58 EVIE
E VIE
Can you imagine me at that soccer game a few hours later?
You have to laugh—I mean, really. I must have looked half-insane, bleary-eyed from lack of sleep and no doubt in some sort of emotional shock.
Living two lives, one inside my mind, with Carter occupying every free thought, as images of us swirled.
And one on the outside, with the real world and my family.
It was like trying to look in two directions at the same time.
Then again, I probably just looked like the moms who smuggled wine in their massive coffee tumblers—glassy laughs and drifting sideways a bit.
No offense, Lucas, I loved your soccer games, but that one took some serious maternal devotion, and I probably would have skipped it, but I remember there being something I was assigned to do that day—some parental responsibility on a sign-up sheet of dates.
Snacks or something. Kate must have called me a hundred times through the night, and she’d shown up at our front door within minutes of me texting her that I was alive and indeed home.
We sat at my kitchen table as we had so many times before, as I told her the story I’d held in so tightly over the years, much like I’m doing right now. It spilled out of me in a cathartic wave as she sat in disbelief.
“Last night, I was so confused,” she said. “But then it hit me. The musician. The guy you dated when you were in New York. I’d completely forgotten about that until last night. Evie, why didn’t you ever tell me that’s who he was? I always figured he was just some guy.” She seemed a little hurt.
“I almost did a few times. But back then, you and I hardly saw each other, and we were busy with life. We barely talked. Then when it was over, I came back here. It was easier to let it stay in the past. And besides—” I gestured toward the walls of my kitchen.
A refrigerator covered in school drawings and pizza coupons, granite countertops with a neat little basket of napkins, convection toaster oven, a row of cookbooks and a half-eaten banana that was more brown than yellow.
Overflowing baskets of shoes sat by the garage door, with neat little labels written in pink and blue chalk.
“Look at me; look at my life. I don’t exactly look like the kind of person who spends time with someone like Carter Wills. Who would’ve ever believed me?”
“I would have,” she said, and I knew she meant it.
Though I’m not sure that even she would have truly believed the extent of it had she not seen the exchange between us.
Until last night, Carter had been on a pedestal so high up in the stratosphere that he’d barely been a real, actual human being to her.
Let alone one who could love her childhood-friend-turned-housewife.
Then she rested her hand on mine, her eyes welling.
“Ev. You went through all of that alone.”
I nodded, thinking back. “I wasn’t alone exactly.”
“It makes better sense now. You and Steve. Not that it didn’t before, exactly. But still, it just fits better now.”
“He’s a good father. He’s a good man.”
“He certainly is,” she said warmly, thinking of her old friend in a newer light. She peppered me with a few more questions before growing quiet. Then grinned mischievously.
“Okay, so aside from the fact that you had some crazy, heartbreaking secret life, and the whole mess you’re in right now, let me get this straight. You’ve had sex—like real, naked-people sex—with Carter Wills.”
I giggled and nodded.
“Many times?”
“A long time ago, but yes.”
“And you just finished making out with him?”
I smiled. “We mostly talked.” I thought of his hand resting on my leg and his fingers intertwined in mine.
The bracelets of black cord, beads, and faint silver that adorned his tanned wrist. His thumb gently brushing over my skin.
I felt the coarseness of his light beard in contrast with the softness of his mouth.
She squealed. “There are about a million questions I want to ask you right about now, including some really dirty ones. But the only two words that keep coming to mind are Holy. Shit. Seriously, Evie, I didn’t know what the hell was going on last night.
I thought some crazy guy you used to work with was dragging us backstage to yell at you for stealing his favorite stapler in 1999 or something.
And then out of nowhere, Alex Winters shows up and starts yelling at you like he was sixteen years old and you’d just dented his new car or something.
And then ... then , when I thought it couldn’t get even crazier, Carter Wills—Carter damn Wills—is standing there, looking like some kind of angry sex god, staring at you like you’re the last human being on Earth.
I swear to God, it was like we were in a movie or something. I nearly died!”
My giggle turned to the relief of raucous laughter as we carried on like two schoolgirls at the entire situation. Oh, how I loved her. Her presence was soothing. And talking to her lifted a weight from me.
“So how does it feel now?” she asked.
“I don’t know yet. But after a while, it felt like it fit. Like I could breathe, Kate. His mere presence, just him near me, makes me feel safe. Like everything is just as it should be.”
“Wow,” she said softly.
“What?”
“You. Watching you talk about him. Your whole face changes—like a peaceful glow.” She smiled. “It’s just nice to see, that’s all.”
“All this time, I thought he’d forgotten, or hated, me. And now I find out ...”
“He still loves you?”
I nodded.
“Wow.” She shook her head, processing it. “Evie, what are you going to do? He loves you. And you clearly love him. You can’t keep going on this way. You guys have to be together, obviously.”
“It’s not that easy. It’s not like I can just pick up with him like nothing happened. It’s all different. I can’t turn everyone’s life upside down.”
“The kids are young; they could adapt.”
“If he’ll even still want me, you mean. After ...” I trailed off.
“You have to find out. You have to face it. You know that, right?” We ruminated over the empty teacups before Kate finally spoke.
“Look, I need to say something here as your oldest friend. I’ve seen the way you take care of your kids.
You were always the perfect mom. The perfect wife.
Had the perfect house. You’ve done a wonderful job.
But something about you ... I don’t know, it was like you were trying to fill the role you thought you were supposed to.
For you and for them. But it never quite seemed to suit you or make you happy.
You were always a little different than the rest of us growing up.
Like you were going someplace different.
And then you ended up here, which is wonderful and great.
But, I don’t know, maybe it’s not. I’ve never once seen you look at someone the way you and Carter looked at each other last night.
And look at you,” she said, taking my hand, “even in the midst of all of this, you’re a different person.
I feel like I’m seeing the real you for the first time in a really, really long time.
Maybe this is the right thing, after all.
Not just for you. But for him. For all of you.
And he’s right. You won’t know until you know. ”
I sighed heavily and dropped my head on my hands. “It’s all such a mess, Kate. All of it.”
“You have to talk to Steve.”
“I know.”
“He’ll understand, Ev.”
“I can’t hurt him again. He doesn’t deserve it.”
She looked at me sympathetically. “Who? Which one?”
“Both of them.”