Chapter 22
The whirring of the treadmill is the only sound in the room as I finish another lap.
I’ve had a few days to sit and think and sit and think.
Since you know, I’m not fit to be on the ice yet.
Coach thankfully approved a lighter workout routine, so I won’t drive myself crazy with the lack of movement.
I know Holly is right, especially about me needing to redirect my frustration away from the fact that I’ve found something more out of life than just skating, but to how I need to work on shutting off those negative thoughts when I’m on the ice.
Of course, it’s easy to just do away with the things causing the thoughts, but it can’t always be that simple. I can’t hold this wall up for the rest of my career, not when I do actually care about Carson. I know he cares about me. I know he would fight for me.
He’s never the one running from us.
But this revelation doesn’t dissolve my anger and the bitter feeling in my chest I still hold for him when it comes to Avery. That’s something I have to get through on my own.
My music is blaring in my ear, but I can feel someone start the treadmill next to me while I’m running. I look over, and it’s Avery smiling at me as he starts slow on the machine. I pull my earphone out, squinting at him a bit.
“Hey,” I say warily.
What is he even doing here? I definitely waited to come here at night to avoid Carson and definitely not to see Avery. Or them together.
“Hey,” He looks like he’s thinking heavily about something before he adds, “so I kinda want to talk to you about something?”
Great. That’s it. I’m going to throw up.
“Oh, ok, yeah. Sure.” I slow the machine down to a steady pace, the same speed that he’s going at.
“Look. I’m just going to say this plainly. But there’s nothing going on with me and Carson and there hasn’t been anything for years just so you know.” He starts, and I’m definitely going to throw up.
Did Carson tell him to talk to me?
“Ok. And why are you telling me this?” I ask, knowing exactly why he’s telling me, but I would much rather chew on grass than drop my walls for Carson’s ex-boyfriend.
“Come on, Julian, I think you know why I’m telling you this. Carson’s been playing like shit, by the way.”
I raise my brows, it’s not because of me, is it?
“And..Just so you know. He did tell me about you guys. He talks about you all the time.” He says solemnly.
“Well, he certainly didn’t tell me about you.” I blurt out.
“Hm…I don’t think he meant to not tell you, he was probably afraid of what you’d think. He likes you a lot.” He chuckles. And my skin heats thinking about Carson telling Avery how much he likes me.
“Besides, you guys look so cute together. And this is the longest I’ve ever seen him try to pursue someone.” He laughs.
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah, back in the day, he would’ve moved along to the next pretty thing that gave him even a split second of attention.” He chuckles, and I roll my eyes.
I did catch that through my extensive levels of stalking him online, mixed with Liam and Kevin’s gossip, that he seemed to have a bit of a playboy past. It definitely didn’t make me feel even more insecure about my lack of experience, no, definitely not.
We’re both quiet for a while, the machines still going, “Carson’s so different now, you know. I think back then we worked cause we were both insane.” He smiles.
“But, I think he eventually outgrew me.”
I frown.
What if the same happens with me? What if he gets tired of me?
“Don’t worry, I can see why he’s so obsessed with you. You’re like a nice, relaxing spa day.” Avery grins.
“You’re silly.” I chuckle, my head lowered as I walk at the steady pace of the treadmill.
“Please just think about forgiving him so we can get back to winning. For me?” Avery pouts when I look over to him.
I can’t help but give him a small smile, “I’ll think about it.”
“Thanks. And I meant to ask, do you have a brother or anything?” He teases.
“Excuse me?” I scoff.
“I’m just kidding, jeez. Don’t tell Carson I asked.” He laughs as I shake my head at him.
* * *
When I get back to my flat, I think about everything me and Avery talked about. I definitely understand there’s nothing going on between them. I’m not even sure if I ever thought that though. I think it’s more to do with not only how I was already feeling about me and Carson.
How there’s not only such a big gap in our romantic experience, but that he thinks I’m so unstable that he can’t even tell me something so important such as this.
While I’m still very upset, I think I should at least give talking to him about it a second shot.
This time, I’ll come with more honesty about why I was really upset.
Avery said the guys are playing another away game, I think in Ohio.
I kind of have a little idea to go see them play.
I just don’t know if it’s too much. Maybe I should drag Liam with me; that would be fun, and he did say the shop was in its slow season.
I text him and ask if he’s free for a little hockey trip.
Me: How would you and Kevin like free tickets to see hockey in Ohio?
Liam: You know kev would freak out and i’m always down to see hot guys slam each other around lol
Me: Of course you are.
Liam: ;) going to get your man?
Me: Please let’s not talk about it.
Liam: zipping my mouth as we speak lol.
Me: Thank you.
I close out the text thread with a chuckle.
I guess it’s decided, I’m going to see Carson in Ohio.
This will be interesting. From what I’ve learned about hockey so far, the fans don’t like it when an opposing team’s fans show up to their games.
Not that I have any team merch to wear to the game anyway, but I’m sure Kevin does.
I wonder what wearing Carson’s jersey would be like.
I stop myself before I can get into any delusions for the night.
I check the team’s schedule to make sure their game aligns with my skate schedule. I’m sure I could take a day or two off. Can’t do much anyway.
But still, wow. Look at me taking not one but two days off.
If Julian from about a few months ago could see me now. He’d probably kill me. I laugh to myself and stand up into a stretch before heading over to my bed and getting comfortable under the covers.
I wonder what he’s doing right now.