Chapter 18
BLAIZE
Ioften wondered what my life would be like if I had been raised by different parents.
Who would I have been if I hadn’t been born to a criminal and a gold-digging whore?
What if I had never turned to a life of crime and murder at the fruitful age of seventeen?
What if I stayed with my grandmother in Portugal?
My grandmother hated my mother for the way she acted, but I was an innocent in their fucked-up life.
Everything I’d done in my life shaped me to be the person I was now, and right now, I was a fucking idiot.
Annika would kill me, but I didn’t care. I needed to fix this with Kadence. She needed time, but I gave her a month. I didn’t deserve her forgiveness, but neither of us needed to hinder this anymore.
Drew
Kadence is having nightmares, and they include you.
Me
What do I need to do?
I felt daft asking Drew of all people what I needed to do, but if anyone understood this, it was him.
This was not my forte. Sex, pleasure, and murder were my areas of expertise, not repairing the damage I caused to someone that I cared about.
I had to stop lying to myself and accept the fact that my icy heart was thawing and learning to feel something besides anger and hatred.
Of course, she wouldn’t forgive me. A month had passed since the incident…my mistake which traumatized her.
This was a day I never thought would happen, but there was this nagging feeling in my chest every time I closed my eyes and saw that terrified look etched into Kadence’s features. The sound of her scream echoed through my ears and rattled my aching heart.
I really fucked up.
Drew
You need to talk to her. Annika will kill you, but this needs to be done. She can’t sleep longer than a couple hours without waking up, screaming in a panic attack. Regardless of what everyone thinks, she needs you.
Fuck.
I caused this, and I was going to fix my mistake, one way or another.
I needed to let myself be vulnerable and break down my walls so she could see every part of me, even the hideous parts I cast aside. Emotions were fucking complicated.
I was perfectly content with keeping my emotions bottled up, taking out my anger on traitors and rapists who invaded my territories.
It wasn’t the healthy coping mechanism, but it fucking worked until she crashed into my life like a fucking hurricane, and every emotion I locked inside started to drown me.
A normal person would have gone to a shrink, but I was far from normal.
I was fucked up with so much blood on my hands, I could scare Bundy.
If I got help for my issues, they would have sent me to prison.
And talking to Hunter? That kid had enough on her plate.
She didn’t need to dive into my fucked-up brain and see how I handled my life.
She thought I was the badass who saved her, who mapped out her life.
When in reality, she was keeping my unstable brain stable enough to function.
I’d never tell her, but she’d been keeping me afloat these last few years.
Drew
Come over tomorrow morning. I’ll talk to Annika and make sure she’s prepared. Fix your mistake, Blaize.
Blaize
I’ll be there.
Hunter and Drew both keep me updated on Kadence. She’d been sparring with Drew for hours at the gym down the street from their apartment. Drew said it was helping with her pain and releasing her anger. I could only imagine what she was imagining when punching a bag.
Hunter kicked my door open and came storming in like she owned the place. “Are you done being a fucking dumbass?” Hunter asked.
“Are you okay?” I asked her, ignoring her question.
“Nuh huh, Blaize, answer the damn question. We’ll worry about my mental health later.”
I sighed, running my hands through my hair. “I am. I’m sorry. If Kadence doesn’t want anything to do with me, I have to accept it. I hurt her. My pain and grief is causing me to hurt everyone I love.”
She beamed wickedly. “And thank you.” She pulled out her phone. “I am saving that for my record for when you’re a fucking idiot. I’m fine. I’m in a better headspace now. Just so you know, Kadence and I didn’t have sex.”
I didn’t know if I should be relieved or pissed off at myself even more. “I wouldn’t be mad if you did.”
“Yeah right. You were pissed, but didn’t have a right to be pissed. Kadence couldn’t do it.”
I didn’t know how that should make me feel. Now I knew why she said what she said. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because it’s time for you both to stop being stubborn. Kadence is hurting, and you are suffering. It’s time to talk. It’s been a month. I know Kadence wants you to hurt, but at this point, you both need to talk. She can stab you later.”
I rolled my eyes. “Kadence is having nightmares that include me. I know what I did in her reality, so I can only imagine what I’m doing in her dreams.” I sighed, rubbing my temples. “These emotions are why I keep my shields up.”
“Yeah, and maybe that’s why Olivia brought Kadence into your life.” I glanced at her, and she shrugged. “You are a lover at heart, Blaize. You loved Olivia and Charlee. And burned the world for them. You and Kadence had an instant connection.”
“I don’t like this version of Hunter.”
She laughed. “Call me the matchmaker. I am also sick and tired of dealing with your drunk ass. You deserve to be happy—after Kadence also kicks your ass for hurting her like you did. I also am selfish and eventually want that threesome, so I’ll play my cards right.”
“I’m going to see her tomorrow. Drew told me to.”
“Annika is going to murder you the moment you walk into her apartment.”
I shrugged. “It is what it is. I’m done being a coward.”
“Do you want me to go with you? I can keep them distracted.”
I scrunched my nose. “You’re not sleeping with your brother's girlfriend so I can talk to Kadence.”
“First off.” She made a gagging noise. “I love Drew, but I am not eating pussy where…anyways. I’ll be there as a buffer for you two. Kadence trusts me, so I can help you talk to her.”
I contemplated it. “No. I’ll be okay. I need to do it myself.”
“M’kay. I’m going to see Everly. Don’t need me for anything.”
“Why do you sleep with her?” It was something I’d been curious about for a while now, but never asked.
“She doesn’t want anything serious—just sex and pain. My type of girl. She was a trooper when I showed up at her house after I brought you home.”
I looked at her. We both knew how kink worked, and using it to cope when we were triggered wasn’t the correct way to do it. “Hunter, did you hurt her?”
“No. Not intentionally. I’m a sadist, Blaize. I’m not going to hurt her because I had a flashback. You taught me well.”
I nodded. Hunter was better than me when it came to controlling her emotions and her trauma. “Go have fun. I’ll be here.”
Thirty minutes later, I was showered and my nerves were settled.
I grabbed the neck of my whiskey bottle, but instead of drinking any, I capped it.
Liquor was not what I needed tonight. Alcohol became a crutch, a coping mechanism when I refused to use kink, and now it had hurt someone I cared about.
I needed to sleep so I could see Kadence with a clear head, but I knew rest would elude me tonight. I wasn’t sure what to expect in the morning, but I’d do whatever it took to get her to talk to me.
I walked downstairs, expecting to see Annika working, but since the incident she’d cut her hours to take care of Kadence.
Annika was a loyal friend, even if her bratty attitude boiled my blood.
I wouldn’t expect anything else from that girl.
She was always passionate about the people she cared about, and Kadence was her best friend.
With Layla gone, Fallon still in the hospital, and my men grieving, the BDSM club was closed, but we just opened the strip club a few weeks ago.
My girls wanted to come back to keep their minds busy, and they said Layla wouldn’t want them moping around in her memory.
My employees would use the rooms if they wanted to, but I wouldn’t allow any patrons in.
We would open again in a few weeks when we could focus on kink and not everything going on around us.
Damon was assisting me with men to protect my people while mine grieved.
Someone was trying to hurt me, and they were doing it by targeting the people I cared about.
My club, my motorcycle club, the people who worked for me were people I would burn the world for.
I was mortified that this person would hurt Kadence, even if she was still pissed at me.
I couldn’t be angry at her for her feelings. I hurt her, and I had to deal with the consequences and suffer for my actions.
My phone rang, and I glanced at the screen. My heart leapt from my chest when I saw Kadence’s name. I answered and she sobbed into the receiver, then I think I heard her fall to the ground. I was already out of the door with the keys to my SUV in my hand. “Kadence, what’s wrong, baby?”
“I-I n-need y-you.”