Chapter 30
Ijump up and down to warm up, off to the side in the waiting area of the rink.
It’s the day of finals. The arena has begun to fill with onlookers.
I had an amazing sleep after talking to Carson, and I’m feeling better, more refreshed.
I did, however, tell my mom I couldn’t meet them for breakfast. Because I want to really keep my mind silent.
I don’t want to hear what my father has to say about my performance last night. I already know I fucked up.
The pressure to fix it is unbearable.
I need to go into my free skate with a fresh mind and spirit. Carson has been texting me all morning, making me laugh. I know he’s trying to take me out of my head.
Can’t say it’s not working.
But I miss him so much.
I pad into the locker room, running through my program in my head over and over.
I go into stretches. After that horrible mistake yesterday, I dropped to rank five, two ranks away from podium.
I almost let my negative thoughts eat away at me, seeing that, but I just have to ignore it for now.
The other skaters are doing fairly well, so it’s not making it any easier.
I’m just two skaters away from my final chance to leave a good enough impression to qualify for the Olympics.
I get the feeling my mom is keeping distance; she’s always understood what I need without explanation. I appreciate that in moments like this because I don’t think I can survive another interaction with my dad before a skate.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath; the footsteps I hear must be from my coach checking up on me.
“Hey, love.” That’s a voice my body knows very well.
I open my eyes to Carson standing in the doorway of the waiting room with flowers, the same alstromeria from our first date, the same ones he painted me holding.
He steps closer to me, and my hands shake as I reach out for them, “Thank you, you’re so sweet.”
“I missed you so much.” I breathe out, tears threatening to spill down my cheek, but I really don’t want to cry right before I go out on the ice.
“I missed you, too, baby. You look so beautiful.” He says, kissing my forehead.
“I thought, I thought you said you couldn’t make it?”
“I wanted to surprise you, surprise!” He laughs, and I smack his chest lightly with the bouquet before putting it down on the bench behind us.
“I hate you. That’s not funny, Carson.”
“I’m sorry. But I’m here now, and you got this, ok?” Carson holds my face gently in his hands.
My heart is beating rapidly, “What if I make another mistake? What if I could have worked harder?”
“It’s ok, love, just do your best. That’s enough. Remember, this isn’t all that you have to be. Remember why you started skating in the first place.”
Remember why I started skating in the first place.
It was my escape until I made it something else and let it consume me. But I can take it back. I hope I can.
“Just have fun. Live a little.” He chuckles, giving me a soft kiss.
“I love you.” I blurt out, flinching at my reveal.
Carson’s body freezes up, and I realize what I’ve said. I immediately retreat from his touch in shock, the words sinking in deep. I swallow before looking up into his eyes; they’re still a bit wide.
Maybe I made a mistake. Of course, I made a mistake. Why did I say that? Because that’s what I felt? I try to step back to get some space, but Carson suddenly pulls me back in by my arm.
“Where are you going?” He says, his voice dark.
“I don’t know why I said that,” I mutter.
“Did you mean it?”
“I said it, didn’t I?” I quip, avoiding his eyes that feel like they’re melting me into place. I’m still trying to pull away, but his grip on my waist is so tight, he won’t let even an inch exist between us.
“A smart mouth even when you’re telling me you love me for the first time?” He chuckles.
“Well, I mean, you didn’t say it back, so I take it back. Forget I even said it.”
“Song Juyeon, I think you know I more than love you.” I bite my lip, still avoiding his eyes.
I do know how he feels, and I know he may have been afraid to say it in case it scared me off.
Which it probably would have before. But it’s been clear where his heart lies for a while now.
Maybe I said it first because sometimes I felt I wasn’t giving him as much as he was giving me.
So I wanted him to know I’m willing to give him the thing that matters to me most.
My heart.
Carson breaks my thoughts, pulling me into a long and slow kiss. His tongue slipping into my mouth, exploring every inch. I moan, grabbing the front of his shirt.
“I love you too, Juyeon.” He says when we break apart, “Go skate your heart out.” He grins.
I almost forgot where we were. Hearing Carson say that he loves me consumes me entirely, swallowing up every part of my mind.
“We’re up, Julian. You’ve got this. Remember what we’ve practiced and you’ll ace this!” Coach says, stepping into the room, his eyes growing wide at me and Carson’s little situation we have going on in this backroom, I’m sure.
“Oh, thank you. I..I’m coming out now.” I smile, pulling away from Carson, who is laughing.
“Of course! Sorry for interrupting. Nice to see you, Young.” He smiles back, shaking Carson’s hand.
“Hey, coach.” He beams.
I roll my eyes and head to the hall that leads to the main area of the arena. They both follow closely behind me. I turn around before stepping out of the hall completely, and my coach gives me a nod before walking out first.
“I won’t say good luck cause you don’t need it,” Carson whispers in my ear before giving a quick kiss on the lips, leaving me blushing as he heads into the stands. I have to bite my lip to stop myself from grinning.
My name being announced rings out through the arena, my body moving on autopilot. I roll the diamond pendant Carson gave me between my fingers before skating out and taking position in the center of the ice.
The crowd claps, but all I can hear is my heart drumming in my ears.
This is the moment that I’ve worked for all my career.
This is what I came across the world for, though I think I may have found something even better.
The music begins, and it’s my new free skate.
The judges are expecting my usual classical performance, but Circus by Britney Spears starts instead.
I sway my body to the music; this routine is supposed to be more charming and fun, just like someone I know.
So I tune everything out and do just that, have fun.
My body glides across the ice with more pep and boldness instead of grace.
I ready myself for my first jump, triple lutz, flying through the air and landing flawlessly.
I feel amazing, starting off strong.
The crowd is in love as they clap and cheer to the music. I’m nailing every spin, every transition, and every jump as I realize I haven’t felt anything like this since I was a child, when skating felt like freedom, when there were no expectations, no judges, no scores, just me and the ice.
I’m buzzing with excitement, my favorite part of the performance is coming. I look into the crowd and see Carson grinning down at me. He’s holding a banner with my name on it in Korean. I can hear his voice clear in my mind.
“You deserve this even if you don’t win, Julian.”
I smile widely as I play across the surface to the dance break, propelling my body into my final and most difficult jump of this program, a quad loop. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears even during my rotations in the air.
The blades of my skates kiss the ice with a perfect landing. An incredible performance comes to an end, flowers and stuffed animals litter the ice. I bow and send a kiss to my parents’ direction, they’re both smiling.
* * *
My parents and Carson rush toward me as I come off the ice. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I hug my mom first. She hands me a bouquet and smiles, “You did so well.”
“Thanks, mom.” I nuzzle into her.
“You were amazing,” Carson says.
“Great job, Julian!” My Coach pats my back, and my dad nods and clasps my arm in approval.
“You did well,” He says. I bite my lip, nodding. Out of everyone, it means the most coming from my dad. I hope he knows I really did my best, and I was happy with my performance.
I hope that’s enough for him.
I don’t want to cry in front of everyone, but I do anyway, and Carson wipes them with a tissue, smiling down at me warmly. My dad clears his throat. I completely forgot this is their first time meeting him. I grip the bouquet tighter in my hands.
“Ah, Dad, this Carson,” I say as Carson bows to my parents, they both nod.
“Nice to meet you.” He says, his voice a bit shaky. I feel bad this is how they’re meeting. There’s so much going on. But it’s also kind of funny seeing The Invincible Carson out of his element and afraid of an old man. I almost want to laugh.
“We’ll talk later. Get your scores.” My dad says.
“Ok. I’ll see you guys. Thank you, Carson.” He gives me a nod before heading off with my parents back to their seats.
Me and coach head to the kiss and cry for my scores after the ice has been cleared.
The judges are still in deliberation. It’s a hard one to tell because while I did have a stellar performance, the fall from my short program still gnaws at the back of my mind.
This will be solely up to how well some of the skaters have also done in their programs, and the competition is stiff.
Everyone has worked so hard; only the best make it to this point.
My scores are finally being announced, and my throat has run dry, my leg bouncing a bit. Coach pats my back as the scores begin to show on the screen.
“You did it, Julian!” Coach Peters exclaims.
Tears spill hot down my cheek as he hugs me.
I just won silver at the world championships.
I’m an Olympian!
* * *