Chapter 30
I approach the black iron gate, gravel crunching beneath my tires. My muscle memory kicks in as I make the familiar turns around the cemetery. A right at the big willow, a left at the water fountain with an angel perched on top, another left at the gold-roofed mausoleum, a right at the wooden bench.
I used to come here almost every day after James passed. I’d sit for hours talking to him about school, sports, and girls. Well, one girl in particular.
I pull off to the side of the gravel road and park my truck, grabbing the bottle of Coke from the cupholder. I take a quick glance around and notice I’m alone today. Usually there are one or two people nearby sitting by their loved one’s headstones having quiet, one-sided conversations. Today, it’s just me and James.
I wish Audrey were with me. We should be together right now. This is the longest we’ve gone without talking. I watched her drive away yesterday morning and haven’t heard from her since.
Work was a blur. My mind and heart weren’t in it. It took everything in me not to drive up to her cottage, knock on her door, and sweep her off her feet, begging for her to come home to me. She needed space, and I promised I’d give her that. I also promised not to go behind her back, but I did anyway. How could she trust me again after that? I take a deep breath and trek my way to James, hoping my big brother can bring me solace.
I spot his headstone in the distance and tread carefully around the other graves, making sure I don’t step on any. Approaching his headstone gives me pause—it always does. I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to seeing my brother’s name inscribed with a glossy finish on a cold, hard stone. I squat down in front of it, gently running my hands across the text.
In Loving Memory of James Caleb King
Loving Son, Brother, and Friend
June 4th, 1994 – August 8th, 2012
“Hey, big bear. Happy thirtieth birthday,” I whisper, carefully picking the overgrown grass gathering at the base of his grave.
“Here you go, old man. I brought your favorite. It was the last one, too. I had to bribe some kid for it. Lost ten bucks,” I chuckle, placing the glass bottle on his grave, like an offering.
Mom rarely let us drink soda growing up, but when she did, James insisted that he only drink Coke from a glass bottle. He said it tasted better, that it was the only way to drink it. We used to sit at the edge of the river after a long day of fishing and drink our Cokes from the bottle. It was just us two, sitting in silence, enjoying the sound of flowing water and each other’s company.
I lower myself onto my bottom, picking my knees up and looping my arms around them. I take a moment and read his name over and over, like if I read it enough times, I can will him back into existence.
“Sorry I haven’t visited in a while. The winery has been doing really well, the vineyard too.” I look up at the sky and squint when I catch a sun ray in my eye. A few clouds float along, and I try to stare long enough to see if I can spot James in them.
“I went to Sunday dinner. It was…nice. Dad wasn’t a total prick, and we all got too drunk, which made Mom kind of mad,” I chuckle, quickly clenching my jaw when a wave of grief hits me. I stare hard at his death date. “Wish you were there...” I take a long pause between my conversations with him, imagining what his words would be if he were here to reply. I play his dialogue in my head and mask his voice over my thoughts.
“What is it with you and Dad?” “You’re both stubborn as hell.” “You need to shave.” “What are you benching these days?” “Find yourself a nice woman yet?”
“So, I wanted to talk to you about someone. Well, not just someone. It’s Audrey Winthrop.” I fidget with my thumbs, feeling a little embarrassed for getting nervous in front of my brother’s tombstone. The corners of my lips tug upward when I imagine James hitting my shoulder and giving me shit about being in love.
“I know I’ve talked to you about her before. I mean, she’s the only girl I’ve ever really told you about.” I wish he could see us now and really get to know Audrey. He would absolutely love her. I swallow the lump in my throat and sit up straighter.
“I love her, big bear. She’s the one. Always has been. And I don’t know how or why or what I did to deserve it, but somehow, she loves me too.” I close my eyes and imagine him and me sitting at the riverbank, his arm draped across my shoulder.
It’s been twelve years, and I still see his face so clearly in my mind. The scar across his eyebrow from when a fishing hook got caught in it when we were kids, his chocolate brown hair matching mine, and the dimples that only he and I share.
“She’s had it rough for a long time.” My fists clench when a flash of Kellan pops into my mind. I shove it away quickly, not wanting to bring his face into this place. “And she was hurt. He fucking hurt her, James. He fucking tried to kill h—” My voice breaks, angry tears brim my eyes. I rub my eyes on my sleeve, staring off into the rolling valleys ahead. For a place so beautiful, a part of its beauty will never be whole since James died.
“But I fucked up, James. I betrayed her trust again. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I did the one thing that she asked me not to do…” I murmur, resting my chin on top of my knee.
“Now, she won’t talk to me. She left my place to go stay at her cottage. She said she needs space, but how the fuck am I supposed to protect her if she pushes me away?” I stare harder at his tombstone, begging him to speak to me. I’d do anything to hear his voice.
“I’m not giving up on her. On us. I won’t lose her a second time. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
Even though she doesn’t want to see me right now, I’m not letting her go. Audrey is fire and lightning, hot to the touch and hard to catch. But somehow, I was the lucky bastard to catch her. Hell, I’ve been burned in the process, but it’s worth it.
Every. Fucking. Time.
“I’m gonna ask her to marry me. Maybe not today or tomorrow. But one day, I’m gonna make her my wife.”
I pull the ring box out of my pocket and flip open the top. It’s a simple oval cut diamond with a rose gold band. The afternoon sun glimmers against its facets, my heart aflutter imagining Audrey’s delicate ring finger marked with my promise.
I bring back my gaze to his name, taking a deep inhale of fresh-cut grass. “We have a long way to go, but I want forever with her. If you were here, I’d want you to be my best man.” My voice cracks as I let the tears fall. I grieve for my big brother. We should be celebrating with beers at Siren’s Flask, a barbecue at Mom and Dad’s, fishing with Wyatt and Kerry. Instead, I sit here while he’s six feet under, wondering if he can even hear me.
I close the ring box and shove it back into my pocket. “I miss you. We all miss you,” I whisper, pushing myself up to stand. I brush the grass off my jeans and kiss the top of his tombstone. I look up at the sky, imagining his face in the clouds.
“I love you, big bear. Until I see you again. Happy birthday.” I graze my fingers one last time across his name, and turn on my heel toward my truck. I halt in my tracks when I see a familiar car parked behind mine.
“Dad?”
I see my dad round the hood of his car, his eyes lock on mine. I move toward him and meet him at the edge of the grass.
“Hey, son.”
“Hey, Dad. I thought you would have come this morning…” I trail off, surprised to see him here without the rest of my family.
“Uh, no. Your mother and brothers did, but I wanted to come alone. I’m sorry, I can leave and let you—” I shake my head and wave my hand in the air.
“No, it’s okay. Stay. I was just leaving,” I reply curtly, reaching into my pocket to grab my keys.
“Donovan, wait. Can we talk?” he asks, his jaw clenching as his hard eyes stare at me. I guess we’re doing this.
James, you sly bastard.
I nod and motion at the bench nearby for us to sit. We sit a foot apart, staring at the giant oak tree that stands before us.
“You know, when your brother was five, he climbed so high in a tree just like that one.” He points in front of us, squinting his eyes as the sun peeks through the leaves. “We almost had to call the fire department because he refused to come down,” he chuckles under his breath. A smile tugs at my lips, thinking of a five-year-old James giving my parents hell. His hands clasp together in his lap, admiring the giant oak that probably has many stories to tell.
“Really? I don’t remember that,” I murmur, willing my memory to jumpstart.
“You were with Logan’s family that day getting ice cream while your mother and I bribed James with a new toy.” A sad smile forms, his eyes sad too. We both sit in silence for a moment. The only sounds that surround us are songbirds in the trees and the breeze weaving through a set of chimes hanging nearby.
“Donovan, I’m sorry,” he whispers, his gaze finally meeting mine. I don’t know what to say. The words get stuck in my throat as I try to talk. I grind my molars, looking out toward the oak tree. Before I can speak, he holds his hand up to continue. My eyes flit back to his.
“Son, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything. After we lost your brother, I…” His eyes well up and his voice shakes. He composes himself before finishing his thought. “I didn’t know how to handle my grief. I took it out on you, and I couldn’t look at you for months because you look just like him. It killed me, son,” he cries softly. His eyes shimmer in the late afternoon sun. When I look in his gaze, I see a brokenness that mirrors mine. Two sides of the same coin. Two people fighting grief who took it out on each other.
“I should’ve been there for you. I should’ve fought harder for you and for our family when Duke started threatening blackmail,” he chokes out. Now I’m the one who puts my hand up to say my piece.
“Dad, you were trying to protect me, and now that I’m older, I get it. After being with Audrey, I realized everything that happened…happened. Nothing can change the past.” I pause and glance toward James’s tombstone. “I was angry with you for so long, but not because you took a deal with Duke and made me break it off with Audrey…” My voice is shaky and I feel the sting under my eyes of unexpected tears. What does Audrey always say?
Take a deep breath, count backward from five.
“I was angry with you because I needed you. I needed my dad, and you shut me out. When all that shit happened with the tape, I knew you were trying to protect me and our image. But I didn’t care about any of those things, Dad,” I cry out, my tears flowing faster, letting the years of anger fade with each confession.
“All I cared about was you. I only ever wanted to make you proud. You seemed so ashamed of me, and after James died, I only wanted my dad.” My hands cover my face and I let the rest of the anger fall away, being closer to forgiveness than I have ever been. My dad walks in front of me and grabs my shoulders to stand me up, pulling me into the warm embrace I’ve needed for a long time. The moment our arms wrap around each other, I swear I feel James hugging us, too.
“I’m so sorry, son. You’re right. I wasn’t there for you. I was selfish, and I was wrong to put so much on you. Please, forgive me, Donovan,” he pleads, holding my collar so tight it crinkles my shirt.
“Of course I forgive you, Dad. Do you forgive me?” I ask, squeezing my eyes shut to coax out the last of my tears. He pulls me back from the hug and smiles.
“Yes, son. I love you.”
“Love you too.”
We step back and chuckle, wiping our eyes. A huge weight lifts off of my shoulders. I’m ready to move on and start over with him, rebuild the relationship that we never got to have.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I hold a finger up to my dad to check it. My heart squeezes the second I see a text from Audrey on my screen.
Audrey
Donovan, I’m so sorry. Please come to the cottage. Something’s not right.
The air exits my lungs all at once. Every muscle in my body tenses to attention. My dad’s eyes draw wide in response to my impeding panic.
“Donovan? What’s wrong?” he asks, his eyes frantically scanning me up and down.
“Audrey needs me. Something is wrong. I need to go.” He looks over my shoulder at James’s tombstone and back at me. He nods, his brows furrowing with determination.
“I’ll go with you.” He grips my shoulder, his gaze softening for just a moment.
“What about James?” I ask, looking back at his tombstone.
“You’re here, son. Right now. I’m coming with you,” he reassures me, pulling my shoulders in for another hug. I gotta get used to this affection from him, but I’ll admit…it’s nice. We pull back and he kisses my cheek.
“Thanks, Dad. Follow me, okay?”
“Okay, Son.”
We hastily jog to the front of our vehicles, and before I slide in, I give James’s grave a final glance and a nod. I fire up the engine, seeing my dad in the rearview mirror. He gives me a thumbs up and I speed my way out of the cemetery with my dad in tow. I whip out my phone to send Audrey a text.
Donovan
I’m on my way, Mouse. Hang tight. I love you.
Before I can hit send, my screen lights up with Chief Harper’s name. My heart beats faster, anticipating whatever I’m about to hear on the other line. I silently pray before picking up his call.
Please don’t tell me it’s Audrey. Please don’t tell me it’s Audrey.
“Hey Chief, what’s going on?” I answer, steely.
“Donovan, we’ve got an ID on the black SUV. One of my patrol cars clocked it on the way out of town not yet an hour ago, matching the same description from the footage. Ran its plates.”
My stomach feels like it’s in my throat, my body tingling with adrenaline. A cold sweat forms on my brow, and I briefly take my hand off the wheel to wipe it away. I pause before answering, glancing back at my dad, who is still following close behind.
“And?” I ask, bracing myself for what I’m about to hear.
Please don’t be Kellan. Please don’t be Kellan.
“It’s Ted Winthrop.”