40. FORTY
FORTY
“Stay still, okay?” Love and affection shines through in Finn’s quiet rasp. The sun has barely risen yet here he is, kneeled down and wrapping up my legs with gauze. “You need to be very careful, okay? You can’t… Y-You can’t force yourself. You’ll make it worse.”
Physical therapy is a key part of recovery, and I’ve already been lacking in that regard. The bed feels so much bigger when I’m plopped down in the center of it, waiting for Finn to leave because I’m embarrassed.
Once I hear the door close, I’m set. Instead of staring up at the photos of myself I’d rather shut my eyes. The focus is simple: mobility exercises. It’s too early to put any weight or anything on them, but Finn was going on and on about my limbs going stiff.
I take one singular breath before trying to lift it slowly. Big fucking mistake. The pain is nothing I’ve felt before—fire tearing through my blood and veins. Gritting my teeth, I throw my head back.
This is what I was scared of. What I kept in the back of my head. What if it’s been too long? What if the muscles are all fucked and it will never heal? The person who did this to me is right outside the door, and I should hate him.
But I don’t. Of course I don’t. I sound like a damn loser when I say that he apologized, but he did apologize. There’s a difference between saying your sorry and meaning it—and I truly believe he meant it when he said it.
With another heavy breath I lift my leg one more time, going as slow as possible. It moves barely a centimeter, but that’s better than nothing. It’s so hard. Nothing about this is fun. Do I even need to do this? Finn’ll take care of me.
Something about that thought rubs me the wrong way. He would love it if I became super dependent on him, wouldn’t he? …Yet in spite of knowing that, I’m not fully against it. I must be the sickest person on the planet to want it. Nobody is more disgusting than I am.
I don’t want to be better. I want to be his forever.
“Finn…?” I call without shouting, only for the door to immediately open. Silly boy was standing on the other side waiting for me, wasn’t he? When he lifts me up I feel like I’m in heaven again.
His embrace is the safest place in the world. Nothing will hurt me when he’s around, since he’d sooner get himself killed. Looking up at him, I can’t help the little smile that sprawls across my face.
Finn notices all too quickly, smirking at me. “W-What?”
“Nothing,” I avert my gaze as my cheeks go hot. “Just… thank you.”
“For what?”
“...Taking care of me.”
His expression softens. “I have to. It’s… I-It’s my fault. I know that…” There’s a pause before he gently sets me down on the couch. “I wish I didn’t do it. I really wish…”
Finn sniffles, our eyes meeting. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Duncan. You didn’t deserve it. I wish I wasn’t such a f-freaking psycho… I don’t even…” The air between us stills as he takes a big breath. “What could you possibly see in me? I-I’m a monster, I… I hurt you…”
“You’re not a monster.” Isn’t he? No. He can’t be. Why would I fall in love with a monster? “You were just scared. You… You didn’t want to lose me.”
“I never want to lose you,” he whimpers as he crawls onto the cushions next to me. Curling up like a docile cat, Finn’s head gently rests on my thighs. My fingers instinctively move to scritch and scratch at his scalp. “You’re my everything, bunny.”
Smiling, my attention shifts over to the window. The snow is so pretty right now. “You’re my everything too, Finn.” Isn’t that what he wanted? Surely he had to know it would come eventually.
“Yeah…” He sounds happy, at least. “You know… everyone who’s ever really known me has called me…
that word… T-That word the guy called me.
My parents… the people at school…” Finn gently leans back, eyes gleaming with adoration.
“But never you. Not you, Duncan. You make me feel so special. E-Even when we’re just doing things like this. ”
“It’s an ugly word.”
Finn chuckles humorlessly. “Yeah. It’s really ugly… But my dad loved it. I-I swear I never went a day without hearing it.”
“I get it.” For once, I really do get it. “Mine loved calling me a fag. I listened to music he didn’t like? I was a faggot. I cooked with my mom in the kitchen? Yep, just a stupid fag. No matter what I did, I was a dirty little queer in his eyes.”
The anger that comes over me is so suffocating, like I’m being smoked out by my own flames. “Fuck him. Fuck both of them. I’d rather be myself than pretend for people who won’t ever truly care about me.”
With a happy vocalization Finn hugs me, being careful not to bump my legs too much. “You’re so strong. You don’t even realize it, either. If I was like you, maybe I wouldn’t be so…”
“Don’t finish that,” I say as I push him back. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“There’s a lot wrong with me.” Finn admits with a breathy exhale, yet the happiness on his face makes my mind fog up like a drug I can’t quit. “But it doesn’t m-matter. Because you love me regardless, and I love you.”
Before I get the chance to respond he’s pouncing on me, pressing me down flat against the couch as he begins to explore my body. “G-God… you’re so fucking perfect…”
“Finn—”
“I’m sorry…” He whimpers while rutting himself against me. “You don’t know… Y-You don’t understand… Whenever I close my eyes to fantasize about anything, all I can see is you. All I want is you.”
With a pout and big doe eyes, he raises one hand up to gently push a loose strand of hair out of my face. “After breakfast, can I… C-Can we…?” The words aren’t even out yet and he’s already blushing. “Can I please… fuck you?”
“You… want to?” Of course he does. It’s a stupid question I can’t help myself from asking. “I-I’ve never…”
“Please take… take my v-virginity, Duncan.” He’s practically salivating at the very thought, offering it up to me so shamelessly. “I want you to have it… No one else deserves it.”
Imagining anyone else in my situation is funny. No one else but me could be into this. I’m beginning to come to terms with the fact everything I was told about myself ended up being true. But so what? Who cares? It’s my life, and I’ll choose how I want to live it.