Chapter 11
I stand in a lonely corner of the Winthrop estate, my eyes scanning around the vast living room filled with people in mourning. A testament to how loved Violet was. Or is. It’s jarring to see everyone dressed in black, only driving the stake further into my heart that Violet is truly gone. The funeral was exactly what she would’ve wanted. Short, sweet, and to the point. There was no bullshitting with Violet, and I loved her for it.
“Can I get you something to drink, D?” Wyatt asks, squeezing my shoulder with a soft smile. The corner of my lip turns up slightly before I reply, “Sure, Wy. I’ll take a glass of the Pinot. Thanks.” He nods and walks past me. I keep my eyes fixed on Audrey as she stands at the front of the house, giving hugs to all the guests, offering their condolences. She avoided me for the entire funeral, rightfully so. She’s avoiding me now.
“I’m done, Donovan. Stay away from me, I mean it.”
I take a deep inhale as her words from last night ring in my ears. Every piece of my heart shattered the moment I drove away from her. I deserved her anger. I deserved her reaction. I didn’t think I could stop myself the moment we kissed. The way her body fit against mine like she’s the missing piece to the broken puzzle of my soul. She told me to stay away, but I need to explain myself. I need her to know how sorry I am. I feel a dull thud in my temples, frustration building inside of me. The gravity between Audrey and me is too strong. I can’t avoid it if I tried. I feel myself being pulled into her orbit, one foot trailing in front of the other.
Wyatt steps in front of me, offering my glass of wine with a swirl. I grasp it, immediately missing Audrey’s pull. He glances over his shoulder, his eyes locking on Audrey before bringing them back to mine. “So, what’s going on between you two?” he probes, lifting his eyebrow as he sips his wine. I shake my head and take a generous sip. “I fucked up. Again.” My chest clenches at the sight of Audrey over Wyatt’s shoulder. Her smile is one of grief, the kind that you put on when you feel numb inside. I know the feeling. God, I just wanna hold her, tell her everything is going to be okay.
Even with swollen eyes from crying, I’m in awe of her beauty. My gaze snaps back to Wyatt, who is about to say something when our father approaches us. Wyatt flits his eyes between Dad and me. “Um, I’m gonna make sure Kerry isn’t eating all the deviled eggs,” he says awkwardly before walking away. My eyes roll slightly at his exit, leaving us alone to make awkward conversation.
“Hi, Son. How are you holding up?” my father asks, his hands buried in his pockets while he uncomfortably sways back and forth on his heels. I sigh. “I’m fine, Dad.” He shifts his gaze slightly toward Audrey, deep in conversation with Mrs. Dickson. He clears his throat before bringing his attention back to me.
“I, uh… I noticed that you’ve been avoiding Audrey. Is…everything okay?” he drawls. Jesus, why does he have to make this so awkward? Since when does he care about Audrey? Since when does he care about whether I talk to her? My jaw ticks at his probing, heat flaring under a dress shirt that’s too starchy and uncomfortable as it is.
I chug the rest of my wine, swirling it in my mouth before I swallow. “Yeah, well, she won’t talk to me,” I clip. “And you made fucking sure of that, didn’t you?”
My dad gives me a pained look, like I’d just snapped his olive branch in half. When I look at him, all I see is anger and hurt for what he did to me. What he did to Audrey and me. I recall my conversation with Wyatt yesterday morning, briefly tearing my gaze away from my dad.
“I just don’t want our family to drift further apart. Please, Donovan. Make it right? Talk to Dad?”
How can I make it right when he has everything to do with the last ten years of pain and heartache? I glimpse at Audrey, trailing her with my eyes as she slips out the side door.
“Excuse me,” I grumble curtly as I push past my dad, clipping his shoulder. I place my empty wineglass on a table nearby and make a beeline toward the door. My hand freezes as I grip the knob, taking a deep breath before I turn it.
Audrey stands with her back to me, her long black dress draped perfectly on her body, shifting in the wind. Her head turns to the side when she hears me approaching, her eyes quickly retreating toward the rolling green hills that show off in front of us.
I stop a few feet behind her to give her space. Her arms cross over her chest as she looks into the distance. I’ve never heard silence this loud. The energy between us is deafening, begging to be disturbed and shaken. Every ounce of control I have threatens to leave me as my body is screaming to reach out for her. She looks to the side again, hiding her face from me.
“What do you want, Donovan?” she asks. Her voice is small. Hurt. I take a hesitant step and fill the space next to her. Her eyes shift back toward the valley, glimmering in the sun. She’s been crying—I wonder if any of those tears fell today because of me.
I pause, my gaze locked on her beautiful face. “I want to explain what happened between us, Audrey. I want to apologize,” I say in a hushed tone.
Please look at me?
Audrey sighs, closing her eyes before turning to face me. I swear the air leaves my lungs the second her eyes meet mine. God, I can’t fuck this up again.
“It was a long time ago, Donovan. Look,” she says, keeping her arms over her chest. “I’m sorry for what I said last night. I was very drunk, and it was a mistake. I shouldn’t have asked you to kiss me. I’m sorry.”
“I’m not,” I reply gently. “I’m not sorry that I kissed you. But I am sorry for the last ten years. I?—”
“Donovan, please,” she interrupts, putting her hand up to keep me from talking. She averts her gaze, tears welling up in her eyes. I want to reach out to brush them away, but I don’t. “I don’t need your apology, okay? We were just kids. It didn’t mean anything.”
“Audrey, it meant everything to me. Let me just?—”
“Donovan, no.” She cuts me off, a tear slipping down her cheek. “I just lost my gran,” she chokes. “There’s nothing anyone can do to change the past. So please, can we stop trying?” Her eyes are full of sorrow. The grief of Violet, the grief of us. Guilt coils in my chest, knowing I’m causing her more heartache than she deserves. Today of all days. She takes a deep inhale, uncrossing her arms to wipe the tears that I so desperately want to wipe for her.
“It’s fine, Donovan. Okay? We can move on.”
“Well, what if I don’t want to move on?” I interject. The words rush out before I can contain them.
Damn it, Donovan. She told you to stop.
She scoffs, her fingers threading through her hair.
“You can’t tell me that there still isn’t something between us. The second we saw each other, you knew it wasn’t over.” Her lip quivers as she puts her hands by her side. I’m stupid enough to reach out and grab her hand, lacing her fingers through mine, placing it over my heart. I’ll take the risk. She chokes out a cry as I take a step closer, squeezing her hand tightly against my chest.
“Tell me, Audrey. Are you happy in New York? Are you happy with him?” I ask breathlessly. “Because I see you. I see it in your eyes. They’re so beautiful, but broken.” I swallow the hard lump in my throat.
She clenches her jaw, failing to stifle the soft sobs that escape her. I cup my hands around her face, swiping the tears with my thumbs. Her hands rest on my chest, my heart beating beneath her palms.
“Stay. Please stay with me. Don’t go back,” I whisper, resting my forehead on hers. My insides flutter at the thought of Audrey staying. We’d have another chance, another go at this. A real shot. I look into her eyes and witness a battle in them. They flit back and forth between mine, her brows knitted with worry and doubt.
Please say yes. Stay with me.
“I can’t,” she murmurs, closing her eyes as thick droplets cascade down her cheekbone. “I have to go back. I need to go back.” She gently grips my wrists, pulling them away from her face. She takes a step back and turns around, her hand covering her forehead. I crave her warmth, my body turning frigid the second she walks away.
She turns to face me with distance between us now, her hands on her waist. “It’s too late, Donovan. I have to go back.”
“You really want to go back to him? After last night, you really?—”
“Yes, Donovan! I’m going back to him!” she cries, raising her voice which booms through my chest. My heart drops into my stomach, feeling the distance between us stretch for miles and miles—I can no longer reach her.
“I’m not doing this with you again. I already told you, last night was a mistake. I need to go,” she sobs, turning on her heel, leaving me standing alone in the backyard. I watch her disappear inside, tears streaking down her face. I clutch my chest, pacing the backyard as I try to catch my breath. I’m hit with a violent storm of grief, bringing me to my knees.
Flashes of me sitting in my dad’s office the morning after graduation play in my mind. The betrayal, the hurt, the anger I felt. His words haunt me, taunting me, slow and torturous.
“Donovan, you must end it. If you don’t, your future will be ruined.”
My hands fall to the grass below me as my vision blurs, unwanted tears welling in the brims of my eyes. I grip the soft blades in my fingers and squeeze, willing the painful memory to leave me.
I hear a door shut and whip my head up to see my dad standing in the doorway. I quickly stand to my feet, my breaths ragged. The hurt is too much, swelling my heart into a painful ache that I can’t escape. My dad slowly walks toward me, looking ironically like a father who cares about his son. He’s the last person I want to see right now. And he’s about to get caught in the middle of my storm.
“This is all your fault,” I grit, quickly approaching him. “She left because of you. You did this!” I shout, pressing my index into his chest. The rage boils in my blood, pumping through me and pulsing in every vein. My dad lifts his hands in surrender, slowly backing away. “Son, let’s calm down and talk.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down,” I seethe, my face just inches from his. I breathe like a bull through my nose, huffing hard, as if I’m ready to charge straight through him. Wyatt and Kerry slip through the door with hurried steps, rushing toward my dad and me in a standoff. Wyatt places a gentle hand on my shoulder, but my eyes stay fixed on my dad. I don’t miss the hurt in his eyes. The sadness that dances in his irises.
“Hey, brother. Let’s go inside. Come on,” Wyatt pleads softly, tugging my arm back. Kerry stands by my dad, his hand placed on his shoulder. “Dad, give him some space,” Kerry tells him. I shrug Wyatt off of me, storming my way out of the gate toward my truck. I need to get out of here.
“Donovan, wait!” Wyatt calls after me, nipping at my heels. I fix my gaze forward. Away from my dad. Away from Audrey. “Not now, Wy. I gotta get the fuck out of here,” I clip, unlatching the gate, pushing my way through it. Wyatt’s steps halt, and I trudge my feet back to my truck, wading through years of anger and resentment. The weight on my heart hangs heavier, knowing that Audrey is choosing a life in New York. With him.
I fumble with my keys in my pocket, hands trembling as I unlock the front door. As soon as I slam it shut, my head drops into my hands. “Fuck!” I yell at the top of my lungs, slamming my fists on the steering wheel. My head falls back against the headrest, tears spilling involuntarily.
I look toward the front porch of the Winthrop estate, seeing a ghost of my eighteen-year-old self sitting in a chair with Noah and Violet. The summer Audrey left for New York, I sat on that front porch as a broken kid every chance I got when I’d come home from college on the weekends. Violet would make me lemonade, and they’d sit and listen to me grieve for Audrey. The guilt consumed me, but never once did they judge me.
Violet would embrace me in her arms, stroking the back of my head. “Oh, my sweet boy. Don’t worry. It will pass,” she’d say. The days I couldn’t look my father in the eye, I’d come running to Noah and Violet.
I tear my eyes away from the porch, jolting me out of the memory. I start the truck, slowly making my way down the winding driveway. My jaw clenches as I hold back the tears, watching my future with Audrey once again fade away in my rearview mirror.
“Yes, Donovan! I’m going back to him!”
I flinch at her admission, sending a sharp pain in my gut. Of course she’s choosing him. What have I done to prove to her I deserve her? All I’ve done was cause her pain. Pain I wish I could desperately take away.
Losing Audrey once nearly broke me. Losing her again might just finish the job.