Chapter 15
Istared down at the fresh memorial tattoo for my daughter.
Titan and I had gotten matching tattoos two days ago, and I cried throughout the entire process.
Not because it hurt, but because I never thought it was something I’d have to do.
Benjamin had done a beautiful job, and he hadn’t even charged us for it.
Gently, I trailed my fingers over the fresh ink, happy that I could at least carry a piece of her with me forever now.
“I’m gonna get it together for you, baby,” I promised. “If it’s the last thing I do, I’m gonna make sure your death wasn’t in vain.”
Closing my eyes, I had a moment of silence before grabbing my sneakers from the closet and slipping them on, then leaving the house.
Today started rough. I still didn’t have the motivation to do much, but I forced myself to get up, shower, and eat the breakfast Titan cooked for me.
Currently, I was headed to the gym on the compound.
My father and Uncle Blake were really making it so that we barely had to leave from behind the gates to enjoy outside amenities if we didn’t want to.
“You heading out?” Titan asked, walking into the living room from the kitchen.
“I’m going to the gym,” I said.
“Want me to come with you?”
“I’m okay, Titan. You don’t have to hover.”
He slowly walked over and peered down at me. “I’m not hovering. Just checking in.” He slipped his arm around my waist and pulled me into his chest where he kissed my forehead. “How is your mental, mamas?”
“On a scale of one to ten. . . about a seven. It was a five when I woke up so that’s progress.”
“It is.” He stared at me for a moment. “I have to run out today. Moms wants to lay eyes on me. I’ll be back tonight, though.”
“Okay.”
“Give me a kiss.”
I stood on my toes and pressed my lips to his.
The lovey dovey mess was taking some getting used to, but it was nice.
Did I want to turn into my siblings and their spouses?
Fuck no. They were overly affectionate with each other at times.
It didn’t matter where we were or who was around, they would do the most, but I was okay with this being subtle for now.
“I love you,” he said.
“I love you too.”
He released me and slapped my ass as I headed for the door. I took the five minute walk up the road to the gym. When I got there, I noticed my brother’s golf carts out front. I took a deep breath, knowing this was about to be awkward as hell.
Pulling open the front door, I stepped inside. The moment I did, all eyes were on me. My brothers stopped their workouts and stood to their feet. I slowly made my way over to where they were.
“Y’all just gonna stare, or are you gonna speak?” I asked, folding my arms.
A smirk formed on Deuce’s face. “Morning, sis.”
He pulled me in for a hug and kissed my temple. One by one, my brothers took turns embracing me. I always felt so small in their arms, but still so safe and secure.
“I’m glad to see you out,” Smoke said.
“Well, I figured I needed to get my strength back up. I can’t do that laying in the house all day.”
“That’s right,” Maceo agreed. “You look good. . . lighter.”
“I had a little help,” I said, looking over at Steel.
He smiled and winked at me, while my other brothers frowned.
“We don’t need to know that, man,” Deuce said.
“Right,” Smoke agreed. “Your six weeks ain’t up yet.”
“Not that kind of help, dumbass. I meant KD. He put some things into perspective for me.”
“I got you, sis,” Kerrion said. “Always.”
Deuce smirked. “Nigga is becoming his daddy. Old and wise.”
Steel chuckled. “Senior gives great advice on most things. Y’all niggas just gotta listen.”
I cleared my throat. “I um. . . I need to say something to y’all,” I said, rubbing my hands together.
“Y’all know I hate apologizing, but I need to apologize to Deuce, Smoke, and Maceo.
That day you all came to my house, I was so nasty to you.
That was my pain projecting, and I was wrong for speaking to you like that. I’m sorry for the way I treated you.”
Smoke cupped his ear and leaned in to me. “Say that again?”
I playfully shoved him. “I said I’m sorry, nigga.
Damn. Y’all are my brothers. I lived without you for fifteen years and since I’ve been here, you’ve never treated me like less than a Dillinger.
Right or wrong, you’ve always been in my corner.
Always told me the truth, whether I wanted to hear it. I needed that.
“I just. . . losing my daughter. . . Eden. Losing her broke something inside me. I was dealing with hurt, anger, and guilt and I lashed out at the wrong people. I’m working on being better. It’s gonna be a long process, but I’m trying. Just be patient with me, okay?”
“We got you, Mia,” Deuce said. “You know we ride for you, baby. Always.”
“I know.”
They all gathered around me, and we shared an embrace. We didn’t do group hugs often, but when we did, it was never long before it turned comical.
“One of y’all muthafuckas is funky as hell,” Deuce said, breaking out of the embrace with a frown on his face. “You knew you were coming to work out and sweat. Why wouldn’t you put on some goddamn deodorant?”
Maceo smirked. “It’s probably Smoke’s ass. Nigga knows he’s big as hell and needs some extra shit. Funky fat fuck.”
Smoke slapped the back of his head. “Nigga fuck you. It ain’t me. I showered before I came in this bitch and put on plenty of deodorant. My wife makes the shit.”
“That’s probably why you smell like that,” Maceo said. “All that natural shit. You need them chemicals, fat boy.”
They started play fighting and chasing each other around the gym. Deuce shook his head as he went back to lifting weights. Kerrion chuckled as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder.
“I missed this,” I admitted.
“It missed you too.” He kissed my temple. “You ready to get back right?”
“I am. Once I’m cleared, I want to get back to my combat training.”
“You know I got you. I’ma whip you into shape again and I’m not taking it easy on you.”
“Good, cause I’m not taking it easy on JacQues Dupont.”
My brother slapped hands with me as the door to the gym opened. Kaylynn walked in, pulling her curls up into a messy bun. She grinned as she bounced over to where we stood.
“You ready for me to whip your ass, little cousin?” she asked, playfully jabbing me.
“Let me build my stamina back up and I got you. Don’t take it easy on me either.”
She waved me off. “Never that. There’s no time like the present. Come on.”
She grabbed my arm and lead me over to the treadmill to start my workout. Stepping on the machine, I pushed every bad thought out of my head. It was time to focus so I could get back to business.
After spending hours in the gym with my brothers and Kaylynn, I felt a little renewed. My body was sore, but in a good way. We had a lot of talks and plenty of jokes were cracked. I missed them.
When I walked to my house, I could smell something heavenly coming from the kitchen.
My appetite was slowly returning, and it was something I missed.
Once upon a time, I could fuck up a plate.
Every Sunday dinner, I had at least three helpings of Grams’ cooking.
This smell, however, I knew anywhere. It was my mother.
When I walked into the kitchen, she was standing at the stove cooking her famous chicken and dumplings. It had been my favorite comfort meal since I was a kid.
“Hey, Ma,” I said, taking my Air Pods out and placing them on the counter.
She looked over at me and smiled. “Hey, baby.”
She opened her arms, and I went into them for a hug. I felt her inhale deeply as she rocked me from side to side.
“You had a good workout?” she asked, cupping my face.
“I did. How did you know?”
“Titan. I came to check on you this morning, but he said you were gone. I’ve been trying to give you two some space, but he updates me. I’m glad you got out of this house.”
“I needed it.”
She smiled. “I know, baby. You hungry?”
“I could eat.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Sit down and I’ll make you a bowl.”
I took a seat at the island while she grabbed dishes to fix my food. While she moved about, I watched her. She seemed tired, like she hadn’t been sleeping much and had a lot on her mind.
“You okay, Ma?” I asked. “You seem a little off.”
“I’m fine.”
She placed the bowl in front of me, then turned to the fridge to grab a ginger ale. When she set it down, I gently grabbed her hand.
“Mommy.”
She sighed. “I just have some things to think about, baby.”
“Like what?”
“Life, Mia. I’ve been doing this a long time. Nothing scared me more than seeing you laying on that ground covered in blood. Feeling like I was gonna lose you. . . my heart couldn’t take that. I feel like it’s time for me to retire. I wanna spend more time being your mother and not your co-worker.”
“Ma, you’ve always been my mother and a damn good one. I wouldn’t be the woman I am without you. You’ve always been my strength and the strongest woman I know.”
“Thank you, baby. But I’m tired. I don’t regret giving my life to this cause, but I need to take some time to just be Maddie.
When this is all over, I’m taking a nice long vacation out of the country.
Nothing but blue beaches, all the drinks I can handle, and absolutely no stress.
Plus, this man of mine has been begging for my attention. ”
I almost choked on my food. “Man! What man do you have?”
“Don’t worry about all that. Just know mama gotta have a life too.”
“Nah, Mommy. I need to know who you are dating and when did you have time to get a man.”
I needed to know this information. Once she stopped fucking with my dad, she moved off the compound and into a penthouse apartment in the city.
Then they started messing around again, and she was back and forth.
Now that things were officially over, she was back at the penthouse full time.
Now I see why she wasn’t worried about Senior’s ass.
She blushed, something I hadn’t seen her do in a long time. “His name is Bronx. I’ve been seeing him for about six months now.”
“Six months! Mommy! You’ve been holding out on me!”
She giggled. “I had to make sure he was right for me.”
“Is he?”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“Is he part of this life?”
She shook her head. “No. Very far removed from it. But he knows what I do and he’s supportive. He’s a chef. Something safe.”
“You really want something safe?”
“I need something safe. When I’m done with this life, I want to come home to a man that I don’t have to worry about not coming home to me.
It’s a plus that he’s fine as hell and so damn sweet to me.
I feel good with him, Mia. When he looks at me, it’s like I’m the only woman he sees.
I haven’t felt that in a long ass time.”
I smiled. “I love that for you, Ma. You deserve it. You know Booker is going to be heartbroken.”
She kissed her teeth. “If that boy doesn’t go get some pussy his own age. . . silly ass.”
I giggled. “So… you’re really done with my daddy? No more back and forth?”
“Respectfully… fuck your daddy. I gave too much time to that man, and he played in my face. That’s on me for knowing what I know and still staying around.
Senior isn’t a bad person, but he just isn’t the man for me.
I see that clearly now. I don’t wish him any harm because he’s a good ass father. He just could never be my man again.”
“I get that. Seems like he’s just meant to be a baby daddy.”
“I wouldn’t even say that. He’ll get it right for the right woman. It’s just the right woman for him has another man.”
I didn’t need details to read between the lines and know that she was talking about Mama Stephanie. I got the feeling that there was so much more to the story judging by the disdain in her voice as she spoke indirectly about her.
“Well,” I said, taking a sip of my ginger ale. “Maybe we’ll both end up with the happiness we deserve.”
“Things with you and Titan okay?”
“They are calm… Ma?”
“Yes?”
“You think he and I will make it? I mean, if we put in the work.”
She smiled. “If you put in the work, you can have the marriage you want.”
“That’s just it. I don’t know what type of marriage I want.”
“Then you and Titan need to have that conversation. Otherwise, you’ll forever have problems. Set boundaries and expectations.
Talk about your future. Loving a nigga and wanting to be with them ain’t enough.
You gotta know what you want and put in the work to get and maintain it, Mia.
This is why you don’t get married on a whim in Vegas. ”
“I know, I know. I’m in it now and he’s already said ain’t no divorce. I guess we have to work it out.”
“Do you want to work it out is the question.”
I nodded. “I do. I love him, Ma. We’ve been through some crazy shit.
Done some crazy shit, said some crazy shit.
But I love him. I just want things to be the way they are when we’re on good terms. I want to know that we can always get back to that because despite all the madness, that man doesn’t play about me.
I know he would go to the ends of the earth for me, just like you, Daddy, and my brothers.
He doesn’t expect me to be anything other than Mia. ”
“I know he loves you. And I know you love him. I have faith that you two will get it right. Take full advantage of this therapy Kerrion has you going to.”
“You know about that?”
“I told you, my son-in-law keeps me updated. I’m proud of both of you for going.
Shit, in this life, we probably all need therapy.
We deal with a lot of shit that we don’t process, baby.
Talking about it with family is one thing, but a therapist can help you in ways family can’t. Do the work. You’ll see the benefits.”
She kissed my hand and turned to make herself a bowl of chicken and dumplings. I sat there for a second, taking in our conversation. I’d been thinking a lot about all the advice given to me over the last month, most of which was valid. It was time to stop thinking about it and apply it.