Chapter 20
The walk to the rink feels so much longer and colder today.
Wind brushes against my face as I round the corner of the last block before the building comes into view.
I still haven’t confronted Carson about Avery.
After leaving Liam and Kevin’s house that day, I just went back to my flat, and I had an internal crisis for about twelve straight hours.
Sometimes I come to the rink early, and I see the two of them chatting.
I know they obviously have to talk because, well, they’re on the same team.
That wouldn’t work if they didn’t. Would it?
But it still pisses me off.
It’s mostly because he still hasn’t said anything about it at all.
I went down an entire rabbit hole in my mind, creating scenarios where they’re secretly rekindling, and that’s why he didn’t tell me. But I know that isn’t fair, and Liam is right, I need to talk to him.
But what if his explanation isn’t good enough for me?
I’m scared to know.
The team is already done with their allotted practice time when I get to the ice. I walk through the hall, past the gym room, the boys are loud even from out here. Carson is going to wait for me to finish up my practice today so we can head home together.
I’ve been trying my best not to make it awkward, and I suppose it’s been working because we just chit-chat as we normally would on our car rides home.
I can’t tell if that annoys me even more, though.
Every time we interact, it’s like I’m giving him another chance to tell me, wishing he would on his own. I feel like it’s what Carson would do.
Then again, would I really know what Carson would do? Avery would probably know better what he would and wouldn’t do, I’m sure.
My bag drops to the bench of the locker room with a loud thud.
Everything about them being together is just grating on my nerves.
I do something I know I probably shouldn’t.
Carson not mentioning anything about them and their past, mixed with me seeing them happily interact, is too much.
I’m shaking with anger every time I think about it.
I walk into the gym where he’s working out with some of the other teammates who decided to stay behind. Avery being one of them. And of course him and Carson are huddled by the weights, chatting about something. I come around to them, Carson’s hoodie in hand.
“Here, you left this at my place,” I say, pushing it out towards him.
“Oh? You didn’t have to…” Carson says, his face a little flushed. I’m sure he’s thinking about what I did with it the other night, and that fills me with a quick sense of satisfaction.
But when I look over to Avery, his brows are raised for a bit before he schools his expression back into coolness. That just sends me right back into a state of annoyance. I’m not sure who I’m seeking a reaction from here: Carson or Avery.
Maybe it’s both of them.
“You still have that old thing?” Avery chuckles. Old thing? Oh, so has he given it to Avery as well? I could’ve been wearing a hoodie of Carson’s that Avery also once wore. How horrible would that be? I’m trying very hard not to let my face go red, thinking about it.
“Uh, yeah..It’s a nice hoodie.” Carson says, grabbing it from me and tilting his head a bit.
“Yeah, it is. I was thinking about keeping it.” I say, “You could have.” Carson mumbles, furrowing his brows a bit at me.
Avery is just standing beside us, observing what’s turned into quite an awkward exchange.
I swear I feel like he’s trying not to laugh.
I’m not even sure what I was trying to achieve anymore.
But I feel like a dog trying to piss on his territory, and that makes me kind of embarrassed now that I’ve done it.
We’re not even together. I don’t even know if we will be together. It’s exactly because of situations like this. I should be on the ice right now, and here I am humiliating myself instead.
“Right. Well, I need to get back to the ice. I’ll see you later, Carson.” I say, and Carson nods.
“See you, Julian,” Avery says with a smile, and I don’t say anything but give him a tight smile in return before leaving the gym.
The entire time I’m practicing my program, I could only think about how dumb that was. Did it feel a bit good in the moment? Yes! But afterward, I felt even more silly. Also, I liked that hoodie; I had no intention of returning it.
So not only am I out of my favorite hoodie that smells like him, but now Avery probably thinks I’m a child. I wonder if he would’ve done something like that. Probably not, seeing as he likely has more romantic experience than me too.
“Hey, you ready?” Carson says, snapping me out of my black hole of thoughts.
“Yeah, I’m coming,” I mumble.
He takes my bag off my shoulder like he always does, but it annoys me this time, and I pull back. Carson looks at me, his face pinched in shock, but I just head straight toward the exit. The parking lot is mostly empty by this time.
I’m walking far ahead of him, leaving him behind, and I know I’m being rude, but I can’t help it. It’s getting under my skin thinking about how Avery probably also spends more time with Carson. He has, and he is currently now that they work together.
I want to vomit.
I clench my jaw as I wait by the car door.
“Julian, alright, what’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“Uh, I don’t know, you seem kind of tense today.” He says, and sure, today, maybe I didn’t do a good job at masking my annoyance with him. Of course, Carson notices everything, almost.
“I’m not.” I fold my arms defensively.
“Julian.” He stands in front of me, his head tilted, obviously not believing me.
“Can you just talk to me?” He pleads.
I hate it when he does this; it makes me want to give in the way he looks at me.
I want to kiss him.
“You want me to talk to you? But was there ever a point where you would talk to me about you and your ex playing on the same team?” I spit out.
Finally, I feel like a boulder has been lifted off my shoulders. It feels good, but horrible at the same time.
“Avery.” He says, his brows furrowing.
He looks sorry already.
“Your ex.”
“I didn’t tell you..Because I didn’t want you to be upset or get the wrong idea.” Carson says, calmly.
“Oh, that worked out wonderful for you, I’m sure.” I scoff.
“I know, but I was going to tell you at the gala after you guys met, but it just never came up again.” He tries to explain, but my anger is getting the best of me. And like I knew, his explanation isn’t good enough. My skin feels so hot, I almost think it stings.
“There’s nothing going on between us, and we haven’t dated in years.” He continues.
“I know that! That’s not the point!” I snap.
“So why are you upset, Julian?”
“Because you didn’t tell me! I feel stupid!” I scream. This is the angriest I’ve been in forever. I feel uncontrollable, and it’s freaking me out. I turn to walk and head home, but Carson is already one step ahead.
He walks in front of me. Blocking the way.
“So you’re just going to walk away from me, again?” He looks at me with a bit of frustration in his expression, and I immediately feel defensive.
“You have some fucking nerve, Carson,” I bite out.
“I’m sorry.” He says, his eyes softening as he holds his hand out to calm me down.
“You should’ve started with that!” I yell at him, moving back to create distance because if he touches me right now, I’ll fall apart.
“I always do, Julian!” He snaps back at me, and I just stand there staring at him for a moment before collecting myself. Carson has never gotten angry with me. I’m not sure what to do or how to react. So I do the only thing I know how to do.
“Julian, wait…I’m sorry.” He voices shakes.
“I need time to myself,” I say, and without even giving him another look, I start to walk quickly through the cold towards my flat. I haven’t walked back in a while, and I think I’ll need it to think about whatever the fuck just happened between us.
* * *
I make my way back home and shrug my jacket and shoes off.
It’s warm here, but my body is shivering, cold with dread.
I don’t think I’ve processed, even on my walk back, everything that happened today.
I try to even think if I ever had to deal with something like this.
The answer is no. I don’t know where to start, and right now I don’t want to start anywhere but in my bed.
I check my phone before heading into a much-needed hot shower.
Of course, Carson has text me.
Carson: i’m sorry…i know you don’t want to talk to me.
Carson: please just let me know if you got home ok
Me: I’m here.
Carson: ok.
I feel tears burning in my eyes, threatening to fall, and I wipe them quickly.
I don’t want to cry, not again. I turn the knob on the shower and start to undress.
I step under the spray with a shaky sigh; I wish it were as easy as washing all these disgusting emotions away.
The tears are back, but this time I just let it out.
I’m so frustrated with myself, Carson, and just everything. Mostly not knowing what to do. I feel even worse because all I want to do is talk to him.
No one told me this having relationships with people thing would be this fucking complicated. It was all so much easier when I didn’t let anyone near me.
I step out of the shower and towel off. The mirror fogged up from all the steam, I wipe it down to see my tear-stained eyes.
My bed is singing to my body by the time I sink into it. I wish I hadn’t given Carson his hoodie back. I would give anything to feel near him right now. More tears wet my pillow as I turn to lie on my side.
I guess I can check another first off my bucket list.
I hate fighting like this.