Chapter 11
Tavi
The smell of coffee lured me downstairs and into the kitchen to find Mari on the phone to her husband.
She ushered me inside, and motioned for me to grab a mug before she pressed a button on the coffee machine and headed out of the kitchen, while listening to him rant at her.
Well, that’s how it sounded anyway. He could have one of those voices that carries, but I doubted it, with the way she hightailed it out of the kitchen, leaving me alone with the coffee machine churning and the sounds of the birds outside.
I looked out the kitchen window, to a large backyard with a pool, littered with blown up pool floats and balls.
It was the epitome of a house with kids.
One I had very much wanted for myself with Van.
Hardy would have lost his shit if I dared ask for a house in the suburbs with a pool and backyard, maybe a dog, for Van to grow up with.
Hell, I wanted a brother or sister for him too, but there was no way in hell I would give Hardy the idea of that.
I didn’t want another connection with him.
It was why seeing Van with Bane, and how much fun he was having, was giving me chest pangs.
He was loving everything, not knowing what was going on around us, just the way I wanted it.
I didn’t want him to hate me when he was older, I didn’t want him to be scared anymore.
What I truly wanted was Van screaming Daddy when he saw Maverick come through the door of our suburban house, maybe somewhere close to his step-brother and sister, and where I could hang out with Mari for that supportive friend I needed.
I’d never had one since being with Hardy.
Hardy had never allowed it. Maverick would be the strong and firm kind of father, but also the one who would crack and give Van everything he wanted when my back was turned.
The kind that would put my son–no, our son–to bed, before he came down the hall to our bedroom, and fucked me like he owned me, and needed to remind me I was his.
God.
Stop thinking about him.
He would never want to be with me. Not after everything. He’d felt betrayed. He should. I chose to put myself in the path of the Sons, knowing he would protect me. That was who he was.
But that’s all we were.
A woman and her son to be protected, saved from a terrible situation, and then he would send me on my way. Just like he was doing now.
I had to get away from here. Away from him.
Away from the temptation that was Maverick.
The coffee finished and I pulled my mug away when the machine screen went back to the normal selection display. The smell was next level. Like I’d just walked into a Starbucks shop.
Taking a sip, I had to resist the urge to moan at the sweet and bitter taste.
It was fresh coffee, I knew that much, just from one sip.
The birds outside were singing their morning songs, and it made it feel like a normal morning, just like they sold you in the movies.
But not everyone had an asshole husband threatening to take your son away and do with you as he pleases, nor do they have a hot biker who could make all your dreams come true and currently pissed the hell off because, for all intents and purposes, I was the enemy.
I was the daughter of the man who started a war with the Shackled Sons for more land.
I shouldn’t be here.
The sound of soft music dragged my attention away from my misery.
I followed the path to a sunroom set up to look over the backyard.
A large canvas stood in the middle of the room, paints scattered all over the nearby table.
Lani was moving to and fro, in front of the canvas, her brush moving over sections of her art.
I could see papers pinned all around the room, inspiration pictures, but also other works she’d completed.
I marvelled at her talent. Lani moved to change her paint and I saw the picture she was working on. My heart beat a little faster when I saw who it was.
Maverick.
Mari told me that Lani and Maverick’s relationship was strained at best. He didn’t know how to talk to his daughter, now that she was sixteen, and didn’t want to drag her into a life she didn’t know what to do with. She, detached from her own father but secretly wanting his acceptance.
It made my heart ache.
My own father was an evil man, but for his kids he was an okay dad when he wanted to be.
I’d only ever wanted his acceptance, but I had the wrong gender.
Mannix had been favoured, not that he wanted the attention.
It had been one of the reasons why I acted out.
Especially when I found out what my father was going to use me for.
My heart ached for not waiting around for Maverick to return that night. Things could have been so different if I’d just stayed at the clubhouse, for him.
“Oh!” Lani jumped a few centimeters when she turned to see me standing in the doorway. “I didn’t see you there.”
“Sorry,” I replied. “I shouldn’t have intruded.”
“It’s okay,” she said quickly. “You can come in. It’s not finished yet.”
I stepped inside the room, and took in the painting in front of her. Her lines were perfect, confident and spaced evenly. It looked just like him, worry lines over his brow ridge, as if he were deep in thought.
“You’re painting from memory?”
She nodded. “I know, I should use a photo or something, but I usually just paint what’s on my mind.” She was solemn for a moment, her eyes raising up to her artwork again, as she chewed on her bottom lip. “I should hate him, and I know I act like I do when he’s around, but…”
“No, babe, he’s your Dad. Even if you’re angry with him. This is your outlet, you can paint him and remember that he’s still human, and still your father. You should be proud. Your art is gorgeous.”
Lani flushed a little at my praise, and I could tell she didn’t show her art to just anyone. That filled me with a sense of pride that she was letting me see this side of her.
“He didn’t want to be my dad.”
“Oh, Lani, that’s not true. He just thought he was doing the right thing to protect you.”
“Wouldn’t being here be the best thing to protect us?” she countered, and I had nothing to debate with, because I believed she was right. Somehow, I knew Maverick did what he did to protect them, because he believed this was the only way.
“Being a parent is hard. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever experience, but it’s also the best thing you’ll experience.
Something that tears you apart, and yet, something you crave more than anything.
The love you have for your child upon them taking their first breath is…
intense. I believe he thought he could protect you by not being around, and that was his choice to do that.
He chose to protect you because he didn’t think he could do it by being in your life.
That had to be the hardest decision to make.
I couldn’t imagine the pain he would have experienced in not seeing you everyday.
Van is my entire life. He drives me absolutely mental, and yet, I enjoy spending time with him, playing with his trucks, and listening to his endless chatter about cars and The Wiggles.
It’s precious, and I know I’m lucky to be a mum.
I’m lucky he chose to be mine, even if I can’t stand his father.
I wouldn’t have it any other way. Dane loves you, Lani, he loves you from afar, because he doesn’t know how to make up for the past.”
Lani’s eyes were watery, a silent tear making its way down her cheek, as she casually looked over at the picture of Maverick on her easel.
“Go and talk to him. Listen to him. Let him hear you, even if you scream at him. Let him hear your anguish.”
“What if…he doesn’t care?” she asked me, a slight tremor in her voice.
I put my coffee down on the side table, and moved over to her, pulling her into my arms. She wrapped hers around me and I held her tightly, feeling like she couldn’t say this to her mother. I was the only one she trusted because I knew her dad.
Somehow, maybe she knew I also knew what it was like to have a father who didn’t pay attention to me. Only, my father never would have turned up to my sports’ days, even if I’d been able to have them, or award ceremonies. He wouldn’t have cared.
“He will always care about you, Lani. But he is a boy, so he can’t ever take the first step. You need to do that, baby girl. Be your mother’s child, and go to him. Tell him how you feel. Make him see what his decisions have done to you. Then I know he’ll explain, the best way he can.”
Lani nodded against my neck, and I held her tighter than before, knowing this feeling of inadequacy. I knew what it felt to have a father who didn’t love you for you, no matter how hard you tried. In this case, Lani’s dad truly did love her. I knew he did.
And I would ensure she knew that.
Even if I was mad at him. He still needed his daughter, and she needed her dad.
Slowly, we broke apart, and I turned just as Bane walked in with Van at his side.
“Mama!”
He ran into my arms, and I lifted him with ease. He laid his head on my shoulder for a moment, before he turned to the painting, and smiled.
“Daddy!”
Fear laced through me as I looked at Lani who frowned, but Bane simply smirked.
“No, baby,” I said, quickly. “That’s not your Dad. That’s Maverick, remember?”
“Do you wish he was his dad?” Lani asked me when Bane took Van to go and have something to eat. The question struck me so hard, and I turned to face the woman who was so like her mother, but I saw so much of Maverick in her too.
“Yes,” I said, honestly. “I do, but he’s not, and that’s my burden to bear.”
Lani nodded. “You told me how hard it is to be a mother, and I know my own mum struggled with me and Bane for ages before my stepdad came into the picture. You’re doing it alone. That must be so scary.”
“You’re wiser than you should be, baby girl.”
Lani smiled, and it made all the pain in my chest ease just a little bit.
“You’re easy to talk to, but I can see something in your eyes.
Like there’s a hidden pain or something.
I don’t know, but I hope you know my mum will do whatever she can to help you, and even though I don’t really know him, I know my dad will too. I saw the way he was looking at you.”
I nodded, trying not to think about Maverick, and pushing past the last comment. I couldn’t think about him like that.
Not now.
Not after what he’s done.
“Everything okay?” I heard Mari ask from the doorway. Lani nodded, and turned to her.
“Yep, Tavi was just helping me with my painting. I better get to my homework.”
I picked up my coffee mug again, and sipped at it, to hide the tears in my eyes. No one had called on my pain as a single parent before, and the fact it was a sixteen year old girl, hit me hard. I thought I had been hiding it better than that.
“You okay?” Mari asked me. I nodded quickly, taking a big drink so I didn’t have to talk. I knew my emotions would take over.
“Oh boy, she’s talented, isn’t she?” Mari asked, looking at the painting of Maverick. “She loves him, she does, but she’s just angry at him.”
“She has a right to be. It wasn’t her choice to not have him around. She feels like she’s unwanted, and for a teenage girl, that’s the worst kind of pain.”
Mari nodded. “I know. I try my best to show her how much he loves her, but she refuses to see it.”
“Sometimes actions speak louder than words.”
Mari turned to me, and I turned to the painting to avoid her gaze. The features of his face were so lifelike, almost like he was standing right in front of me. I could feel the emotion of the last couple of days rise inside of me, threatening to spill over.
“You love him.”
That was it.
I broke.
The fresh sound of my sobs I had been holding broke free, and I immediately closed my eyes to stop the onslaught of tears. Mari jumped to action, grabbing my mug and putting it back down, before wrapping me in her arms.
“I’m sorry he’s being a dick, Tavi,” she said into my hair, stroking my back in a calming manner. The same way I do for Van when he can’t sleep. It was working. I could feel the sobs subsiding. “We’ll work on him. Both of us. He’ll come to see that he’s being a moron.”
I pulled away from her, thankful that she didn’t think I was a nonce for breaking down over her ex-husband the way I just did. “No, he’s made his choice. I need to make mine.”
“Babe, I can see it in his eyes when he looks at you. He asks me about you every day. He wants to be with you…he’s just being dumb. I know that man better than anyone.”
I looked into her eyes, seeing the compassion in them, and wanting to curl in on myself again. “No, it’s fine. He’ll never be able to trust me. I’m still my father’s daughter.”
Mari was quiet for a moment, and I realised she didn’t understand what I’d said. I didn’t want to frighten her by telling her who I was so I shook my head, as if I were being crazy.
“Please…let me talk to him. I know he’s going to be gutted if you leave him. He loves you. I know he does. As sure as I am that he loves his own kids.”
I wanted to believe her, I did, but I also didn’t want to stick around, fall in love with his family and then he leaves me, heartbroken and messy. I could survive Hardy. I could never survive Maverick.
But a small part of me wanted Mari to help me.
Okay, not small, a big part of my heart was crying out for Maverick.
For me to answer his texts, for me to listen to him, and let him deal with what he had to deal with.
I wanted him to come to me, drop onto his knees and tell me he couldn’t breathe without me.
Stupid.
That only happened in the smutty books I read, and only because they were written by women who knew what it was to grovel.
I wouldn’t even let him get to the grovel part, I’d throw myself down onto my knees in front of him and tell him I wanted him back, that I didn’t care he was a grumpy bastard.
I’d love his kids as my own, and I’d give him as many more as he wanted.
Maverick had my heart.
I think he always had.
“Okay, Mari…what do I do?”
“Oh love, it’s not what you’re going to do,” she said with a chuckle. “It’s what he’s going to do to win you back. Don’t let him think he can just push you aside, and come sliding back into your bed. He’s going to work to get back into your arms.”
Her devilish smile made me smile, and I relayed the message he sent me earlier about coming to see me. I could see her mastermind at work right before my eyes. She was already figuring out a way that this could all work.
But it would take time.
That…I could work with.