Nightmares and Monthlies
“Dragon Queen…”
A voice lilted through my head.
“You think you’re safe, tucked away in the mountains where no one can find you?”
My eyes popped open, and all I saw was darkness. Had the lanterns gone out? Who was in my room with me? Why hadn’t Cole noticed there was someone here in my chambers?
“Once you’ve let me into your head, I can always find my way back. There is nothing you can keep from me. All I have to do is wait for you to fall asleep, and you’re an open book for me to read with ease…”
No, there was no way the Lost King could get inside my head this far away. It just wasn’t possible. I had to be dreaming. This was my mind playing tricks on me. Jade warned me there would be nightmares. Could this be what he was talking about?
“Poor little queen doesn’t even have the support of her leaders. How can you even trust that they won’t sell you out just to get rid of you like Richard did?”
“You’re not real,” I screamed into the darkness. “If you are, then it proves how much of a coward you truly are if you keep hiding in the shadows. Face me like a real king, and I’ll show you how strong I am.”
“Pretty words from a pretty woman. It’s too bad I don’t enjoy the fairer sex because I feel you would be a delight to break.” As he talked, his words seemed to almost caress my skin as if it were his hand ghosting down my curves.
I shuddered at the sensation, feeling nauseous at the unwanted contact.
Every day, I thanked whatever gods would listen that a woman’s virtue was paramount.
Otherwise, I know my mother would have also stolen that from me.
Instead, I feared it, knowing that if I were found deflowered, I would be cast out or even killed, no longer of any value to my mother.
So even though I knew he wasn’t really here and couldn’t hurt me in that way, the panic that coursed through my body making my heart pound like a drum was very real.
“Not so brave now, are we, Dragon Queen? Everyone has a weakness, but are you willing to find out what that weakness is and extort it for your own gain? That is why I’m going to win.
I won’t let anything or anyone get in my way, even if I have to walk over the entire nation’s corpses.
I will have my crown and rule over this land just as I have with Errit.
Then I’ll move on to Utros and Creisal, leaving you nowhere else to hide but the dragon wastelands.
No one can survive their harsh climate.”
“No, I will not let you do this. Whatever it takes, I will become the queen who can save this world from you.”
His laughter filled the darkness, the sound clawing against my skin, causing me to cry out.
“Cassarah, wake up,” Cole bellowed at me, shaking my shoulders.
Slowly, my eyes began to clear, and I could see his terrified face leaning over me in the soft light of the lantern.
I gasped, taking in a deep breath as if I’d been holding it during my dream.
When I exhaled, it came out more like a sob.
I reached up with both hands and curled my finger around Cole’s shirt, needing to feel he was real, here with me, and I wasn’t trapped in the darkness with the crazed man who thought himself a king.
Cole wrapped his arms around me, pulling me tight to his chest, allowing me to hide my face in his neck.
“Shh, little mouse, I’ve got you. Nothing’s going to happen to you with me at your side, I promise,” Cole whispered as he stroked my back gently.
This was exactly what I needed, and I broke down, letting out all the fear I’d felt while trapped in that dream.
He just continued to hold me and whisper in my ear, but I was so lost in my head, I didn’t really hear it.
Feeling his constant touch grounded me as I tried to pull myself back together, slowly but surely.
When I stopped crying and my breathing calmed, I expected him to let me go, but he didn’t.
Instead, he lifted the sheet and tucked me into his side as we lay back down.
My body sagged with relief that he wouldn’t leave me, even after I’d gone all hysterical on him.
The need to know someone was truly here with me was strong, and I was grateful he knew what to do without me asking.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” he asked after a moment, stroking my hair as my head lay on his chest.
I nuzzled into his chest, taking a deep breath of the calming, deep pine scent of our mountain home.
“The Lost King was taunting me. He got inside my head, Cole. He tried to get me to kill Lord Everett to prove he could control me. If Vasin hadn’t arrived in time, I would have done it. I’d have been a slave to that madman.”
“What was he saying in your dream?”
“That he knows what’s in my head, like our location and the fact the clan leaders don’t want me.” I moved my head to stare up at Cole’s face. “He asked if I would be willing to do whatever it takes to beat him, even if it was to the point of innocents being killed.”
“How did you answer him?”
“Whatever it takes is what I said, but I won’t cross that line. If I did, I would be no different than him, Cole.”
He didn’t say anything, just held me tighter and continued to run his fingers through my hair.
Eventually, I fell back asleep. When I woke up, I was alone in bed with Becka bustling around the room, dumping large buckets of steaming water into the bath. Groaning as I rubbed the sleep and grit from my eyes, I sat up, looking around the room to see if he was still here.
“I sent everyone out because you need a bath,” Becka shared when she caught me searching. “I know you don’t like it when we help you, but we can’t let your leg get wet, so this will be easier if you just sit there.”
“Good morning to you too,” I mumbled, shifting so I sat on the edge of the bed and swung my legs for my feet to rest on the floor.
Becka turned to look at me with a hand on her hip and a scowl on her face. “You’re getting soft already. This is way later than you normally get up.”
“I didn’t sleep well last night, and being in a cave means I have no sense of time in this damn room,” I grumbled, feeling testy.
Becka stalked over to me, grabbed both sides of my face, and forced me to look up at her. “Could it be? Is Cassarah having a bad day and showing her emotions for all to see? No, not the perfect Lady Cassarah who suffers in silence like all the great noble women.”
My temper flared at her teasing, and I jerked her hands away. “Leave it be, Becka. I’m not in the mood to deal with your badgering about my habits.”
“Wait, is it that time of the month for you already?” Becka looked at me surprised and checked the front of my nightgown to see if there was proof. “Oh, man, the boys are going to be in for a treat if it is.” She laughed as she pulled me up to stand.
I refused to say anything, but I feared she might be right.
Ballard’s wife, Helena, had been giving me herbs to drink every day with my evening tea, and I’d already been a week without them.
She did warn me that I couldn’t be on them forever, but we both agreed it was smart while training not to have to deal with my monthly bleeds.
It would now seem I was going to get that part of my life back after I’d all but forgotten about it.
“Couldn’t I just start taking the herbs to get it to stop again?” I asked, my eyes begging Becka to tell me I could. “I do not need this to happen right now when I’m dealing with the clan leaders and on the brink of war.”
“Sweetie, you’re the queen. You’ll always be dealing with idiots and on the brink of war. You managed to deal with it before you left home, so I’m positive you can do it now,” Becka countered.
I all but growled at her as I sank into the steaming bath with my bad leg draped over the side. It was extremely uncomfortable and awkward to manage, but that didn’t slow my best friend down one bit.
“Did you forget how that was managed?” I snapped. “I was locked away in my room for the week until I was suitable to be seen back in public. The only person I interacted with was you.”
“It will be fine. Every woman in the world has to deal with this, and none of the clan’s women get locked away.
We’ll just warn the rest of the guardians that you might be a little more unpredictable and leave it at that.
They will be smart enough to leave it alone, and if not, we have May to slap them upside the head.
You will need to let Alto know, though, so she can get you new herbs to make sure you don’t get pregnant. I doubt you’re ready to be a mother.”
I laughed at that. “You need to bed a man to accomplish that, and for that to happen, you have to have someone interested.”
Becka paused in her scrubbing of my scalp.
“Cassarah, I know you aren’t that blind.
You have at least three men mooning over you like lost puppies.
Not to mention that I know Cole was in your bed last night with you.
” My head snapped to look at her, eyes wide as I gaped at her like a fish.
“Yes, I know. You had a nightmare, and he was there because you asked him to be, but that is a slippery slope, my friend. You let them into your bed, and it’s much harder to say no when the heat of the moment takes over. ”
“Are you saying you’ve been with a man?” I gasped, shocked at the idea.
“Ha, ha, ha. Yes, you little prude, I’ve been with a man or two, if you must know.
Women of the clans are far freer with our bodies than noble women.
We don’t see ourselves as breeders to gain riches through our offspring.
Sleep with them, keep them if you want, or toss them back into the wild.
It’s our choice. Now, do that far too regularly, and you’d be known as easy, and it might make settling down harder, but no one will stop you.
Hell, you’re the woman who gets to pick however many her guardians she wants to be with.
Although I’m not sure how that will work this time since they are magically bound to you instead of choosing the other way,” Becka mused as I sat in stunned silence.
Of course, it was no surprise I was expected to pick a husband or husbands from my guards, but to hear her talk about how free every other woman was shocked me.
Being so focused on training, I didn’t really have time to study the social norms of all the clan members in Raven Rose.
I was too focused on learning the past and how to be the queen.
This revelation was so foreign, yet interesting and liberating to know.
I wouldn’t be locked in a room for my monthly bleed, nor was I considered unclean from it, either.
By the sounds of it, everyone treated it as normal and moved on, not needing to draw attention to it.
Finished with the bath and feeling better about things, Becka helped me get dressed and prepared me if I did start bleeding. Once again, everything seemed far more manageable with pants holding everything in place, making me feel more at ease.
“What do you say about going to the main area and eating breakfast with everyone?” Becka asked as she made quick work of braiding my hair.
I smiled up at her through the small round mirror. “I think that sounds like a wonderful idea.”