Chapter 12 Antonia
Antonia
Cutter came thundering down the stairs, wearing a pair of jeans and a flannel. Miri sat next to me, wrapped in an afghan blanket my mother had crocheted for her before Cutter was born. Miri set her book down and smiled at her son.
“Are you going outside to help?”
He nodded. “Coach asked me to. I didn’t think I should say no.”
“That’s very nice of you.”
Cutter shrugged, which was the way all teens played things off. Cutter helping his coach was huge. It would not only teach him how to repair what was broken but would also give him some time with Weston, away from school and the team.
“Nova said we’re having pizza for dinner?”
“We are,” Miri said as she reached for his hand. When he didn’t move to take hers, she dropped her hand back into her lap. Despite her trying to hide her feelings about being rejected, I saw it, and I wondered if her son had as well.
“Cool. Can Eleni come over for dinner?”
Miri nodded. “The rules remain.”
Cutter sighed loudly.
“Which are?” I asked. His little teenage temperament put me on edge. I didn’t want to think he would take advantage of his mother right now, but those hormones wreaked havoc on young, impressionable minds.
“Eleni isn’t allowed upstairs,” Miri said as she kept her eyes on her son.
“What if I keep my door open?”
I had to give Cutter credit, because I would’ve asked the same thing.
Any alone time I could’ve gotten with any of my boyfriends would’ve been a disaster.
Thankfully, my parents had known of my wily ways.
My siblings and I had strict rules in the house, although those rules didn’t apply when I was at someone else’s house.
Honestly, I was lucky I hadn’t found myself in the same situation as Miri, especially since we both gravitated toward the “bad” guys.
Miri shook her head, and while I couldn’t see her eyes, I imagined they rolled. “Not allowed upstairs means not allowed upstairs.”
Cutter did, in fact, roll his eyes. Oh, to be sixteen again. He and his girlfriend had already gotten into trouble at school, and Miri had mentioned that Eleni’s parents were strict, which told me if these two wanted to get into trouble, they’d find a way.
“Fine. But she can come over for dinner?”
Miri nodded.
“Thanks, Mom.” Cutter bolted from the room, slamming the door on his way out.
Miri jumped, the loud bang startling her.
She stared at the space where her son had stood.
I couldn’t even begin to imagine what was going through her mind.
How would someone start to process the fact that they were dying and might not live to see the milestones every parent looked forward to seeing?
“Do you want some tea?”
Miri shook her head. “Tea can’t fix this.”
True, but it would be nice if it could. This was how our school nurse would fix whatever ailed us—with herbal tea, which was her answer for everything. It didn’t matter if we had a nosebleed, cramps, or a broken arm; she offered us tea.
My phone beeped with a text from Brendan: How are things going?
The question made me want to laugh. I knew he was being sincere, but how did he think things were going?
There was a giant elephant in the room, with a blinking neon sign, telling me my best friend was dying and there wasn’t jack shit I could do about it.
Nor could he. To make matters worse, Miri and I needed to have the talk about what would happen after she was gone.
I felt bad for telling him to stay home, because I knew he wanted to help, but with my mom here, things were crowded. Plus, Brendan preferred for us to stay in a hotel or a bed-and-breakfast, and there was no way I’d leave Miri.
I typed back: Things are . . . sad.
I looked at my words and fought back my tears before I sent the message.
Brendan responded right away: Will you be in the office on Monday?
The question gave me pause. I glanced at Miri, who held a book in her hand, but I couldn’t tell if she was reading or not. Could I leave her? Could I go back to my life and leave my mom to take care of her?
No, I couldn’t.
I typed back: No. I’ll call you later to discuss.
“Brendan’s going to want to come visit,” I told Miri as I put my phone down. “He’s already tried, and I told him to wait.”
“Do you love him?”
Her question caught me off guard. “Yes,” I said after a brief pause. “Why?”
Miri shrugged. “I don’t know. Sometimes, I see you, I see him, and then I see the two of you together, and you’re different when he’s around. On edge.”
I’d been with Brendan for years, and she had never mentioned anything.
“Do you not like him?”
I don’t know why I asked. It wasn’t like I could change the situation now.
Miri looked at me. Her eyes were wet and shimmering with tears. Ever since she’d been given the news, she’d done nothing but cry. Not that I blamed her. In private, it was all I was doing as well. The shower took the brunt of my anger, sadness, and frustration.
“He’s not who I would’ve chosen for you,” she said as she reached for my hand. “But I see why you’re with him.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because he’s in your world.”
I pondered her answer and had to agree with her.
If I didn’t work at Caldwell & Crest or did what I did for a job, Brendan wouldn’t have been my first choice.
He was what others referred to as a bro.
His boys came first, after the dollars in his billfold.
Yes, he said he loved me, and we spent quality time together.
He was generous, flirtatious, and a catch.
But if one of his frat brothers called with a tee time in Miami, Brendan was on the next plane out of Logan.
Although, I’d done the same thing for Miriam.
Friendships were important, but so were relationships, and Brendan had never done me wrong. So, yes, he was in my world, and we fit.
“He’s a great guy, Miri.”
She smiled softly and turned toward the window. Outside, Nova laughed, and my mom rocked in the chair. Every so often, we heard the power saw, followed by hammering and the nail gun.
“How come you never pursued things with Weston?”
Miri chuckled. “Never even gave him a thought.”
“Really? Why the hell not? Have you looked at him? Clearly, he likes you.”
“Because it’s not me he’s interested in,” she said as she gave me a pointed look. I shook my head slightly, and she nodded. “I can see it in the way he looks at you.”
There was no way he liked me. We’d just met.
As if on cue, Weston stood in the front window with his back to us. I had to admit, he had a nice backside and was ruggedly handsome.
“I was shocked to find out he used to be a professional baseball player. You never told me.”
Miri lifted one shoulder. “I didn’t think it mattered. He rarely talks about it, and no one in town really bothers him about it. Unless it’s during baseball season, and then everyone will go on and on about how Wes played in the majors.”
“Wes?”
She nodded. “That’s what he goes by.”
“Huh, he introduced himself to me as Weston.” I stood and went to the window. As soon as Nova saw me, she waved and motioned for me to come outside.
“Sort of how you didn’t tell him to call you Toni.” Miri smirked.
Hadn’t I? I kind of liked how Weston called me Antonia.
“Do you want to go outside?” I asked Miri, needing to change the subject, although going outside to where Weston was working was exactly the way to accomplish the task.
She shook her head no. “I’m comfortable and enjoying the quiet.”
I laughed because things definitely weren’t quiet. Not with the table saw and hammering. “All right. I’ll be back in a minute.” I opened the door and carefully stepped outside. If my mom and Nova were still on the porch, it must have been safe.
I glanced toward Cutter and Weston (or Wes, whatever he preferred to be called), who had their heads together, and Weston pointed to something on the wood.
He’d taken off his long-sleeved flannel, and each time his arm moved, his bicep flexed.
I should’ve looked away and put everything Miri said out of my mind because it seemed like nonsense.
“He’s teaching him the basics,” Mom said as she motioned toward them when I glanced her way. Had she caught me staring? “What he’s learning now, he’ll be able to use in the future. This was very kind of Wes to come do this.”
So, he’d introduced himself as Wes to my mom as well. I wasn’t sure why this bothered me, but for some reason, it did. Unless there was a more intimate meaning behind it?
I sat down next to my mom, and Nova switched laps. She leaned back against me and rested her head on my collarbone.
“Do you have to go home tomorrow?” she asked, used to me leaving on Sundays whenever I came to visit.
“No, I’m not going home for a bit.”
“Because Mommy is sick?”
Hearing Miri’s daughter say those words made my throat seize. I nodded, unable to find my voice.
“Are you going to live with us?”
With what little voice I had, I said, “I don’t know.”
My mom reached for my hand and squeezed it.
I didn’t have the courage to bring this up to Miri, to ask her what would happen to her kids when she was gone.
To her house? Her possessions? I would rather die than let her babies go into foster care, but what say would I even have?
We weren’t related, and the last time I’d checked, the best friend didn’t have any rights.
“Does Miriam have a will?” my mom asked as we rocked there.
I glanced at my mom, needing her now more than ever, and so thankful she’d dropped everything to come to Miri’s.
“I don’t know. I know it’s something we need to talk about and get taken care of.
The conversation probably should’ve happened today, but I’m afraid to put it out there, where the universe can run with it. ”
“It has to be done,” Mom said. “I can do it if you’d like.”
“No, it needs to be me, I think.” Even though it was the last thing I wanted.
Doing so made it feel like Miri’s death was inevitable, that it would be here sooner than anticipated.
I didn’t want that. I wasn’t ready and never would be.
One, five, or ten years wouldn’t be long enough. I needed her in my life forever.
My arms tightened around Nova as she snuggled deeper into me. My mom got up, disappeared into the house, and then came back with a blanket. She draped it over us and tucked Nova in.
“I thought you were a big girl who didn’t nap?”
“Sometimes, I’m tired,” she said into the crook of my neck. It amazed me that she could fall asleep anywhere. As much as I wanted to keep her for myself, Miri shouldn’t miss out on these moments.
“Come on, let’s go find your mom. I bet she needs some snuggles.” I carried Nova into the house and found Miri where I’d left her. She brightened at the sight of her daughter. “I think this lug belongs to you.”
Nova laughed as I set her down.
“She’s ready for a nap.”
“Me too,” Miri said as Nova rested her head on Miri’s leg.
Instead of watching them, and burning the image into my mind, I stepped back and took a picture of them. Nova would need it for later.
Back outside, I sat next to my mom again and held her hand while we watched Weston and Cutter work. When they needed us to move, we did, and set the rockers up in the yard.
“I’ll stay as long as you and Miri need me.”
“Thanks. I will have to run back to Boston sometime this week and get some things. Maybe I’ll take Miri with me, just so she can get away for the day.”
“Your dad will be up next weekend. I told him about Wes rebuilding the porch, and now he’s concerned with whatever else might be wrong.”
“Everything,” I muttered. “This house is a money pit.”
“We’ll get it fixed up.”
“Yep, just in time for her to die and not enjoy the house she loved so much. Just in time for us to sell. What a fucked-up situation.”
“Indeed, it is.”
In between cutting and hammering, Cutter came over to me. “Eleni said she can come for dinner.”
“That’s great. Do I need to go pick her up?”
Cutter shook his head. “Her mom will bring her, and then maybe we can take her home.”
“That works.”
He ran his hand through his hair. “I didn’t tell her about my mom yet.”
“No one says you have to tell anyone anything,” I told him. “It’s your news to share when you feel comfortable.”
He nodded. “I also invited Coach for dinner since he’s doing all this work.”
I glanced at his coach. His arms flexed each time he lifted a board. He met my gaze and smiled, which normally I would have appreciated. Except what Miri had said earlier echoed through my mind, and I couldn’t get past it. Was he here because he liked me or because of Miri? Was it a little of both?
Cutter cleared his throat, and I looked at him. “I’ll make sure to get enough pizza for everyone.”
“Thanks, Toni.”
“You’re welcome.”
Cutter went back to work, and once he was out of earshot, my mom leaned over. “He’s going to take it the hardest, and he’s going to take it out on you because you’re the closest person to his mom.”
“Yep.” Fun times ahead. I sat back and sighed. Maybe I could get Miri to say something to Cutter, like some deathbed promise, anything to save mine and Cutter’s relationship.