Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
JACQUELINE
“Can I call you Jackie?”
“I’d prefer if you didn’t.”
“Jack?”
“No.”
“Hmm, Jacqueline it is then,” he smiled before bracing my shoulders and pushing me onto my back.
* * *
When I was a child, I struggled with (what I would later learn is called) self-injurious behaviors. This wasn’t behavior designed to harm myself. It was behavior that I practiced in an attempt to regulate my body when I was feeling very, very dysregulated. But the behavior still wasn’t safe. It didn’t happen often, because I quickly learned how problematic it was. I already felt weird, and alien around my peers. I didn’t want them to see me do these things and find another reason I was different. I only had a handful of memories of these behaviors. Memories that stuck with me because of the big reactions I received when other adults saw me do it.
One time, we couldn’t have been much older than five or six, Marco was chasing me around our house. I remembered turning a corner, cackling loudly, feeling adrenaline course through my body when I had accidentally bumped into a housecleaner and spilled her bucket of dirty water all over the floor. It soaked me as well.
Marco, being a typical brother, pointed at me and laughed.
The house cleaner scolded me, instructing that I help her clean it up.
But I didn’t want to stop and help. I knew I should . I knew how to clean up messes. I know that helping her clean it up was the right thing to do. But I still had energy buzzing in my veins. I wanted to run . I wanted Marco to keep chasing me. I needed to release the pent-up energy itching in my arms and legs and stomach.
So I lifted my forearm to my mouth and bit down, and my insides started to feel better. All the focus and restlessness buzzing inside of me suddenly had an outlet as I dug my teeth into my skin hard enough to leave a bruise, but not hard enough to break it.
Marco wasn’t surprised, because he’d seen this from me before. The housecleaner, however, gasped and quickly pulled my arm from my mouth. Her reaction was so big, so frightening, so concerned for me, that it was then that I learned that biting myself wasn’t socially acceptable.
Marco ended up helping us clean up the mess.
I ended up biting my arm only when I was alone and no one would see me do it.
Later, our father was lecturing us before school. I guess Marco had been disruptive in class and was trying to use me as an example of how to behave. We were both slouching at the kitchen table, Marco resting his head on his crossed arms, me with my hands in my lap and my chin resting on the wood.
Our father always demanded eye contact whenever he spoke to us, so while I understood what was happening, all of my energy was focused on staring at our father. Not looking away. Not getting distracted. It was why I was deemed “good” in school because I had mastered how to make it look like I was paying attention when really every muscle in my body was trembling with the need to escape.
My dad raised his voice, snapping his fingers in front of Marco’s face to get his attention.
So I pressed my chin against the wood.
It felt good, it was grounding me. I felt more in control.
I dug even harder, slowly adding more pressure as my dad went on and on about proper classroom behavior.
Finally, the wood cracked underneath my face.
I had a bruise on my chin for a few days.
And the memory of my father’s scream that I could still hear to this day.
It had been a while since I had behaved that way, but today, I was reminded of it. Why I did those things as a young girl.
Mary knocked on the doorframe of Leo’s office before poking her head in and asking, “Can I interrupt?”
I nodded and took a seat on Leo’s leather couch that was up against the wall, throwing Mary a smile as she let herself in. Leo and I were chatting about the emails I was about to send to a couple of engineers, offering them unscheduled bonuses. Pizza parties were great, but upper management at Sun Steer Technologies understood that nothing expressed employee appreciation more than money.
My mood was so elevated lately. I caught myself smiling more and more, and I knew others could see it too.
I’d heard talk, when I walked past the break room, from employees saying, “The ice queen seems to be melting.”
I didn’t hear those words and feel offended, because they weren’t exactly wrong.
“I need to talk to you about the file Zaid just forwarded us.” Mary held her laptop in her hands, a dramatic frown on her lips as she stood in front of Leo’s desk. He leaned back and rested both of his hands behind his head as he addressed his cousin.
“What about it?”
“First, I fucking hate Excel,” Mary started with.
“Language,” I sighed, as I added another note to my iPad. I was not as concerned about language as I used to be, but it was a habit to say something at this point.
“Sorry,” Mary threw over her shoulder, before turning back to Leo, “There are over three hundred and fifty million rows on this thing.”
“So there is.” Leo grinned at Mary.
“Second, I know no one has ever told you this before,” Mary’s tone was so dry that even I could pick up on the comedic one-liner incoming, “But it’s too big.”
I snorted, scrolling on my iPad as I murmured, “That’s not true.”
And then my heart stopped before it jumped into my throat.
My hand froze over my iPad.
I glanced up as my eyes widened, petrified.
Mary was staring back at me with her own set of wide, horrified eyes.
Leo’s jaw was practically on the floor as he gaped at me.
“Oh god,” I set my iPad on my lap as the flames of embarrassment scorched my cheeks, “I mean—”
“Oh my god !” Mary’s head swiveled as she darted her gaze between the two of us, “Did you just—” I stood, letting my iPad fall to the couch cushion next to me. I didn’t know what to do with my hands, which were suddenly moist. My heart finally kickstarted again, and embarrassment flooded my body. Sand was rushing in my ears. My breaths were becoming shorter and shorter.
I looked towards Leo, hoping he understood that I was so, so apologetic.
Everything was officially fucked.
You just messed everything up .
He’s so pissed at you .
Leo stood from his desk, clear eyes still wide and a light dusting of color forming on his cheeks, “Mary, calm down—”
Mary set her laptop down on his desk before pointing an accusing finger at me, “Are you implying that you—you know what his—” her finger pointed to Leo, who just laughed with a roll of his eyes, making Mary’s widen even more as she clutched her hands into her hair, “ Oh my god !”
My lungs were shrinking, my heart was starting to hurt. That stupid lump in my throat was forming. I tried to relieve the pressure, using my own hands to push on my chest and stomach. When that didn’t work, I balled my hand into a fist and hit my chest once. Twice.
The movement caught Leo’s eye, “Jacqueline? Breathe.” He started to walk around his desk, but I stared at Mary, whose expression still looked appalled.
She ignored Leo stepping around her as she hissed at me, “Are you really telling me you slept with my cousin? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Shit, shit, shit .
Everything is ruined.
You can’t fix this.
Before Leo got any closer, I bolted.
I wasn’t running, but I knew how to speed-walk out of a situation like a pro.
“Bloody hell.” I heard Leo’s curse right as I left his office. I was sweating. My vision was tunneling. I didn’t try to mold my face into anything. Focusing on getting to the sensory room was my first priority. I had to make it there.
“Hi, Jac—oh,” Violet’s voice brushed past me. I didn’t wave, I didn’t acknowledge how she also seemed to greet Leo.
Nicole was just walking around the corner, and I almost stumbled into her.
“Whoa, are you okay?” Nicole asked, bracing both of my arms to avoid a collision. I shook my head and kept going, ignoring her protest as I finally, finally , made it.
I flung the door open, stepped inside, and pushed it shut behind me before flipping on the diffuser.
A thud echoed in the room when there should have been a latch catching, and suddenly Leo’s voice was trapped in the space with me, “Jacqueline, breathe.”
I shook my head at him. I didn’t need to breathe. I needed to stop. Stop everything. Stop thinking. Stop seeing Mary’s look of betrayal over and over and over in my mind. I needed to peel out of my skin and scoop out all the unease boiling in my stomach. I didn’t remember pulling out the throw blankets and falling onto the pile of bean bags, but once my body made contact, I finally attempted to inhale a full breath.
“Jacqueline—” that was Mary’s voice.
I balled my hands into fists again, pushing them against my head as hard as I could handle it.
“Fuck off, Mary,” that was Leo’s voice. His large hands were pulling me off of the bean bags. I was shaking, tears streaming down my cheeks as I shook my head. It was the only form of protest I could manage, but Leo ignored me.
In a blink, I was rewrapped in the soft blanket, but my back was against Leo’s front. His feet planted on the ground while his long legs bent on either side of me, creating a cage. His long arms were wrapped around me, and Leo’s grip on my forearms locked me against him. His head was bent forward, his cheek rested against my head as he settled me between his legs.
“Breathe, love,” Leo instructed.
I gasped through a breath, letting my tears soak the fluffy material of the throw blanket. My fists were still tightly pressed against my head.
“Jacqueline, it’s okay—” Mary started again, crouching next to us. I didn’t hear her shut us all in here, but I couldn’t find it in me to be upset. I didn’t know what to do.
“I’m so sorry—” I panted, embracing the tight squeeze Leo’s arms gave me, “I’m so sorry. I’m sorr—”
“Stop it,” Leo interrupted, “You’re safe. No one else is upset.”
“Well,” Mary tilted her head back and forth, “I have some feelings about this.”
“I don’t give a fuck about your feelings,” Leo snapped, “Get out of here.”
“Fuck you,” Mary flipped him off.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered again, my breathing slowly coming back to me. Slowly, it was still a struggle.
“Shh.” Leo squeezed his legs around me. I almost, almost forgot we were at work, had Mary not been crouching next to us. She studied us with her dark eyes and red lips turned downward.
Every time I tried to speak up, Leo shushed me, flexing his limbs to squeeze around me again.
Time passed in a way I couldn’t keep up with. I had no concept of what time it was while I struggled to regulate my meltdown, but I knew that at some point I had closed my eyes. I focused on the feel of Leo’s heartbeat against my back, his chest expanding against me, his arms locked around me, his legs squeezing me, because it helped.
Leo didn’t have to help me, but he did.
I finally opened my eyes, to see Mary sitting cross-legged on the floor.
Her face wasn’t as hard, but she still didn’t look happy.
My heart sank a bit more at her expression.
“I messed up,” I finally whispered.
“You didn’t,” Leo insisted.
The three of us sat in heavy silence before Mary broke it with a gentle voice.
“How are you feeling?”
I lifted a shoulder under the blankets, relieved when Leo didn’t loosen his hold on me from the movement, “Better.” My hands lowered from my head, awkwardly loose underneath the band of Leo’s arms.
Mary nodded; her fingers folded in her lap as she pressed her lips together.
Then she snorted.
I jumped because it caught me off guard. The room was silent, minus the hum of the diffuser.
Then she snorted again, before slapping a hand over her mouth.
“Are you—?”
“I can’t believe you slept with my cousin!” Mary lowered her voice, but she was smiling now. I had no idea how to react to this change of mood. I thought she was upset with me, but she was smiling. Holding in laughter as her shoulders shook. Eventually, she looked up at the ceiling in a way that reminded me of Leo.
“Sod off,” Leo grunted behind me, pressing his cheek against my head.
We were at the office, but he was showing physical affection toward me.
I couldn’t find it in myself to pull away.
My body needed what he was providing me right now.
My heart did, too.
“You’re never allowed to scold me for cussing again.”
I frowned at her, “What? Why?”
Mary raised her eyebrows, resting her hands on her knees as she arched toward me, “Because you’re fucking my cousin. You don’t get to break girl code, and then sit back on your high horse and scold me for dropping some colorful language on occasion.”
I parted my lips, dread filling my chest from her words, “I broke girl code?”
I really was the worst .
Mary nodded, her dark eyes studying me with an intensity I didn’t know what to do with, “But don’t worry, I forgive you. Because I’m a good person, and you’re both consenting adults.”
“This is none of your business,” Leo spoke, though his tone was less grumbly.
“She’s the one who offered the information.” Mary pointed an accusing finger at me again.
“I didn’t think—I shouldn’t have—”
“Shh,” Leo lifted one of his hands to cover my mouth, “I don’t care if Mary knows about us. I’m not upset by your slip of the tongue.”
I furrowed my brows, before nodding behind his hand.
“Especially because she gets your slip of the tongue—”
“— Mary ,” Leo scolded, but I could tell by the way his chest shook behind me that he was holding in a laugh.
Muscles that were clenched tight in my body were starting to loosen, one by one. It was a gradual adjustment, regaining control and ease in my limbs. Instead of pulling away, and getting myself together, I found myself slouching against Leo some more.
Mary studied the two of us, lifting her legs and wrapping her arms around her knees, “Does anyone else know?”
I shook my head.
“How long has this been going on?”
I sighed, lifting the covers to hide my face in them.
Leo adjusted a bit, pulling me closer to him, “It’s complicated.”
“Okay,” Mary rolled her eyes, “When was the first time you…” She inserted her index finger between a circle created with her other index finger and thumb.
I snorted, adrenaline still coursing through me. But my body was suddenly so exhausted from the attack I had just taken on, that I felt almost loopy.
Mary knew.
Leo was cuddling me in the middle of the office.
Nothing mattered anymore.
“Before he was interviewed.”
Mary’s eyes practically bulged out of their sockets, “Pardon?”
“We met the night before my interview with her and Signe,” Leo added, I felt him lean his cheek away from me, a thud indicating that he was now resting his head against the wall he was sitting against, “But then I got hired, and we kept things strictly professional.”
I rolled my eyes, “Until a few months ago when he bent me over—” Wait, no, I probably shouldn’t say that to Leo’s cousin . I cut myself off a moment too late, because Mary screeched, pulling her black sweater up over her head to hide from my words. It was comical, making me laugh as she pretended to gag underneath the collar of her sweater.
Leo was holding back his laughter again as his voice dropped near my ear, “She doesn’t need to know those kinds of details.”
I blushed, thoroughly embarrassed, “Sorry.”
I was ass at navigating basic social settings, I had no clue how to handle a conversation that included Leo’s cousin asking us some details about our sex life, but not wanting to know others.
Randomly, I thought about Mariam’s reaction when I eventually updated her on this particular development in my life.
“Is it serious?” was Mary’s next question, muffled by her sweater as she revealed her eyes to us.
I shrugged, my brain unwilling to process more for that question. Leo cleared his throat before managing to get out, “Haven’t gotten that far.”
“Ah,” Mary nodded.
Something buzzed on the ground, and as Leo shifted to pull his phone out from his pocket, I made my way to sit up so that he could. Without speaking, he tightened his other arm around me, keeping me there.
“I have a meeting in thirty minutes,” Leo murmured.
“I should get up.”
“You don’t have to,” Mary was starting to stand up though, “Take a beat.” As she finally got to her feet, she hesitated. Mary tapped her fingers on her pant leg for a moment, debating on something.
Then she lifted her head to look at me, “I’m not upset. I was shocked at first, and I think a little hurt. I don’t like feeling left out of the loop…but I shouldn’t have asked you what was wrong with you. That was unfair, to let my feelings control my reaction like that.”
I finally pulled out of Leo’s arms, even though he initially tried to hold me down against him for half a second, standing and dropping the throw blanket at my feet. I stepped toward Mary, who was already opening her arms for a hug when I wrapped both of mine around her.
“I’m sorry, too,” I murmured against her shoulder, “I don’t like keeping secrets, either.”
“I understand why you did, though.”
I sniffled, pulling back and sighing. Mary was now the second woman in the office I had hugged while tears were still stained on my cheeks, which reminded me—
“Don’t tell Signe,” I pleaded. Leo finally stood, grabbing the throw blanket and tossing it back into the basket with the others.
Mary furrowed her brows, “Why?”
“I need to tell her, or—” I turned to face Leo, who raised his eyebrows in question. Staring at him made me catch my breath. He had been wrapped around me for some time, but I hadn’t seen him since my slip.
His t-shirt was wrinkled from having me sit against him, and the movement of his arms straightening it out made me rest my hand on my collarbone.
“Or…?” Leo lifted an eyebrow.
“Does she need to know?” I asked, “I mean, we aren’t, like, dating —”
“Aren’t we, though?” was Leo’s reply. His dark brows lowered, and his clear blue eyes studied me through the soft light of the lamp.
Something blocked my throat, making me snap my lips closed.
Were we ? We went on dates , but did that mean we were dating?
“Oh…” Mary slowly stepped closer to the door, “I think I need to be, I don’t know, somewhere else.” And then she let herself out, the door latching closed. Leo and I were now stuck together.
Leo opened his mouth to say something, but his phone buzzed again. He sighed before removing it from his pocket and reading the notification.
“I need to reply to this,” he lifted his free hand to rub the corners of his eyes, inhaling a breath before looking at me, “Can we talk about this? After work?”
My heart started to race but for a different reason.
A reason that didn’t make me want to run away, but freeze. Stay here. In this moment.
Aren’t we, though ?
“Okay.” I managed to nod.
Leo nodded in return, pocketing his phone and stepping closer to me, “I know…I know we’re in the office, but…can I kiss you?”
My own brows twitched up as he stepped closer, closer. My space was officially crowded with his. My hands lifted to his sides instinctively, clutching the hem of his shirt.
“Yes,” I replied.
Leo cupped my face with both of his hands, “Thank you.” Then his lips gently pressed against mine. His kiss was gentle, smooth, and simple. And yet, something broke in me from this particular kiss. A dam, except a dam that wasn’t holding anything out. It was holding something very big, very real, deep inside of me. This feeling released, spreading from my chest to my gut, to my limbs. The tips of my fingers. The lips that met his with the same gentleness he gave.
He pulled back just enough to keep contact, his top lip teasing mine, “Thank you.”
“Thank you,” I repeated back to him. I thought I saw a smile twitch on the corners of his lips, but he bit his bottom one to hide it. With another quick peck, he released me and stepped out of the sensory room, digging his phone out of his jeans again.
And I stood there, dizzy.
I wasn’t ready to go back to normal. I wasn’t ready to deal with the rest of work.
So I pulled my phone out and set a timer.
I retrieved my throw blanket and crawled into the hammock at the farthest corner of the room. I instructed the speaker to play my instrumental playlist, and I worked on my breathing.
I would let myself freak out over what I was feeling for Leo for fifteen minutes, before I pulled myself together, and finished the workday.