Chapter Thirteen
Simon
I told myself it was a dream.
The feel of his lips as they slid down the shaft of my cock. His tongue as it swirled around the head. His finger as he pushed past that first ring to press against my prostate, making my back arch and a moan tear from my throat.
I told myself it was a dream because I wanted to give in. I wanted to enjoy what Tony was doing to me. I wanted to come down his throat and not feel guilty for letting him seduce me again. For letting him off the hook for once again breaking into my room and into my bed.
I told myself it was a dream because in a dream anything could happen.
He could let my dick fall from his mouth and crawl up my body and tell me he loved me.
In a dream, he could walk down Main Street with me, holding my hand.
Kissing me as he left the table at the diner where we could have lunch without caring who saw us.
But it wasn’t a dream.
Because I woke up when his lips touched me. I woke up to find Tony in my bed, his mouth on my dick and his finger in my ass. Reminding me that he owned me... body and soul. Reminding me how easy it was for me to give in to his seduction.
Reminding me that I was weak.
Because instead of kicking him out like I did the day before, I pulled him in. My hands went to his hair, and I pulled him closer. My knees pulled up, giving him better access to my ass.
His tongue licked my balls, and I whimpered, like the whore I was.
I looked down at him when he took my dick in his mouth again.
I expected pride.
I expected arrogance.
I would have preferred both because what I saw broke my heart even more. His eyes shone with love as he stared back at me. I felt the tears gather and looked up at the ceiling.
I couldn’t look at him, not like that. There was an old saying: actions speak louder than words. I didn’t want the fucking actions; I mean I did because what Tony was doing to my body right now felt like heaven.
But I needed the words. I wanted to hear I love you. I wanted to hear I need you. I needed to hear You’re mine.
I closed my eyes, trying to block out my thoughts so I could enjoy Tony. Telling myself I would be stupid to stop him after he had already started. Sure, I was asleep when he decided to accost me, but what guy, gay or straight, didn’t love waking up to a blowjob.
Especially from a man who knew exactly what the fuck he was doing. So I ignored the voice in my head that told me to kick him out of my bed again, and I listened to the voice that said, Get it!
I moaned again, louder, when Tony took me into his throat. He added a second finger, and a moment later, my body locked up. I saw stars as I came in his mouth. He took his time swallowing my cum, licking up every last drop as I lay back, spent.
He crawled up my body in silence. He didn’t gloat; he didn’t preen at the way I’d given in after telling him no for the last few days. I would have preferred that.
Instead, he kissed every inch of my body as he moved over me. His tongue flicked at my nipple as his hands held him over me. I stared into his eyes as he sat back on his heels, his hands stroking his cock. He didn’t ask, and I didn’t give him permission.
He didn’t need it.
There were no words between us. Just a silent acceptance of what he was offering. I grabbed the back of my knees and pulled my legs back, opening myself up for him.
I expected a smile at least. A conceited grin showcasing his win. His power over me. Instead, he had a look of awe. He closed his eyes briefly as he lined himself up.
He stared into my eyes as he pushed into me. Silently telling me everything I wanted to hear. I wanted to scream at him to use his words. I wanted to shout that this wasn’t enough.
The only sounds that came out of me were moans and whimpers. Cries of pleasure as he slid deep inside my ass. His hands fisted against the mattress as he held himself over me, pumping into me as he kissed my neck, my jaw, my chin, finally landing at my mouth.
My hands traveled over his chest; the rough hair under my fingers was erotic, causing me to moan into his mouth.
God, I loved this man.
The reality hit me. I’d never be free. Not from him. My body craved him. My heart longed for him. And my brain, well, the big one and the little one reminded me that I would never want someone the way I wanted Anthony Gallagher.
Tony continued his slow assault. He wasn’t hurried; he wasn’t frenzied. It was as if his only goal was to get off. That made it worse. He didn’t fuck me the way he did at the club. He made love to me. The way a lover would. The way a partner would.
The way a husband would.
But that was a dream that would never come true.
I pulled him down until he was crushing me. Then I took the kiss deeper while I moved my hips in an attempt to make him lose control. I needed him to finish. I needed him to come so I could get out of this bed and away from the man who tore out my heart with every thrust.
My lips moved across his jaw to his throat. Down to his shoulder, where I sucked on the skin, leaving a mark I knew no one would ever see. That was the condition. I could do what I wanted to him as long as no one ever found out.
I licked his skin; the salty taste brought tears to my eyes.
Come for me, Tony!
The words never left my mouth. But he heard them anyway. He grabbed my hair in his fist and pulled my head back up, slamming his lips on mine as he pushed deep inside my ass and came with a groan.
His body jerked against me as he found his release. Then he collapsed on top of me. His lips were still relentless against mine. His hands were still wandering over my body.
That was when I noticed.
“What the hell did you do?” I asked, sitting up and pulling his hand over for inspection. His knuckles were busted open.
I looked up into his eyes. Eyes that only moments ago held all the love I had been looking for. Eyes that now held guilt.
“What did you do, Tony?”
“No one touches what’s mine, Simon.”
I dropped his hand back onto the bed. “I’m not yours, Tony.”
I moved to get up, and he grabbed my arm. “You are, Simon. You’ve been mine from the first moment I saw you at the club.”
We stared at each other: him daring me to call him out, and me begging him to... I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. For years I’d longed to hear him say those words, but what did they really mean if I was the only one who ever heard them.
“How did you know?” I asked, changing the subject. I wasn’t ready to ask him the question of whether or not he meant it. Whether or not he would tell anyone else.
I was afraid of his answer.
“I had Nav scour the cameras.”
“So you saw.”
He sat up and leaned against the headboard next to me. He picked up my hand and held it in his lap.
“No, Nav wouldn’t send me the video. But he told me what happened.”
I inhaled and shrugged. “Wasn’t the first time,” I said flippantly, as if it didn’t matter. As if what Cletus did hadn’t affected me.
“With Cletus, or in general?”
“Is he dead?” I asked, ignoring his question.
“No. Mimic and Indie met me there. King sent them to make sure I didn’t kill him. He’ll be drinking from a straw for the foreseeable future, though.”
I snorted at the absurdity of those two being the moral compass that kept Cletus alive.
“He’ll assume we’re together,” I said without looking up. “He’ll start spreading rumors about why you came to my defense.”
“This town knows we don’t take shit from anyone. For any reason. He’ll know you’re protected by the club.”
But not by you, I thought. Because he wouldn’t want anyone to know that. He wouldn’t want anyone to know he defended me, not because that was what the club did, but because I was his.
He might have been willing to say I was his in the bedroom, in the afterglow of sex. But not outside. Not in town where it mattered.
I moved to the edge of the bed, and Tony caught my arm. “Hey.”
“I need to take a shower so I can cut Grace’s hair,” I reminded him.
“You want some company?”
I stared into his hopeful eyes. I held back my retort and nodded with a smile of my own. One I had perfected over the years. One that covered over the hurt and pain I was feeling. Tony smiled back and rushed around the side of the bed, taking my hand.
When I stood up, he kissed me. His hands held the sides of my head, and he kissed me long and deep. I knew what it was. An apology without the words.
God, I was so fucking pathetic.
Because instead of pushing him away like I should have, I took what I wanted from him. We showered together, and unlike yesterday, this time, when he ordered me to my knees, I dropped in front of him.
I let him fuck my mouth and then my ass again. I gave him everything I had, hoping someday things would change.
Because I was weak when it came to Anthony Gallagher.
I loved him. And I didn’t want to live without him, so I took the crumbs he gave me and tried to convince myself it was enough.
After the shower, we dressed in silence. We’d barely spoken to each other since waking up. Neither one of us wanted to chance breaking the truce we’d come to.
Truce. I scoffed.
It wasn’t a truce; it was a surrender.
My surrender.
I was always the one who surrendered when it came to our relationship. Tony was the dominant one, and I was the submissive one.
In the bedroom, I loved it. I wouldn’t change a thing. I loved the way he controlled my body and mind. The way he dominated me.
But outside, in the world, I wanted to be his equal. I wanted him to see me as someone he could build a life with; someone he could lean on when life got tough.
Someone who would protect him. His heart, his mind, his reputation. I wanted him to put everything in my hands and let me help carry the load.
But that wasn’t how he saw me. I knew he loved me; that was never a question. He just didn’t love me enough to make me a part of his life. I didn’t think he was ashamed of me.
Not until we pulled into the clubhouse.
I reached for the door, and Tony stopped me.
“Simon,” he said, looking up at the brick building. “Inside.” He paused, taking a deep breath.
“I know Tony. I won’t touch you. I won’t tell anyone what we did this morning.”
He blew out a breath and turned to me with a guilty look. “You can’t call me Tony.”
My eyes widened. I nodded without a word. Knowing what he meant. “Simon.”
“I understand, Matlock.”