25. Kick It
TWENTY-FIVE
KICK IT
Cade
After a month of non-stop practicing, songwriting, and tour prep—Ol’ Starry has a full tank of gas in her and is all packed up and ready to hit the road. It’s so surreal. I would have never imagined that we’d land a tour as a supporting act so soon after releasing our first EP.
Eager Eyes has been a huge inspiration of ours since we formed as a band. I don’t know about all the other guys, but I’ve been listening to them since high school. Halle loved them back then too. I can’t help but think about all the times we would listen to them in my car going to and from Abbott’s baseball games, our trips to the thrift store, and destination-less night drives.
We were even back on it again, doing all the things we used to do, the things that make me fall harder and harder for her—if it’s even possible to fall any more. It was finally our right time, our destined-to-happen relationship finally falling into place with a kind of ease we’ve never had before. It was (mostly) effortless. But, of course, we fell right back into what we do best: making things difficult.
When Halle told me that she wanted to stay “just friends” for tour, it ruined me. I wanted to fight for us and tell her all of the reasons why she was wrong. Everything that I wanted to say was scrambling in my brain, fighting to be released, but I couldn’t get anything out. In that moment, it set in that it’s getting harder and harder to fight for someone who keeps running away. So, I agreed. I can’t help but still hope that an opportunity will arise for her to change her mind. I don’t know how I could fake it these next few months pretending that I don’t want her to be mine.
We’re all doing our last-minute checks in the garage to make sure we have everything, a routine we’re going to get used to with living from hotel to hotel these next few months. I watch Halle open the few cardboard boxes remaining by the couch, double, triple-checking that they aren’t full of merch. The prep I’ve seen her doing over the last month has been insane. It made me even more impressed with her passion and talent than I already was.
With how long we’re going to be on the road, she got nervous that we could run out of merch. She’s tried to allocate boxes for each show, but also wants to make sure everyone who wants merch will be able to get it. She ended up working out a deal with her screen printers to have an order shipped to one of the hotels part-way through tour. That way, we can have more on-hand once we clear up some space for it in the van.
Right, the van. I’m supposed to be looking to make sure we aren’t missing anything we would need for any van emergencies. I dig my phone out of my pants pocket and pull out the list I have in my notes app to be sure I have it all. First aid kit—check, extra oil—check, spare tire—check, spare key— no check. If that’s all we’re missing, we’ll be out of here in no time.
I keep one of the van keys on my personal keys at all times, but we keep the spare set hanging inside a storage locker over in the corner by the couch. The couch that Halle has now taken a seat on, done with her merch checks and patiently waiting for us to be ready to leave. She just so conveniently happens to be sitting on the side of the couch that is right next to the storage locker—right where I need to go.
I walk over as casually as possible, even though I’m hyper-aware of my movements and anticipating the tension that will inevitably set in once I’m standing so close to her. I feel the heat of her gaze on my skin as I pull the locker open, and then turn my head toward her to catch her eyes with mine. Her cheeks turn a soft pink, and it kills me to do it, but I break our eye contact and turn my attention back to the locker.
I snatch the keys off their hook and toss them up into the air, catching them in my other hand. “Won’t be getting far without these,” I joke, hoping to cut the tension lingering in the air surrounding me and Halle.
“I’ll take those!” Beau throws his hands up, clearly asking for me to toss him the keys.
I hesitate, a little weary because Beau is a notoriously bad driver. But with a long road trip ahead of us to the tour’s starting point of Boise, Idaho, I need to let him take some turns to save the rest of us. I give in and toss them his way. “Thanks, man.”
He walks toward me after catching them and gives me a pat on the shoulder as he passes by and makes his way outside to start up Ol’ Starry.
“Shotgun!” Zack shouts, earning a groan from Logan.
“What’s so bad about getting the back row all to yourself?” Zack asks him.
To himself? What about me? And Hal?—
Right, Halle is going to take her car, which also means one of us was going to ride with her. I should’ve known that “one of us” was always going to be me. My mind gets frantic, overcrowded with the kind of overthinking I’ve become all too familiar with over the last month. Muffled by the noise of my brain, I barely hear Logan mumble something about knowing he’ll get carsick from Beau’s driving.
Guitar, my brain says between jumbled thoughts. Not a half-bad idea. It would be good to have it in her car with me if I’m feeling this way, even if I might only play it here and there whenever we make a pit stop. I will my legs to walk over to the back of the van and grab my acoustic guitar.
I start making my way to put it into Halle’s car when she appears next to me. “Planning to serenade me on our drive?” She tries to tease, but I’m not in the mood for it.
“Something like that,” I mutter and then shut the backseat door a little harder than I meant to. “Sorry,” I add, knowing she had to have noticed the not-so-subtle door slam. I look toward where she had been standing next to me, hoping to meet her eyes, but she’s already gone.
I take a few deep breaths to relax and give myself a small pep-talk before I open the passenger door and climb into my seat. I watch out the driver’s window as the guys take off in the van, and then pull out my phone to keep me company until Halle gets back.
When she opens her door, she immediately starts rambling. “I shut the garage, there’s plenty of water and snacks in the backseat with my suitcase, my phone charger is already plugged in… Why does it feel like I’m missing something?”
“Hey, it’s going to be okay,” I reassure her and see her expression start to lighten. “I’m sure if you are missing something, we can always find you a replacement on the road.”
She responds with a nod and a smile as she hops in her seat and starts the car.
“But, maybe you could use a coffee,” I add.
She rolls her eyes and lets out a short laugh. I can tell the weight has left her shoulders, maybe from my combination of reassuring her while also joking around.
I text Logan to tell him that we’re stopping for coffee real quick before we get on the road to Boise. It’s about an eight hour drive from here—pending traffic and weather—and I’m going to need anything I can get to get through this drive with Halle. Not that I don’t want to be in the car with her, but being in the car alone with her is much different than riding in the van with her.
She parks right on the street in front of the coffee shop. We’re instantly greeted with the smell of fresh coffee, I’m going to miss the Seattle coffee scene these next few months. She orders her usual iced vanilla latte with oat milk and I get a classic cold brew. Before she can whip out her wallet, I’m already handing my card over.
“Thanks,” she says sheepishly, and walks over to sit at a table while we wait.
I nod, and instead of following her, like I typically do, I stand a couple of steps away from the pickup counter and wait for the drinks there. This place isn’t very busy right now, so we’re back in the car in a matter of minutes and on the road.
Usually, silences between us are comfortable, but this is different. The past month has been so different. I’ve been trying to get her out of my mind. Yeah, like that’s ever worked in all the time you’ve known her, Cade . It feels stuffy in here so I roll down my window halfway and stick my face as close to the window as I can. Just breathe . My eyes are closed and I feel the fresh air glide over my face as it rushes past me, my window, and the passenger side of the car until it repeats the process with the next car.
I don’t even notice that nothing’s playing over the speaker until Halle clears her throat and offers me aux.
“I know I’m the driver, but I have to focus on where I’m going, don’t want to get lost. You can choose what we listen to.” She hands over the aux cord, much easier than trying to navigate setting up bluetooth. “Plus, I know I’m going to like whatever you choose.”
“Uh, sure, thanks.” This is the most awkward I’ve ever felt with her and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t act normal around her, because apparently that’s more than friendly, and acting cold and uninterested doesn’t work for me, so trying not to engage with her is my best bet I suppose. But can’t really do that if I’m trapped in a car with only her for hours .
I realize that I haven’t even plugged in my phone or started looking for songs, she’s probably thinking she dodged a bullet by keeping us “just friends”. I check through my playlists but find reasons to not pick any of them. I finally settle and shuffle play through all of my liked songs. With my luck, the first song that plays is The Sound by The 1975.
Three caffeinated hours later, and we’re stopping for gas and a bathroom break. We tried keeping up with Ol’ Starry but we lost them somewhere while crossing the Cascades, so now it really is just me and Halle.
“I’ll pump the gas, you can go ahead to the bathroom,” I tell her, and before I even make it around to the other side, I see her dashing inside the convenience store. I chuckle and get the gas going.
A whole tank of gas later, I move the Jeep around to a parking spot and head inside.
I pick up a big energy drink, some beef jerky, and a party-size bag of chips. Road trip essentials.
I find Halle back at the car and I offer to drive. She responds by simply tossing me her keys and skipping around to the passenger side. This time, Halle takes the aux and immediately queues up One Direction. Maybe there was some gas station magic, but we’re both singing and dancing along and this almost feels like a normal car ride with her.