Chapter 29
My suitcase lies open as I’m getting ready to head to the airport to meet my parents.
I stuff my shoes and toiletries in the bag.
The world championships are quickly approaching; a few days out to be exact.
Both my programs have been nearly perfected, and I’ve been mostly focused on just some minor tweaks.
Besides that, everything has been going amazingly.
Me and Carson have been spending time together, as much as our careers will allow, and I’m ok with that.
I think counseling is definitely helping, but I’m still very much nervous about how I cope with negative thoughts affecting my performance on the ice. I think I’ve been managing my emotions well. Then again, nothing has really been going wrong to challenge that.
I mean, I wasn’t the happiest when Carson told me he couldn’t attend my competition, and I had a bit of a meltdown deep inside because I really wanted him to be there. But I also understand how it is.
Hopefully, he can see me skate soon.
My parents will be flying in to Boston, where this year’s World Championships are being held.
While I’m very excited to have them here in America with me, for some reason, it’s also messing with my nerves a bit.
I feel like their being there in the flesh reminds me of the pressure to win.
The pressure, like a wound you don’t realize is there until the adrenaline wears off.
Hopefully, I’ll feel fine by the start of the competition. Carson has been the sweetest, of course, sending me messages of encouragement as we’re leading up to the championships.
I really wish he could be there.
* * *
I don’t know what I thought Boston weather would be like, but it’s incredibly cold, the air was biting at my skin on my way into the arena early this morning.
I come from a pretty cold place, so that’s saying a lot.
I’ve already gone through hair, makeup, and any last-minute costume checks.
I feel pretty grounded, but I know how quickly that can change for me, so I’m holding on to this mindset like my life depends on it.
I flex my legs and get into my stretches as my coach enters the room, “How you feeling?” He asks.
“Pretty good, I think.” I nod.
“Good. You got this, Julian. You couldn’t be any more prepared. So don’t worry and just give it your all.” Coach Peters says, patting me on the back.
“Thanks, Coach.” We exchange warm smiles before he heads back out, and I continue my warm-up routine.
My phone pings with a message. I fish it out from my jacket pocket, and there’s a text from Carson. I know he’s going to be on the ice tonight too.
How ironic, on the ice on the same night at the same time. This will probably be the last message I see before the competition begins, and I’m glad it’s his.
Carson: good luck baby, remember you’re amazing! you got this! *kisses*
Me: Thank you. And you too.
Me: *kisses*
Carson: ;) aww you’re learning…
Me: Shut up and get to work!
Carson: i’m going i’m going, the boys said good luck!
Me: Thank you guys! :)
I put my phone away, my face flushed with heat. I’m still stretching when my parents come in, my mom pulling me in for a brief hug before fiddling with my hair a bit as I smile down at her. Definitely got the hair thing from her.
“Thanks, Mom,” I say.
“You’re going to be amazing.” She assures me with a small nod.
“You’ve been focusing on your training, right?” My dad says, his tone making my body freeze up.
“Yes, Dad. I have.” I say, trying not to sound defensive, I know he means well, but it’s too much sometimes.
And maybe it’s because I know the entire time I’ve been here, I haven’t solely been focusing on my training.
He’s triggering that guilt in me, and he has no idea.
I want him to stop. But fighting with my dad would make things even worse, especially right before I hit the ice, so I just take it.
I pinch my brows and sigh, frustration bubbling under my skin, “Then you should be fine to win and…” My father presses, “Ok well, we should go and let you prepare.” My mom interjects, worry etched in her features as she rubs my arm gently.
“Thanks,” I whisper to her before she nods and ushers my dad out of the room.
The tension rolls off my shoulders, but only by a bit. I can’t let my thoughts get the best of me.
As the time for me to go on the ice nears, I feel my nerves amping up after my interaction with my parents, my dad mostly.
I flex my back and try to go into breathing exercises.
Everything will be fine, I’ve been practicing this skate for months now, there’s nothing to worry about.
I try to lock the pressure I feel away somewhere deep inside, at least until my short program is over.
“You’re up. You’re an Olympian, remember that.” My coach says firmly, and I nod. I have to believe this about myself. I know. I do believe it.
I can do this. It’s nothing I haven’t done before.
I walk to the mouth of the ice, and when my name is announced as the next skater for short programs, I take a deep breath, gliding out with a graceful bow.
I get into position for the start of my routine.
My body flows across the ice as the music starts.
I still feel the nerves, but I feel they slowly slip away as I land my first jump perfectly and the crowd cheers.
I go into the next part of my routine with a bit more confidence, hitting everything perfectly.
But as I’m preparing to go into my biggest toe jump, for this program, quad lutz, I catch a glimpse of my parents’ faces in the crowd. My mother is wearing a small smile, my father is watching me intensely, and I can’t tell what he’s thinking.
The thought of his expression being one of disapproval.
I fly through the air, missing my footing, my entire body landing out on the ice.
The pain is minimal but enough that I wince getting back onto my feet. The crowd gasps in shock because it’s a jump that will cost me greatly. I cringe, disappointed in myself as I finish out the rest of my routine nearly perfect, but I know that fall could end everything here.
I don’t even look at my parents in the crowd as I bow and depart from the ice. Coach Peters meets me at the gate and gives me a pat on the back.
“It’s ok, we can recover in the free skate, Julian, don’t let it get to you.”
That’s easy to say in theory, don’t let it get to you, don’t overthink it. But in reality, this is soul-crushing. I feel like I’m dying. I feel stupid for missing a jump I’ve landed hundreds of times in practice and in competition.
Why? Because I got scared of what my father was thinking while he was watching me?
I clench my fists as the judges present my scores, and while yes, Coach is right, this can be recovered in my free skate.
But I’m now put in a vulnerable state if other skaters do well.
My free skate has my hardest jumps consecutively, so we were banking on my short program going off without a hitch.
I only had to land one high-scoring jump.
I’m seething. I want to cry.
* * *
I avoid talking to my parents when the competition is over for the day and turn in early. Tomorrow has to be perfect, and I need to get these horrible feelings out before then. I haven’t checked my phone since leaving the arena.
I finally check it as I let my body sink into the soft hotel mattress, feeling a bit better after showering. Not by much, though.
Carson: baby…are you ok?
Carson: julie its ok…you’re going to kill the free skate.
Carson: hey….
I feel horrible for not answering, I realize now he’s probably thinking I’m going to disappear on him again.
Me: Hey..I’m ok, thanks Carson.
Carson: i’m sorry bby, tomorrow is going to be better!
Me: I hope. I wish you were here.
Carson: me too :( sorry
Carson: you looked beautiful today btw…
Me: Oh….Thank you.
Carson: ;) in your sparkly outfit
Me: You’re sooo silly please, is that what you were looking at? My butt?
Carson: i didn’t say that but how’d you know? lol
Me: Cause you’re a man.
Carson: well stop being so sexy
Me: Carson!
Carson: lool js but really you were so amazing
Carson: pls don’t worry too much, you’re going to kill it tomorrow!
Me: Thank you. How was your game?
Carson: we won ;)
Me: Congratulations!
Me: Wait are you out celebrating?
Carson: no…i was worried about you.
Me: Carson……That’s very sweet of you.
Me: You should be celebrating.
Carson: nah this is where i wanna be…i’m gonna call you.