39. Can Shadows Cry?
can shadows cry?
—EDEN
Idon’t know how long we’ve been locked together. Hours? Days? Time stopped meaning anything after the twentieth orgasm.
All I know is I can’t hold myself up anymore. My arms gave out some time ago; the only thing keeping me upright is Sage’s arm banded across my lower back.
“Sage, I can’t keep my eyes open.”
“Then don’t,” he murmurs. “Sleep, vela té. I’ve got you.” (Little bloom)
“But—”
“Your body knows what to do,” he soothes, his lips brushing over my temple. “Even if you fall asleep.”
I want to stay present, but minutes of gentle strokes and strong hands squeezing my shoulders, my eyes slip closed.
His mouth finds my breast again.
“That’s it,” he breathes. “Rest, luváel. I’ll take care of everything.” The last thing I feel is the gentle press of his hand against my belly.
“Hello, ash’kaela.”
I spin, or try to. I have no body wherever I am, just… awareness.
Ashán stands in the darkness, separate from Sage for the first time. Tall and shadowed with eyes that burn like blue embers.
“Where am I?”
“You’re dreaming,” he answers. “Your body is still with Sage. But here—” he gestures to the endless dark around us, “—you’re in my domain.”
I glance around the void.
“I wanted to talk with you, alone, before…” He takes a step closer.
“Your rut,” I answer.
His eyes flare. “Yes. This is the only place I can pull you where he can’t follow.”
His silhouette is even taller and broader than Sage’s.
“I can’t really see you, Ash. But I want to.”
The darkness ripples, and I can sense his hesitation.
“I don’t have a form to show you yet,” he admits quietly. “Not until my first full cycle starts. My reaper form is still dormant.”
“Then what am I seeing?”
“A placeholder,” he says. “A shadow of what I will be when I finally ascend.”
The silhouette moves closer, and the temperature drops.
“But you can feel me, can’t you?” His voice wraps around me. “Even without a body to touch.”
There’s no doubt that I can feel the weight of his attention focused entirely on me.
“Yes,” I whisper. “I feel you.”
“Good.” The shadow drifts closer. “I wanted you to know me, just me, before I claim you. Not just as a voice in his head.”
“Ash, I’ve talked to you before.”
“You have. But I’ve never been able to shift more than half my body at a time.
So even when it’s my voice… it’s his body,” his voice cracks.
“When I’m finally able to mark you as ním, I need you to know it’s ME who’s doing it.
I need to know you want me, and that you don’t tolerate me because you love him. ”
“Ashán, I don’t tolerate you. I love you. Both of you.”
His shadow stills.
“You saved me,” I continue. “In the meadow with the Horsemen. When War broke into the house. You’ve been taking care of me this whole time. How could I not want you?”
“You love me?” he repeats, his eyes blazing blue. The shadow shoots forward, and the weight of his presence wraps around me like a heavy, velvet ribbon.
“Say it again,” he demands. “Please, ash’kaela. Say it again.”
“I love you, Ashán.”
The darkness shudders around me, and something wet drips against my awareness.
Can shadows cry?
“I will worship you,” he vows. “Every drop of your blood. Every beat of your heart.”
“I know,” I whisper into the void. “I trust you.”
The warmth lingers for a moment longer, then slowly recedes.
“You need to wake now, ash’kaela,” he murmurs reluctantly. “Sage’s knot is softening, and it will release soon.”
“And then?”
“And then you’re ním,” he growls. “The moment you’re free of him. It’s my turn.”
“Wait!”
“Yes?”
“You said you can’t use your true form yet, right?”
“That’s right, ash’kaela. I can feel it stirring in my blood, but I’m not able to take over his body completely. Not yet.”
“Then…”
“Tell me?”
“Then I want to wait,” I say softly.
The darkness flares, the temperature dropping so low I shiver.
“You… you don’t want me?”
“What? No! Ash—”
The cold intensifies, and the shadows recoil, pulling away from me at once.
“I understand,” he says. “I am monstrous compared to him.”
“Ashán, stop!” I call into the darkness. “That’s not what I meant.”
The shadows still, but they don’t come closer.
“Then what? What did you mean?”
“I want you,” I whisper. “But I want your body. Not Sage’s.”
He doesn’t say anything.
“You said drinking from me was important. Which means it’s also important to me. I want to share that moment with you, in your true form, no matter how monstrous it is.”
“You want to wait for me to shift?” he breathes. “Completely?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t even know what I’ll look like, Eden,” he rasps.
“ I don’t care.”
“What if I’m hideous?”
“Impossible.”
“It could take weeks. Months, even. And my rut—”
“Will still be there when you do,” I say firmly. “And will probably feel even better when it’s in your own body.”
The darkness pulses, and his hope pours into my awareness.
“You would deny me now, just so it will be my form that claims you?”
“Yes. Because you deserve that, Ash. You deserve to be loved and claimed as whoever you truly are.”
A shuddering breath echoes through the void.
“You really are ním.”
The shadows surge forward again, wrapping around me completely.
“I will shift for you,” he rasps. “However long it takes. I will tear through whatever barrier is keeping me trapped. I will become for you.”
The pressure around me tightens.
“And when I do,” his voice drops lower, “when I finally stand before you in my true form, able to touch you with my hands, taste you with my mouth, claim you with my body—”
He pauses.
“I will make sure you never forget who you belong to. You will not leave my bed until my venya has replaced the marrow in your bones and your blood is the only thing keeping my heart beating.”
“I’m counting on it,” I whisper.
The warmth pulses one last time, and I feel phantom lips press against my presence.
“You need to wake up now, sweetheart,” he murmurs. “Your body needs you to return.”
“Will you be okay with waiting?”
A dark chuckle rumbles through the void.
“I have a feeling I’ve waited longer than either of us realizes, Eden. I can wait a few more weeks to claim you properly.”
Suddenly I’m falling, pulled back from the darkness into—
“Eden! Eden, please!”
Sage’s voice is frantic.
My eyes snap open. His eyes are wild with panic, one hand cupping my face while the other presses against my throat, checking for my pulse.
“Saevúra, thank the gods.” He breathes. “You weren’t—I couldn’t feel you, and Ashán was just gone. I thought—”
His knot has fully released, and he’s kneeling over me.
“I’m okay.” I smile. “Just so tired. Vaelí.”
“You weren’t breathing right,” he chokes out. “Your heart was beating so slow. I couldn’t wake you.”
His hands shake as they frame my face.
“Where were you?” he whispers. “Where did you go?”
“I was with Ashán,” I admit drowsily.
Sage’s hands fall away, his eyes flashing furiously.
—ASHáN
What did you do? Sage roars. His rage slams into me from every direction.
She’s fine, I snap back. She was never in danger.
FINE?! Her breathing slowed to almost nothing! I couldn’t reach her, couldn’t feel you. I thought she was dying!
She was safe in the void with me.
You pulled her into a realm you don’t know anything about without warning me! Without asking! I’ve been trying to wake her for ten minutes, Ashán! Ten minutes of thinking I was losing her!
Guilt twists in my chest.
I needed to talk to her alone.
So you took her? He hisses. You pulled her consciousness out of her body and dragged her somewhere I couldn’t follow? Where I couldn’t protect her?
From what? From ME?
I didn’t know that! His roar echoes through our shared mind. All I knew was she stopped responding, and you were gone. Both of you. Just.. gone.
His voice cracks. I’m asking Therael if we can be split.
You don’t mean that. I flinch.
I do mean it, Ashán. I cannot do this! I cannot share a body with someone who doesn’t respect me enough not to take her somewhere I can’t reach. What if something had gone wrong? What if you couldn’t bring her back? I want to be separated!
Separated? I snarl. You would rather rip us apart than trust me for ten minutes?
Trust, Sage laughs bitterly. You want to talk about trust? You just proved I can’t trust you. Not with her safety, not with anything!
She is my mate too! I growl.
Then act like it, he roars. Mates don’t steal their partner away without warning. They don’t let me think she’s dying while I can do nothing to save her!
Sage, wait—
No. The moment we get back to the house, I’m asking Therael if it can be done. I won’t share a body with someone who would do this.
Panic floods through me.
Sage, please! Hold on a minute.
For what? So you can explain why you thought it was okay?
I didn’t think—
Exactly! He snaps. You didn’t think, Ashán. You didn’t think about what it would do to me. You didn’t think about what could go wrong. You just took her because you wanted to talk to her alone.
I needed—
I don’t care what you needed, he bellows. Do you understand what that’s like? Holding your mate while her life slips away.
I didn’t know you wouldn’t be able to reach her, I answer honestly.
I picture Sage alone in the meadow with Eden’s limp body in his lap.
I’m sorry, Sage, I murmur. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it back.
But you can’t, he says. And I can’t risk you doing it again.
He scoops Eden into his arms, cradling her protectively against his chest.
What are you doing? I ask.
Taking her home. Where she’ll be safe.
The emphasis on that last word, the implication that she’s not safe with me, makes something crack inside my chest.
From me?
If necessary, he says coldly, his wings unfurling. Yes.
You think I would hurt her? I ask incredulously.
I think you already did, he snaps, launching into the air. You took her somewhere that caused her body to start shutting down. So yes, Ashán. I’m taking my mate home and keeping her away from—
Your mate?
He doesn’t respond, and the rage flooding through my blood is vicious.
She’s my mate too, I snarl. Or did you conveniently forget that part?
Right now? I don’t care, he sighs. All I care about is getting her somewhere safe. Away from you.
You think you can just… take her away from me?
Watch me.
Something inside me snaps, and my fangs lengthen painfully.
You think because you’re the one flying right now, you have all the power?
I think you need to quit talking.
I think you—
You almost killed her! He screams.
I didn’t! I roar. She’s fine. She’s sleeping because she’s exhausted from YOUR six-hour rut, not because of me.
Her heart nearly—
In the void, physical bodies react differently. I didn’t know it would affect her that way. But she was never in danger, Sage. I would never— My voice cracks. I would never hurt her. She is everything to me.
What would you do if I dragged Eden into a place you couldn’t follow, Ashán?
The question ignites something bitter inside me.
You do! I scream. There are times I can’t feel her! Times I have to fight with every ounce of my strength just for my voice to get through to either of you.
What are you—
You think I don’t know what it’s like to be helpless? To watch you touch her, taste her, hold her, while I’m trapped in the back screaming to be let out? You think I don’t know what it feels like to be separated from her?
That’s not the same, he murmurs.
Is it not? I snap. You get to hold her whenever you want. You get her smiles, her laughter, her body responding to your touch! And I’m here, a vreshing passenger, begging for scraps of contact!
My rage bleeds into something rawer.
I pulled her into the void because it was the only place I could have her soul to myself while you took her body! The only place where it could be just us! I wasn’t depleting my energy fighting you for every second.
He doesn’t answer.
Ten minutes, Sage, I choke out. I had ten minutes with our mate. And you want to punish me for that? To take her away from me completely?
You scared me, he whispers.
You scare me every day, I growl. Every time you take control, and I can’t. Every time she looks at you, and I’m invisible. Every time I feel her slipping away because I don’t have a body to hold her with.
Sage’s anger begins to crack.
I didn’t realize that it was that bad for you, he says finally.
How could you? I say bitterly. When you’ve never asked.
We fly in silence for several minutes.
I’m still angry, he admits. You terrified me, and you still took her without warning. That doesn’t just… go away because you explained why.
I know.
But I— he struggles with the words. I understand why you did it now. But if you ever do something like that again, I won’t wait for Therael. I will figure out how to pull you out of my skin myself.
Sage, if you think I would allow you to take a single breath after you cut me out of our body and tried to keep our mate to yourself, you’re not playing a game you can win. You might be the heartbeat, but I am the blood—and I’m done being pushed out of my own veins.
Are you threatening me? His voice drops.
I am matching you, I rasp. Threaten to cut me out again, and I’ll drag you down with me.
You’re insane.
No. I am done being treated like I’m disposable.
You’d kill us both? He asks in disbelief. Rather than let me keep her safe?
I am what keeps her safe. Or have we forgotten that? The meadow? The Horsemen? Who pushed the partial shift? I hiss.
We can’t keep threatening each other, he says suddenly.
A long pause stretches between us as the house comes into view.
You’re right, he admits. About protecting her. I know I need you. I know she needs you. He swallows hard. I was just so scared. And I lashed out.
And I should have told you, I admit. Before pulling her into the void. Even if I needed that time with her… you deserved to know what I was doing.
We land in silence, Eden still sleeping peacefully in his arms.
We’re not okay yet, Sage whispers.
No, I agree. But we will be.