45. FORTY-FIVE
FORTY-FIVE
Sun reflects against the thick blanket of snow that covers the woods surrounding Finn’s house entirely. In a way it reminds me of myself, because the moment Finn’s boots make contact with it—it flattens into nothing as though it was devoid of any substance to begin with.
He’s giving me the world’s comfiest piggyback ride, and I know for a fact he wouldn’t dare to drop me. Plus, Finn is so warm, and the pale brown fur of his green coat is so nice against my skin. The sweatpants he gave me are super baggy and comfy too, like I used to wear back home.
“We’re here,” Finn says before setting me down on some cushy outdoor chair. Despite the fact I’m still in a sort of sleepy haze, it's hard not to notice the wooden shed amidst the trees and the ridiculously cute seating area next to it.
Fairy lights are strung about from every wiry branch, with an elevated wooden platform holding an off-white loveseat and a dull beige carpet. To top it all off there’s a proper roof over the entire thing, and a space heater nestled into the corner of it all.
“This is…” No words follow as I stare in awe. Has he really been working on this the whole time? “You… you did this all on your own?”
Kneeling down in front of me, Finn smiles while holding onto the handles of my chair to box me in. He leans in close, kissing my cheek.
“All for you. I want you to… I want you to be able to be happy, even if life isn’t the exact same.
I’m even going to put a screen here,” he motions to the empty side of the platform, “so that we can come at night and watch stuff. I… Using all the tools and stuff was sort of new to me at first. Dad always said I’d take my own eye out.
But… I-I didn’t. I didn’t fucking d-do that. ”
Nodding eagerly, the blood that rushes to my cheeks heats me up better than any scarf ever could. “You didn’t. See how wrong your dad was?”
Finn chuckles, but his heart isn’t in it. “The shed was his. F-Fucking asshole can rot in there, for all I care.”
“He’s not around anymore,” I remind him. “Don’t let him ruin what you have now. What we have now.”
“Yeah.” Gloved hands wrap around my own, and I know he’s not trembling because it’s cold. “Us. What we have. I-I love you, Duncan.”
“I love you, too, my precious boy.” I chirp while leaning in to plant a kiss on his red-stained cheek.
Winter air is nipping at both of us, but it looks cute on him.
This looks cute on him. The soft, eager-to-please nerdy guy who happens to be capable of building.
Not the terrifying “please love me” Finn from what feels like forever ago.
Hoisting me up, Finn stares at me with soft eyes. “You really… You're so amazing, bunny. You’re strong, and sweet, and… B-Before I met you, life was horrible. Every day felt the same and I swore I just wanted it to end, but with you… I-I never want it to end.”
“Finn—”
“H-Hold on,” he sniffles as we drop down onto the couch. Despite how tightly he’s holding me, he makes a point to be careful with my legs.
It’s not as if they hurt as much as they did before, they sort of feel… numb—and in some ways I’m sure that’s worse than pain. The exercises didn’t do all that much. I don’t really know. I’m not a doctor. I know walking isn’t something I can do anymore.
Which I think Finn enjoys, even if he won’t admit it.
“Everyone always made me feel like I was just some worthless fucking idiot taking up space in the corner. But you don’t make me feel that way. You’ve n-never made me feel that way.” His gaze finds its way to my legs. “Even when I deserved it… even when you really c-could’ve… you didn’t… you…”
Finn’s voice breaks, and the hug he gives me is so crushing I can barely breathe. Yet I allow myself to melt into him, nuzzling against him like the disgustingly touch starved freak I am.
“Don’t cry…” Every sob makes my heart shatter a little bit more.
He’s so hurt. All his life has been nothing but hurt.
Does it excuse the things he’s done? No, not at all.
Of course not. But it does enough to tug at every shred of empathy I have.
“It’s okay, Finn. It’s… we both know it isn’t normal, but… I… I love you, okay?”
He whimpers, burying his face in my chest. “You shouldn’t. I-I know you shouldn’t. I’m so lucky to have you in my life, and… I don’t wanna mess it up. I’m so scared to mess it up, because I always mess everything up. I already did, didn’t I? Didn’t I just scare you into loving me.”
“That’s not possible,” I chuckle weakly. “We’re past that, Finn. Everything that’s happened… if I was still afraid of you, we wouldn’t be here right now.”
“...You mean it?”
“Finn.”
The laugh he lets out is so sweet I genuinely want to fucking explode. It’s easy to forget about the needle and the collar when he giggles so softly as if the whole damn mess never occurred in the first place.
Leaves rustle overhead as the wind picks up. Finn sniffles one last time, before kissing my chin affectionately. “Let’s head back in, bunny. I don’t want you to get sick.”
My face is once again nestled against the soft fur of his jacket, and I think I might let myself fall asleep. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I’m safe here. Safer than I’ve ever been, really.