39. THIRTY-NINE
THIRTY-NINE
I don’t know how he did it, but the bunny shirt he got me is actually super comfortable. Not only does it fit just the way I like—slightly baggy—but it’s warm, which is a good thing considering the snow outside is getting crazy.
“Hey, bunny?” Finn asks from underneath me, arms wrapped around me tight. The TV is playing but I’m not really paying attention, instead I’m enjoying the warmth of his body and the knit blanket draped over us. “What do you want for Christmas?”
Life has been so horrible that I nearly forgot all about Christmas. It’s funny that I was dreading the thought of being alone, and now in the cruelest gift of all I definitely won’t be.
But I wonder… If I’ve been missing for so long, are people still looking for me?
Finn is a lot of things, but he’s not exactly a mastermind.
I think if someone was trying, they would’ve found me by now.
It hurts to think about how little I meant to everyone in my life, but it doesn’t matter anymore.
“I don’t know.” The question is so ordinary it really does throw me for a loop. “Um… I guess more things to do would be nice? Maybe… internet, if you trust me with it.”
Finn makes a face that tells me that won’t be happening anytime. “I-It’s not that I don’t trust you, I just… W-What if you go through one of your little fits and do something I can’t f-fix?”
Don’t exactly love them being called fits, but I understand—sort of. “That’s… that’s fine. It was stupid, anyway.”
“No!” He sits up a little, hands moving to rest on the curve of my ass. “It wasn’t. I’ll… I’ll see what I can do. O-Okay? I-Is that okay?”
“Of course it’s okay,” I yawn. “Don’t worry too much about it.”
He squirms. “I don’t want you to be unhappy. I-I want to give you everything you want.” Without me even doing anything, he begins nervously tugging at the fabric of my fuzzy navy blue pants. “I want to be a good b-boyfriend… but I've never… I’ve never dated anyone…”
Laughing softly feels cruel, but I can't help myself. “Me neither,” I decide to take the gentle approach with him. It was horribly obvious, but saying that to his face is mean. “But I think.. I mean, I-I guess you are a good… boyfriend.”
Boyfriend. The word is so unfamiliar on my tongue, and it comes out in a whisper. It’s something forbidden. Something that was never supposed to happen. Meant to live on in my wildest dreams.
But right here in front of me is the man who is apparently mine. He’s mine. All mine. I never considered myself the possessive type, but I do have to admit that I love the way that sounds.
My parents would hate this. They’d hate every part of it. From the way he’s always grabbing me, to the way he kisses me, and even the way he looks at me. God, it would make them sick. Now I wish they could see.
“I am?”
“You love me a lot. That’s… a pretty big part of it, I think. I mean… I don’t know. I’ve never had one. What is it supposed to feel like?”
Kissing my cheek, Finn's touch is almost supernatural. “I think it’s supposed to be like this. When I think about being apart from you, I just want to d-die. I don’t… Life without you isn’t worth living.”
As intense as that is, it makes me feel all warm. To be loved so unabashedly is freeing in a way I can’t make sense of. This should feel suffocating, but instead it makes me feel so very special and so very wanted. It’s what I’ve needed my whole life.
“Things would be weird without you.” Nerves get the better of me as I hide my face in his chest. I hate talking about this kind of thing. Haley always tried to get into deep convos with me and I never wanted any part of it. “I don’t know…”
Finn hums thoughtfully. “I think that without me, y-you wouldn’t… uh… be here.”
“Well, duh—”
“No, like…” his fingers sink into my skin, “alive…”
My eyebrows raise in surprise. Can I see where he’s coming from? Yes. Did I expect it? No. “I… I mean…”
“The night we met… Y-You were crying. I remember.”
“...You noticed that?”
He offers me a weak smile. “Of course. You were so sad, but you still… you still stepped in to make me feel better. It meant so much to me.”
“It just felt like I had nothing to lose,” I admit sheepishly. “It’s not… I’m not usually so brave. It wasn’t some heroic gesture.”
“That’s what makes it special, though. You did it for me. It wasn’t fate or anything stupid. It was… a connection.”
Not once had I ever thought about it that way.
It had always been some stupid, reckless thing I did at the lowest point of my life.
But what if he’s right? What if it really was some special connection?
What if everything that happened in my life led me to him?
It’s honestly a scary thought, but it makes sense. Things happen for a reason.
Even bad things.
My legs might hurt, but my heart feels full. It’s funny how that works. Any explanation I have would sound psychotic. I know I’m stupid. I’m the dumbest person on the whole planet to fall for the man who did this to me.
But it’s not like he’s some crazy masked freak from a shitty horror movie. He’s a real person, and an insecure one at that. I guess I’m making excuses, but I just… I’m not upset anymore. Not really.
Should I be? I don’t see why I should. Life has been whizzing by lately and holding on to things only makes them hurt more. Life is about forgiving and forgetting. Except my parents. I’ll never forgive my parents.
They don’t deserve anything, especially not my forgiveness.