41 EVIE
E VIE
I don’t remember why I went downstairs to the lobby before everyone else that morning. You’d think I would, but I don’t.
“Move it, you two. The car’s downstairs.
We’ve gotta be outta here in twenty minutes.
” I’d startled awake a bit earlier to the sound of Fred’s booming voice and blinked at the light pouring into the room as he pounded on the door a second time.
Carter had pulled the covers over both of us in defiance.
“Hey, sleeping beauty, we have to get up, I’m afraid. You were already asleep by the time we got back last night, and I didn’t want to wake you.”
“What time is it?”
“Time to go, I’m afraid.”
I looked at Carter, confused. “I thought we weren’t leaving until this afternoon?”
“Pretty sure it’s nearly there.”
I groaned, curling into his chest.
“I could stay in bed with you for hours.” He kissed me, pulling me closer to him.
“But sadly, duty calls. Come on, you.” He kissed me once more, then jumped up, heading out of the room before I could respond.
I sat up for a moment, trying to get my bearings, and then, with some amount of determination, managed to shower and dress.
When he returned, he found me sitting on the edge of the bed.
I looked up at him. “I don’t think I can do this,” I said quietly, as much to myself as to him.
“What?” he asked.
“Any of it.”
But he didn’t understand my meaning, chuckling and giving me a gentle peck on the lips and telling me I’d be fine. He’d thought at the time that I was just complaining about being sleepy. I’d never been much of a morning person, after all. He’d gone to get me coffee.
It was an unusual confluence of events that morning in March, several things all coming together and meeting in the unassuming lobby of that New York hotel.
First, he was unusually distracted that weekend, totally out of character and overwhelmed with the schedule and the new flurry of fame that had suddenly descended on his once-quiet life.
Second, I’d become unraveled by the anxiety and the weight of the prospect of bringing a child into the world—feeling completely alone and afraid of being a part of Carter’s life and simultaneously afraid of losing him.
I was terrified to tell him about the baby and everything it would mean.
Terrified of what it could do to him. No matter how hard I tried, it just wouldn’t come out.
I had told myself it would be better to wait until we were back in London.
I’m not proud of any of this, and I wish I could have been stronger, but sometimes old wounds break us into the lowest version of ourselves.
But then there was the third and final blow: my father.
I’d been getting tea, I think, maybe. Or ginger ale.
I don’t know. But I remember the burgundy lobby walls spinning a bit and my head feeling foggy.
I had barely been able to keep down any of the food I’d eaten the day before, and I was shaky.
The trip had taken its toll on me, and I could tell that I was getting dehydrated again.
I wasn’t used to things being so hectic with the band.
That’s when I saw him talking to the receptionist. My father. I thought it was my imagination at first until he turned his face and saw me. I was going to ask him why he was there, but I realized I already knew, and my shoulders fell.
“Surprise!” he said, stretching his arms wide. Despite everything, I leaned in and gave the slightest hug, and as I did, I saw him look over my shoulder. “Where’s your other half?”
I hesitated. “Not sure what you mean, Dad.”
He leaned back and gave me a wry look. “You know, it’s funny.
There I was last night watching Letterman , and I see this guy come on and think, Man, he looks familiar.
And then, pow! It hits me! That’s Evie’s guy!
So I hopped on a train this morning and came up here to see my girl.
” He looked excited. “Hey! You should’ve told me your new man was a big rock star. ”
“It’s not like that, Dad.”
“Sure sounded like it! And here you are!”
“I’m just here for work, that’s all.” I was weary and a little unsteady on my feet.
He watched me close, taking my arm. “Hey, you doin’ all right? You don’t look so good, kiddo.”
I swallowed, about to reply, but in an instant, darted down a side hall to the nearby bathroom and threw up the toast and coffee I’d had, bursting into tears as I did so.
I’ll never forget the way I looked in the mirror that day.
I barely recognized myself. I washed my face, and when I walked out, my father was standing outside the bathroom.
“Everything all right?”
“I’m fine. Just a stomach bug.”
“Stomach bug, eh?” He gave me a long look and then laughed a bit, as if waving the thought away. Still, he watched me closely.
He scratched his chin. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say ... Eh, never mind.”
“You’d say what?” I don’t know why I asked. I think sometimes when you’re in your weakest and frailest state, it’s instinctual to long for the comfort of a parent ... even a bad one.
He looked at me sideways. “You’re not knocked up, are you? You look a lot like your mom did when she was pregnant with you.” His face softened uncharacteristically as a memory seemed to pass through his mind. “Boy, was she sick.”
If I’d had just another moment to process it, or maybe if he hadn’t mentioned my mother, whom I was so desperately missing and needing, I would have been able to distract him. But my eyes filled with tears. And despite it all, he was still my father, and he must have seen something in my face.
His eyes grew wide. “I’ll be damned; I’m right. Aren’t I?”
He took my silence as confirmation and shook his head as he let out a big sigh.
“Well, where is he?” He looked over my shoulder for Carter.
“Don’t start, Dad. You don’t understand anything about this.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Hey, I saw in the paper what he did to that reporter. Is that son of a bitch the one who gave you that bruise?” He touched the bruise on my face that had bloomed after the scuffle outside the hotel.
“I knew it. I knew he was a loose cannon. I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind. ”
“What? No! He would never hurt me.”
“Ah, so you are with him, then.”
“No.” I sighed. “Dad, please, can you just stop? You have no idea what you’re talking about. Things are complicated enough for me right now. They’re waiting for me. I need you to go. Now. Please.”
He looked offended, and I couldn’t tell if it was sincere or not. “I can’t leave my baby girl here, pregnant.”
“Since when do you care?”
“Oh, don’t be dramatic. You sound just like your mother.” My heart tugged at the mention of her again. And the resentment from deep down inside bubbled up in full force.
“Funny how you suddenly seem to care when I’m in the middle of all this. See an opportunity, huh, Dad? Well, there isn’t one. It’s just work.”
“Looks like you’ve been doing a whole lot more than working.
” He looked pointedly at my stomach. “You always hung out with the fancy kids at school, trying to fit in. But I always knew you’d end up in some situation like this.
Figures he’d leave you high and dry. I imagine that’s what’s going on, right?
Not too happy with the situation? Sure ruined my shot when it happened to me.
But hey, I did my part. And you can’t let him get away with this. ”
No matter where I’d gone or what I’d accomplished, my father still thought of me as the kid who would amount to nothing.
The kid whose very existence he blamed for ruining his dreams. I closed my eyes, begging.
“Please just go back home. I’ll call you tomorrow.
I promise.” I didn’t tell him I’d be gone by then.
He put up his hands. “All right, all right. I’m going. But I’ll be calling you, okay?”
“Fine.”
“Take good care of yourself, peanut. Your mom had a real hard time. Was terrible sick. Just take it easy, okay?”
I think part of me thought he might actually be concerned. Maybe he was a little bit. I don’t know. “Okay. Thanks, Dad.”
I waited until I was sure he was gone before going back upstairs, still unnerved by everything he had said.
A short while later, there was a flurry of activity out in the living room before we paraded back down through the lobby en masse, while Carter kept a tight grip on my hand.
As we approached the front doors, I saw the wild group of fans outside the lobby doors, screaming the names of the band, and I recoiled, dizzy.
Will it always be like this? I remember wondering again.
I’m sure it all happened in just a few seconds, but in my mind, it feels like everything went in slow motion. Carter moved quickly, eyes forward, holding me close.
And in that instant, I realized the truth: I couldn’t let it happen. I couldn’t be the person who brought it all crashing down for him.
He would do anything for me.
But I couldn’t be the other shoe dropping.
I’d always known I would lose him. I’d been preparing for it all along, I supposed. I just never imagined it would be this way.
Maybe it was the mess of my father being there reminding me of who I was.
Maybe it was the excitement I’d heard in Carter’s voice.
Or knowing how big they were all going to be.
Whatever it was, I knew in that moment what I had to do.
How this whole thing would have to go. All along, I’d been worried about how Carter would react to everything, when in reality, he would never have to know at all.
It seemed selfish to fight for him. I could let him go in peace.
I braced myself for the moment that would break me in two, and before I knew it, I stopped.
“You okay?” Carter turned around and looked at me. Fred hovered nearby. “Ev?”
I dropped his hand. “Carter. I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”