Chapter 17
Donovan drops me off, leaving me standing in front of the garage at Pop’s house. I lift the handle to slide the door up, and my chin nearly hits the floor.
It’s my Jeep Wrangler, Jules. It felt right to name my first car when I was sixteen. She was old when I got her, now she’s a bona fide antique. Still beautiful, though. I walk around and inspect her, seeing that nothing has changed. There are still little scuffs and tiny dents in the white paint, giving her a lived-in personality, like a fine patina. I open the hood and note the new engine. Nice. Walking around to the driver’s side door, I glimpse a picture of me and Tia on the dash from the day I got my license.
The happiest memories flood my brain of Tia and me driving through the hills, singing at the top of our lungs. I smile at the thought and raise my phone up to take a selfie in front of the Jeep. I text the picture to Tia.
Audrey
Look who is back in business, baby!
Tia
Holy shit! Is that Jules?! The O.G. Jules?! And wait, you’re home?!
A pang of guilt hits my chest, realizing that I’ve kept Tia in the dark about me leaving New York. She knew about Kellan, but not the details. She knew I wasn’t happy, and she insisted on me flying down to Austin to visit her, but I never did. I’d been a shit friend, but she always stood by my side all these years.
Audrey
Yeah, I’m home. It’s a lot to explain. I’ll have to call later, but yes. It’s Jules back to life.
Tia
As long as you’re okay, babe. Take that baby out for a ride! She needs to spread her legs!
Audrey
I don’t think that’s the saying lol. I miss you.
Tia
Bitch, I miss you more. Call me anytime. Love you.
Audrey
Love you too.
I hover over Donovan’s name to send him a text.
Audrey
Donovan, did you do this?
Donovan
With Noah’s permission. Surprise Mouse. Enjoy it. I love you.
Audrey
Thank you. I love it baby.
Donovan
Check the center console.
I lean over the driver’s seat to open the console, pulling out an aerosol can. I rotate it to examine the label. Pepper Spray. I chuckle, putting the spray back inside, tucking it away safely.
Audrey
Let’s hope I never have to use that.
Donovan
Let’s hope you never do. But, if you do, use it.
The keys are in the ignition and I take them out and put them in my pocket, making my way to the front porch steps.
My heart is palpitating through my ears; I feel nauseous. We just lost Gran. I can hardly bear to load Pop’s plate with more sadness. I imagine the look on his face when I tell him; will he be disappointed? Donovan told me all Pop wants is to see me safe—and I am safe. I’m no longer in the hands of an abuser. I am home, where my family is. Where Donovan is.
I take a deep breath and let myself in, yelling out for my grandfather in the foyer. “Pop? It’s me! I’m home!” I smile at the word home, and Donovan’s face comes to my mind. I walk into the large living room and see Pop peek out from the other side of the house.
“There’s my girl! Oh, come here, kid,” he bellows, his voice filled with the familiar warmth that wraps around me like my favorite blanket. I hurry my steps toward him and thud into his chest. His chuckles give way to an amused grunt on impact as he returns the hug, kissing my hair. “It’s good to have you back, sweetheart. Man, I’ve missed ya.”
I squeeze him tighter and inhale the scent of his signature Carhart jacket swirled with cinnamon and his favorite Earl Grey tea.
“Did you see your surprise in the garage?” he beams, looking down at me with his kind, brown eyes.
“Yes. It’s amazing. I’d never thought she’d run again,” I reply, his smile big and bright.
“Donovan did all the work. He just asked me to keep quiet.” I break our embrace as I put my hands on my hips.
“Wait, so he did this after I left the weekend of Gran’s funeral?”
“Mhmm. In case you came home,” he says softly, shrugging his shoulders up and down.
I give myself a quiet moment, pacing back and forth in the living room. My eyes stay fixed on the scruff marks that are scored into the wood floors as I process the intense flood of emotion that comes over me.
“Honey, let’s sit on the porch. It’s a gorgeous day,” he says softly, inadvertently knocking me out of my head. I smile sweetly and nod as he guides me out to the porch.
“You want something to drink? I’ve got a great Sauvignon Blanc that we just bottled a few weeks ago. It’s featured on our tasting menu this summer,” he beams.
“I’ll have a glass if you’re having one?”
He smiles and goes into the kitchen while I settle myself on a chair that looks out over the large oak trees and miles of rolling hills. The sun is high in the sky, and I sit back and close my eyes, letting peace wash over me for the first time in a long time.
My eyes shoot open when I hear Pop approaching with the clinking of two glasses and a chilled bottle of wine.
He pours us each a glass and sets it on the table that separates us as he takes a seat next to me. “Cheers, Pop. Love you,” I say, tipping my glass toward him for a clink.
“Cheers, kid. So,” he pauses, savoring the taste of the wine. “How are you?”
I take a sip and the crisp taste of alcohol and floral notes hit my tongue. Damn, that’s good. I take a second to reply, swirling the wine in my glass.
“I’m better now. I’m sorry I haven’t stopped by the last few weeks since I’ve been home. I’m sure Donovan had his reasons considering my…state.” I try to choose my words carefully, because I don’t want my grandfather to worry about me too much or even pity me.
He takes a sip and holds out his hand to me. I place my hand in his and feel the years of hard work on his calloused palm.
“He didn’t tell me everything, but he told me you were gonna be okay. And that was enough for me. I know that boy loves you. He has for a long time,” he confesses with a crinkle in his eye.
“I’m okay, Pop. I wasn’t for a while, but today, I’m better than okay,” I sigh with a smile on my lips.
His eyes get teary and he looks out into the distance.
“I’m sorry, Audrey. I should’ve been there for you when you were hurting. I…I had a feeling, but I didn’t want to push you away,” he whispers, looking down at his feet. “I can’t help but feel that part of this is my fault.” His voice trembles. My eyes grow wide at his words and I put my wineglass down. I walk over to my grandfather and kneel next to his chair, holding his hands in mine.
“Pop, what happened to me had nothing to do with you. You have always been there for me. You took care of me when my dad couldn’t.” My lip quivers as I look into the eyes of the man who always had my back, who loves me unconditionally. “You supported me through every endeavor I wanted to pursue, like dance team and chess club—and I sucked at both.” He lets out a laugh and I do the same, a tear slipping from the corner of my eye. I take a deep breath, summoning every bit of courage in my body to share what I do next.
“He hurt me. Kellan hurt me. It didn’t start that way. I thought I was in love, but over time, he broke me down,” I murmur, taking a deep breath before continuing.
“It started with small things, like encouraging me to dye my hair because he preferred it to my natural color. I didn’t see it, but he was grooming me.” My voice breaks and I suck in a sharp inhale to keep going.
“He would say he needed me, that he couldn’t bear for me to be away from him. He used emotional manipulation to keep me in the palm of his hand, and I let him,” I mutter. I take another deep breath to spew out the hardest confession.
“The physical abuse started around five years ago.”
He lifts a hand to squeeze his eyes shut and scrubs his fingers over his face in disbelief.
“Five years? Five years you endured that? I should’ve been there for you,” he chokes out a sob, and I scoot closer to him, squeezing his hands tighter.
“Pop, it was my fault. I was so ashamed of the situation I got myself in. I didn’t want you and Gran to see me that way. I couldn’t leave him, no matter how hard I tried. He always had me coming back,” I spoke softly. Each confession lifts another weight off my shoulders, even though it’s painful to admit.
His eyes search for the sun, squinting as tears flow from his eyes.
“Hey, look at me, Pop,” I whisper, craning my head to meet his gaze. “I’m okay now. Donovan…he saved my life,” I choke out. It’s a powerful thing to say out loud.
“Each day I feel stronger, Pop. I’m here for a new beginning. The dreams I tucked away to forget? I believe in them again. That’s because of you, Pop. You always believed in me,” I cry out, and he picks me up off my knees and pulls me in for an embrace. He breathes in my hair and stifles his sobs. I pull back and kiss him on the cheek, resting my head in his lap as he strokes my hair, just like he did when I was little.
“Tell me about your dreams, kid.”
Taking Jules out to spread her legs, per Tia’s advice, makes me feel sixteen again. I love this car. The windowless soft top invites the cool breeze, my hair flying wild as I zoom down the road. It’s summer in Oakwood Valley, the best time of the year. The sun is high in the sky, not one cloud in sight. Cut grass and soil simmer in the air, plus the occasional waft of freshly baked bread and espresso as I make my way down Main.
I see a bachelorette group taking a selfie on the sidewalk in front of the hottest bar in town, Siren’s Flask. Kerry’s best friend, Jackson, owns the place. Gran loved it there. Donovan told me that Gran would crash their boys nights, taking shots and having endless conversations with them all night. God, I wish I was there for all of that.
But I’m here now and I need to get a new phone. I focused my attention these last few weeks on healing my body and letting Donovan heal my soul, but it’s time to close the door on Kellan once and for all. Since Briggs let us know that Kellan was released the morning after the incident, an unsettling ache has sat in the pit of my stomach. A mere slap on the wrist for nearly killing me. I’ll feel safer once I get a new phone and a new number. Fresh start.
Thankfully, Oakwood Valley has a T-Mobile store and I don’t have to go further out of town to take care of my business. I pull into a parking spot as my phone vibrates in my purse.
Donovan
Hey baby. I need you to stop somewhere before you come back to Noah’s house tonight.
Audrey
Sure, what do you need?
Donovan
Stop by Lavender Lane Boutique after you get your new phone. It’s right by T-Mobile. Go to the front desk and ask for Isabel. She’ll have something waiting for you.
Audrey
Another surprise? You’re killing me. But okay, I’ll deal with it for you.
Donovan
It’s worth it, I promise. I love you.
I’m able to get all of my contacts transferred to my new phone, plus a brand new number. But if all my contacts were transferred that means…
Kellan’s number is still here.
I type his name in the contact search, holding the wrist that holds my phone with my free hand to keep it from trembling.
My breathing tattered, I hover my thumb over the Delete Contact button. I wish I could press this button and it would delete the last nine years. From the moment he asked me to get coffee with that glint in his eye or when he asked me to move in with him. Or when he told me he loved me for the first time. I blink away the lone tear that slips from the corner of my eye and tap my thumb to the screen.
Delete.
I let out the breath that was lodged in my chest, releasing years of anger and anguish from my body. My fingers fist the roots of my hair as I stare blankly at the screen where Kellan’s name used to live. Gone from my phone, gone from my heart, and gone from my life. Is this grief? This doesn’t feel like when I lost Gran, or the grief of years missed with my mother. This…this is different. Kellan made promises to me he couldn’t keep. He kept an open palm, a strong grip, and a closed fist instead of those promises. The promise to love me. To protect me.
No. This is anger.
I shove out the unwanted feeling of grief. He doesn’t deserve my grief. He doesn’t deserve me.
“Ma’am, everything okay?” The store employee’s voice cuts through my thoughts as I snap my eyes to him. He gives me a soft smile, and I give him one in return. “Yeah, sorry. New phone is weird to get used to. Thanks,” I stutter, waving my phone as I thin my lips.
I glance out the store window mindlessly and do a double-take when something catches my eye. I squint to focus, kitting my brows together.
Why is that guy staring at me?
No, that’s not right. I’m in my head. I avert my gaze, staring at the blank screen of my phone, my eyes peeking up beneath my lashes to see a man dressed in a black jacket and jeans peering through the window. Sunglasses cover his eyes, and his face is hard to make out from the slight tint of the window. If he’s a customer, he would’ve just walked in. Why is he looking at me? Panic quickly rises in my chest, but I push it back down with a huff of my breath. I flick my eyes back toward him, aggravated, and give him a hard stare.
Yeah, I see you.
My heart is racing and I feel my fingers tingle as he walks out of view. I take a second, but I move my feet and swing open the door to look in the direction he is walking. I see him turn a sharp corner and debate whether I should go after him.
Yup. I’m going after him.
Adrenaline surges through my veins as I quicken my pace to close the distance between us. Who does this guy think he is? I turn the corner that leads down an alley between the flower shop and the boutique. I see him get into a black SUV and drive off the back roads around Main.
“Fuck,” I mutter. What the fuck? Am I paranoid? I put my hand over my chest and feel the heavy thump of my heart. This dark, sinking feeling sits in my stomach and I suddenly feel sick. I run into the alley to get out of view from bystanders and retch, but nothing comes out. A tear escapes my eye and suddenly I’m back in Kellan’s emotional hold. This is what he’s done to me. His parting gift.
He haunts my thoughts. I try to picture Donovan. All I see is my body lifeless and Kellan’s hands around my neck. I shut my eyes and shake my head, begging for my brain to stop this spiral.
Take a deep breath, count backward from five.
A vision of Kellan’s whiskey eyes and the curl of his lip pulse around me, taking over from the inside out like a filthy parasite I can’t escape.
Don’t fucking let him in. He doesn’t control you anymore.
My fingers shake as I find Donovan’s name and start a new text thread.
Audrey
Hey baby. Here’s my new number.
Donovan
Who is this? ;-)
I laugh under my breath and instantly feel better. He always knows how to make me smile.
Audrey
It’s the love of your life. On my way to Lavender Lane now.
Donovan
Can’t wait to see you later, love of my life. This wine tasting group is wild btw. A bunch of old ladies drunk off one flight. Imagine eight Mrs. Dicksons. They’ve already asked me to take selfies with them. One of them touched my ass.
Audrey
lol. What can I say? The ladies love you.
Donovan
Jealous, Mouse?
Audrey
Very.
Donovan
Don’t worry. There’s only one woman for me.
The darkness that was sitting in my gut dissipates. I take a deep breath and walk the few feet to Lavender Lane Boutique, shaking off whatever the fuck just happened. I won’t worry about it right now. I have a night with my man to look forward to.
The bell dings above the door as I walk into the cutest little boutique. This place wasn’t here when I was growing up; it must have opened for business while I was away. The walls are lavender, hence the name, and dainty gold fixtures accent the space. The clothes are absolutely gorgeous, very Napa Valley chic. I hear shuffling underneath the one cash register. I stalk closer and spy a pair of adorable heels peeking out from behind the desk.
“Hello?” I ask.
“Oh, shit,” she whispers. I let out a giggle. A beautiful brunette woman emerges from under the desk, and I take a second to make out her face. My eyes get wide when I realize who it is.
“Oh my god! I should’ve known when Donovan said Isabel!” Isabel Whitt, a friend from high school, comes out from behind the desk and gives me a tight squeeze. Her hair smells like lavender and citrus. I always envied her for being in Donovan’s close group of friends. She was always kind to me, so it’s nice to run into a friendly face.
“Audrey Winthrop, as I live and breathe. Wow, you are more stunning than I remember, babe.” She takes hold of my hands and looks me up and down. “Are you home for good?” she asks, flipping her perfectly waved hair over her shoulder.
“Yup, I am,” I reply, shrugging my shoulders. She smiles and goes back behind the desk.
“Welcome home, babe. You like the digs? I opened about six years ago when I moved back after college. You know I went to fashion school?” she beams, her big blue eyes twinkle beneath the chandelier above us.
“Yeah, I knew that! And look at you.” I take in her outfit—a crocheted halter with a pair of high-waisted flares and strappy wedges. I envy that kind of confidence. “Look at this place! It’s amazing. Congrats,” I chirp. She flashes her perfect white teeth in a bright grin.
“Thanks, girl. Oh, by the way. I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother. She was one classy lady.”
I give her a weak smile. “Aw, thanks Isabel. She really was,” I say softly.
“I was bummed to miss out on her happy hour celebration while I was out of town, but I heard it was a real hit.” I think back to my drunk self, throwing myself at Donovan, then yelling at him to go away forever. A grin tugs at the corner of my lips, thinking about where we are now compared to that night.
“Yeah, it was a lot of fun. She would’ve loved it,” I beam at her, and she mirrors me.
“Okay, now to the goods,” she squeals with excitement. She reaches down below the desk, pulling out a large white box with a silk lavender ribbon. I rest my hands on the counter and run my fingers along the silk.
“Let me just say I’ve never seen Donovan more smitten. He came in last week and I swear that man had literal hearts in his eyes. I knew you guys would get together eventually. Ugh. You two are so cute, I can’t. Anyway, here’s this too,” she rambles, causing my cheeks to flame bright pink as she hands me an envelope. I turn it over and see Mouse written on the front. She notices my expression and gives me a soft smile.
“You should’ve seen the way he looked at you in high school, babe. It was adorable,” she drawls, waggling her eyebrows.
“Really? I never noticed,” I say softly, but curiosity gets a hold of me. “Did he ever say anything?” I feel like a giddy schoolgirl.
“Girl, you were all he ever talked about. We would sit at the lunch table and he would literally stare at you from across the room,” she gushes, like we are in middle school talking about our crushes. “But look at you two now. He finally got his dream girl, as Donovan would say,” she giggles, mocking Donovan’s tone.
“He called me that?” I blush. Isabel furrows her brow playfully and crosses her arms.
“He’s been saying it since we were freshman. I don’t blame him, though. Look at you,” she whistles, causing a fit of laughter between us.
“I’m gonna step in the back and do some inventory. Please come back and shop now that you live here. It was so great to see you, Audrey.” She comes around the desk and gives me a tight squeeze before rushing into the back.
I slip the envelope under the box’s silk ribbon and tuck the package under my arm for the walk back to my car. Settling into the driver’s seat, I place the box to the side and gently pry the card from the envelope.
Mouse,
I saw this in the store and thought it should belong to you. I hope you like it. Love,
D
I let out a quiet squeal and pull the box in my lap, undoing the lavender silk ribbon around it. I open the top and remove the tissue paper, revealing the most beautiful dress.
“Oh my god,” I whisper as I lift the dress by its straps, my mouth agape. It’s almost identical to the dress I wore on graduation night. A beautiful ivory fabric with thin straps and a sweetheart neckline. The straps in the back crisscross, just like I remember. I hug it to my chest and let the sweet memory of that night flood my senses.
Is this man even real?
I put the dress back in the box and make my way back to Pop’s house to get ready. I can’t wait to see Donovan’s face when he sees me in this. He picked this for me because it made him think of me. He didn’t pick it to control me or tell me what to wear. He chose this dress because he saw me in it. It’s a reminder of who the real me is. I’m beautiful. I’m spirited. I’m free.
He sees that in me, and in turn, I see it in myself.