Chapter 20Hailey
CHAPTER 20
HAILEY
I stumble backwards like I’ve been punched in the face, except the punch is straight to the gut. All the air leaves my lungs, making me wonder if I’ll ever be able to breathe again.
Luke is engaged. With a baby on the way.
With my breakfast threatening to come back up, I know I need to get out of here. The woman stares at me, rather expectantly, and I try to give her a smile. I’m positive it comes out more like a grimace.
“Congratulations,” I mumble. “Excuse me.”
Turning to the doorway that leads me to the back, I hastily stumble in that direction, my mind spinning with this new information.
Out. Get out. Now. The words repeat themselves in my head like a drumbeat.
Today has been too much for me to handle and I need to leave before the others get back. Between my career being in the air, and learning of Luke’s double life, I need to leave so I can catch my breath and sort through everything.
The only problem is, I don’t have a vehicle.
Screaming internally, it comes out as a growl as I round the doorway to the rec and kitchen area. I need a ride. Someone who won’t call anyone associated with the firehouse right away. That means Savanna is out because she’ll run straight to Nate. Jordan, his sister, too. Possibly even Bryn, who used to be the head server at 10-42, Nate’s bar.
Quinn. I know the code to her locker; I could grab her keys and go. She’s not going to need her car while on shift anyway, and she’d understand. There’s no chance she’ll be a fan of Luke after learning the truth.
Fiancée. Baby. Good god.
My steps falter just before I reach the locker room, the door catching me before I land on my face. One small sob escapes without permission before I pull in a deep breath, knowing I need to keep it together long enough to get out of here. If I fall apart once I’m away from where someone will find me, so be it. But not until then.
My hands shake violently trying to get the lock off Quinn’s locker, and it takes me three tries before I’m finally in, fishing her keys out of her bag. Then I’m in my own locker, hurriedly getting changed, sending Quinn a text about her car, and throwing everything into my work bag without thought or care.
The initial shock of Luke having a family is starting to wear off and I can feel my heart beginning to crack. I know it won’t be long until it splinters all the way through, shattering into a million pieces that I’ll need to pick up. Again.
“Too much. Too much, too much, too much,” I mutter to myself, moving back through the firehouse the way I came. “Get out. Gotta go. Gotta go, and get out. Too much.”
While I want to escape out a side door to the employee parking lot, I know I need to let Captain Bernard know I’m leaving. Some small part of my brain is working well enough in the background to understand that. Even if it means going through reception.
I pause just before going through the doors, trying to pull myself together. Every second removed from finding out the truth is one second closer to me losing control. And on the other side of this door is Luke’s other half. The other half I thought I was. That I should be.
The second I open the door, the woman sitting in the waiting area looks up. Our eyes connect and it takes everything in me not to turn around to disappear out a side door without talking to the captain. I’m already unsure of my future, though, so I can’t risk anything else. I’m not sure if I could recover from losing Luke and my career in one day which means I must go forward.
“You can always go backward . You can always go back to where you came from, but where’s the fun in that? There’s no growth. No conquering what scares you.”
He always says I can go backwards, which is exactly what I’d like to do. Back to my little cocoon that was safe, stable, and didn’t bring anything that could harm me into it. Back to before I started giving Luke my heart again. Before my walls came down. Before he came waltzing into my firehouse. I want to go back to the days that I thought I hated him because they were so much easier than the fracturing of my heart.
I manage to get past the woman without her saying a word to me. Her eyes follow me the entire way along the narrow channel between the chairs and the long counter. Though I don’t want to look at her, I can’t help it.
She truly is beautiful. Even with lips that are too big for her face. She’s the type of woman that I’d associated Luke with ten years ago, before I knew him, when he was just some kid trying to get me to go on a date. Tons of makeup, which makes every part of her stand out, gorgeous hair that women would kill for, bronzed skin that probably has a summer glow all year round. Perfectly perfect. The complete opposite of me.
It takes thirty seconds to tell Captain Bernard I don’t need a ride, and then I’m out the front door, refusing to look in the woman’s direction again. Another minute and I’m in Quinn’s red convertible that’s over twenty years old but still in good condition.
I hate this car. A convertible is not what I’d consider safe, but I’m out of choices.
At least she left the top up.
I make it two blocks before I need to pull over onto a side street where I know the firetruck won’t see me. Where no one except a neighbor walking by might see me as the tears cascade down my cheeks. I fish a tissue out of Quinn’s back seat, dabbing at my eyes, but it’s no use. One tear leads to another which leads to another which eventually turns into a sob.
My thoughts are a complete disaster, bouncing around from problem to problem with no solution for any of them. My mom’s betrayal, Luke’s deception, the possibility of losing my job. Throw in stealing my best friend’s car, because it dawns on me that’s basically what I’ve done, and I can’t deal. I don’t even know where to begin sorting through everything.
My hands haven’t stopped shaking since I got in the car, and they don’t stop now as I reach for my bag, pulling out my new cell phone. Luke took me to replace the one still in my destroyed car. I’m a blubbering mess as I go through my contacts and pull up Cindi’s number, my best friend from all those years ago. Thousands of miles between us while she went to college and I was rehabbing tore through our friendship all those years ago, but we still keep in touch sporadically.
If I can’t talk to Quinn, or any of my other close-knit friends for fear of them running to Nate, then Cindi is the next best thing. I need someone to help me make sense of my life.
But as I listen to the phone ring, I come to another realization. One that sends a shiver violently through my body.
“Hey Hails,” Cindi greets, warm and cheery.
“Did you know?”
Confusion meets me. “Did I know what?”
“About Luke. All those years ago, did you know that my mom chose to keep Luke away from me? That he tried to get hold of me?” My voice gets higher with each word that comes out of my mouth, and I suck in a breath, trying to get a handle on myself before I become hysterical. “Did you know?”
Her silence tells me everything. A wail of turmoil thrashes through me, erupting from my lips, sending me bending forward over the console, my shoulders curling while I try to retreat into myself. If I make myself into a little ball, maybe it won’t hurt so bad.
“I was across the country,” she whispers when my sobs have quieted marginally. “I didn’t know what was going on. She told me it was the one thing I could do for you from where I was.”
“You lied to me,” I accuse on a gasping breath.
There’s a sound on the other end that tells me tears are close if they aren’t already falling down her cheeks. “I know. I’m so sorry.”
“He’s back,” I tell her, the words falling out of my mouth a mile a minute. I don’t know if I’m actually talking to Cindi, or if I just need the words out in the world because I can’t hold onto them any longer. “He’s back and he did what he did the first time, making me fall for him, but this time he has a fiancée and a baby, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t breathe.”
“Whoa, whoa. Hailey, slow down,” she urges, calmer than I would have given her credit for a moment ago. “Take a breath. Start from the beginning.”
And though I want to hate her right now, and I don’t forgive a single thing she did, I sit up and muster the strength to tell her everything. Because I need it out. Out of my head, out of my heart. Plus, Cindi was there from the beginning. She knew how much I loved Luke, and how much it destroyed me when he was gone. Even if she’s complicit with what my mom did, if there’s anyone who might understand, it’s her.
When I’m done, she cautiously asks, “Could there be another explanation for this woman?”
My lips form a tight line as I stare out the windshield unseeing. “Not one that would explain why he didn’t tell me about her.”
Another thought occurs to me, connecting a bunch of dots that were missing before. I gasp, covering my mouth momentarily as I work it out in my head. “Oh my god, this is what he was hiding from me. This is what he didn’t want to tell me that night.” My jaw snaps shut, my teeth grinding together. “I wonder if they had some crazy fight, and he decided to screw off so he could come find me. Or maybe he got cold feet about the wedding and baby, and needed to come find me, resolve some unfinished business.”
There’s a hum of breath that comes through the line, telling me Cindi doesn’t agree. “Hailey, I know I don’t know Luke now, but doesn’t it seem far-fetched that he’d move his entire life to a different state if that was the case?”
“How am I supposed to know? I had no idea he had a fiancée or a baby on the way. Obviously, I don’t know him at all.”
A thought that has renewed tears sliding down my cheeks. Slower than before, but no less painful.
There’s a long pause on the other end, and I can practically see my old best friend ruminating about how to say something. It was never often that Cindi didn’t just blurt things out, so this seems a little odd for her. I’m about to tell her to spit it out when she finally does it on her own.
“I think you need to take some time and really think about all of this. Sort yourself out. You seem overwhelmed by everything, which makes sense considering everything you told me. But then I think you need to talk to Luke. Or maybe talk to him before you sort yourself out. Things don’t seem right about this, Hails.”
The thought of talking to him right now isn’t something I can think about. She’s right, though. Sorting myself out is probably a good plan, and now that I’ve told the whole story out loud, I feel slightly more capable of doing so.
“I have to go,” I tell her, glancing at the clock. My appointment with Dr. Rinkins is in twenty minutes, and it’s at least fifteen minutes to get there.
“I’m sorry, Hailey. I know that doesn’t change things, but I thought I was doing the right thing.”
I swallow thickly around a lump of emotion in my throat. One more thing to add to the jumble in my head. “I don’t forgive you. Not right now. Maybe not ever.”
“I understand. I wouldn’t either,” she whispers, heartbreak and sadness laced in her words.
Without another word, I hang up, shutting my phone off, and sit back for a moment, staring out into the world through eyes that are sore, and no doubt red. It’s a quiet street without much action. The way my life used to be. The way I prefer it. These days I feel more like roadkill on the freeway, getting driven over time and again.
By the time I rally what strength I have left and head to my appointment, I only have a minute to spare. I’m normally early to things, so it doesn’t sit well with me when the receptionist leads me straight into Dr. Rinkins’ office without having me sit down and wait at all. When I walk in, the therapist looks up from her desk and smiles warmly. Glasses are perched on her pert nose which she pushes up into her blonde highlighted hair, gesturing to a chair on the other side of her desk for me to take. I do, but not because I want to.
“Hello, Hailey. How are you?” Dr. Rinkins’ tone is just as welcoming as her smile, but I don’t let it fool me.
The shaking stopped while I was talking to Cindi, but I’m jittery again all of a sudden. Nervous to be here. Maybe it was a good thing I had no time to sit and wait, stewing in my own thoughts of what being here meant.
I glance around the room, finding the tan, oversized chair I’m sitting in unnerving. A small love seat is angled in the corner of the room. Large cushions sit at either end, a cozy looking blanket laying over the top. I can’t help but wonder if anyone ever uses it, or if it’s just there for show.
It’s probably all supposed to be relaxing, comforting even, but I find it too cliché to feel either of those things. It all makes me antsy.
“Good. I’m good.”
I’m anything but good. What am I supposed to tell this woman? Should I be asking about my job? My tenure as a paramedic? Am I supposed to talk about the accident last week and how I could have died? Or maybe I should be telling her all about the two timing dirtbag that’s probably packing up the engine to head back to the firehouse, if he’s not already there. Or maybe I should save that and instead spill the anger I have towards my mother, and now my friend.
Jumping up from the chair, unable to sit, I move around it into the empty space in the office to pace with my thoughts. Yes, maybe I should tell her about my mother. I’ve been burying most of those feelings for the last week, hiding them away so I don’t have to deal with them, but maybe I should. Maybe getting some of that pent up frustration out would be a good idea.
Except if I’m going to tell anyone, I’d rather be telling my mother how much she ruined my life. Even more so with today’s revelations.
The way I see it, which seems pretty clear to me at this moment, if my mother hadn’t lied to me in the first place, Luke and I probably would have been together ten years ago. By now, I could be wearing his ring. Probably two of them when you count a wedding band. That baby of his would belong to me instead of some raven-haired beauty.
“Would you like to talk about whatever is agitating you?” Dr. Rinkins asks, bringing my attention to where she sits behind her desk.
I frown, pausing in the path I’m wearing in her carpet. “Do I have to?”
She smiles with the same friendly attitude as before. “Not if you don’t want to. We can spend our time talking about the weather if you’d prefer. Or you can spend it in silence, pacing my office if that’s what you’d like.” She waves her pen in my direction, leaning back in her chair like she’s getting more comfortable for our session. “It’s completely up to you how you want to spend this hour, Hailey. Just bear in mind that without talking to me about things, I probably won’t be able to clear you for work.”
“Will I be fired if I don’t talk to you?” My heart rate speeds up, my stomach churning. I’m not sure if I want the answer to this question, but I have to know where I stand.
The woman is trained in patience so there isn’t a hair on her head that gives an aura of being frustrated with me. “The short answer is no. The long answer is more complicated. Is that something that worries you?”
I’m sure this is some tactic to get intel on me and what I’m thinking, but I can’t stop myself from nodding at her question.
“I can assure you, you are far from being fired, Hailey. I’ve read through your file. You’re an exemplary paramedic.”
Relief floods me. Closing my eyes where I stand, I sag, breathing out a huge gust of air. One stressor gone, a million more to contend with. Maybe talking things out isn’t such a bad idea, but I’d still rather do it with the people who need to hear it instead of Dr. Rinkins.
I think.
Maybe.
Okay, maybe not everyone.
My mother, yes. Luke? Not so much. At least not now. The pain and hurt are too strong for me to think clearly when it comes to him. Maybe it would be better to wait until the anger comes. I’m less likely to let him in when rage is boiling inside of me.
I spend the rest of the hour walking back and forth in Dr. Rinkins’ office. She asks me a few questions here and there, but for the most part just allows me to pace. After the emotional release in the car, I’d expect to be exhausted, but instead I’m wired and raging over what my mother did. Little things just keep popping up in my memory from ten years ago when I was trying to get through a heartbreak that left me changed forever. My mom telling me it wouldn’t last forever. That there were plenty of other fish in the sea. Growing more concerned about me as each day passed but continuing to withhold information that could have changed everything.
I’ve never been one to get angry with her. Growing up as a teenager who didn’t get in trouble a lot, mostly because I was always home studying, I didn’t have any reason to be furious with her. I can’t say the same these days. It’s like everything I missed as an adolescent is rearing its ugly head now.
When I get out of the session, in which I don’t think I accomplished much, I get in Quinn’s car with one destination in mind. My mother’s house.
I’m ready to blast her with my full fury.
We haven’t spoken since before the accident, save for the text I sent her telling her to stop bugging everyone. Not for a lack of trying on her part. At this point, I think everyone I know has her blocked. She’s also been by the firehouse every day I was supposed to be on shift. Not to mention the notes she left at my door every time I went by my house to pick up more clothes to take to Luke’s.
Her car is in the driveway when I pull up, adrenaline shooting through my veins so strong it feels like my body is filled with blazing hot ice. Warm and cold at the same time, everything mixed together to combine in a steam that will scald anyone who comes near it. Near me.
Opening the screen door, I pound on the main one and wait for her to let me in. It’s the first time in my life I haven’t just let myself into the house. My childhood home.
Home.
Hah. There’s no home for me here. Maybe there’s not even a home for me in Bear Creek anymore.
Thumping on the door again when she doesn’t answer it as quickly as I like, I hear her yell from inside that she’s coming, followed by footsteps. The door opens a second later, a welcoming look on my mother’s face, followed by shock.
Good. Let her be shocked.
“How could you?” I seethe, my hands balling into fists so tight I know my knuckles are white.
“Hailey—”
“How could you?” I repeat with every ounce of contempt I feel, not wanting to hear the sound of my name on her lips. The icy fire rages inside me, licking at me to explode. “Do you know what you’ve done? What you did to me? What you put me through?”
She clutches her chest with one hand, reaching out for me with the other, her light green eyes wide with dread. “Hailey, please let me explain?—”
Taking a step back, there’s hatred in my words as I spit, “No! There is absolutely no explanation that would ever make me forgive you for this. I don’t want to hear that you were doing what you thought was best for me. It’s a crock of shit. You had no idea. You sat beside me while I cried my eyes out for months. You let me wish I was dead because of something you did! You made me think he deserted me. You let me hate him.”
“I know, I’m sorry, I?—”
“No,” I shriek, breathing hard, slicing a hand through the air. The nails on my other hand are biting so hard into my palm I fear I might break the skin. “You don’t get to be sorry. Instead, you get to live with the knowledge that I hate you. You took away the one thing I wanted most in the world after I’d had everything else taken away from me. And just when I thought I was getting it back, I find out it’s too late. So, I’m done.”
“Hailey,” she whispers, the pain in her voice enough to plunge a knife straight into my heart. Because she’s still my mother, and I hate hurting her, but I can’t have anything to do with her. Not after this. “Please.”
My head shakes, and I stumble back from the door. “I shouldn’t have come here.”
Turning, I flee from the house, scrambling to get into the car as quickly as I can. Shoving the key in the ignition, I peel out of the drive with the sound of screeching tires filling the quiet neighborhood.
Too much. Too much, too much, too much. Get out. Gotta go. Gotta go, and get out. Too much.
All I want to do is go home, pack a bag, and head somewhere that no one can find me until I’m good and ready to be found.