15. FIFTEEN
FIFTEEN
Haley
can you reply, please?? ik ur reading my texts.
She’s mad at me, and she has every right to be. One ignored text turned into ten, and now I’m too embarrassed to reply. I stuff my phone back into my pocket, turning my attention to Finn—who is kneeled down on the ground with his arm out.
Chalupa rubs himself all over my friend for approximately five seconds, before his tail shoots up and he lets out a curious sounding meow. Without another peep he races out of the room, gone as quickly as he came.
“He’s weird,” I say while kicking off my shoes. “What should we watch?” My raggedy old couch huffs when I collapse onto it, keeping a respectable distance from my guest as he joins me.
Getting him here was one thing, but actually having him here is extraordinarily nerve-wracking. How forward is too forward? How awkward is too awkward? I don’t have an answer for either of those questions, but it’s probably at the very least creepy to take notice of his cute green dinosaur socks.
“I like your place,” Finn says with eyes as wide as saucers. He seems super happy to be here, which has to be good. “It’s…” he sinks into the back cushion, “homey.”
“Homey?”
“I’d love living here.”
“You don’t like your house?”
“I didn't say that.”
“Oh.” You’re really fucking this up, huh, Duncan? Hasn’t even been ten minutes and I’m already about to throw myself out the window, not that the fall would do anything but be a minor inconvenience.
“Should we watch something serious, or like… serious—I mean silly! Silly!” Bulky shoulders hunch up anxiously as an adorably embarrassed expression takes hold of him. “Sorry. I… S-So stupid.”
Clicking through the overabundance of streaming services, I sigh and sink into the couch a bit. “What kind of movies do you like? Have you ever seen Halcyon Reach?”
“The one with the scary android guy?”
“Uh-huh.”
Finn's eyes sparkle. “Yeah! Yes! I love that one. I-It’s actually… ugh… It’s one of my favorites. But I guess it’s kind of a weird, um, favorite to have.”
“Not at all!” It’s my turn to get all stupidly excited over something so small. “That’s one of my favorites, too! I thought it was scary, but also kind of sweet?”
“You… thought it was sweet? Even though the android locks Elio away?” My guest isn’t staring at me with judgment or disgust, but rather some form of curiosity. “Can that be sweet?”
Honestly, no. It can’t really be sweet in real life, can it? But sometimes in fiction that stuff is fun. Maybe. I don’t know. Is that bad? I hope it’s not bad. “Uh… Kinda? It’s just a movie.”
“Right. Just a movie.” Finn’s thumbs twirl around one another as he gulps, before giving me his best dog in trouble look. “Can we watch it?”
“You want to?”
“Yeah!” He beams at me. “We both like it, right? So… why not?”
“Yeah.” No way I can say no when he's giving me those eyes. “Why not?”
Halcyon Reach starts and we’re both on opposite ends of the couch. I’m not as bold as I was back at the gas station, I can barely bring myself to look at him let alone cozy up against him. Where did all my confidence go? I kind of need it back.
My attention is focused anywhere but the screen. I’ve seen the film at least a hundred times, I already know how it’s going to end. But how is this thing between Finn and I going to end?
Certainly we’re not just friends anymore. I’m aware of my tendency to get ahead of myself, but the way we act around each other… It’s not like any friend I’ve ever had, that’s for sure.
Do friends normally ogle each other the way we do? Stolen glances and the kind of timidness that can only be found in inexperience? Yeah, I don’t think so. But I can’t be sure, which sucks. What if I ruin the only shot at friendship I have by seeing something that isn’t there?
Only when Finn’s pinky brushes against my own do I realize he’s closed the space between us. It’s not some grand obvious gesture, but it’s so him. Freezing up like a dumbass, it takes me a full minute to make a damn move and let my body rest against his.
Finn’s shoulders hike up in surprise when my head makes contact, and I swear he’s trying to decipher if it’s a trick or something before he lets himself ease down. “That’s… This is o-okay?”
“Is it?”
A wordless hum of agony leaves his lips. “I… I think it is. I’ve never… this is… good.”
“You’re overthinking it,” I say as if I’m not doing the exact same thing. “We’re just two friends. Um… cuddling, and stuff. Friends do that. If… S-So long as it’s alright, with you.”
No, they don’t. Not like this. There’s a level of intimacy here that I’ve never felt before in my entire life. From the way his breathing is uneven to the way my heart is rattling around my chest as though it’s dying to escape its cage, this is a brand new feeling for me.
“Duncan…?” Finn whispers, not daring to move a muscle. “You’re so warm. I really… I know things were tough for you when you came into the, uh, station… but… I-I really am grateful to have met you.”
“It was worth it.” How could it not have been? Meeting someone you fully mesh with is so rare nowadays. “You know, it’s… it’s weird. I honestly never really thought I deserved anything like this. Having a friend, or… Whatever.”
Admitting my little crush right now would be stupid. I’m not sure what I’m feeling exactly, and ruining things now would be so stupid.
“Me neither. So you… you’re like… hah… it’s stupid. You’re special to me. I-I know we’ve only known each other for like… two weeks, but… my life is a lot b-brighter with you in it.”
He’s right, and that’s nearly unfathomable to me. Someone I’ve only just started to know seems to understand me better than people I spent every waking hour with. How does that work? How is it fair, either?
Why did I have to spend so much time suffering and masking only to finally meet someone who gets it when I’m on the verge of giving up entirely? I want to see how this ends, but I don’t know if I have the energy to do so.
I don’t know if I have the energy to do anything anymore. Being with Finn is refreshing in a way I never thought possible, but it’s not a magical cure that fixes my fucked up life. Some geeky little cashier isn’t going to save me. Nobody is going to save me.
Not even myself.
“I’ve always wanted… to have a friend like this,” Finn continues while angling himself to wrap an arm around me.
It’s not nearly as suffocating as I always imagined it would be.
“Someone special. S-Someone… like you. Er, I don’t know.
Maybe that’s c-cheesy, sorry. I just… I-I really…
” His breathing hastens, becoming uneven and panicked. “I really—”
“Hey.” My soft voice sounds unfamiliar leaving my lips. When was the last time I spoke to anyone about things like this? I never had any reason to be gentle. It was always screaming and arguing at my house. “It’s fine. It was sweet, Finn. Thank you.”
Without so much as a peep he pulls me into a tighter—but still not suffocating—hug. “You’re so amazing, Duncan.”
“I’m really not.”
“To me, you are.”
It’s so strangely reassuring that I let my eyes fall shut. Finn is warm and I’ve been tired since I woke up. We don’t have to talk. We don’t need words. Just being in his embrace is enough for now. Whatever this is, we can talk about it in the morning.