Chapter 17
KADENCE
Iducked, missing Drew’s fist as I spun on my heels and threw a jab his way.
He grabbed my wrist, pulling me into him.
Drew wrapped his arms around my front, squeezing hard.
If this wasn’t a part of our lesson, I would have been terrified.
I would have hated to be on the street with him if he had been the bad guy.
Panic seized my chest for a moment, but I took a deep breath.
I dug the heel of my tennis shoe into his toes before elbowing him in the ribs.
I grabbed his hand, spinning around and pinning his arm behind his back until he fell to his knees.
It had been a week since my last session with Dr. Williams, and I’d been hitting the gym hard with Drew to help keep my mind quiet.
To say I was okay would have been a lie.
This helped me focus, and it kept me away from my nightmares.
Dr. Williams said because I never processed what happened to me, it triggered this reaction.
Psychological scars were a beast, and it sneaked up on people in different ways.
Pain didn’t stop, but I wasn’t allowing it to control me anymore.
Therapy helped, but this helped more. I enjoyed focusing on something that would help me in the end.
It’s been a month since everything happened, and I still wasn’t okay.
It’s been two days since I attempted to sleep with Hunter, and failed, because my stupid heart wanted Blaize.
I hated myself because I wanted her as desperately as I did, but I wasn’t going to let my heart confuse pain for love ever again, even if I was miserable.
“You’re doing a lot better, Kadence.”
“I don’t know if I should be insulted or not.”
I grabbed his hand and helped him up. Sparing with him was getting easier, and I was learning a lot.
I knew it would come in handy if God forbid anything else happened to me.
Who knew that coming to a town where I knew nothing and no one would lead to so much pain wrapped in a pretty bow.
Maybe I should have moved to LA or something.
A vast population could have meant I could hide amongst the crowd instead of being a pimple on unblemished skin in Westhaven.
“It’s okay not to be okay, Kadence. You don’t need to force it.”
I sighed, tucking a loose strand of my blue hair behind my ear. “I’m not letting it define me, Drew. I’ve been living with trauma since I was six. I can’t let this affect me. I’m not weak. I’m not—”
“Kadence, you’re traumatized, and there is nothing wrong with that. Our pain tells a story, and showing vulnerability doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human. What happened to you is going to take time to heal from. You can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”
“I know it happened,” I snapped, wincing at how rudely it came out.
“Sorry…I was raped, but he’s dead. Caden is dead, too.
She held me back. I just want to live, Drew.
I’m tired of my trauma. Everyone looks at me like I am weak because I had a shitty life.
” I took a deep breath. “I appreciate everything you guys do for me, but this is my choice.”
He nodded. I still didn’t know what had happened to him to preach like this. He spoke from experience, but I knew prying into his life wouldn’t be the way to get answers. “When you need to break, shatter. Don’t let it fester inside you. I also think you need to train with Hunter.”
I arched my brow. “Why?”
“Not my story to tell, but I see a lot of you in her.” I didn’t like the cryptic notes behind that, but Hunter would be someone I would enjoy sparring with.
“I’ll look into it. Let’s go home. I need a shower and a nap.”
A scream ripped through me, and my bedding became a tangled mess as I fought an invisible force.
My hand went to my chest as I attempted to control my breathing, but this panic attack had me in a vice grip, strangling me and taking my breath.
The door slammed open before muscular hands wrapped around me and a calming voice pulled me back to reality.
Drew was the only one home per Annika’s request. It had been touch and go, but he had a calming aura, and I knew he wouldn’t hurt me.
In the back of my mind, the reality that I thought the same thing about Hawke, how he knew everything that happened to me and still broke my trust, lingered.
Drew was different. He had a need to protect written all over him.
“Hey, it’s okay. Take deep breaths. No one can hurt you.”
My breaths were broken, but I took them until the panic slowly left my body with each one. I fell back, covering my eyes with my forearm. I hated people seeing me cry. It made me feel weak. “Thank you.”
“Of course.”
“I hate you,” I joked. “Preaching to me in the gym, and now look at me.” I grabbed my hair, pulling it back into a ponytail. “I didn’t know why they were still this bad. They weren’t this terrifying, or this detailed before.”
“Do you want to talk about them?”
I moved my arm and looked into his blue eyes. “I saw Blaize. She…” I squeezed my eyes shut, hating the memory that it caused. “She watched and laughed at my misery, my pain. Even when I begged her to help me.”
“None of it is real. Blaize may be a bitch and reacted horribly to Layla’s death, but she would never allow someone to be hurt like that. That woman will scour the Earth to kill a man who hurts someone she cares about.”
I laughed bitterly. “She has to care about me in order to do something like that. I’m nothing to her.”
“I wouldn’t say that. I’ve known Blaize for a long time.
She helped me out of a touchy situation after I went on a bender.
Blaize has never acted like this with anyone.
I catch glimpses of the way she looks at you, and it’s not in disgust or hatred, it’s with love.
She looks at you how she used to look at Olivia. ”
“Blaize doesn’t love me. She said it herself. That night we had together was for me, for my pleasure. I’m just an employee…a pest in her perfect fucking life.”
“You don’t believe that, either.”
“I don’t know what to believe anymore.” This was why I wanted no one to know what had happened to me. I didn’t want pity or anyone to change how they saw me. I wanted normalcy back, and I guess it was time to get off the self-pity bus and take control of my life back.