Chapter 23
Me and Liam decide to have a little sleepover at my flat the night before our little hockey adventure.
Kevin will come pick us up before we head to the airport in the morning.
The pot on the stove bubbles with soup. I figured I’d make him dinner; he said he’s never had Korean food before, so I’m excited.
I make my way to the door, still in my apron and get the door for him.
“Hey there! I brought the goods!” Liam grins, holding up a bottle of merlot.
“Thank you.” I say, giving him a light hug, “Hey, hey, shoes.” I laugh. His shoes are still on as he’s walking toward the kitchen.
“Ah, you’re right, you’re right.” He says, removing them and following me, “Ooo, I like it, I like it. Very you.” Liam hums, his eyes bright with interest.
“Thank you.” I smile.
I finish setting everything out on the island, and Liam takes a seat, his smile beaming at all the food, “Oh my god, Julian, this looks delicious” He grins.
“This is doenjang soup. My mom used to make this all the time.” I laugh, handing him a spoon and some chopsticks.
“All hail your mom. This is amazing.” He says in between chewing, “So, your sexy hockey man, what are you going to say?” He adds, raising his brows.
“I haven’t gotten that far.” I take a spoonful of my soup, and he’s right, it is good. I’ve got to make this for Carson next time. Now that I’m thinking about it, I haven’t made him anything yet.
“Are you still mad at him?” He asks, worry in his voice.
“I don’t know..I don’t think so?”
I’ve thought about this a lot the past day or so, and I just really want us to get past this.
But I’m not sure how Carson is feeling. And now it’s too late to just send him a text.
It’s so long since we’ve spoken, it would feel so impersonal and cold.
I also still wouldn’t know exactly what I want to say to begin with, so it doesn’t really matter.
I just know my missing him severely outweighs any other emotion I feel towards all of this.
“Well, that’s a start. I think once you guys see each other and get to kissing, you’ll be fine!” Liam grins.
“Of course you’d say that.” I chuckle.
“Hey, you’d be surprised how much just making out can help.”
“Well, I wouldn’t know, remember?”
“Oh, right, you being a virgin and all.” He says, and I burst into laughter.
“You’re definitely not helping,” I say.
Me and Liam spend the night watching rom-coms and critiquing the actions of the characters. Liam says I need to watch romance movies, maybe that will help me with my other little dilemma, but this stuff is often so unrealistic to me. I can’t see how it could possibly help.
Or maybe it’s not the unbelievable parts of it all but the bigger meaning I can take from it.
I don’t know. But he loves this kind of stuff, and honestly, I can see why.
It just sucks you right in. I’m really getting into it with him as we both jump up and yell at the screen; the lead actor choosing to hide his feelings again instead of telling the lead actress how he feels.
“That’s you.” Liam giggles.
“It is not! Shut up!” I pinch him, and we both fall into another fit of giggles.
I have the sudden thought that I’ll miss Liam so much when it’s time for me to head back home.
* * *
It’s fucking cold in Ohio. No one told me.
I mean, I knew it was going cold, but why does it feel a bit colder here than New Jersey?
I’m sure it’s the same, but it doesn’t feel like it today.
I pull my coat around my body tighter as we wait in line to get inside the arena.
There’s so many people. I try to huddle closer to Liam and Kevin.
“Hopefully this line moves a little, it’s cold as fuck.” Kevin laughs.
“Yeah. Cold is definitely right.” I say, shivering in my thick jacket. That’s not helping.
“We should get some snacks!” Liam grins.
I’m surprised he seems even more excited than Kevin about this game. Though I think Liam is more concerned with me and Carson seeing each other than anything.
Kevin gave us the entire rundown of every player on Ohio’s team and the odds of us beating them; he says we’re evenly matched. But I hope Carson and his team can pull through and do well tonight.
We finally get into the arena and grab snacks, mostly to appease Liam.
Kevin leads the way to our seats. I tried to make sure we were close, not only so I can see Carson, but I’m just super thankful for the two of them coming out here with me.
I want them to know in some way, even if I haven’t said it.
It must be working because Kevin is gushing to Liam about the seating I chose.
“Mmm, I can’t wait to see the boys.” Liam grins.
“Can you cut it out, Liam!” Kevin rolls his eyes. He says he hates it when Liam talks about how hot the hockey players are, but I think we both know he’s also thinking it too.
“Thanks for the tickets, Julian.” He says over Liam’s lap.
“Oh no, of course, thanks for coming with me.” I smile.
“Hey, I mean if you wanna take us to games with damn near on the ice seats to get your man back, call anytime,” Kevin replies, and all three of us laugh.
“You’re so silly,” I say.
“Have you told him you’re here?” Liam whispers.
“I haven’t…I want to text him but…”
“You should.” He says, winking at me before turning his attention to Kevin’s third verbal essay about hockey.
I pull out my phone while they’re distracted, opening me and Carson’s thread. We haven’t texted one another since the day of our spat. It’s making me sick seeing visual evidence of how long it’s been since I’ve spoken to him.
Me: Hi. Why didn’t you tell me Ohio is so cold too?
Carson: baby…
Carson: are you here?
Me: Maybe.
Carson: i’ll come to you, where are you?
Me: If you win, I’ll forgive you.
Carson: guess i’ll be winning then ;)
Me: :)
Carson: i missed you…
Me: I missed you too. Good luck tonight.
I take a deep breath, my hands shaking a bit as I put my phone away.
The lights start to lower and the announcer calls out the teams. The crowd is rumbling as their home team races onto the ice, but not so much for Carson’s team.
I almost want to laugh because it’s so different in figure skating where we’re all mostly cheered on, even if not equally.
My breath hitches when my eyes find Carson first.
“There’s your man!” Liam whispers, excitedly, nudging me a bit.
He’s looking around intensely. I try to bite back a smile. Is he looking for me? When we make eye contact after he finally finds me, he smiles at me as big as he can with his mouth guard and all.
I wave back, my ears burning.
I’m glad I could make him happy.
If the guys were on a losing streak, you certainly couldn’t tell tonight as they completely crushed and upset Ohio’s crowd by winning.
Carson was out for blood on the ice throughout the entire game.
He looked so hungry, so desperate. Anticipation is stirring my nerves as the game ends with their send-off rituals.
The guys start making their way off the ice soon after.
Carson: wait for me by the player’s entrance i told them you’re coming
Me: Ok.
Liam looks over at me and smiles, “Go on! Shoo shoo, we’ll wait up for you.”
“Or should we just go back to the hotel? What if he’s taking him to his room?” Kevin whispers, but I obviously hear him.
“Guys, please.” I laugh.
“I mean, he’s kinda right,” Liam says, wiggling his brows.
“I’m definitely not ready for that!” I yelp, and they laugh as I’m walking down the aisle to where the player’s entrance should be.
“Good luck!!” Liam yells after me.
* * *
I reach the spot where Carson told me to meet him, and I wait for a bit. Players are coming and going as I stand outside the locker room area.
“Hey.” Carson says, and I snap my head toward his voice, “Thanks for waiting, sorry about that.”
“No..No, it’s ok. I wasn’t waiting long, and I brought my friends with me.” I say.
“Oh, good.” He looks a bit nervous; his cheeks are rosy.
“Wait, what happened to your wrist! Are you ok?” Carson says, his eyes widening as he closes the space between us before gently checking my injury.
“Oh, it’s nothing, I just fell at practice,” I explain, looking down at the floor.
His gaze is so intense. I know he’s upset I got hurt. Probably even more upset, I never told him. Whether we’re talking or not, I know he would still want to know. But I didn’t want him to worry about me or come hunting me down to make sure I got home ok every day.
“What do you mean it’s nothing Juyeon?” He says.
“Seriously, it’s nothing. It’s already healing, and I’m fine. Can we just talk?” I sigh.
“Ok, but I want to check on this later, you hear me?” Carson’s voice is so stern, and him bossing me around is kind of turning me on. I chuckle at the thought, and he narrows his eyes at me.
“I heard you.” I drawl, snatching my wrist away.
“Alright, well, let’s go somewhere more quiet and talk?” He says.
“Yes, that sounds good,” I mumble.
He takes us to an empty room farther away from where all the players are celebrating and getting ready to head out. There’s a table and a few chairs; it’s probably a room they use for meetings. Carson puts his bag down before turning to me.
Now that I’m seeing him up close again after a while, I just want to press my lips to his.
But I’m sure we’d be skipping a ton of steps.
Right? Ugh. How about we start backwards?
“Julian..I really am sorry for not telling you about me and Avery’s history.” He starts.
I can already hear the desperation in his voice, and it makes my stomach sink. Why is this so hard? We should definitely start backwards; that would be easier.
“I really was afraid you’d leave before we even got to try,” Carson says, biting his lip, his brows furrowed in worry.
Because I’ve iced him out before.
I know.
“I see. I’m sorry for not being the best at communicating. I don’t want you to be afraid to tell me things.” I look down at my shoes, feeling a bit embarrassed, “I’m really…just not very good at any of this, but I’m trying. Or I want to try. I do.” I whisper.
“No, baby, you don’t have to be perfect at anything.
I should’ve still let you know. It’s ok, I know you’re trying.
I’m sorry too.” I hate that he’s always sorry.
Because it’s me who always forgets that there’s no competition because he’s only ever looking at me.
I don’t have to worry about that here, with him.
“No, I’m sorry…And I don’t think I care anymore. I just really want us to stop fighting.” I confess because that’s how I feel in this moment. Of everything unknown to me, it’s the only thing I do know. I just want us to stop.
“Fuck…Good because I missed you so much.” He says before crossing the room, closing the distance between us and pulling me into his arms.
I melt into his body, still burning hot after an intense game. This is exactly where I want to be.
Maybe I won’t make it back to our hotel room.
“I never want to fight again,” I say, nuzzling into his chest and breathing in softly. He smells so serene, I could fall asleep just like this.
“I can’t promise we won’t, but let’s not yell at each other for sure.” He chuckles.
“I’m sorry, I think I started that,” I mutter. It was definitely me who yelled first, and I hate that.
“It doesn’t matter who started it, let’s not do it, ok?” He looks down at me, wrapping his arms around my waist tightly, “Yes.” I nod.
We hug for a bit longer, Carson’s face in my hair as we sway a bit, “You know one thing I can promise?” I hum into his chest.
“I’ll do better next time, and I’ll always be waiting for you, Julian,” He says.
Tears start to well up in my eyes, but I don’t want to cry right now, so I bite down on my lip, trying to keep them back.
“What if I say you shouldn’t?” I whisper.
I’m sure there’s someone out there more deserving of Carson with more experience on what to do and what not to do. I don’t know why he’s so attached to me. I want to ask, but I’m not even sure I’m ready for an answer to even that question.
“Please don’t.”