hadn’t considered before that I experience my siblings’ lives as a highlight reel—that all the harder stuff, the messier stuff, they deal with on their own. I’ve also chosen a creative career, so my career will look different from theirs. This whole time, I’ve been comparing my life to theirs—and to every other person on the planet—but our lives aren’t meant to be the same.
“So you and Finn, huh?”
“Yeah.” I chew my lip, anxious over what he says next. Finn values what my parents think—so do I—and my dad’s reaction will remind me what a terrible decision Finn and I made together.
“Love?”
“Mhmm. But we finished before we even started, I fear. What I feel for him, it’ll go away.”
“Hasn’t for him.”
I quirk a brow at him.
“Oh, you.” My dad sighs again and pats me on the arm. “That boy’s been looking at you with stars in his eyes for a long time.”
The edge of my mouth curls into a smile as I reflect on simpler times—times when Finn wanted me and only me. Remembering how that ended sucker-punches the happy thoughts.
“Doesn’t matter,” I say, shrugging the memories off. “For all I know, he’s going to pack up and leave for California soon.”
“He’s been looking for any reason to not take that job.”
Finn had gotten so excited in the resort library the other day with his innovative idea, but he may yet change his mind. Maybe a developer position in San Jose seems more appealing—a fresh start, away from me.
“We wouldn’t work out anyway, would we?”
“What makes you say that?” my dad asks.
“We—I mean, he’s Finn. He saw me when I had braces and was obsessed with One Direction.”
“And you’re still here, the two of you. In each other’s lives. Seeing each other through good and bad times like you have since childhood. Sneaking to each other’s hotel rooms in the villa.”
“You knew?” I bury my face in my hands, and my dad lets out a belly laugh. “Did you tell anyone?”
“No. I wasn’t sure, but you just confirmed my suspicions.”
“Dad, seriously,” I say with a chuckle. “Tricking me like that. Could you please not mention that to anyone? Even mom.”
“Cross my heart.” He makes an X on his chest with his pointer finger. “Though it’s a bigger deal in your head than in reality. Finn’s family. We’d be lucky if you two got together.”
“But what if…” I can’t even finish the sentence. What if we don’t work out? What if he ends up not wanting me?
“Finn’s a good man. But Finn doesn’t always recognize that. Sells himself short. Whatever has happened between you, I’m sure he’s scared more than anything. Worried about losing you. But the love you have for him, the love you’ve got for each other is deeper than romantic love. That endures no matter what.”
“Aaron will hate me dating Finn.”
“He’ll get over it. Might seem strange at first, but he’d like you together more than he realizes.”
“He freaked out yesterday,” I say, leaning into my father’s warmth and comfort.
“Your brother may have underestimated your feelings for each other. It’s one thing for you to have a secret affair. Another thing if it’s love.”
I want Finn in my life. Need him. If I went to him right now on my hands and knees and he turned me away, I’d still only ever want the best for him. I’d hurt until the day I die, but I’d rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all.
“Promise me you’ll give something a chance, if you really want it.”
“Sure,” I whisper.
So what do you want, Lou?
“I mean it,” my dad says. “Just like you and your business. It’s hard right now, not the success you’d imagined, but it can be one day. You’re giving it a shot, and I’m proud of you for that.”
He stands up to go, and my vision has faded into a watercolor painting.
“Same with Finn,” he goes on. “Who knows what’s there? But sometimes you don’t have the end in sight. You just have to take that leap and improvise. Might not be perfect, now or ever, but it could get pretty damn close.”
I crawl into bed that night, wishing Finn had spent more time in my room so I could catch his scent on my pillows. I hope he’s okay and holding up. When I check my phone, disappointment barrels into me when I notice he hasn’t texted. I feel like I’m living with my heart outside of my body. What I wouldn’t give to soar to his side this instant.