Chapter 14
LAST WEEK WITH DR. BAXTER
Iknew I had to be at rock bottom for me to have my ass in this lady’s office with Steel.
Ever since he told me about him going to therapy, I’d been thinking about it.
Not just for myself, but for Mia too. In our line of work, we were private.
We did and saw a lot, and nobody ever asked us how our mental was or if some of the shit we saw fucked us up.
We were expected to just move the fuck on like nothing happened.
I’d taken an unsettling amount of lives.
Nothing ever really bothered me.
There was rarely a problem I couldn’t fix.
But this. . . this I couldn’t fix. Not alone.
I didn’t know how to get through to my wife without fighting with her about this.
If I stayed away for my own mental, she took that as more blame on top of what she was already feeling and the shit I’d said.
My first instinct was to be defensive with her, and she with me.
I loved that woman, but we had so much shit we had to get right.
So here I was, sitting here, trying to do my part.
I’d called Kerrion up and asked him if I could come to a session with him.
Being the man he was, he didn’t hesitate to check with his therapist, and when she said yes, he gave me a time.
I got to this bitch before him so I could talk myself into following through.
Dr. Baxter seemed nice enough.
The major surprise here was the fact that she was a friend of Senior’s and part of a similar organization many years ago. That made me comfortable because I didn’t have to censor shit. I could tell her everything because she knew what was going on.
“Tell me what brings you in, Titan,” she said, crossing her legs.
“My um. . . my wife and I recently lost our first child.”
She gasped. “I’m so sorry to hear that. My condolences to you both.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m sure that’s been a tough time.”
“The hardest shit I’ve ever fucking been through, man. Trying to be there for her but still having resentment and shit has ruined us. Honestly, we have never been great, but this shit just killed it.”
“You care to elaborate?”
I sighed and told her the story of everything that had happened in Paris and since we’d been home. As she listened, I watched to see if her expressions changed or for some sign of judgement, but I didn’t find it. I mean, shit, she was an assassin too. She couldn’t judge me about shit.
“I see you hold an immense amount of guilt over the loss of your daughter,” she observed.
“The shit is killing me, man. I don’t know how to forgive myself or her for this.”
“Forgiveness starts with acknowledgement. I know this is an unfortunate turn of events, and I am so sorry for your loss. I know it seems easy to place blame, but that is part of the grieving process. Unfortunately, we don’t skip steps most of the time.
You’ll go through the denial, the anger, the bargaining, the depression, and finally the acceptance.
“You won’t always go through them in order.
Sometimes you’ll revisit certain stages.
Acceptance has to be the end stage where you can move forward, even without forgetting.
I will say this, sometimes it makes or breaks a relationship.
Some people come together in their time of grief, while others may fall apart. ”
“I’m tired of falling the fuck apart.”
“Good. That’s a start. Now, what do you mean by things have never been great between you and your wife?”
“You know this life, right?”
“Thoroughly.”
“So you know the training for it. My wife and I were in competition with each other for a long time. I guess I should say that I was in competition with her. Once upon a time, I felt like she got favoritism because her grandfather is the head of the organization. A lot of us felt like that, and it wasn’t true.
She worked ten times as hard as we did because of who she was.
She was unfairly bullied, and I was a part of that.
“At some point, things became intimate with us, and it’s just been a shit show since then.
I love her. She loves me. We just… shit, I guess we don’t know how to love each other without the past coming into play.
We do shit to get under each other’s skin.
We argue more than we listen. We love to point fingers at each other. The shit is toxic, and it’s draining.”
Dr. Baxter nodded. “So why do you want to be with her? It seems like this would take a toll on both of y’all’s mental. What is the reason you stay?”
I shrugged. “Because I love her. Because I don’t want to be with anybody else.
It’s not that I can’t find another woman.
I don’t want another woman. I want her. I want to fix the shit that’s broken between us and love her the right way.
Shit, I wanna be loved the right way too.
I look at my pops with my mama, she’s just like my wife, hard as hell, but she’s always been soft with him.
My best friend is married to her sister and that nigga worships the ground she walks on. I hang out with her brothers.
“Seeing a nigga that’s just as hard as me be soft just for his woman and kids makes me want that kind of healthy relationship, man. I need her to be soft for me too. I realize I haven’t given her a reason to be comfortable in being soft without fear.”
Dr. Baxter smiled. “You seem very self-aware, Titan. That’s good.” She turned to Steel. “What do you think about this, Kerrion? He’s married to your sister, so I’m sure you have something to say.”
Steel sighed. “I mean, I already told him I felt like this shit was doomed. Their dumb asses went off and got married in secret, knowing they weren’t ready for that shit.
Both of them are hard-headed, impulsive and you can’t tell them shit ‘cause they think they know everything.” He looked over at me and grabbed my shoulder.
“Still… that’s my sister. I love her and I’d die for her.
At this point, this nigga is like a brother to me too.
I ride for him too. I just want them to get it together if they insist on staying married.
They deserve the best parts of each other and from talking to him, I know he wants that. ”
“Sounds like you have support,” Dr. Baxter said to me.
I looked down at the floor, rubbing my hands together. “I do. I need that. A nigga ain’t ever really needed shit from anybody before.”
“Well, we all need something from someone, Titan,” Dr. Baxter said.
“It’s okay to be independent and handle your own problems. But it’s also okay to ask for and accept help when you need it.
More than that, it’s important to recognize when you need help.
I can tell you’re ready to do the work to mend things with your wife. ”
“I am. I just hope she’s ready too.”
PRESENT DAY
After leaving the therapy session, Mia and I climbed into my car, where we drove aimlessly in silence.
We didn’t have a destination, but I knew neither of us were ready to go back to the compound.
So we drove around the city with the windows down for a while.
It wasn’t awkward, more like comfortable.
She held my hand the entire ride while she looked out the window.
After a good two hours, we were back at the compound.
I pulled into her yard and shut off the car.
For a moment, we just sat there before I opened the door and got out to retrieve her.
Hand in hand, we headed into the house. Kicking off our shoes, I lead us into the living room. I took a seat on the couch and gently pulled her into my lap. She curled up and rested her head on my shoulder. I placed soft kisses to her temple as I held her.
Therapy took a lot out of both of us, and all I really wanted to do was try to sleep.
“You think we’ll get through this therapy shit?” Mia asked, looking up at me.
“I think if we want it bad enough, we will try our best and not make excuses.”
“Do you want it bad enough?”
“What I want is to love you, Mia. Without all the extra shit. I know shit won’t be all sunshine and roses, but I want you.
. . I need you. I’m not saying I want anybody else’s relationship, but I want the health that your siblings and my parents have in theirs.
More than anything, they respect each other.
I don’t have it in me to keep doing this the way we’re doing it.
“Marriage is a partnership. We’re supposed to lift each other up and shit, not tear each other down. We’ve said and done some foul shit to each other over the years. I don’t wanna do that anymore. Whatever I have to do to keep you, I’ll do it. The right way.”
She stared at me for a moment before pressing her lips to mine.
“I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you too, mamas.”
There was a knock on the front door, breaking the moment we shared.
I gave the okay to come in, and the door opened.
Jaeda and Quaid walked in, looking around like they expected World War III to have happened here.
They knew about the therapy session, so I guess they wanted to make sure everything was okay.
“Y’all cool?” Quaid asked.
“We good, man,” I confirmed.
He blew a breath of relief, making me chuckle.
“Y’all come have a seat.”
Quaid closed the door as Jaeda came over to hug and kiss us both. Quaid followed suit with dapping me and kissing Mia on the cheek before sitting in the oversized chair.
“It’s nice to see you two like this,” she said, taking a spot on his lap.
“This shit feels weird,” Mia said with a light smile. “All lovey dovey and shit.”
Jaeda giggled. “I mean, it looks weird too. But you two look more at peace with each other. Therapy went okay?”
Mia shrugged. “It went like something. I don’t want to do this, but at this point, I can see that I need it.
I’m tired of feeling like this, Jae. I have to accept the fact that my daughter is gone.
If I want to avenge her death, I have to get my shit together.
” She looked over at me. “If we want this marriage to work, we have to both get our shit together.”
Jaeda swiped a tear from her eyes. “We’re here for you both. I wish I could be there when the time comes, but my husband will be at your side.”
Mia looked over at Quaid. “You don’t know what you’re doing—”
“I’m more than capable, Mia. I might not have had the extensive training you two had, but I can handle myself.
Your husband and mother-in-law taught me everything I know.
Like I told Titan, Eden was and is my niece, and he’s my brother.
You’re my sister now and I ride with this family. I got y’all like I know y’all have me.”
Mia swiped at a tear. “You would really go?”
“You’re gonna see me, my laptop, and these glasses on that jet, sis. Shit, I might even put in my contacts for this one. I don’t have time to be fighting and shooting blind.”
We all shared a small laugh. Mia sat all the way up and took a deep breath.
“I need to get in the gym. Build my strength back up. Maybe working out will relieve some of this stress.”
“KD would train you,” Jaeda said. “I’d spar with you, but I don’t think my husband would go for that.”
“You muthafucking right,” Quaid said, rubbing her stomach.
“How about Kaylynn?” Jaeda suggested. “I mean, if you can pull her off Dinah, I’m sure she’d be happy to help.”
Mia nodded. “I’ll ask her. Other than you, she’s the one person I know won’t take it easy on me. I need a bitch to fight me at their full potential.”
“Work out first,” I said. “You still have to finish healing, and you don’t need to overdo it.”
She sighed. “I know.” She slid onto the couch and ran her hands over her face.
“I miss her,” she whispered. “I feel like part of me is missing. I got so used to carrying her. . . knowing she was there. My body doesn’t feel like mine right now.
I just. . . I need her with me in some way if I’m gonna get through this. ”
I reached out and grabbed her hand.
“How about a tattoo?” I suggested. “The hospital gave us copies of her footprints. I been thinking about getting them on me.”
She looked back at me. “Can we go today?” she asked.
“Let me check.”
I pulled out my phone and sent my boy, Benjamin, a text to see if he had space for us. Rose Haven was about an hour away, but Benny was the only person I’d let tattoo me for years now. He hit me back and let me know he had availability to fit us in.
“We’re good,” I said.
Quaid tapped Jaeda’s thigh for her to stand. When she did, he followed suit.
“Don’t let us hold y’all up,” he said. “I hope this helps both of you. If it’s not too late, come by the house for dinner when you get back.”
I nodded. “Appreciate it, bruh.”
I stood and slapped hands with him once again, then kissed Jaeda’s cheek and rubbed her stomach. She smiled as she returned the kiss to the cheek before going to her sister and pulling her to her feet.
“I love you,” she said, cupping her face.
“I love you too, Jae.”
They shared an embrace before she and Quaid walked out the front door. Mia came to me and wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her head on my chest.
“Titan?”
“Sup?”
“When this is over, I need a vacation. A real one.”
“I got you. Wherever you want to go.”
When this was all over, we were going to need that vacation. Something had to even us out for the hell we were going to raise.