Chapter 32
RACHEL
Eleven.
That’s how many times I picked up my phone to text Jamie to cancel our date. I was sick, I’d decided. Something contagious, I was sure.
Each time, I’d remind myself that I didn’t want to lie. More to the point, I would not lie. Because if I learned anything during the last few years of my marriage, it was that lying to placate a man never solved the issue. Not really.
No, I never technically lied to Craig. But a lie of omission can be just as harmful, and in the end, not being honest about how unhappy I was hurt me more than it hurt him.
I also really want to get through this little game Justin and I are playing, and there’s only one way to accomplish that.
That’s why I kept the date, and that’s why I’m currently sitting in the passenger seat of Jamie’s truck as he drives toward Copper Crossing.
“I hope you’re okay with steak and seafood.” From the driver’s seat, he hits me with a kind smile. His nicely groomed beard pairs well with his neatly cropped hair. His jeans are definitely not of the work variety, and the sleeves of his pressed black button-down are rolled up, revealing ink on both arms.
My memory of him from the time I bumped into him at the grocery store not all that long ago was spot on—he is one very attractive man.
“I love both, but seafood sounds especially good tonight. Where are we going?” I ask, folding my hands in my lap.
“The Crossing Steakhouse. It’s been forever since I’ve been there. I thought tonight was a good night to fix that.” He gives an almost timid shrug. It’s adorable on such a foreboding man, but it does nothing for me. Not like a certain someone’s charming and ridiculously sexy dimple.
“I haven’t been there in a long time either, so you chose well.”
He gives me a sidelong glance, one brow lifted. “You can probably tell from my dad bod that I like to eat. But just in case, consider this your warning.”
I laugh. “Noted.”
As we approach the road for the farm with the sunflower field, I smile to myself. My sunflowers have wilted, but I saved the seeds in hopes of planting them in my flower garden next year. They may not match the overall vibe, but I don’t mind. My vision is less about aesthetic and more about savoring the memory of that trip.
“I heard your son is playing football this year,” I say. It’d probably do me good to at least try not to think about Justin for the entirety of this date, so Jack seems like a safe topic. Though Justin is the one who told me about him.
“Yep. I’m sure you know about his friend Noah’s accident.”
I nod. “I did. His mom was on the PTA for a while, and believe it or not, I remember both of the boys when they were in elementary school. They were inseparable even back then.”
Jamie’s throat works as he swallows hard. “Yeah. Jack’s had a hard time with it. Playing football is his way of supporting Noah.”
My heart aches at the thought of his son hurting like that. “It’s really sweet. You’ve obviously raised him right.”
“I can’t take all the credit, but yeah… he turned out all right.” He dips his chin proudly.
For a little while in high school, I worked at Tulah’s diner with Jamie’s ex-wife. From that experience alone, I’m sure Jack gets plenty of his heart from her, too.
“Tell me about your kids,” Jamie says.
Sticking with the easy topic, I spend a solid ten minutes telling him about Mason and Emma, and he shares more about Jack and his youngest son, Parker. By the time we pull into The Crossing Steakhouse parking lot, we’ve commiserated about how tough parenting is these days and we’re in agreement that single parenting is not for the faint of heart.
“How’s the coparenting going?” he asks as we walk side by side toward the restaurant’s entrance. “If you feel like sharing, of course. I won’t be offended if you tell me it’s none of my business.”
I smile, genuinely appreciative of Jamie’s candor but also his easygoing attitude. “No, it’s okay. I don’t mind. It’s going okay, I think. No major issues, but it’s only been seven months.”
He holds open the door, and the aroma of delicious food makes my mouth water.
“That’s good. Hopefully it stays that way,” he says as he follows me inside. “I’ve been lucky, too. With Jack and Cece, anyway.” Jamie scratches at the back of his neck and gives me a rueful smile. “It’s a little touchy with Miranda and Parker from time to time, but nothing’s ever perfect.”
Lips pressed together, I peer at him over my shoulder as we approach the hostess stand. “That’s true. Initially, Mason struggled, but the last few months have been a lot easier.” Thanks in part to Justin.
“Jack said Mason worked with Jinx this summer, too.”
I shoot him a pointed look, hold a finger to my lips, and whisper. “We’re not supposed to talk about that. Child labor laws and all that.”
He tips his head back and lets out a rich laugh. “Ah. Forget I mentioned it, then.”
With a shrug, I step to one side and focus on the hostess as she asks whether we’d like a table overlooking the river or something closer to the bar.
“Do you have a preference?” Jamie asks me.
“The river sounds nice.”
Jamie hits me with a kind smile, then turns to the teenage girl behind the podium. “The river it is.”
The hostess leads us to a corner table at the back of the restaurant with a great view of the water. In no time, the sun will set and the view will be even better. Maybe we’ll get to watch the storm that’s predicted to roll in tonight.
Once the waitress takes our drink orders, we peruse the menu and make small talk. He launches into a story about working with Crystal’s husband, Tony, and some of the shenanigans they get into, and I fill him in on how my dad is doing and show him pictures of my older brother and his family.
“I bet it’s been twenty years since the last time I saw FJ.” Jamie grins as he swipes through the images on my phone. “Probably for the best, too. We got into so much shit when we were younger.”
“I bet you did.” My brother was a hell-raiser before he joined the military. Jamie is a couple of years older than him, but FJ was always a little ahead of his time like that.
“How long have he and his wife been together?”
“I think it’ll be fifteen years next month.”
“Damn. That’s a long time.” He hands back my phone. “How long was it for you and Craig?”
That ache that flares every time I’m reminded of the day Craig left me does its thing in response to Jamie’s question, but the pain is duller than it’s ever been. “Twelve years and three days when he told me he wanted a divorce.”
With his brows furrowed, Jamie scoffs. “You’re kidding me. Three days after your anniversary?”
“Yep.” I pop my lips. It’s just one item on a long, long list of shitty things Craig has done over the years. Anymore, though, I realize I shouldn’t have been surprised.
“Cece and I were married for seven.” He shakes his head and fixes his attention on something over my shoulder, a little lost in the thought. Then, “Shit, I’m sorry. I’m sure you don’t want to talk about any of that.”
“It’s okay. It’s natural conversation.” I give him a knowing smile. “We’ve both been through it, so it’s common ground.”
He lets out a long sigh, his shoulders relaxing. “Exactly. Then again, I don’t know what it says about me that I’ve been divorced for ten years, and it still feels like yesterday.”
Hmm. Maybe it’s less about finding common ground between us and more about him needing someone to talk to.
“I don’t mind talking about it,” I admit. “To be honest, the only part about my divorce that came as a surprise was that Craig asked for it. I knew it was coming. I just thought I’d be the one to make the move.”
His brow creases, and there’s a tension in his eyes that looks an awful lot like pain. “Cece was the one who wanted our divorce.”
I remember hearing that. They got pregnant and then married young, and Camille—as far as I know, Jamie is the only one who calls her Cece—ultimately decided she wanted more out of life. It’s a sentiment I know all too well, only I didn’t have the courage to leave.
“Do you mind…” He clears his throat. “Do you mind telling me what went wrong?”
“I think my story is similar to yours. Actually, Camille’s.”
He clasps his hands on top of the table and nods. “I figured. Honestly, that’s why I’d like to hear it. After all these years, I think I finally understand, but I’m sure there are plenty of things I haven’t considered.”
Ten years or not, it’s pretty clear this man isn’t nearly as over the demise of his marriage as he wishes he were. Knowing that adds to the comfort I already feel tonight. This date isn’t leading to anything more. I knew it from the start, but now it’s obvious he knows it, too.
“The short version is that I gave up a lot of myself when I became a wife and a mom. That’s bound to happen to a certain degree, sure. No one ever stays completely the same. But, as cliché as it sounds, it’s like I woke up one day and didn’t recognize the woman looking back at me in the mirror. I saw Mason and Emma’s mom, and Craig’s wife. Rachel had all but disappeared. I had stopped doing nearly every single thing that made me who I was before I got married and had kids.”
Jamie tips his head, his jaw working. “Please don’t take this the wrong way. It’s just a question, I swear.” He lets out a long breath. “You couldn’t get back to being that person once you realized what had happened?”
My heart gives a little pang in my chest. “No.” I shake my head and wring my hands in my lap. “I tried, but it seemed like every attempt to do something for myself was met with confusion or contempt. Why did I suddenly want to go to grad school? Why did I want to travel? Why did it bother me that he didn’t help with things around the house when I never had an issue with it before?” I give a heavy exhale, willing myself to tamp down on my frustration before it boils over. Just the thought of all the arguments Craig and I had over the years is enough to raise my blood pressure. “Some of that was my fault, of course. I lost sight of myself, and it took me a long time to realize it. I allowed and, in some cases, created situations in my marriage that led to resentment and anger.”
Jamie’s cheeks puff out as he blows out a breath. “That sounds a lot like what Cece said when she left.”
My heart goes out to both of them for that. Her then and him now.
“Can I ask how you handled that?” Now it’s my turn to turn the conversation into one that might feel a bit uncomfortable.
He sits back in his chair and shrugs, though his expression is one of pain and remorse. “Not well. I was angry, and I felt betrayed. Like she’d lied to me early on. Even when she tried to explain over and over again that she’d changed—that she’d grown up, actually—it just didn’t make sense to me.”
“But now you see it differently.”
He nods slowly, his attention fixed on me. “So differently. And I feel like an ass for not understanding before. I think she and I could have worked things out if I had been more mature and open-minded myself, but I wasn’t.” He gives a self-deprecating laugh. “I don’t think I’ve ever admitted that to anyone before.”
I smile. “Your secret is safe with me.”
He ducks his head and gives a chuckle. “Yours, too.”
The server appears at our side with a basket of bread, and Jamie digs in.
“Can I butter your biscuit, ma’am?” he teases with a southern accent that makes me giggle.
I pick up my glass of wine and hold it up. “With a twang like that, how can I say no?”
“The shrimp scampiwas so good. Probably the best I’ve ever had.” Pushing away my plate, I let out a contented sigh. “How was your steak?”
“Amazing.” Jamie dabs his mouth with a linen napkin. He’s reaching for his water when our server materializes out of nowhere to clear our empty plates.
“Room for dessert?” she asks cheerily.
“Ha. As if I have room.”
Jamie nods in agreement. “Same here. But thank you.”
“Another drink, then?”
When we both decline at the same time, I can’t help but laugh.
Once the server has excused herself, I angle forward and rest my forearms on the table. “We almost get along too well.”
Jamie leans back in his seat and chuckles. “We do, don’t we?”
Yes, but this is where I have to tell him the truth.
Before I can, though, he clears his throat. “As nice as this has been, I have to be honest.” His brow furrows slightly as he meets my gaze. “I’m not sure I’m in the best headspace right now. And I don’t want to mislead you.”
Reaching across the table, I squeeze his hand. “You have no idea how glad I am to hear that.”
His eyes widen, but there’s more amusement in his expression than surprise. “Damn, girl, just stomp on my ego, why don’t you?”
“Um,” I say, tilting my head and giving him a pointed look, “you’re the one who started the honesty train, sir.”
He chuckles and gives my hand a quick reciprocating squeeze, then fidgets with his napkin on the tabletop. “I know where my hesitation comes from, but what about you? Is it because your divorce isn’t finalized yet?”
“No.” I cross my legs beneath the table and smooth my hands along the tablecloth. “Our final court date is the week after next. It’s just…” How much do I want to tell him? Being honest about my failed marriage is one thing, but discussing my relationship with another man doesn’t feel right. Still, I don’t want to lie. “I think my heart may already belong to someone else.”
Jamie rears back in surprise, his brows jumping into his hairline. “No kidding.”
Nope. And there’s no thinking about it. Justin is my future. The only reason I’m here tonight is to give him some peace of mind, as ridiculous as that seems. This way, he can be certain that he’s the man I want. After this, I have to hope he’ll see that he isn’t a rebound. Rebounds are like bandages for broken hearts. They’re temporary, and they only help us hide our wounds.
Justin, on the other hand, has woven himself inextricably into my life and into my heart. Our bond is permanent, and his presence in my life has done so much more than cover up my emotional wounds. He’s helped me heal. There’s no ripping what he’s done for me away. Not without tearing me apart in the process.
“So, who is this lucky guy?”
I tsk as I pick up my wineglass. “A woman doesn’t share her secrets, Jamie. You know that.”
He continues to grin as he regards me. “Why on earth did you agree to go out with me tonight, then?”
I tilt my head and grin right back. “Why did you ask me?”
His eyes crinkle at the corners. “If I say peer pressure, will you think I’m a pussy?”
“Nope, because then I’d be one, too.” I wink.
The laugh that escapes him echoes around the dining room. “We’re a hot mess, aren’t we?”
“Oh, yeah.” Setting down my empty glass, I sigh. “As enlightening as this evening has been, maybe we should call it a night before this wine catches up to me and I say more than I already have.”
He holds up a hand. “Hey. I already said I wasn’t gonna spill your secrets.”
“Good.” I angle in and whisper. “And I won’t tell anyone you’re still hung up on your ex-wife.”
He gives a light chuckle, and his face heats a little. “I appreciate that.”
After Jamie insists on paying the bill and signs the credit card receipt, we step out into the late August night. It’s warm, and the air is thick with the impending rain. I can’t wait to get home, open my windows, and listen to the storm.
Hand on the small of my back, Jamie leads me toward his truck near the back of the lot.
The breeze kicks up, and I turn my head toward the sky and breathe deep. Justin comes to mind immediately. Will I always think of him like this? I hope so.
Suddenly, Jamie’s steps falter, snapping me out of the moment.
“Hey, man. How’s it going?” he asks, his tone friendly.
I glance at him, then look ahead to see who he’s talking to.
Justin stands before us, arms crossed and feet planted wide on the asphalt. Behind him, his white pickup is parked beside Jamie’s.
Despite Jamie’s question, he doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t shake his hand. He doesn’t even look at him.
No, his fiery blue gaze is locked on me. His nostrils flare and his throat strains as he swallows, but the thick emotion radiating off him isn’t anger. At least, I don’t think it is. He has nothing to be angry about. He told me to do this. He encouraged me.
No, this is fear.
And if I have it right…
There’s a heavy dose of possession there, too.
“You all right, Enders?” Jamie steps forward, genuine concern etching his features. But just as quickly as that expression lands, it disappears. He glances from Justin to me and back again. “Ah. I see.” He barks out a laugh. “You’re the one, huh?”
With his jaw clenched tight, Justin flicks his gaze in Jamie’s direction. “Thanks for taking care of my girl, but I’ll be the one taking her home.”
Oh, he will, will he?
It’s about damn time.