26. Chapter 26
Chapter 26
Zach
M azie’s been different since she calmed down. A little aloof, if I’m being honest with myself. I’m trying not to pay it too much mind, but she moved away from the chair when her siblings were allowed in.
Even now, while they’re crowded around the bed, she’s standing on the other side of the room.
While I continue to participate in the conversation, I track her as she moves about the room, one arm crossed over her stomach, the other picking at her lip.
Disappointment weighs heavily on my chest. Knowing Mazie as well as I do, I know where her head is at. She’s likely fighting with herself about whether or not she can do this.
I have zero doubt that she wants to. But with her, it’s truly a thought of if .
Though the thought makes me a bit salty, I do understand it. It's just a conversation we need to have.
My nurse, Sonya, comes in and announces what I knew was coming. “Sorry to say that visiting hours are over for the day. Now, I’m not supposed to do this, but I have a soft spot for first responders because my brothers are all in various branches. You can choose one person to stay overnight.”
Eli, Alina, and Liv all move away from the bed and say quiet goodbyes. There’s a look of intensity in Eli’s, and I nod my acknowledgment. This is going to be something that he’s continually trying to thank me for, even though it’s not necessary.
They each hug Mazie, Alina putting her hands on her shoulders and making sure their eyes meet. “Call me if anything changes or you need anything. Okay?”
Mazie nods and chews her lip. It’s refreshing to see one of the Bakers taking care of Mazie for a change.
Once they’re out the door, I expect Mazie to come over and sit again, but she doesn’t, pacing by the end of my bed instead. She’s still playing with her lip, and I can hear a slow hum, but can’t make out any of the words she’s saying.
“M. Come sit with me.” I extend my left hand toward her, and while she hesitates for a moment, she does plop into the chair.
She’s a tight ball of nerves, and my heart sinks for worrying her so much.
My mouth opens to say something, but she interrupts, clearly blurting out what she’s been going over in her head.
“You can quit, right? I mean, money might be tight for a little while, but I make a good amount. I think we could get by on one income, at least for a while.”
I can practically see the gears running at double speed in her mind.
With a heavy sigh, I take her hand in mine and bring her knuckles to my lips. “I know you’re worried about me, M. And I’m sorry that I have a job that makes you wonder if I’ll come home to you. This situation certainly didn’t help. But I’m not quitting. Not only do I love what I do, but I help people. Yes, Juniper Grove is small, but it doesn’t matter.”
She moves forward and goes to speak, but I continue.
“I was able to save your brother today. What if I hadn’t been there? And I know you’re scared to lose me and that I’d be just one more person that you love who dies. But you’d be more upset losing Eli, and I know that. You love your siblings more than you can ever love me, and I’m okay with that. Because I’d do it all again to protect any one of your siblings to keep you whole. Because they’re who do that for you, Mazie. Not me.” It’s a realization I came to long before me and Mazie got together. And that’s the way it should be.
Whatever family we may go on to have will be the most important thing to her. But her siblings are who she’ll always go to when she needs help or advice. Or when I surely fuck up and she needs a shoulder to cry on. And that’s the way it should be. They’ve been through so much together and I’m happy they have each other.
If today has shown me anything, it’s that I may not always be around. But at least I know Mazie won’t be on her own, because she has her siblings.
“Doesn’t it…doesn’t it scare you?” There’s such deep sadness in her sapphire eyes.
“Dying?”
She nods as a tear slips from her eye.
“On some level, yeah, of course it does. Thinking about everything I’d leave behind, especially you. But I knew what I was getting myself into taking a job in law enforcement, even in a small town. You know as well as I do that it only takes one person, one time. If I can save somebody, especially somebody important to you, by giving my life for them, I’m going to do it without hesitation.”
“How can you say that when you’re important to me too?”
“Because I know it’d be a sacrifice for something greater. Like today, with your brother. The choice was easy, Mazie.”
“It just seems so easy for you to be willing to leave me.” Her voice cracks at the end.
I release her hands and cup the back of her neck. “Baby, it’s anything but.”
“Did you even think about me today? About what I’d do if you didn’t come home?”
“You were all I thought about today, M. And while I know my loss would hurt, I also know you’d never move on from Eli’s. Especially because you’ve never truly mourned your parents. Losing him would only add to it and that’s all I was worried about. Do you remember how distraught you were when Liv had her accident?”
Her face pales, as I’m sure she runs through the same memory I do. She was inconsolable. Nothing any of us said helped. No amount of reassurance was enough. She wanted names and numbers and heads on platters. I had to assure her I’d handled everything appropriately, so she didn’t get into any sort of trouble. It wasn’t until Jameson came that she calmed herself enough to be presentable. And I’m sure that was only because she had to put on the air of being in control.
“I couldn’t bear how you would have felt if something had happened to Eli.”
She drops her head into her hands and her body wracks with sobs. All I want to do right now is scoop her up in my arms and hold her, but I have these damn IV wires and a broken collarbone.
There’s an unsettled feeling in my stomach and a tightness in my chest. And it has nothing to do with my injury or surgery.
“Mazie. You need to decide if this is something you can do. I thought…I thought when we decided to give this a real shot, you had considered all the possibilities and come to peace with it, but it’s seeming like that’s not the case.”
Her eyes meet mine and they’re swimming with tears. “I tried. I thought I understood what it could mean. That things were fine as long as we stayed in Juniper Grove and you never had a desire to join the New York State Troopers. But today…” she trails off as her eyes overflow.
My cheeks fill, and I puff out a breath, running my hand through my hair. “I don’t really know what to say or where to go from here. I want to be with you, Mazie. All day, every day. For the rest of my life. But I’m not going to ask you to make yourself comfortable with something just for me.”
“I’m so confused.” Her head drops to the bed, and it shakes with her sobs.
“Maybe…maybe it’s better if you’re not here right now.”
Her head snaps up and the grief on her face tears me apart. “What?”
“I just think that maybe it’d be better if you went home tonight. Got a good night of sleep. Had a chance to really think things over without me being next to you to sway your decision.”
“Are you…are you breaking up with me?”
“Never. I don’t think I have it in me to end this, Mazie. And I know it sucks to put that on you, but I just can’t do it. So if you can’t come to terms with my job and the realities that involves, then you’ll need to end it with me .” The words burn as they work through my throat and leave a lasting tingle on my tongue.
She stands and bends over me, pressing her lips to mine. The saltiness of her tears infiltrates my taste buds and sends a shot of misery straight to my heart.
“I love you,” she whispers against my lips.
“I love you too.”
As she pulls away from me, she looks around the room, unsure of what to do. I’m sure she knows if she leaves, it might not be so simple to come back. But she has a lot of thinking to do, and this isn’t the place to do it.
My chest is tight as she walks toward the door. While I know it would never be the last time I saw her, I’m worried it might be the last time I see her as my girlfriend. As mine.
When she reaches the door, she gives one last look before she slips out.
And my heart freefalls from my body. My fingers knot in my hair, and I stare at the ceiling, fighting the sting behind my eyes.
It’s then that the nurse comes in, a smile on her face that I try hard to reciprocate.
“Any chance I could get something to help me sleep? Hospitals and all that.” While I’m exhausted, I don’t want any chances of not being able to sleep tonight.
“Of course. I can give you something mild because your pain meds should make you plenty tired. But I’ll check with the doctor about what would be best to help you out.” Adjusting my IVs, she inserts a needle into the tube and presses the plunger.
Warmth courses through my veins and heaviness weighs on my eyelids.
She leaves and I lie here begging for sleep to overtake me when she returns. “I’m just going to add the sleep medicine.”
I nod because I don’t want to open my eyes. I want to stay in the darkness behind my lids so I can forget all of this.
Thankfully, the medicine works quickly, and it doesn’t take long before I fall into a painless oblivion.