17. Secrets
17
SECRETS
S ummer clung to Brandon’s arm as they left the carnival. Part of her wanted to stay and enjoy the illusion of carefree happiness longer, but she knew it was time to face her nightmares. They didn’t talk as they passed townies and tourists caught up in the different games along the strip leading to the exit. They didn’t speak in the parking lot or during the drive to her parents’ home.
When they arrived, Summer noted her mom and dad were still out for their date night. She silently led Brandon around the house to the backyard. It wasn’t until they sat in the chairs on the patio that Brandon broke the silence.
“You’re making me nervous.”
She let an anxious snort slip from her lips. “You and me both.”
“It’ll be okay.”
“You don’t know that.” Summer leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes. “If I could wipe this memory from my mind, I’d never burden you with it.”
There was a scuffle as Brandon dragged his chair across the cement. He sat and took her hand in his. The warmth of his touch held a mixture of memory, comfort, and hope for the future. Summer wished she could say forget about it and keep her secrets .
“Blakely, you promised to tell him.” Griff became fully visible as he stood in front of her. He was in his charred state, and the smell of seared flesh mingled with the previously pleasant evening air. “I can’t be free until you’ve told him.”
Summer’s heart rate shot up. Not only did her future rest on this night, but Griff’s did, too. The tears flowed freely. She didn’t want the love of her life to hurt, but she also didn’t want her friend to be stuck in this half-existence where he couldn’t even control how he appeared to her.
“Summer?” Brandon’s voice was full of concern.
“See,” Griff growled and pointed at them. “He’s focused on you. Take the offer of love and support. Tell him what happened the summer you left.”
Summer's eyes widened as she stared at Griff. For a moment, she was back in the Humvee. The flames from the burning wreckage cast an eerie glow on his ghostly figure. She could hear the gunfire as if from a distance, and her palms grew clammy. Her heart pounded in her chest as she struggled to gather her courage. Brandon's concerned gaze only added to the weight of silence that hung in the air between them.
Are you going to stay while I do this ? She silently asked Griff.
“I’ll leave, but if you back out, I’ll be back,” he said as he faded from view.
Summer knew he hadn’t gone far. Taking a deep breath, Summer chose to trust Brandon with the truth. He deserved it; perhaps it would help her heal the last of her shredded heart.
Meeting his gaze, she said, “I don’t want to tell you any of this. My family didn’t know until they came to Germany. Telling them was—” She swallowed as she remembered her mother’s sobs and her dad’s clenched jaw and fists. “Hard.”
Brandon ran his fingers down her face until he held her chin. “I won’t run away.”
She shuddered. “You might.”
“You can tell me anything,” he said.
“Okay,” she whispered. But she couldn’t do it while looking at him .
Summer closed her eyes. “You remember how much I wanted to do something amazing before heading to college? The service trip would allow me to get out and see another part of the world and do something to help others.”
She paused to gauge Brandon’s attention. He leaned forward in his seat, all of his concentration on her. His gaze was concerned, but he nodded and squeezed her hand to encourage her to continue. She stared across the lawn toward the back fence and sucked in another breath.
“It was exactly what I thought it would be at first. I made friends, and we worked hard but had a lot of fun digging wells and repairing damage to buildings in the village. And then it was almost time to come home. One night, I had to use the bathroom. We were told never to go anywhere alone, but it was so late, and I didn’t want to wake up my tentmate.”
Brandon’s breathing hitched, and he squeezed her hand even tighter. She couldn’t look at him if she wanted to get through this.
“He grabbed me on the way back to the tent.”
She couldn’t spare a thought for what he was thinking or feeling because all her emotions over the ‘incident’ overwhelmed her: the fear, the pain, the shame. As she spoke, tears welled up in her eyes, and she once more wanted to hide from the world, to disappear completely.
“He…”
Brandon knelt in front of her, wrapping his arms around her. “You don’t have to say it.”
“I do. Holding it in has given him more power over me.”
“Okay.”
His heart pounded under her ear as he held her, and that gave her the strength to continue. “He shoved me to the ground. Kept his hand over my mouth so I couldn’t scream while he told me what he was going to do. What he’d do if I made a sound.”
Brandon’s grip tightened around her.
She continued, “We were on the edge of the camp. I could see the tents where the leaders were sleeping. I should have been safe. But I wasn’t. After, he just walked away as if nothing had happened.”
They shook as she cried, but Brandon didn’t say anything else. He simply held her in that awkward position that couldn’t be comfortable for him. Summer let him hold her together. She wished he would say something, but for the moment, it was enough that he hadn’t left her alone.
Eventually, her tears ran out, and a heavy silence enveloped them. Brandon took a shaky breath and returned to his chair, but he kept one of her hands in his.
“Say something,” she whispered.
"I don’t know what to say. I had no idea you were dealing with—that,” Brandon said softly.
His hands trembled around hers, and she hated putting him through this. Knowing he was imagining her attack. It was bad enough that she’d never forget what was stolen from her—that precious thing that she had wanted to give to Brandon.
“I—” He took a few deep breaths. “I wish I could have been there for you. To protect you, or at least to fight for you afterward. Summer?—”
“That’s why I left. I didn’t want anyone to know, and I felt so dirty that I knew everyone would figure it out.” She stared into his eyes. “I didn’t want you to know. You deserved better than…” She waved her hands in the air.
“Summer,” his voice held so much pain.
“I left to protect you and the memory of what we had. I didn’t want to ruin that because I didn’t think we could have a future anymore.”
“Summer.” It seemed he was stuck on repeat. And then Brandon stood abruptly. “I need some time to process this.”
The catch in his voice sent fresh tears streaming down her cheeks as her heart dropped to her stomach. Was he leaving? This wasn’t how she thought things would go after. Maybe it was what she feared, but she had convinced herself that he would stay to ask questions, comfort her, and tell her it didn’t matter. She needed to hear that he wanted her even though she was broken.
But he didn’t say anything else. Instead, he kissed her forehead and left her in the dark.
“Griff?” she whimpered.
“Give him time. He’s hurting right now, and my guess is he’s afraid of saying something that will hurt you.”
“I don’t understand,” Summer wiped at another tear. Would she ever be done crying over this?
Griff sighed. “Do you remember how I reacted when I learned about this?”
Summer sank back into her chair and let the sound of the cicadas wash over her. It had been early, before sunrise, and she couldn’t sleep. Griff had found her tinkering with one of the unarmored trucks. She had been exhausted from not sleeping due to nightmares, and he had pulled the story from her.
“Yeah. You stood with fisted hands and then—” she stopped to catch her breath.
“I went on a rampage and tossed the shop.” He laughed. “I can promise that whatever you’re thinking, it’s not what he’s thinking.”
“And what am I thinking?” she asked.
“That he left because you’re tainted.”
Summer nodded. That was the root of what she was thinking. “So…”
Griff materialized in the seat so recently vacated by Brandon. He was in his pristine form this time. “He wants to punch the face of the man who hurt you. Tear him limb from limb. But he doesn’t want to scare you with his anger. On top of that, he feels useless, like he failed you by not keeping you safe.”
“It wasn’t his job or yours.”
“Doesn’t matter. Any man worth his salt knows it’s our duty to protect our women.”
“Isn’t that a bit?—”
“No.” Griff cut her off. “It’s not. It is how we show respect.”
Summer closed her eyes once more. “What do I do now? ”
“Give him time to process, just as he asked. He’ll be back.”
“What if he doesn’t come back?”
Griff growled and said, “Have faith, Blakely.”
Brandon couldn’t breathe. Once out of town, he pulled into an overlook spot and cut the engine. He exited the car and paced in front of it, ignoring the view of lights shining in the valley below.
Summer, his light, had been hurt in the worst possible way. The thought of anyone touching her like that had his blood boiling. He wanted to make the man hurt until he begged for forgiveness. She hadn’t said who did it. Was it someone from the service group or a local? Was it too late to make him pay? How could he find out?
He sagged against the hood of his car. Did he even have a right to seek justice for her? He chose not to go with her on the trip, deciding that football training camp was more important. Then, he hadn’t even made the college team. Summer had needed him, and he wasn’t there for her. Is that why she didn’t tell him when she came home? He ran a hand through his hair, feeling a knot of guilt tighten in his chest.
“God, how could you let that happen to her? Why didn’t you make me go so I could protect her?” His heart was heavy with regret, and his mind raced with images of what she must have endured.
The pain in her eyes when she told him would forever haunt him, as would the vulnerability in her voice, the way she had trembled when she spoke. He had always known she was brave but had no idea how much so. The fact that she could still smile was a testament to her strength.
“I should have been there for her. I should have done something.” The thoughts circled in his mind like vultures, picking apart his sense of self-worth.
Even in high school, he had wanted to be her protector, her safe haven, but he had failed her in the most fundamental way. He should have tried harder to get her to talk to him after she came home.
Brandon's eyes stung as he clenched his fists, anger bubbling within him, not at Summer, never at her, but at the cruel world that had hurt her and at himself for feeling so helpless. He had always prided himself on being able to fix things, but this was something he couldn't change, something he couldn't erase from her past.
He thought about all the times they had shared, the laughter, the adventures, the quiet moments of connection. It hadn’t been enough. She hadn’t trusted that he would love her enough to hold and want her after such an ordeal.
How did he deal with that?
Hurt joined anger, self-blame, and sorrow. He loved her more deeply than he had ever loved anyone, and knowing that she had carried this burden alone for so long tore him apart. But he still wished she had turned to him instead of running away.
Brandon returned to his car with a sigh. He consciously tried to un-fist his hands as he turned it on.
How can I ever make this right for her? For both of us ? He knew logically that it wasn't his fault, that there was nothing he could have done, but his heart didn't understand logic.
“I need to talk it out.” He turned the car around and returned to town and his parents' house.