Chapter 11
Iheard the front door unlock, causing me to look up from the nonsense playing on my TV.
I’d been on this couch since yesterday morning.
The only reason I was out here was because I was tired of laying in my bed.
The TV served as nothing but background noise because even though I was looking at it, I had no idea what was going on.
Today was a rough day.
I didn’t have the energy to do anything but lie around. My Grams came over to clean and dress my wound and fix me something to eat, but after three bites, I didn’t want it. My stomach was cramping because I was hungry as hell, but I didn’t have it in me to consume anything.
My hair was in the same curls from the funeral, but they were matted and all over my head at this point. I’d been in the same robe for the last two days and I hadn’t slept, but I wasn’t physically tired. I was just… numb.
Everyone had been trying their best to get me to leave the house, if for nothing else, for fresh air, and I refused. I sat here with the blinds and curtains closed, basking in the darkness that matched the way I felt inside.
The door opened and Titan walked in. For a moment, we just stared at each other. I hadn’t spoken to him in a week, and honestly, I expected it. He’d been distant and withdrawn since the funeral.
“How long have you been sitting here?” he asked, tossing his keys on the table.
I shrugged.
He grabbed the remote and turned off the TV, but I didn’t move.
“You ate?”
“No.”
“Have you showered?”
“Titan, please.”
I pulled the blanket up over my head, hoping he would take the hint and leave.
He’d been away this long, he could stay away.
I heard his footsteps moving around the living room.
The next thing I heard was the sound of the curtains being opened and the blinds being lifted.
He snatched the cover off me and tossed it on the table.
“Titan!”
My eyes were hurting from the brightness of the sun.
“Get up.”
“Go away.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose and inhaled deeply. “Mia. Get up. I’m gonna run you a shower.”
“I really want to be left alone.”
“That’s too damn bad. If I have to pick you up and wash you myself, I will.”
I groaned as I sat up and placed my feet on the floor.
I could feel the stiffness in my body from lying there so long.
He reached out a hand to help me up and while I wanted to slap it away, I didn’t.
I allowed him to lead me upstairs and help me undress.
He gathered everything I needed to bathe and to wash my hair and placed it in the shower before turning on the water and leaving me alone.
Stepping in, I went directly under the waterfall, allowing it to drench me from head to toe. The heat was soothing to my muscles and joints. For the longest time, I just stood there until Titan came back into the bathroom. He sat on the toilet and watched me, not saying a word.
It was beginning to feel awkward, so I grabbed the shampoo and began lathering my hair. He remained quiet while I rinsed it out and applied the conditioner. While it set, I grabbed the body wash and gave myself a good lather.
“You can’t stay in this state, Mia,” Titan said. “I get it, I really do. But you have to take care of yourself too, mamas.”
“Don’t call me that,” I snapped, glaring at him.
“Mamas? I always call you that—”
“Well, don’t. Not anymore. I’m nobody’s mama and I don’t need a constant reminder of that.”
He sighed heavily. “I’m trying, Mia.”
I snatched the shower door open. “Really? Because I haven’t seen you in a week. Some husband.”
“I needed some time to myself.”
“You mean time away from me.”
“What?”
“You heard me. You’ve been distant since the funeral. You wouldn’t look at me. You didn’t talk to me. You stayed as far away from me as possible, Titan.”
“I’m grieving too, Mia!” he yelled, jumping up. “Excuse me if I need a little time to get my fucking head together.”
“Oh, good for you for getting your head together because I sure the fuck can’t.
You think I want to feel like this? To be stuck in this cycle of grief, where all I want to do is lay in bed?
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I don’t have the fucking energy to do anything.
I feel so fucking alone and I needed you! You’re so fucking selfish!”
He scoffed. “I’m selfish? You can’t be fucking serious.”
“Oh, I’m dead serious.”
He stood and paced the floor shaking his head and mumbling to himself.
“I’m selfish? I’m fucking selfish? Did she really just say that shit?
” He stopped and looked at me. “You ever think that maybe I couldn’t be around you?
This is your fault! I love you, but you are so goddamn hardheaded and stubborn.
What did you think would happen if you went over there on a mission while pregnant?
Did you ever think about the consequences?
How were you going to hide that shit when you really started showing?
You decided to make the worst possible decision at the worst possible time, all because you called yourself needing a break from me…
from us. I would have given you space. Every time shit gets hard or overwhelming with us, you run from me.
Look what happened. If you had listened to me and stayed home, our daughter would still fucking be here! ”
“Fuck you!” I screamed, throwing my body wash at him. “If you really wanted to stop me, you would have outed me. You just wanted to control me like always!”
“When have I ever controlled you? When have you ever been easy to go along with anything?”
“When I accepted your sorry ass hand in marriage. Worse mistake I ever made.”
He shook his head. “That’s that bullshit,” he said, pointing at me.
“No, that’s some truth for your ass.”
He nodded his head. “I’m not about to argue with you. I don’t have that shit in me right now.”
He walked out of the bathroom, and I could hear him going downstairs.
Fuck no. As bad as it was, it felt good to yell at someone.
To take my anger out on someone. I shut off the shower and snatched my towel from the rack.
Securing it around myself, I went after him, not caring that I was dripping water everywhere.
“Where do you think you’re going?” I asked, taking the stairs as fast as I could. “You talk about me walking away, but you’re doing the same thing right now.”
“I’d rather walk away than continue to say some shit I can’t take back.”
“You already fucking said it. Go on, tell me how much you really hate me right now, Titan. You wanna put your hands on me, don’t you?”
“I don’t wanna fight with you, Mia,” he said, opening the door. Maceo, Smoke and Deuce stood on the other side, preparing to enter.
“The fuck is going on here?” Deuce asked. “We can hear y’all yelling down the road.
“Nothing,” Titan mumbled. “I’m out.”
“Leave!” I yelled. “That’s what you’ve been wanting to do since the funeral. You blame me for Eden’s—”
He spun around and walked toward me. Smoke tried to grab him, but he snatched away.
“Don’t say my daughter’s fucking name.”
“She was my daughter. I carried her—”
“You barely even wanted her! You couldn’t have.
Not with the shit you pulled. You ignored me for three months, Mia.
Denied me the courtesy of at least knowing how my child was doing.
You put her in harm's way because you’re so muthafucking selfish!
Everything is always about you. What you want.
How shit makes you feel. You never think of anybody but yourself and that’s exactly why our daughter is dead! ”
My anger boiled over as he said that. I tried to swing at him, but Maceo stepped between us, while Smoke held Titan back.
“I hate you!” I screamed. “I fucking hate you!”
“Right now, I hate you too!”
“Y’all gotta chill out, man,” Maceo said, gently grabbing my shoulders and walking me backward. “Both of y’all are hurting right now. Y’all said a lot already. Don’t let this get any uglier.”
“The fuck you think I’m trying to leave for?” Titan asked, walking back toward the door.
“Fuck that,” I said, slapping my brother’s hand away. “I want a divorce.”
Titan stopped and turned back to me with angry eyes.
“Fuck that.”
“I’m so fucking serious, Titan. I want a divorce, and I never want to see you again. Take your ring. Take your shit and get the fuck out of my house.” I took off my wedding ring and threw it at him.
He stared at me blankly, his chest heaving. I expected him to say something, but he just shook his head, picked up the ring, grabbed his keys, and walked out the door, slamming it behind him.
“What the hell is going on?” Smoke asked.
“Y’all can get out too,” I said, clutching my towel.
“We ain’t going nowhere,” Deuce said. “Now that nigga ain’t always been my favorite person, but he’s not completely wrong.
You can be selfish and childish as fuck at times, Mia.
We been keeping quiet about this shit because of what y’all are dealing with, but you were bogus as hell for taking your ass overseas knowing you were pregnant.
Senior and Maddie never would have allowed that to happen if they knew. ”
“Right,” Maceo agreed.
I scoffed at him. “You of all people can’t talk to me about what I did, Maceo.
You secretly worked with another organization, which turned out to be a fucking set up by the way.
You got your wife kidnapped and almost killed because you were in your feelings about not feeling needed in this family.
Please be so fucking for real with this conversation. ”
He raised his hands in surrender. “I’ll let you have that one. Maybe I ain’t the best person to hear the truth from.”
I laughed. “Ha! None of you are.” I turned to Deuce.
“You let your wife get kidnapped and tortured for three days because you got in a dick swinging context with that councilman. And you,” I turned to Smoke.
“Your wife’s baby daddy’s sister almost killed her because you wanted to play a cat-and-mouse game with her father after you killed his son.
You could have ended both of those niggas, but you got a thrill out of fucking with him, and it almost cost my sister her life.
So no, none of you are equipped to tell me shit when you’ve all had your share of fuck ups. Get out of my house.”
I stormed toward the stairs, but none of them moved.
“Get out!” I screamed.
They all shook their heads as they headed for the door. Smoke and Maceo walked out, but Deuce turned back to me.
“I know that’s the anger of your grief talking. Yeah, you made some valid points, but none of that erases the fact that you are the main reason we had to bury your child.”
Hearing that come out of his mouth made tears swell in my eyes.
“I know that shit hurts you, Mia. Whether you wanted her or not. Whether you were ready for her or not, she was a part of you. If I lost one of my kids, I’d be just as angry as you are right now.
You need help. All this isolation and lashing out ain’t good for you, especially for your mental.
Get your shit together because the more you spiral, the more dangerous that shit becomes.
Don’t you want that niggas head? How are you gonna get that if you won’t get the help you need first? ”
Tears streamed down my face as I stared at him, knowing he was right.
“You aren’t the only person hurting. Titan may look like he’s holding up, but that nigga is barely hanging on to his sanity. Did you know your grandfather had eight niggas jump him over this shit? You know how much guilt he feels over not doing his part in protecting you and Eden—”
“Stop saying her name!”
“No. You say it. Saying it makes it real. She’s gone, Mia. Eden is gone, and she wouldn’t want her mama losing herself because she didn’t get to live. You wanna honor your daughter, get some fucking help because at the rate you’re going, you’re gonna end up in a crypt next to her.”
He didn’t say another word as he walked out the door and slammed it behind him. I stood there for a moment before collapsing on the stairs and letting out a gut curling scream.