Chapter 11 Cutter
Cutter
I lay on the ground, with my basketball under my head. Nothing about this was comfortable, but the aches and pains I had in my neck reminded me that I had the ability to feel something.
Anything.
Beside me, Flinn did the same. Only he used his skateboard to prop up his head.
We’d come to the park first thing this morning.
He rebounded for me while I got some shots up, and I took videos of him skateboarding.
We were the most unlikely duo, but our friendship worked for us.
Neither of us had any expectations of one another.
He was my best friend and the only one who knew about my mom.
“What’s gonna happen?”
I lifted one shoulder in a half shrug to his open-ended question. He could’ve been asking about my mom, her death, or our final in our global studies class. It didn’t matter because I didn’t have an answer for either question.
“Where are you going to live?”
“Dunno.”
“Do you think your dad will come back?”
Flinn was the only one who knew about my dad and what a loser he was.
None of the guys on the basketball team or baseball team knew about him.
When asked, I always said I didn’t have one, which for the most part was true.
I let them all believe my mom used a donor or had one of those immaculate conception pregnancies.
Twice.
The truth of the matter was, I did have a dad.
Nova did as well. I supposed luck was on our side that we’d had the same “donor.” But that was where I’d run out of luck.
I’d had the dubious honor of meeting my father.
He’d spent about six weeks of my life living with us, acting like a dad, telling me he loved me, tucking me in at night.
The same shit my friends all had when they were growing up.
He even tried to tell me I was throwing the ball wrong.
It was a damn good thing I didn’t listen to him because he didn’t know shit.
The only thing my dad knew—and he was a master at it—was leaving.
His extended stay into our lives ended on a Saturday morning, after breakfast, when he needed to go into town to get a part for his bike.
Since he didn’t tell us which town, it would make sense that the one he needed to go to was seven years away.
That was how long he’d been gone.
Or was it eight years now?
I didn’t have to be a rocket scientist to deduce that he left when my mom told him they were going to have another bundle of joy.
Strike that . . . unwanted joy, at least in his book.
Nine months later, Nova was born.
At first, I was mad at her. At my mom. They took—no, they drove—my dad away. I finally had a dad, and we had a real shot at happiness, until Nova. I held a grudge for about a year or maybe longer.
While my mom was pregnant and for Nova’s first year, she stressed the importance of me being a big brother, a role model, and the man my little sister could look up to.
I didn’t understand what any of that meant until her sweet voice said my name.
She didn’t have a care in the world other than she wanted me to play with her, cuddle with her, and read to her, and to be something she could climb on.
It was when Nova said my name that everything changed for me.
She became my biggest cheerleader at my games.
I could hear her screaming for me above all the parents.
She was the first person to run up to me, hug me, and give me a high five, but most importantly, she never told me I sucked or that I was doing something wrong.
For that reason, I would always be in her life and make her my priority. Now more than ever.
“I hope not,” I said to Flinn after processing his question. “What would he even do? Tell us we had to go live with him? Nova doesn’t know him.”
“Neither do you,” Flinn said.
“I know enough.”
I knew what I’d learned in those six weeks.
He was a loser. He wasn’t a man, but a child who—when he didn’t get his way—bailed.
I had a better relationship with Rocco, Toni’s brother, or Coach Schmidt and Flinn’s dad.
Even Brendan, although I hadn’t known him that long.
If I needed anything, I could call them.
I pulled the basketball out from under my head and shot it toward the sky. This was a great way for me to work on my form. Flinn changed his position as well and sat on his board.
“You can come live with me,” he said.
I shook my head. “Nova’s afraid of your dog.”
“Don’t you think your aunt Toni will take Nova?”
And not me?
My hand slipped, and the ball almost hit me in the face. I moved my head just in time; my thoughts ran wild. Would Toni take Nova and leave me behind? They were close, and Toni definitely favored my sister.
She used to favor you as well.
What was going to happen to me when my mom died?
Would I go into foster care?
I was forced to bite my tongue to ward off the impending tears from coming to the surface. I didn’t want to cry in front of Flinn. At least, not again. I had already done so when I showed up at his house this morning.
“I mean . . .” I shrugged. “I guess my mom will have to talk to your parents.”
“Yeah, there’s probably a bunch of legal shit that has to happen.”
And we’re out of time.
I sat up abruptly and looked away. The tears clouded my vision whether I wanted them to or not. Flinn’s hand rested on my shoulder.
“You know you can stay with me anytime.”
I nodded and bit my lower lip to keep from crying. How had this become my life—where I cried at the park because my mom was dying, and I had no idea where I was going to live?
“I’ll talk to my parents tonight and see what’s what.”
I shook my head. “I don’t think my mom wants anyone to know just yet. She said something about waiting for the treatment and whatnot.”
“All right. I’ll wait.”
Deep down, I knew I could trust him not to say anything to his mom. Chances were, she’d find out from someone else who’d found out from someone else. That was how all the rumors were spread around town.
My stomach growled. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check the time and saw a slew of text messages, most of them from Eleni, asking me if I was okay. I hadn’t told her yet and really hadn’t planned on it.
The last one from her made me smile: I love you.
I may have only been sixteen, but I was in love with her.
The guidance counselor once caught us kissing in the hallway.
We’d skipped class, thinking we knew the best place to hide, and wouldn’t you know it—busted.
He took me to his office and called my mom, who had to come and sit in a meeting.
My mom said she was going to ground me for breaking school rules but didn’t see the point.
Eleni and I would see each other at school, and the school wouldn’t do anything to keep us from seeing each other in or during class or at lunch.
My mom did sit me down every day after school and teach me about the birds and the bees. The entire week was awkward and uncomfortable for both of us. I understood, though. She wanted a different life for me because being a teenage mom had been hard for her.
I saw a text from my mom. Seeing her name on my phone made my heart lurch. How many more messages would I get before they stopped altogether?
Mom: I love you. I hope you’re having a great time with Flinn.
My throat tightened, and I could no longer hold back the tears. Flinn sat next to me, being there without saying anything.
I read and reread her message and finally took a screenshot so I could save it. I had no idea what happened to a person’s phone after they died, but I never wanted to lose her messages. Even the ones where she yelled at me to get my ass home.
“Do you think the phone store can show me how to download my texts?”
Flinn shrugged. “Not sure. I guess we should go ask them.”
I wanted to do it now, versus later, because later never came.
Or it did, and then it was too late. We left the park and walked toward our downtown area.
People honked and called out our names. We waved.
People stopped us on the street, and we chatted.
To everyone, we didn’t have a care in the world.
It was a lazy Saturday, the sun was shining even though it was cold, and we were two teens strolling the streets.
I imagined that once the news spread about my mom, these same people would stop me and tell me how sorry they were to hear the news and ask if I needed anything. That’s what people did. They cared.
Flinn and I entered the phone store and waited for one of the clerks to come over and chat with us. It took a bit, which we figured was because neither of us was old enough to buy our own phones, and we didn’t have our parents with us.
“What can I do for you?” the clerk asked. He kept his hands behind his back and jutted his chin out, which I thought was odd. It was almost like we bored him.
“Is there a way to download all of my text messages?”
“Yes, of course.”
I waited.
So did Flinn.
“Okay. Can you tell me how?”
The clerk began to roll his eyes but turned away before I could see him do it fully.
Flinn shook his head and muttered under his breath that this guy was an asshat.
Part of me understood because we weren’t buying anything or changing our plan, but the other side of me wondered if this guy was being a jerk because of how we were dressed.
Flinn was in all black, with a chain hanging from his belt loops, while I wore some ratty sweats and an oversize sweatshirt.
Besides the fact we were completely opposite from one another, we didn’t look great.
We followed the clerk to the counter, and he angrily tapped the keyboard while huffing every few seconds.
If I didn’t want the information, I would’ve made a scene.
Having the text messages from my mom was important.
There was a good chance I’d never go back and read them, but I also didn’t want to lose them.
When the clerk sighed heavily, Flinn spoke up. “Is your dad dying?”
“Excuse me?”
“I didn’t mumble or slip up,” Flinn said. “Is your dad dying?”
“No.” He looked from Flinn to me.
“His is, and he wants to keep the messages he has. If you can’t get the instructions, maybe someone else can.”
Again, the clerk looked at us and then pressed one button. The printer behind him came to life. He took the few sheets of paper, stapled them, and handed them to me.
“I’m sorry about your dad.”
It didn’t even bother me that Flinn had said what he said or used my dad instead of my mom. I wished it was my dad dying. Hell, for all I knew, he was already dead. If he was, I’d dig him up and find a way for him to die all over again, as long as my mom could stay.
Outside, I folded the sheets of paper and put them in my pocket.
“Thank you.”
“He was pissing me off. I had to say something.”
“I appreciate it.”
Flinn nodded.
We walked the rest of the way back to his house, and then I walked the last half mile to mine. Once I was alone, I talked to myself. I yelled, screamed, kicked rocks, and let my tears flow. Life was unfair.
The whole lack-of-dad thing had really messed me up, but not having my mom would destroy me. I would never admit this to her, but she was my best friend, and I didn’t want to live in a world where my mom didn’t exist. Especially not when I was only sixteen. Even Nova deserved better.
I turned into our long dirt driveway and paused when I heard a bark. Scout, my coach’s dog, ran toward me, with Nova following behind. We met halfway, and I gave the dog some good behind-the-ear scratches.
“Cutter, guess what?” Nova bounced anxiously.
“What?”
She held her hand up, with her index finger pointed toward the sky.
“One, Grandma bought you some new sweatpants. Two, Mommy says we can have pizza for dinner. Three, Coach is building us a new porch.” The last one, she jumped up and down at, while I frowned.
Nova couldn’t say Coach’s last name, so she called him “Coach.”
“Why is Coach building us a porch?”
Nova shrugged and reached for my hand. She held it tightly while she skipped along to my stride. When the house came into view, sure enough, Coach Schmidt wore a work belt and a ball cap, and he had a table saw out.
“Hey, Cutter,” he said as he looked up from marking a line on a piece of wood.
“What are you doing?”
He nodded toward the hole in the front porch. “Getting those boards replaced before someone falls through. Do you want to help?”
I didn’t. I wanted to go up to my room and bury my face in my pillow.
Instead, I nodded and told him I’d be right back.
Inside, I went upstairs, stared at the pillow I’d intended to soak with my tears, and changed my clothes.
It looked like I was going to learn how to repair a porch instead of wallowing in self-pity.