27. Chapter 27
Chapter 27
Mazie
T he second I get through the front door of my house, I drop to my knees and scream. Why did this have to happen? Why my life? Haven’t I endured enough? Haven’t the Bakers been through enough?
After allowing myself a minute to break down, I wipe my eyes and my nose and stand, locking the front door and putting everything in its place.
Though I haven’t eaten in hours, I’m not hungry. The only thing I feel is shattering heartbreak.
Without turning on any lights, I walk through the house and climb into bed, not even bothering to change into pajamas. Every cell in my body is exhausted. But I can’t sleep.
Instead, I stare at the ceiling, the day playing through my mind. My heart lurches into my throat and beats erratically, a light sweat breaking out on my forehead.
I could have lost Zach today. I could have lost my brother today. Hell, I could have lost them both today.
From the moment Zach called, it was all I could think about. How was this day going to end and who was I going to lose in the process. Thankfully, I didn’t lose anybody.
Though, I wonder if that’s actually true. Have I lost Zach? He’s still here physically, but has my hesitance, my uncertainty made him question things?
I can’t imagine it wouldn’t. Even if he says he won’t break up with me, will he be different and distant until I pull the plug?
Even though he told me to come home, I shouldn’t have left. What kind of message does that send?
I run a hand through my curls and tug at my roots. Nothing makes sense.
A warm shower sounds nice right about now, and I’m about to get up, when my phone rings. Worry courses through my veins like ice, terrified that it’s the hospital calling to let me know something happened with Zach.
But my brother’s face lights up the screen.
“Eli?”
“Hey, Mae.” His voice is quiet and sullen.
“Everything okay? You at Liv’s?”
“Yeah. I’m here. They’re taking good care of me. Jordanna helps. It’s hard to feel anything but happy around that sweetheart.” There’s always such a lightness in his voice when he talks about her. In so many ways, I feel like Jordanna saved all of us.
“Anything you want to talk about?” There’s a reason he’s calling me late at night.
“Can you just…can you tell Zach thank you for me? Again.”
“I, uh. I’m not at the hospital. Anymore.”
“What? Why the fuck not?” Anger fills the line, and I grit my teeth so I don’t get defensive.
“He wanted me to take some time to figure out if I can handle his job. The fear of losing him any given day he’s on the job.”
“You’ve known he’s a cop for years, Mae. Why the sudden change?” Eli’s taken on a tone I’ve never heard him use with me before. It’s the parental one of disapproval that he’s used with Alina and Liv in years past.
“He could have died today, Eli.”
“Yeah, and so could have I. And in all honesty, without him being there, I probably would have.” My eyes flutter shut and my hand flies to my chest to contain my pounding heart.
“How do I live with knowing that any given day he might not come home?”
“Are you fucking serious right now?” His voice is so loud I have to pull the phone from my ear.
“Why is that not a valid concern?”
“Okay. I’m going to lay this out for you in very plain black and white. And it’s probably going to hurt.” He pauses, and I steel my nerves and emotions. I know Eli doesn’t hold back, but he’s never been cruel.
“You’re being an idiot.”
My breath catches and my eyes fly open. He’s never insulted me before.
“Straight up. You, me, Alina, Liv, of all people should know that it doesn’t matter what you do for a living or where you live. Anything can happen at any time to pull you away from the people you love.”
“I know that. So why would I be with somebody who puts themselves at risk every day?”
“For one, you know it’s not every day. Could it happen any day? Sure. But it’s not every day. Not to mention, if something ever happened to Zach in the line of duty, he’d die being a hero and saving somebody. Like he would have done for me today.”
My breath catches as he so blatantly talks about Zach dying.
“But you know what else I know for certain? That even if Mom and Dad knew how their story would end, they still would have done everything exactly the same.”
“You can’t know that.” The words barely bleed through my lips.
“I do, though. And if you took a moment to think about it, you would too. They were happy , Mae. Maybe they didn’t have every single thing they wanted in life, but they had the four of us and each other and that was enough for them. We were all on solid paths, heading toward bright futures. And while I’m sure they would want more time with us, I know they were proud and wouldn’t change a thing.”
Tears pour from my eyes and drip down my temples, pattering the pillow beneath my head.
“None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, Mae. And while Zach may have a job that puts him at a higher risk than the rest of us, he’s protecting and saving people.”
I glance to the corner of my room and chew my lip, realizing that he’s right and I need to fix things immediately.
“What do I do now? I’m sure he’s mad at me.” I turn my head toward his empty side of the bed and my hand down the comforter.
“I doubt he’s mad. Probably hurt. Just talk to him. But know what you want first. Don’t lead him on more if you really can’t handle it. That’s not fair to either one of you. So make sure you’ve decided.” There’s a gentleness to his tone that I don’t deserve. It’s the one that he uses when he’s giving parental advice. It’s rare that he uses it with me, and one of the last times was when we had a heart to heart on Liv’s porch after I chased Jameson away and nearly ruined my relationship with my sister.
“How do I decide? How do I know for sure?” That’s often the hardest part for me. Being sure of my own thoughts and feelings.
“You have to find a way to be. Or at the very least, you need to make a decision and find a way to live with that. No matter which direction you choose to go.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose and swipe the tears from my face. He’s right. And it’s time I put my big girl panties on and evaluated my life.
“Goodnight, Mae.”
“Eli?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you. I’m happy you’re okay.” I clear my throat before my voice cracks.
“I’m not sure I’m okay quite yet. But I’m alive and that’s something. I love you too.”
The phone clicks off and worry snakes through my mind. I don’t want Eli to suffer with this. I don’t want it to be a thing he harps on.
Thankfully, he’s with Liv.
Everything he said makes sense. I don’t need a lot of time to self-reflect. Because in my heart of hearts, I know exactly how I feel and what I want for my future.