Mayluna

40 EVIE

E VIE

I finally arrived in the city on a blustery day with winter holding a tight grasp on spring’s arrival.

When the cab got closer to the hotel, the driver grumbled about the traffic.

It would be better to get dropped off a little farther away.

As I approached the hotel on foot, I realized with a shock what the commotion was all about.

There was a crowd of people outside the hotel, spilling into the streets a bit, hoping to get a glimpse of the band.

My band, as it had come to feel like. My family.

Carter had told me that the response after the Grammys was explosive, but I had been so wrapped up in everything I was dealing with that I hadn’t realized the degree to which he was referring.

I fought through the crowd to get to the front door.

I saw a girl holding up a sign that said I L OVE Y OU , C ARTER .

Normally, I would have laughed, but my sense of humor had grown elusive, and it scraped my nerves.

I approached a bellman and told him I was a guest of the hotel, then went to the receptionist.

“Hi. I’m meeting my boyfriend here. He left an envelope with the key.”

“No problem, ma’am. What’s your name?”

“Evelyn Waters.” I leaned my head wearily on my hand, looking forward to lying down before Carter got back.

I was woozy, and the trip had taken nearly every last drop of my energy.

I’d left a few boxes in storage with the landlord and lugged the remains of my life in a heavy, hopeful suitcase that I trailed behind me.

The receptionist looked around the desk but came up empty-handed. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there’s no envelope for you here.”

“Are you sure? When I spoke with him this morning, he said it would be here.”

“I can check again. What’s the guest’s name?”

“Carter Wills,” I replied distractedly.

Her face went from friendly to pinched in a millisecond, and then I understood the situation I was in. The new reality of things.

“Right. Well, if you’re Carter Wills’s girlfriend, then I’m sure he’ll be running right along any minute to fetch you.

In the meantime, you’ll have to wait outside with all the others.

I’m afraid the hotel lobby is strictly for guests.

Unless you’d like me to call security to escort you out, that is.

” The receptionist smirked at me, and I wanted to strangle her with her tacky silk scarf.

I started to say something back, but before the words could come out, I spun on my heels and ran to the lobby bathroom.

When I exited, she glared at me. Drained of energy, I left the lobby and, rather than walk another block to the nearest coffee shop, I took a place sitting on the sidewalk at the back of the crowd, leaning my head against the wall, as icy rain started to drizzle. I was too tired to walk anywhere else.

They had been due any minute, but I didn’t know how long I’d been sitting there waiting, and it felt like forever.

Finally, two large black SUVs pulled up to the curb in front of the hotel, and I pushed my way through to the front of the growing crowd in a fit of frustration and annoyance.

Several security guards I didn’t recognize jumped out of the first car, and then Fred climbed out, followed by Darren, then Carter and the rest of them.

If one more girl had screamed “Carter” in my ear in a high-pitched shrill, I would have lost it.

He didn’t see me in the crowd, and he didn’t hear me when I called out.

I pushed my way farther through, lunging toward him, but was roughly shoved back by a burly and sweating member of the paparazzi holding an enormous camera.

The frustration of the day was too much, and I pushed him, trying to get through, while he shoved me back.

“Get the hell off her!” Alex shouted, pushing past a security guard while trying to pull me through, cradling me against his chest. There was a scuffle, two men, Alex lost his grip on me, and before I knew it, I heard a shriek from some girls as Carter’s fist came out of nowhere and pounded into the side of a photographer’s head.

I went down with the guy as he lost his balance and tumbled.

Just before I hit the ground, Carter’s arms scooped me up, and he carried me through the doors of the hotel.

Stunned and dazed by the scene, I burrowed against his shoulders, my hands instinctively wrapping protectively around my stomach as I thought of the way a knee had knocked the wind out of me in the chaos.

In an instant, I thought of the fragile life inside me and was flooded with the most intense feelings of love and protection I’d ever experienced.

As we walked to the elevators, I heard Carter yelling, “Freddie! What the hell was she doing out there with all those people? What kind of guy shoves a girl like that?” I had never seen him so furious.

“I want him gone. GONE , Fred! And that idiot in security. Who the hell was he, anyway?”

As we waited for the elevator, Carter continued to hold me. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Just before the elevator doors closed, I saw the snooty receptionist look at me, slack-jawed.

Carter placed me on the bed in his room and sat down next to me. “Are you okay?” He brushed his lips on mine. We hadn’t seen each other in weeks, and it was not the reunion that either of us had had in mind.

“I’m fine,” I said, my voice breaking. He dabbed a cold cloth where a bruise was forming on my eye from where an elbow had slammed into my face. “Better now that you’re here.”

“I’m so sorry. I thought someone had left a key for you.”

I shrugged, hurt that he hadn’t taken the time to do it himself. “I just want to lie down for a little while.” I set my hand on his face. “Just a few minutes. I didn’t sleep well, that’s all,” I told him, seeing the way he looked at me. “It’s just a scratch. I’m fine.”

He kissed me lightly. “I’ll be outside. Take your time.”

I was asleep in an instant, and when I awoke, it was dark. Carter sat beside me, and the smell of food wafted in from the penthouse living room, making my stomach feel both nauseated and hungry at the same time. I took a sip from a glass of water he’d placed on the table.

“I ordered some food, love. Are you hungry? You slept all afternoon.”

“Did I really?” I said, a little embarrassed and disoriented. I sat up and leaned into his arms.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked, stroking my hair.

I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled close, listening to his heartbeat. “I just really missed you.”

He chuckled. “Quite the sexy romantics, aren’t we? Fistfights and naps.”

I leaned against the leather headboard, and he crawled across me onto the bed, lying beside me. I laced my fingers through his, a habit that had grown from lazy Sunday mornings in hotel beds.

He sighed heavily. “Can you believe all of this? That crowd?”

“It was definitely a surprise.”

“It’s been like this lately, but I had no idea it would be this wild.” He turned to his stomach and propped his chin on his hand, looking up at me with eyes as wide as a young boy’s. “It feels like overnight, everything just ... changed.”

“Tell me about it,” I whispered.

“It’s good, though, I suppose, right?” He looked as though he were weighing the truth of this statement.

“Do you ever feel like your life is so perfect that you’re afraid to breathe?

Like at any moment, something will shift and cause the whole stack of cards to tumble.

First the tour and then the Grammys. And you and I are going to be traveling to all of these amazing places, running all over the world.

Together.” He paused and sighed. “Is it okay to be this happy? To actually be this excited about the future? I feel like I’m going to jinx it. ”

I watched him talk. He was bubbling, lit from inside. I swallowed hard against the lump forming in my throat as I shook my head and smiled. “It’s really wonderful to see you this happy.”

“I just ... I have this feeling like the other shoe is going to drop. Like at any moment, someone’s going to say, Surprise , and it’s all going to disappear.”

His eyes searched mine, wanting me to share his happiness.

I tried my best to mirror his expression, hoping my face didn’t reveal the storm inside me and the guilt that had settled in my chest.

He looked at me closely for the first time since I’d arrived, a line forming across his forehead. I knew I looked terrible. I was pale and gaunt, and I knew it. And I also knew he’d never say anything about it. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

I didn’t answer.

He raised his eyebrows and cocked his head, prodding gently.

I inhaled a breath and opened my mouth to speak, holding in a thousand words.

“I just missed you, that’s all.” I exhaled, pushing it all down again.

Funny thing, I often go back to that exact moment in my memories, wondering why I hesitated.

I still don’t fully understand it. Instincts, maybe. Fear? Love? I’m not sure.

He narrowed his eyes. “I ... missed you too.” He brushed my lips with his. “But why do I get the distinct feeling that there’s something else?”

Once again, we were interrupted by a hard knock on the door. “We’ll be out in a few,” Carter called.

“I’m so sorry; we have this thing tonight, and I have to jump in the shower. You still want to come, right?” They were doing a late-night talk show, and I’d planned to tag along.

“If you don’t mind, I think I’ll skip it tonight.”

Disappointment crossed his face. “Are you sure? I can’t stand leaving you already.”

“I’m okay. Really. Have fun.”

“All right. But while I’m gone, will you do something for me, please?” He jumped up and started shedding his clothes.

“What’s that?”

“Eat something! You’re beautiful”—he kissed me, heading for the bathroom, naked—“but it’s been hours and you need to eat!”

After draining the glass of water, I pulled one of his sweatshirts over me and zipped it up as I padded into the living room, finding Alex on the sofa, all limbs and angles, feet propped up on a coffee table.

I curled up beside him and reached over to kiss him on the cheek.

“There he is, my hero.” I rested my head on his shoulder. “Thanks for your help, mister.”

He draped his arm over my leg and in turn rested his head against mine. “You look like shit, Ev.”

“Thank you, I’m touched. And it’s nice to see you too,” I joked.

“Want to tell me what’s going on with you?” he asked.

My eyes welled, my defenses failing. “No. Not really,” I whispered.

“Okay. Have it your way.”

“What about you?” I asked. “You doing okay?”

He took a breath. “Yeah. I mean—every time I look in the mirror, I have to remind myself that all of this is exactly what we’ve always wanted. But it’s good.”

I looked up at him and the deep darkness inside his eyes.

“I think you’re doing a pretty good job, all things considered.”

He leaned into me with a faint smile. “Thanks, Ev.”

“I’m ordering some food. Can I get you anything while I’m at it?”

He exhaled a weary laugh. “An ounce of high-quality Peruvian marching powder would be great.”

I smiled and gave him a look as I reached for the phone. “Right. So ... tea, then?”

“Perfect.”

I patted him on the leg, and he placed his hand on mine before looking up, both of us watching Carter walk across the room, light as air.

I would recall that quiet moment with Alex for years.

The comfort and warmth between us, both in our own struggles, trying to manage.

Alex let almost nobody into his world, and yet over time, he had let me in.

I never took that for granted. I was proud of him for how well he’d been doing. I should have told him that night.

Later, I sat on the sofa, nibbling at some fruit while I watched the guys on the late-night talk show. The host chatted easily with Carter.

“So I hear there’s quite a commotion over you guys downstairs.

Panties flying everywhere,” he joked, handing Carter a pair of cherry-red lace panties.

I rolled my eyes. “So, Mr. Wills, speaking of panties on the stage, is there a girlfriend in your life?” he asked.

The audience screamed in enthusiasm. Carter grinned that adorable, boyish smile that I loved.

“Yeah. In fact, there is. She’s pretty amazing.”

“Anything else you’d like to add?”

“Nah. We’re trying to stay in our own little bubble. Keeping it as private as we can. Trying to steer clear of the whole public roller coaster, you know? No complications. Enjoying life. I’ll just leave it at that,” he said with a smile.

“Smart man, Mr. Wills,” the host replied.

“No complications,” I said out loud to myself, repeating his words as I looked down at my stomach and let out a long breath.

“So you’re fresh off the Grammys. What’s coming up next?”

Good question.

Would it always be like this? I began to wonder while sitting alone in that hotel room.

I set my hand on my stomach again, on this tiny life depending on me.

This little person who would spend their childhood looking out the window, wishing for a traditional family that they might never get.

Questioning if they’d truly been wanted or had been a burden on the lives of their parents.

Just like me. I wasn’t sure what was harder—growing up so much of the time alone or knowing that once upon a time, I had been loved by a parent who was gone.

I wondered if it would have been better to have not known what I was missing.