Chapter 17 Cutter
Cutter
It was game day, and normally, I felt stoked about playing. Nothing compared to the exhilaration of being out on the court, knowing the other team had to do whatever they could to stop us.
To stop me.
I wanted twenty-five points today—a career high. I had come close twice but never managed to break past twenty-four. Maybe if I had taken one more three or driven harder to the basket for an and-one, I could’ve made it.
Although all of that depended on how I played and whether Coach pulled me out early.
If we ran up the score, some of us would have to sit. I hated the bench. It made me antsy. My legs bounced while I sat there, watching my teammates. I wanted to be out there with them all the time. How fun would it be if basketball were an eight- or ten-man sport?
“It’d be wild,” I muttered, tossing the basketball in the air. I always practiced my form in my bedroom before I’d head downstairs for my power breakfast.
My mind drifted to my mom. She always made my Saturday morning game day breakfast, but who would do it when she was gone? My stomach twisted at the thought of her not being here. She was all I knew. All I had ever known. Sure, Toni had been around forever, but she wasn’t my mom and never would be.
I knew I was supposed to love Toni, but why? Because she was my mom’s best friend? My honorary aunt?
“When did you stop liking her?” I asked my empty bedroom, hoping the walls might answer.
I wished I remembered when I woke up and decided Toni wasn’t my friend anymore.
She had always been there for us—at my games when they were close to her, here for the holidays, letting us stay at her place in Boston for a week of fun.
“So why?”
I couldn’t think of a valid reason other than the fact that she felt like another mother figure, and I didn’t want one.
My thoughts spun in circles, from my mom to Toni, back to my mom, and then to Eleni.
I sighed at the image that formed in my mind.
The two of us spending as much time after school as we could before practice.
I counted down the days until we could be alone together.
We wanted privacy and hated looking over our shoulders to see who was trying to sneak up on us or who was lurking.
The last thing I wanted was for one of my friends to see Eleni and me touching each other.
If rumors started about her, I’d lose my shit on everyone.
Her parents were strict when I was there. We weren’t allowed to leave the living room, where one of her grandfathers kept a watchful eye on us. At my house, we had a little more privacy, but not by much. If we left the house, Nova followed. And Eleni wasn’t allowed upstairs.
It was like my mom was punishing me for her mistake when she was a teenager, even though she’d never admit I was a mistake. At least she hadn’t ever treated me like I’d ruined her life.
Right now, I felt like Eleni was the only good thing in my life. She knew about my mom because everyone in town knew about my mom but hadn’t said anything to me yet. I loved that she was waiting for me to tell her when I was ready.
What if I was never ready? Even thinking that my mom was going to die sooner than forty or fifty years from now made me nauseous. She couldn’t leave me and Nova.
There was a knock on my door, and then it opened.
“Hey,” my mom said as she leaned against the doorjamb.
She didn’t look sick, other than the bandage I could see peeking out of her shirt.
She must have had some IV type of thing put into her body, so the doctors wouldn’t have to put one in her hand every day she went in for treatment.
“Hey,” I said as I continued to toss the ball in the air.
“Can I come in?”
I nodded, with my head against my pillow, and then said, “Sure.” I tossed the ball a couple more times before stopping.
Mom walked in and went to the corkboard she’d put up after we redid my room. I didn’t want one, but she said she’d had one when she was younger. That she had saved all her mementos and wished she could look at them every now and again.
Now, I didn’t mind it because Eleni often printed pictures of us, or the newspaper put me on the front page, and I definitely wanted to keep those things.
“Big game today?”
I shrugged. Technically, Coach wanted us to consider every game a big game, but sometimes they were just games you were expected to win easily. This was one of those games. However, with that mindset, we’d lose.
“Yeah,” I said. “You’re coming, right?”
Mom smiled, and my heart stopped for a moment. Would I forget her smile? The one she just had for me? Tears pricked, and I pushed them away. She didn’t need to see me crying.
“Of course I am. You know I would’ve been there last week . . .” She sighed and moved toward me.
I sat up, and before I could motion for her to sit next to me, she did.
“You know I didn’t want to miss the game last week.”
I nodded.
“And you know I don’t want to miss any of your games. Ever.”
Again, I nodded and held my breath. I didn’t want to cry in front of her.
My mom reached for my hand. Our fingers linked, and she squeezed. “There is going to come a time when I may not look my best, so if you think I’m going to embarrass you, then you tell me to stay home, and I will.”
The tears I didn’t want to show her spilled over. I stared at the wall instead of looking at her. I was the man of the house. I was supposed to be strong for her.
Her fingers touched my chin and tugged me to look at her. She had tears as well.
“I’m scared,” I whispered.
She nodded. “I know. Me too.”
“What are we going to do?”
My mom smiled softly. “You’re going to grow up to be an amazing man who thrives at life, who doesn’t let anyone or anything hold him back from what he wants.”
“But you won’t be here to guide me.”
Her head moved back and forth, as if she was admitting it all repeatedly. “But I believe I’ll see all. I’ll be here.” She placed her hand over my heart. “And here.” And then put her fingers on my temple.
“It’s not going to be the same.”
“I know,” she said, and more tears fell from her eyes. “I need you to do me a favor.”
“What’s that?”
“Continue to be the best big brother to Nova. She’s so young and won’t understand any of this.”
I scoffed. “I don’t understand any of this, Mom. How come you didn’t go to the doctor sooner? Why did you wait until you were so sick that death is the only answer?” I stood up and began pacing.
“Cutter.” She said my name softly. “I only started not feeling good a couple of weeks ago. Sure, I was tired, but I thought it was from the long hours at work. It didn’t occur to me that something so horrible could be wrong.”
She stood and came toward me, placed her hands on my cheeks, and held me in place. “Leaving you and your sister is worse than knowing I’m not going to be here someday. Knowing I won’t be here to watch you . . .” She paused, because her list of what she was going to miss was long.
“Knowing you’re hurting fills me with regret because what if there was something I could have done this year? Last year? Where did I go wrong?”
As much as I wanted to step away from her, I couldn’t. I looked in her eyes—eyes that matched mine and Nova’s—hoping I could remember everything in the way she looked at me.
“I love you, Mom.”
“You’re the love of my life, Cutter Vaughn. Don’t you ever forget it.”
I nodded and fell into her arms. Her hold was still as tight as it was before we knew she was sick.
“Come on,” she said as she motioned toward the door. “I need to make your breakfast, and then we gotta get you to the gym.”
“I need a minute.”
She wiped what was left of my tears away with her thumbs. “Okay, my son. Eggs, bacon, and hash browns?”
“Yes, please.”
“Home fries or shreds?”
I thought for a minute and remembered how Nova loved home fries. “Home fries, please.”
Mom brought me forward until she could press her lips to my forehead. “Love you,” she said as she turned toward the door.
“Mom?”
She looked over her shoulder.
“What’s going to happen to us?”
My mom smiled softly and tilted her head. “Antonia will be your guardian. She’s going to take care of you and Nova.”
Deep down, I knew this, but I needed to hear it. Toni was better than foster care, but I also wondered if we would go live with our grandparents.
Now that my mom had confirmed we’d stay with Toni, I had more questions. Would I have to leave school? Would Toni move to Grove Hill? Would we stay in this house?
“Toni is going to teach you to drive as well,” Mom said. “Please listen to her.”
I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face. I’d wanted to learn to drive since I turned fifteen, but for some reason my mom always put it off.
“I will. Thank you for asking her.”
Mom smiled again. “It wasn’t me, Cutter. This was Toni’s idea.” She closed the door to give me the time I needed to regain my composure. When I saw Toni this morning, I would have to thank her. She didn’t have to ask my mom, but she had, and now because of her, I’d get to learn how to drive.
I took some deep breaths, fist-pumped the air, and went into the bathroom to splash some water on my face. When I opened the door, Nova was standing there in her mini Grove Hill Timberwolves jersey. It had my number and last name on the back.
She held out her hand for a high five, which I happily tapped. “Can I have a piggyback ride?”
I rolled my eyes and pretended like this was a big deal. It wasn’t. Crouching down, she hopped onto my back and locked her hands over her wrists once they were around my neck.
“Aunt Toni went and got us doughnuts.”
“It’s game day.”
“I know, dork,” she said, laughing. “Why do you think I have this jersey on?”
I shrugged. “Because I’m your awesome big brother and you want the world to know how much you love me.”
“You wish, but I do love you. Thank you for the ride.” I set her down in the hall, and she ran toward the kitchen. I followed, hearing voices.
When I entered, I took in the scene and worked to commit it to memory because I doubted I’d see this again.
My mom stood at the stove, cooking. Toni moved around the small table we sat at often, setting dishes down.
Nova rummaged through the bag of doughnuts from the Cozy Cup Café.
And Brendan, Toni’s boyfriend, smiled when he saw me.
“Brendan!” I wasn’t sure why I was so excited to see him, but I was. He was a cool guy and fun to be around.
“What’s up, my guy?” He came over and gave me one of those strong hand-clasped bro-hug things. I had yet to master it but had tried working it out with a couple of the guys on the team.
“Are you here for my game?”
“Of course, and then I hear we’re going for a drive later.”
“No, you’re teaching him the basics,” Toni said.
Brendan rolled his eyes and mouthed, “You can drive.”
I appreciated him but owed a huge thanks to Toni. After chatting with Brendan for a few more minutes, I made my way over to her, now sitting at the table.
“Thank you for saying something to my mom.”
“You’re welcome,” she said without looking at me. I knew it was because I’d been a jerk to her, and yet she’d still spoken up on my behalf.
After breakfast, we climbed into my mom’s Tucson, which was a bit cramped with all five of us, especially with Brendan and me being so tall, and headed to the school.
I almost told them to stay home until my game, but I wanted my mom to drive me and suspected Toni wouldn’t allow her to drive by herself, which left Nova with Brendan, which probably wasn’t a great idea.
Although, if we were going to be a big family soon, he would probably need to spend some quality time with her.