57 EVIE
E VIE
At this point, I’m sure you’re probably wondering the same thing he was—did I ever truly love your dad?
And I want you to know, I need you to know, that I absolutely did.
He was a good man; you know that. He had bought me flowers on special occasions and my favorite perfume every Christmas.
I had done all the same for him. We were good partners.
We’d loved each other in the kind of way that two companions do.
There are different kinds of love in this world, and there is room for all of it.
But on that night, I wasn’t thinking about any of that, and neither was Carter.
All we felt was the wonderment of being near to each other again.
Forgoing the walk we’d planned, we curled beside each other on the sofa and talked for hours, in a room lit only by the glow of the city lights below.
We got to know each other again, providing general pictures of our lives.
Our hands reunited in their familiar dance, our fingers tangling among one another as we basked in each other’s company.
“I missed your hands,” he said.
“You did?”
He traced each finger with his. “They’re so delicate. Gentle. They were one of my favorite things about you.” I warmed, smiling at the way he spoke to me, at the words he chose and the way he said them. He touched the silver bangle on my wrist, the one I’d worn when we were together.
He wanted me to tell him about my kids, and I loved that.
“Well, let’s see ... Lucas. He’s my little bubbly one. Easy and pleasant. He bounces off the walls with happiness. It’s sort of infectious.”
He smiled at this. “And your daughter?”
“Lainey. She’s beautiful. Striking really, but she hasn’t figured it out yet.
People stop us sometimes and tell us. She’s sensitive and a little on the quiet side.
Earnest. Focused. Sometimes I think she was born an old woman, wise already.
When she was a baby, she had an unnerving way of looking at me like she knew far more than I did. ”
“Does she look like you?”
“A little. But she looks more like her father,” I replied, taking in the sight of his face.
“And you made a nice life with him? Steve? Found your way back to each other, I guess.”
“We did,” I told him gently. “We’d grown up together. It was easy. Maybe too easy, I guess. He’s a good man.”
“And you loved him?”
“Very much,” I said honestly, and he sighed. “But it wasn’t like this,” I added. “Not like it was with us.”
He looked at me, almost as if amused. “Oh, I know that.”
As if to say, Of course not. Nothing could be like us. So certain. I loved that about him.
“So anyway, what about you? Don’t you have some fabulous model fiancée?” I asked, again trying to make it lighter than it was, feeling a pinch in my chest at the thought of the women who had been in his arms.
He shook his head.
“You’re not together?” It came out a little jauntier than I’d have liked.
“No. We were, but it wasn’t what everyone made it out to be. She’s not my fiancée. Don’t believe everything you hear. We’re not even together anymore. We broke up a few weeks ago. But we’d ended a long time before that, I think. I’m not very good at relationships.”
“I find that very hard to believe. I have experience with this, you know.” I said it teasingly, but his face had grown serious.
He leaned his back into the cushion and sighed, resting his arm on his closed eyes.
It was a while before he spoke. “Evie, when you left, everything changed. I couldn’t figure out how one minute, you loved me, and then you woke up one day and found everything we’d shared completely disposable.
I never trusted anyone again after that.
You just walked away. Everything went dark after that. ”
“It didn’t feel that way. It seemed like you barely skipped a beat. You were back out on tour right away.” Like it hadn’t fazed him. That was when I stopped listening and turned it all off.
He let out a breath and shook his head. “Man, that tour. Sometimes I think it was better you weren’t there.”
“Oh,” I said, smarting a bit from the comment.
“No, I just mean that it was crazy. Looking back, I have a hard time remembering a lot of it. It was nonstop. Nothing like that first one that you remember. We’d always said we’d keep it together, but honestly, sometimes I don’t know how we survived that one.”
“That good, huh?” I said, swallowing hard.
“That bad. Depending how you look at it, I guess. Or maybe who you ask.”
I wondered where I’d been and what I’d been doing that first night he finally accepted the offer of some faceless woman. The thought made me shudder.
“And now? Are you still that way?” My fingers traced lazy circles on his leg as an attempt to distract myself. To tell myself that this was just an easy conversation, when in reality, it was excruciating.
He looked at me with a sad smile. “I guess I became the cliché, after all.”
“I doubt that very much.”
“Thanks.”
“Did you love any of them?” I asked.
He let out a deep sigh. “Maybe. No. I don’t know.
It was hard to tell. Illa was special, I suppose.
I’d started to think, Finally, maybe this is it , but it wasn’t with anyone.
They expected me to be someone I wasn’t.
Or maybe I expected them to be someone different.
” He turned toward me and drew a leg beneath him, resting his head on his hand.
His eyes looked sleepy, and the stubble on his cheeks had grown darker.
His hair was disheveled, but at the same time, he looked like he could be at a photo shoot or in a magazine.
I reached up and twisted my fingers through his hair, just reminding myself that I could touch him, running my hand down to the warmth of his neck.
He took my hand. “I compared everyone to you, Ev. To what we’d had, and everyone failed.
I couldn’t make myself settle for less.”
I traced the letters of my name imprinted on his ring finger. He followed my gaze.
“I would’ve married you back then, you know,” he said softly.
I startled and looked up as he continued.
“I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I’d been daydreaming about the idea of proposing to you.
Getting married barefoot on some pretty little hillside or something.
I’m sure you had something much nicer and more traditional. ”
I was so filled with emotion, I didn’t know what to say. I traced the infinity symbol on his other finger, and he smiled. “Such a romantic,” I said.
“More like a fool.”
“No,” I whispered. “You’re not.”
He leaned over and kissed me, sliding his hand down my side, around my waist. His breath grew unsteady, and I knew we were both feeling the same thing. I thought of everything I’d gone through over the years trying to let him go. I couldn’t do it again.
I sat up slowly. “I should probably get going.”
“Oh,” he said, startled as he turned to look at the clock. “It’s not that late, is it?”
“The sun’s almost up.”
I was already standing, fishing around the room for my shoes and my phone, trying to keep my eyes from lingering on how extraordinary he looked, sleepy on the sofa. “Lucas has a soccer game this morning that I have to get to and ... Have you seen my purse? I can’t find my purse.”
“Evie, wait.”
“And you have to leave soon to get to another show. Chicago, right? And I’ve got meetings to get ready for this week, and some research to do tonight, and the kids are back in school now, and—”
“Evie.” He stood, walking toward me on bare feet.
“I can’t believe how late it is. Time still flies with us.” I tried to smile. “I can’t find ... Oh, wait, there it is.”
I continued gathering my things until he grasped my shoulders. “Shhh.” I reluctantly met his eyes. “Stop. Do not disappear again.”
“I’m not disappearing, Carter. You’re on tour and leaving. I have a life I need to get back to. It just is what it is.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
“I need to sort all of this out.”
“I know.”
“It’s not just me. Just us. I have kids now. I have to think about them.” I backed away again, not knowing what the future held, just knowing that I needed to get home. I was almost to the door when he spoke.
“All I want to do is take you with me right now,” he told me.
“But I can’t. Not right this minute. But we can figure it out.
At least talk about it.” I turned to face him, and at that very moment, all I wanted was to be able to split myself in two.
To leave with him and have a life together, while staying with Lainey and Lucas, secure in their world.
He paused, watching me closely, before continuing.
“The tour’s almost over. And we have a break coming up for a couple of weeks.
I’ll be heading back to London. You could—”
“Carter.”
“I understand that you need to get home right now. This has been a lot. If I could stay, I would. I promise. But after this week, we could spend some time together. I don’t know ... just see.”
I shook my head. “This feels like déjà vu.”
“Or a second chance.”
“I can’t just leave town. I wasn’t expecting any of this. It’s not like it used to be.”
“I know that,” he said.
“It’s complicated, Carter.”
“I know that too.”
Except that he didn’t. He didn’t know at all.
“Evie, look at me.” Slowly, I met his eyes. He reached down and kissed me, softly at first, then deeper as we clung to one another. The waves began to roll again, propelling us forward. “What are you doing here?” he whispered and kissed me again. “Tell me.”
I tried to breathe but couldn’t.
“Say it.” He held me tightly. “Say it. I know it’s true.” The words roiled beneath the surface until I could no longer contain them.
“I still love you,” I whispered finally. “I never stopped.”
He took my face in his hands. “I know.”
Once again, my legs grew weak beneath me. I’d been dreaming of this every day since we parted but thought it no more likely than a child’s far-flung wish on a birthday candle. Suddenly, there it was, a second chance sitting right in front of me.
“Let me show you,” he said then. I watched him choosing his words with care.
“My life can be much quieter these days. It’ll be years before we go on tour again, and I’m going back home to London.
I know it’s hard to see it, but we can have this.
It can be okay. We don’t have to decide anything—just come and stay for a little while.
Don’t let it end again here like this. Not tonight. ”
When I left that night, I already knew that I would go, of course. He was right. But it wasn’t just about me. And sometimes decisions have to linger beneath the surface before we’re willing to move.