Chapter 3 - Blake
BLAKE
BunnytheKiller.
I might be a deadly arsehole, but I know who’s on my team. There’s Benny, but I somehow doubt this is the same person. And although several men would know a joke if it hit them in the face with a wet fish, I don’t think any would call themselves BunnytheKiller.
Benny wouldn’t like it.
I consider having Aaron—the new operations manager—deal with it, then hesitate.
Or maybe Clive, my second-in-command? Hmm.
It’s not that I don’t trust them, but if we do have an intruder, deliberate or accidental, I want to be sure they’re dealt with properly.
If Clive or Aaron is responsible for this themselves, there’s a risk they’ll cover it up. It’s better to sort this personally.
Blake
Hello Bunny.
They take a moment to respond. They read the message, though, the little ticks changing colour.
BunnytheKiller
Hi Boss!
Interesting. You can’t see someone’s real-life information, but I just have this instinct that Bunny isn’t one of my men.
Blake
What do you do, BunnytheKiller?
BunnytheKiller
Hint’s in the name.
Blake
I need it explained.
BunnytheKiller
No one expects a murder bunny. Makes me stealthy.
Okay, BunnytheKiller has my full attention now.
Blake
Do you also do the other thing bunnies are known for?
BunnytheKiller
At it like rabbits.
I unalive people for a living. Fucking them first feels rude. And inconsiderate to any potential children.
Laughter bursts out of me.
Children. It’s ambiguous what they mean exactly. But if they fucked, killed their partner, then had kids, that would make the victim a male? I wonder if this is a woman.
Blake
You’re an assassin and worried about babies?
BunnytheKiller
Hmm. I prefer alternative job titles.
Blake
What’s wrong with “assassin”?
BunnytheKiller
So crude
ASS ASS IN.
Blake
Sounds like a rap song.
Or an invitation.
BunnytheKiller
If it’s that dry, it’s not a come-on.
I said ASS ASS IN. Not ASS ASS IN!!!!! :D
Details matter, Boss.
I stare at the messages, wondering if I’m reading a foreign language.
Is she young? Am I too ancient to comprehend the social nuances of the emojis and correct grammar?
I’m only forty, but I don’t get out much with anyone, never mind young women who would only be interested because I’m powerful and rich.
But I’m having too much fun with BunnytheKiller to allow thoughts of my age and how long I’ve been doing this lonely job to derail me.
As head of Norwood, I don’t fuck up. I don’t accept anyone else fucking up. And I definitely don’t chase down mysterious possible-intruder assassins with a cute sense of humour.
But maybe I’ll make an exception.
Blake
Understood. What do you call your job, then?
BunnytheKiller
I call it PUP.
Blake
PUP?
BunnytheKiller
Problem Unaliving Procurement.
Procurement makes it sound fancy.
And legal.
Blake
PUP is better than ASS ASS IN?
BunnytheKiller
Every day of the week and twice on Sundays, yes.
Blake
ASS ASS IN on Sundays would be frowned on, for sure.
BunnytheKiller
Strictly no ASS ASS IN on Sundays.
Or unaliving.
Got to have some moral lines.
Blake
And a day of rest.
BunnytheKiller
Not a job you want to go into tired.
I find I’m smiling, and adjust my expression back to my customary scowl.
Blake
I haven’t seen you on the team before.
BunnytheKiller
I’m new.
Blake
Who hired you?
Because that’s what I do. Though Norwood has expanded over the last few years, and I’ve had to delegate a bit. It’s not impossible that someone was hired without my say-so. But it’s unlikely.
BunnytheKiller
I did some work for a guy a while ago, and he messaged me about this.
Perfectly evasive.
Blake
What’s your name?
BunnytheKiller
Bunny.
Blake
Your real name, Bunny.
BunnytheKiller
Can’t tell you that, I’d have to kill you.
Obviously. But the hunger to know more about Bunny isn’t just from the necessity of protecting my Norwood mafia interests. When was the last time I was engaged and curious about someone? I’m fascinated by BunnytheKiller.
I scroll back through the new group chat, and click on Bunny’s name. There are no further details available. Stupid app.
Blake
Meet me.
BunnytheKiller
I only meet my targets, and I don’t want to have to kill you, Boss. Makes it hard to get paid.
Logical, especially if Bunny is a woman. This is still a sexist industry, despite some of the deadliest assassins London has ever seen being women. But mostly, the London Mafia Syndicate wives are happy to let their men think they’re in control.
So who is this? I ponder on the best way to manage discovering more about my bunny.
My?
Huh. Well.
I run through possibilities—Threats, playing along, calling her bluff. I play a dozen scenarios before I realise I haven’t been so engaged with anything, work or otherwise, for years.
I opt for a test.
Blake
I have a special task for you.
BunnytheKiller
At your service.
Blake
I was thinking about taking out the London Maths Club. Think you could do it?
I sit back and wait. If BunnytheKiller has any sense, she’ll panic.
Taking out the London Maths Club, also known as the London Mafia Syndicate, is a suicide attempt.
They might be nauseatingly in love with their wives, to the point that the organisation is named after the time one of them pretended they were part of a maths society rather than a mafia boss.
It’s tempting to think that because they’re soft on their women and have been known to do secret Santa, that they’re not dangerous.
That would be a mistake.
BunnytheKiller
Nah, I can’t do that.
Blake
Are you telling me no?
BunnytheKiller
Beneath you, don’t you think?
I bark with unexpected laughter.
Blake
You’re scared.
BunnytheKiller
Of virgin maths nerds who meet up to discuss the existence of zero? No. I pity them, and their algebra.
I pause. Interesting. Virgin maths nerds is a logical insult… Unless you know that most of the members of the Maths Club have an outrageous amount of children. They’re hardly virgins.
Does Bunny know they’re mafia bosses? Perhaps she’s out of her depth.
Blake
You’re not an assassin, BunnytheKiller.