Chapter 19
Practice is horrible. I laugh to myself as I flit across the rink. I didn’t go into any of the transitions we’ve been working on within my new choreography well. And speaking of the choreography, I forgot half of it, and my favorite snack bar was sold out at the store this morning.
But hey, you win some, you lose some, isn’t that what they say? My win some is that I’m not completely beating myself up for the train wreck that was me on the ice today. Slowly, I’m accepting some days are just simply bad days, and they too shall pass.
“We’ll get it tomorrow.” Coach Peters smiles at me.
“Yeah, hopefully. Sorry about today.”
“It’s ok, Julian, remember it happens. It’s a new program, you’ll get it down.”
“Thank you, Coach, I’ll definitely do better tomorrow.” I sigh.
He pats my arm before heading off. I walk over to the bench area and start packing up. I told Liam I’d come over today after practice, and to be honest, it sounds nice. I think I need it. Wow, look at me, a life outside of skating.
The chilled air meets my skin as I exit the arena. The weather has definitely gotten brisk over the weeks since I’ve arrived, the season fully changing.
I can’t believe I’ve been here for as long as I have.
I feel like I have a life here now, more so even than at home.
I don’t really have any friends there or anyone waiting for me besides my parents.
It feels odd to think about. I wonder how I’ll feel when it’s time for me to leave.
I wonder if the life I made here will remember me when I’m gone. I chuckle to myself.
Liam and Kevin live not too far from the flower shop, so it was pretty easy to find.
I walk up to the door. The house suits them so well.
There’s flowers hanging from the archway of their porch, and Liam has all the seasonal decor lingering around.
I ring the bell, and he answers in a split second, almost like he was waiting for me.
“I brought wine,” I say, holding the bottle up.
“Thank you! Now, get in here!” He says, grabbing me and pulling me inside.
“Well, just kidnap me, I suppose.” I laugh.
Their home is beautiful and so very Liam and Kevin just like the outside. There’s stems of flowers in buckets around the foyer where I take my shoes off. I follow Liam into the living room. Kevin is there watching sports news.
“Hey, Julian! You made it! How was practice?” He asks, without breaking eye contact with the screen.
“It was shit.” I deadpan, walking over to the couch and taking a seat.
“Damn, sorry. There’s always tomorrow.” He says.
“Yeah.” I chuckle, and he pats my shoulder.
“Well, maybe some cookies will make you feel better!” Liam yells from the kitchen, where he ran off to after depositing me here.
He comes out with a plate full of pumpkin-shaped cookies, and I hope it’s just a shape because I don’t think I like pumpkin flavor very much.
Americans seem to love it though. Carson says it’s because they’ve been brainwashed into thinking it’s delicious as opposed to sweet potato, and we laughed so hard over his silly theory.
“They’re chocolate chip! Have some.” Liam exclaims, nudging them toward me.
“A chocolate chip pumpkin-shaped cookie.” I laugh, taking a bite out of the one he hands me. They’re pretty good. I definitely prefer chocolate chip of all the cookie flavors. I suppose you can say I like the classics.
Keep it simple.
“Don’t think too much about it.” Liam laughs.
We all sit around and watch TV for a while before they’re talking about hockey and Carson’s team.
They’re doing pretty well this season, and he says they’re expected to make it to the playoffs?
I’m still learning about how everything goes.
We’ve been exchanging information with each other about our respective sports slowly, though it’s nice not to talk about work for both of us.
Carson does sometimes joke that we should do pairs skating after our little date.
I can definitely imagine him lifting me, but not in that way.
I laugh to myself.
“What’s so funny?” Liam says, munching on his cookie.
“Nothing. Just thinking about something.”
“Something sexy?” Liam wiggles his brows.
“Have you ever noticed how horny your husband is?” I ask Kevin.
“Oh, you have no idea.” He chuckles, and I laugh.
“I don’t know why you’d even ask him that.” Liam gets up and goes back into the kitchen, bringing out some wine for us. He sets the glasses down, and I take a sip.
Kevin is so engrossed in the TV where they’re still talking about the team; I guess they’re talking about Avery. I don’t really yet know how the trading process goes, but I suppose it was a big deal in the hockey world.
“That’s gotta be awkward,” Kevin says suddenly, breaking away from the screen and taking a sip of his wine.
“What?” I say.
“Them playing on the same team. Avery Wilson and Carson Young.” He says, shaking his head.
“What do you mean?” I ask, sitting up straight and tilting my head.
“It’s cause they dated.” Liam chimes in, excitedly. My throat goes dry, and I bite my lip.
Avery and Carson…Dated?
He never mentioned it.
“They dated..?” I mumble.
“Yup, we all went to the same uni, they played there together. They were pretty wild too. So many hot rumors about them. I think they played juniors together or something too.” Liam chuckles. Hot rumors? What exactly does that mean? I’m definitely going to be sick.
And of course, not only has he known Carson longer than me, but he’s literally his ex-boyfriend. Now looking back on us meeting at the gala, I felt so on edge, and I couldn’t really pin down why. But why didn’t Carson tell me?
“They dated for a while too. First, it was just hearsay, but they made it official at one point. Then they broke up when they went to pros.” Kevin adds, and I go completely silent. I feel like those cookies might come back up soon. I try to take another sip of my wine to keep them down.
Liam looks over at me. I wish I could disappear or let the floor open up and eat me alive.
“You ok, Julian?” He frowns.
“Oh, I um. Yeah.” I bite my lip hard enough to make myself bleed.
I feel embarrassed for what? I don’t know.
It’s not like he lied to me; he just simply didn’t tell me at all.
And does he really have to? They’re not dating anymore.
We’re not even dating. But I still feel upset hearing this through someone other than Carson himself.
“Julian, can you help with something in the kitchen?” Liam asks suddenly, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Sure.”
We’re not even in the kitchen for a full twenty seconds before Liam turns to me and pins me with a stare.
“It’s Carson, isn’t it?” He asks.
“What are you talking about?” I fold my arms.
“Your guy!” He yelps but catches himself.
“It’s not.” I deny it. Maybe I wouldn’t have about ten minutes ago. I would’ve probably proudly admitted it, maybe even bragged about it a little.
“It is,” he retorts, “and you didn’t know about Avery….I’m sorry.”
“He didn’t tell me. And he introduced me to him at the gala.
” I sigh, giving in. I need a friend right now.
And there’s no point in me denying it. I swear, Liam could’ve been a fortune teller in his past life.
Nothing gets past him. Sometimes it’s a little annoying for someone like me.
I need to be able to hide, and I seem to be attracting people who let me do the opposite at this stage in my life.
“The one he invited you to!?” His voice getting higher.
“Yeah.”
“Maybe there’s a good reason he didn’t tell you,” Liam says, pinching his brows in thought.
“And what would that be?” I deadpan.
“You’re right, I don’t know.”
“But I can tell you, they haven’t dated in a while, Julian,” Liam says, and I know he’s trying to make me feel better, but it’s not working.
“Yeah, but they seem pretty close still! Laughing and joking together at their practices. I just thought maybe they play a lot of games against each other or something. I didn’t know that was his ex!
” I blurt out, and I’m trying not to completely fall apart.
But I feel close to vomiting not only my wine but everything I want to say.
“Maybe you should talk to him about it?” Liam suggests, worry all over his face.
“And why should I do that? He didn’t talk to me about anything.” I clench my fists, my shock turning into irritation just thinking back on it.
“Julian, just give him a chance to explain first, and then you can decide how you feel about it.” He says, and I know he’s right, but I’m still so upset. He had so many chances to mention this to me, and he just didn’t.
And Avery’s so pretty and tall and not a virgin, and they’ve been playing the same sport together forever. Ugh. Would it have really changed anything though? I wonder if I would still feel insecure and upset. I mean, I think the blow would have definitely been softer, no?
“You’re right. But I guess I just feel betrayed. I don’t know if that’s the word for it.”
“I totally understand what you mean.”
“We didn’t really know each other, but we had a mutual friend, and he seems like a good guy. I don’t think he’d hurt you on purpose.”
“You guys had a mutual friend?” I ask, trying to distract myself from the main topic here because I’m getting emotionally exhausted thinking about it.
“Oh yeah, Kelly! We were in the same major and queer collective club, so we became sorta close.” He says, pouring me another glass of wine. I walk over to the marble counter and take a seat in the chair.
“What is it you guys say? Small world?” I laugh.
“Yeah. She’s cool.” Liam smiles.
Carson has told me a bit more about her; she sounds like quite the socialite.
He says she moved back to New York soon after graduating from their university.
They try to see each other often. The town we’re in being pretty close to the city definitely helps, but Carson’s hockey schedule, not so much.
Hopefully, I get to meet her before I go.
“Hey Julian, just talk to him, ok?” Liam says, quieting my thoughts.
“I’ll think about it,” I roll my eyes.
“Well, just don’t run off to Korea again.” He says, both of us laughing.
It’s definitely a possibility, knowing me, but I’ve been trying to get better. It’s always my first reaction. To just disappear and go back into myself; facing anything is so much harder than running away to the ice for me. I feel myself wanting to revert to my old ways.
“So, how’d your sexting go with your sexy hockey captain! I always thought he was fucking yummy at uni, don’t tell Kevin.” He squeals.
“Liam, now is not the time!” I scoff, and we fill the kitchen with laughter, lightening the mood even if just for a bit.
That’s what I love about him.