Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
JACQUELINE
“Too much?” He asked through a heavy breath. It sounded like he was really exerting himself.
“No,” I gasped, pushing back into him, “You’re perfect.”
* * *
I spiraled all weekend.
I also FaceTimed Marco a lot. Perhaps that justified his grumpy greeting when I FaceTimed him again Monday morning before I left for the office.
“Oh my hell,” Marco answered on the second ring, “I’m still in bed.”
Samuel’s muffled groan echoed off-screen.
“How do I go to work today?” I asked, fidgeting with my car keys. I hadn’t pulled out of my spot yet, scared to even put my shoes on. Knowing the next step would be taking me to Leo.
“One foot in front of the other,” Marco groaned, laying an arm over his eyes, “Tits up.”
“I’m serious,” I groaned, my leg was bouncing, shaking my kitchen stool “We haven’t spoken since—”
“Do you love him?” Marco asked behind his arm.
“I don’t know ,” I replied.
“Okay, well, I can’t figure that out for you.” Marco sighed, removing his arm and leveling me with his dark eyes that matched mine, “You both have survived a lot during the workday, you’ll survive this, too. I promise he’s feeling more insecure than you are right now.”
“…Because he said it first?” I asked.
“Because he said it at all ,” Marco shook his head, “He’s made it clear he doesn’t expect you to say it back. The ball is completely in your court here. To open himself up like that, to make himself vulnerable to such a big rejection, is fucking terrifying.”
That…didn’t make me feel better.
“I just don’t know yet.”
“I think you do,” Samuel said, “But take some more time until you figure it out yourself. Bye, Jacqueline.” Then, the phone was tugged out of Marco’s hand before the call ended.
Crap .
A few seconds later my phone vibrated in my hand, and I tapped on the notification with greedy fingers, hoping it was something sweet and funny from Leo even though I was dreading seeing him in person today.
But no, it was an email.
From Vincent.
The subject line said, “You’re still a fucking bitch” and nothing else.
So, I tapped on his email address and blocked it. Just like I had blocked his number and social media accounts, pushing my childish ex to the back of my mind.
I didn’t care about the random jump-scare his name in my inbox should have invoked in me.
I didn’t care if Sun Steer employees whispered how much of an ice queen I was.
I cared about how Leo was doing right now. What he expected of me. What I wanted, which the more I thought about it, felt terrifying to ask for.
I huffed a breath, scraping my hands over my face, before setting a fifteen-minute timer on my phone.
I lay my forehead down on my kitchen counter, forcing myself to sit with my emotions.
Because in fifteen minutes, I would gather myself and force my feet to take me to work.
* * *
“I…think I need help.” My voice shook as I stood in front of Signe Lange’s desk.
Signe raised a dark red eyebrow, “Why do I have the feeling that this isn’t work-related?”
I tucked my lips in between my teeth before replying, “Because it’s not.”
Signe immediately perked up.
“Oh,” she wiggled her eyebrows while steepling her hands, drumming her fingertips against each other, “What do you need help with? Did you fall for a pyramid scheme?”
I shook my head, “I think I fell for a person, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
Her jaw dropped before her hazel eyes shifted to stare at someone behind me.
No, no, no .
But thankfully, when I turned around, it was Nicole standing there. Her bag was slung over her shoulder, and her oversized jeans hung low on her hips underneath her hoodie.
“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop—” Nicole shook her head, her black hair swaying with the movement, “I just…I…” she gnawed on her lips while her dark eyes dropped to the ground, “Nevermind, this is clearly a bad time.”
“What is it?” I asked, stepping aside so Signe could get a good look at her, too.
“I was—god, this sounds so frivolous right now.” Nicole shook her head again.
“Spit it out, Young,” Signe smiled with the words, making them sound more encouraging and less demanding.
Nicole looked up, her gaze bouncing between the two of us, “Violet said that you all were planning on having a girls’ night this week.”
It was true, I got the text from Signe last week, but I hadn’t officially RSVP’d. I haven’t gone to one in months.
“Yeah, they are,” I nodded, throwing a smile toward the CFO of Sun Steer, before turning to Signe, “I think I’d appreciate everyone’s help with this.” I drummed my fingers on Signe’s desk.
“You have to come,” Signe emphasized, holding her phone up in her hand, “Can I add you to the group chat?”
Nicole perked up, stepping closer to us, “Yeah.” Then she took Signe’s phone and added her number.
“I’m glad to finally have you join the sisterhood,” Signe stood from her desk, towering over Nicole and me, as she gently tapped both of Nicole’s shoulders with the corner of her cellphone, “I dub thee, a girl’s girl.” Nicole grinned at Signe’s theatrics, standing a little taller.
I snorted, “I haven’t been knighted yet.”
“Oh fu—I mean, really?” Signe shook her head, before turning to me to tap both of my shoulders with her phone, “There. A girl’s girl. Now that I think about it, I think Violet is the only one I officially knighted into the circle. I was super high the first night she came, but anyway, I should knight Jamie and Mary, too.”
Nicole and I laughed before she shouldered her bag and got ready to walk to her office, “Send me the details.” Nicole lifted her phone before waving goodbye with it and marching off.
I turned back to Signe, “Remind me what we’re doing again?”
“Watching the Pride and Prejudice movie,” Signe smiled proudly, “Everyone’s coming over to my tiny apartment. Boys aren’t allowed. Pajamas are mandatory. Edibles are optional, though.”
I smiled before I asked, “What about trauma dumping?”
Signe didn’t perk up at that, instead, her smile turned softer, more vulnerable, “Encouraged.”
* * *
“Where did you get this?” Violet asked, tucking her fingers underneath the sleeve of my cream-colored matching set. I didn’t really have pajamas. I mostly slept in oversized shirts and my underwear. I hoped loungewear was an acceptable substitution for the evening.
I pulled up the website I ordered the set from a while back. The brand was known for not having any paper tags sewn into their clothing and using materials that soothed sensory-sensitive people.
Like me.
“Oh, they make kid’s clothes, too,” Violet immediately pulled her phone out of her pocket to look at the website herself.
“Ahem!” Signe cleared her throat dramatically. She was wearing basketball shorts and an oversized t-shirt of her own, so I assumed my clothing met the standards of girls’ night, “Before we get started, does everyone have their snacks?”
“Yup!” Jamie and Mary both lifted their bowls, Mary with pretzels, and Jamie with Oreos. Violet lifted her package of gummy bears while scrolling on her phone, and Nicole lifted her bottle of red wine. We were all sitting in a semi-circle on various blow-up mattresses, blankets, and pillows we all brought. In front of us was Signe’s monitor on the far wall. Her studio apartment was one decently sized room, with her bed on the opposite wall of her kitchen. But it was homey.
“Excellent,” Signe nodded, “Now, has everyone who wants a gummy taken one?”
There was a knock on the front door, making us all perk up as a small blonde woman with freckles let herself into the space, “Hellur!”
“Eloise!” Signe sang, awkwardly hopping around all the bedding to get to her friend, “Hi!” Eloise stepped to the side of the door, dropping a bag of what looked like groceries, before pulling out a paperback.
Once the entryway was free, Taylor Desmond cautiously stepped through the threshold right as Eloise was telling Signe, “I just wanted to drop these off and have you sign this.”
My heart jumped into my throat.
For no other reason than because I knew Taylor was Leo’s friend.
Not mine.
“Oh, of course! Everyone, this is my girl, Eloise!” Signe dragged her through the room, “I invited her tonight, but I guess she has plans.” Signe rolled her eyes while Taylor chuckled, bracing a hip against Signe’s countertop and crossing their arms, “I haven’t met you, yet.” Signe added, holding out a hand to them.
“Taylor,” they nodded with a grin, “They/them.”
“Signe, she/her.”
“That’s a gorgeous fucking name.” Taylor’s brows jumped up. Signe milled around the kitchen in search of a pen to sign Eloise’s copy of her book. I still hadn’t read it, mostly because I had no desire to read a book about all the ways Signe imagined doing a coworker of ours, but hey, I loved that she was finding success in her field.
“This feels illegal,” Violet stood up to approach Taylor, who did a double take and grinned when they saw her, “It’s like seeing my teacher at the grocery store.”
“What the hell? How are you? How’s little Gracie?” Taylor joked, wrapping Violet in a hug. When Violet gave me her back so Taylor’s head rested over her shoulder, that’s when their eyebrows jumped.
Because their dark blue eyes had finally locked on me.
Shit .
“Wait, Jacqueline? That you, girl?” Taylor released Violet from the hug, and heat flamed my cheeks. On the other side of Violet, Nicole’s head turned towards me, her black hair swishing with the movement. I met her wide, dark eyes, barely acknowledging her own flushed cheeks, before I pasted on a smile and stood up from my seat.
“Hi, T,” I opened my arms when their body language made it obvious that they were going for a hug again.
“T, how do you know everyone in Orange County?” Eloise shifted her weight to one hip and crossed her arms, her light blue eyes bouncing between the two of us, then she turned to Signe who had returned with a pen, “I’m going to need a long, heartfelt message with your signature, thanks.”
Signe grinned before taking her book and getting to work.
“I worked with Violet and her daughter for a few years,” Taylor explained with a nod towards Violet, before looking back at me, “Jacqueline’s man and I play rugby together,” Taylor said with a grin, pulling me in tight against them. They smelled good, like clean laundry. I noticed how they didn’t mention the fact that they helped Leo surprise me with the experience of attending a secret pop-up rave. Perhaps that needed to stay a secret, so I didn’t mention it.
“Pardon me?” Violet spoke up right when Taylor released me, “You have a boyfriend? How did I not know about this?”
Taylor hesitated, their smile slipping a bit once they took in my facial expression, “Oh, shit.”
“It’s fine.” I flapped my hand, not wanting them to feel bad for assuming things.
“Who is your boyfriend?” Nicole asked, her eyes bouncing between Taylor and me.
Taylor scratched the back of their head, scraping against the shaven strands.
“That’s, actually…” I bit my lip, “What I wanted help with tonight. If you don’t mind me carving out some of girls’ night for myself.”
Taylor’s facial expression softened, “I’m so sorry. I just assumed.”
I shook my head at them, “It’s fine, I was going to bring it up anyway.”
“Oh my god just tell us who it is!” Signe slapped her book closed before shoving it in Eloise’s hands, “I’m dying here!”
Mary rolled her eyes back and released a loud, dramatic groan that gained the attention of everyone in the room, “Jacqueline and Leo are fucking. Leo is head over heels for her. Jacqueline hasn’t figured things out yet.”
I wanted a hole to open up in the floor and swallow me away from this moment.
But I braced my shoulders, fighting the urge to fold into myself under Mary’s blunt, but truthful, words.
Signe was silent, mouth agape. So were Nicole and Violet. Eloise and Taylor shared a look with each other.
“Okay, well, we better be going,” Eloise spoke up, shoving her book in her bag, “T?”
“Yeah,” Taylor replied with a nod, “I’m sorry, Jacqueline.”
“You’re fine,” I gave them a wobbly smile before they turned and delicately stepped over Nicole’s legs, “’scuse me.”
Nicole didn’t say anything, just shifted out of their way and kept her eyes on the floor. Taylor gave me one last wave goodbye before following Eloise out of the apartment.
Then, Signe practically threw herself down on the bedding with the rest of us.
“Girls’ night is officially in session,” she declared.
“Start from the beginning,” Violet demanded, “How did this happen?”
I inhaled a breath for confidence, before folding back into my spot on the floor and grabbing a throw pillow to hold against my chest.
And then I told them everything.
Starting from how we met in the bar, all the way to when Leo told me he loved me. I left out certain parts, assuming they didn’t want to know how far inside of me he was when he whispered those words to me.
I left out the part that involved Taylor, and the pop-up rave.
But everything else pertinent stayed, including my past. My ex-boyfriend. Leo punching him in the face, and never making me feel like Vincent did.
“I think that’s the scariest part,” I had been talking for a while, but all of their attention was on me, and even though I was sweating under my matching set, I was determined to see this through, “I like how I feel with Leo. How he makes me feel. How lucky I am to…to even be around someone as wonderful as him. When he told me he loved me—I don’t know—it didn’t feel devastating. It felt elevating.”
I finally lifted my eyes, locking with Mary’s. He was her cousin; I was worried that my friendship with her was forever ruined at this point.
Everyone was quiet, letting my story sit with each woman in this room, before Signe broke the silence, “Do you love him back?”
I had been asking myself that question the past few days.
Did I even know what love was? Was I capable of an emotion as big and strong as love? I thought I loved Vincent, but I didn’t. I was infatuated with Vincent but was eventually willing to let him go.
Leo, though, I wanted by my side. I wanted to hold him to me. I could see myself attending his rugby matches, staying at each other’s apartments, bickering over English verbiage versus American.
“I do,” I whispered.
Violet whistled, “Well, there you go.”
“But I’m—” my lip started wobbling, my throat tightening, my eyes watering, “I don’t deserve him.” I sniffed, wiping away a stray tear trailing down my cheek with my palm, “He’s so good. You know—” I waved a hand toward Mary, who was giving me a look I couldn’t decipher, since I hadn’t seen it on her before, “You know how good he is. He deserves the best. He deserves someone who makes him feel as wonderful and confident as he makes me feel. He’s bright, glowing, radiant energy. I’m just, not —we’re so different—”
“Stop right there,” Jamie spoke up, making me slam my lips shut. I sniffled some more, breathing through my mouth in an attempt to stop my tears. She waited for me to collect myself before continuing, “Mary and I are very different, wouldn’t you agree?”
I frowned, studying the two of them. Mary was wearing a black band t-shirt with black sweatpants, sitting with her feet on the ground so her knees could support her elbows. Her septum and lip piercings were glistening in the lamplight of Signe’s apartment. On her fingers, were various kinds of rings. Her black hair was pulled back, showing off all her ear piercings.
Jamie’s blonde hair was in a bun, no jewelry anywhere on her face or ears. Only a simple gold chain with the letter M hung around her neck. She wore a soft pastel pink sweater and heather grey joggers.
They were opposites.
“Yeah,” I nodded.
“But we make sense together, right?” Jamie reached a handout to grip Mary’s leg, and Mary shifted so she could tuck an arm behind Jamie, “No one is super confused as to why we are together, right?” Jamie asked that question to the room, raising her blonde eyebrows.
All of us shook our heads.
“Here’s the thing,” Mary sighed, stretching her legs out to cross one ankle over the other, “Leo does whatever the fuck Leo wants to do. No one can talk him out of something once he’s set his mind to it. He’s a stubborn bastard. Right now, Jacqueline, Leo wants you .” My heart thumped at Mary’s words, my teeth gnawing on my lips so hard I was embarrassed at how scarred they would be tomorrow, “It’s none of our business why or how he came to that conclusion. So you don’t need to set up some grand jury for us to determine how deserving of his love you are.”
My shoulders slumped, “I’m sorry—”
“Oh my god,” Mary rolled her eyes, “Do not apologize for falling in love with my cousin. Don’t you dare,” Mary leveled me with a look, “Do you love him, Jacqueline?”
I nodded, something burning in my stomach, feeling suspiciously like resolve, “More than anything.”
“Then you need to tell him and let the two of you be happy,” Mary shifted so she could pull her phone out of the pocket of her sweatpants, “So he’ll stop texting me .”
Signe cackled, leaning forward to look at Mary’s lock screen, which showed a number of unread texts from a contact named “Annoying Blood Relative.”
“What is he texting you?” Signe asked with a wide grin.
“Dude’s a mess,” Mary pocketed her phone, “I have never seen Leo this far gone for someone. Ever. You,” Mary pointed an accusing finger at me, “Made Leo a lovesick motherfucker. Jamie and I went over to his apartment last night just to make sure the guy ate something while he waited to hear from you.”
My stomach dropped, souring with the realization, “I’m so sorry—I had no idea.” I shifted, getting ready to go do something, but not knowing what. What could I possibly do at this hour?
“Stop it,” Signe placed both of her palms over her chest, “I can’t handle how cute he is. Oh my god.” Signe sighed, closing her eyes, “It’s almost enough to make me forget to rip into you for—heaven forbid —dating a coworker .” I shrunk in on myself under Signe’s scrutiny, because she had just reopened her eyes and turned her head to stare me down.
“I know, I’m so sorry—”
“Stop apologizing!” Signe threw her hands up in the air, “I’m just not going to look past the hilarity of you, Jacqueline Williams, having a secret office romance with a member of upper management not even a year after you told Zaid to never, ever start a romance with a coworker. What did you say to him? Something like, ‘there are seven-point-five billion people in the world. There is never a reason to get involved with someone at work’.” Signe clutched her stomach with her hands before cackling again, which was echoed by Violet and Nicole, “Oh, how the tables have turned .”
“You should do something big for him,” Nicole piped up. She had been reticent this whole evening, and I don’t think I was the only one surprised to see her suddenly insert herself into the conversation.
“I’m open to any suggestions,” I nodded, folding my legs closer, “Leo deserves something big. He deserves everything.”
Mary smiled at me as she crawled across the various bedding to push me over in a large bear hug, “That is why I think you are going to be good for him, Jacqueline.” She mumbled into my shoulder, “You appreciate him. You see him.” She pulled off of me, before adding, “Thank you for loving him.”
My eyes got misty again before Nicole sniffled.
We all turned to look at the CFO, surprised to see her looking emotional.
She shook her head once before sniffing again, “I’m so sorry—I just went through a super bad breakup and lost all my friends. I didn’t realize—I didn’t realize how much I needed something like this.” She waved around the room, before Violet reached over and wrapped Nicole in her arms as well.
“Thank you all for being my friends,” Violet added, squeezing Nicole tight.
“I love you all,” Jamie added.
“And no one loves love more than me,” Signe straightened in her seat, before rubbing her hands together mischievously, “Which is why we need to come up with something good for Jacqueline to do for Leo.”
Before anyone could add anything, Mary’s phone started going off.
“Is that a ringtone? Can our phones even do that still?” Signe asked with pure disbelief.
Mary rolled her eyes before pulling her phone out of her sweatpants and frowning at the screen, “I told you all, he’s a mess.”
“That’s your ringtone for Leo ?” Violet cackled, releasing Nicole from her embrace to properly laugh.
“Every Time We Touch” by Cascada was echoing from Mary’s phone.
An idea came to mind then, remembering Leo’s confession in his car all those months ago.
“Wait,” I spoke up as Mary silenced the call, watching as she thumbed a message on her screen instead, “I…I think I have an idea. Please tell me if it’s too embarrassing or not.”
“The more embarrassing the better,” Violet replied with a shrug, “There’s nothing like proving your love for someone else by sacrificing yourself on the altar of dignity.”
“First of all, I changed my mind, after we resolve this, we’re going to watch 10 Things I Hate About You ,” Signe high-fived Violet for her movie reference, before turning to me, “Now, tell us what you’re thinking.”