Chapter 13 #2
“I’m good,” Kerrion said.
I shook my head.
“Well, then, let’s get started.”
I listened as she and my brother spoke a while about how he was dealing with his grief and guilt.
It seemed so easy for him to talk to her.
It had never been that easy for me to express my feelings.
I’d spent so much of my life bottling up my emotions because they made me weak.
The only thing I knew how to express without a shadow of a doubt was anger.
“Mia, why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?”
I blinked, not even realizing they had stopped talking, and all eyes were on me.
“What?”
“Tell me a little about yourself,” she repeated.
I frowned. “I thought I didn’t have to say anything?”
She smiled. “Just a little icebreaker.”
I sighed. “Nothing much to tell. I’m the baby of six kids. Found my father when I was fifteen. Only child on my mother’s side. I’m selfish, impulsive, and I don’t like being told what to do.”
Dr. Baxter picked up a notepad and scribbled on it.
“Is that really how you see yourself?”
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Be honest.”
I huffed. “Look, I’ve spent the better part of my life having to be the best because people counted me out.
They thought I got by because of my last name, when I had to work ten times as hard to be twice as good.
Nobody gave me a pass. Nobody handed anything to me.
If anything, my expectations were higher because of who I am in certain spaces. ”
“Sounds like you’ve been under a lot of pressure.”
“Pressure is an understatement. I’ve always had to have my own back.”
She looked at Kerrion. “You don’t feel like your siblings have your back?”
“That’s not what I said. This isn’t about my family. They stand ten toes down behind me, even when they give me gripe about how fucked up I am.”
“We don’t think you’re fucked up,” Kerrion defended.
“Look at me,” I said, motioning to myself. “Is this the Mia you know?”
“It’s not, but given the circumstances, nobody would be the same.”
“I don’t wanna talk about me anymore,” I said, folding my arms.
I’d already said too much to this lady. Dr. Baxter turned to Kerrion and a silent look passed between them. Just as I was about to address it, his phone started going off. He pulled it out and stood from the couch.
“Sorry, I have to take this. It’s my daughter’s school.”
Dr. Baxter nodded, and he stepped outside, leaving us alone. She grabbed a bottle of water from the table and twisted off the cap, then took a sip. I sat there with my leg shaking and my hands wringing together.
“You seem nervous, Mia.”
“I don’t get nervous.”
She motioned to me. “This is a habit?”
“No. I just don’t want to be here.”
“Were you forced to come?”
“My brother asked me. He thought it might be helpful.”
“What are you in need of help with?”
Tears stung my eyes as I stared at her. I tried my hardest to fight them back, but they just kept coming until they began falling down my cheeks. Dr. Baxter reached for some tissues and handed them to me.
“Tell me why you’re crying.”
I shook my head. “It’s too much.”
“Start where you’re comfortable.”
I sat there, rocking myself to self-soothe. Why the fuck was it so hard to just say what I was feeling? I knew the feelings. I’d been experiencing them every day for a month now.
The front door opened, and I thought it was my brother. It wasn’t until a tall figure stepped into the room that I realized how wrong I was.
“What are you doing here, Titan?” I snapped, jumping up.
“Trying.”
My gaze shifted to my brother. “Did you set me up?”
“I did at the request of your husband.”
“How could you? I don’t want to see him!”
I tried to leave, but my brother blocked me. Titan walked into my space, calm as ever.
“We need to be here, Mia,” he said.
“I don’t need to be anywhere with you! I told you, I want a divorce!”
He frowned. “Well, that’s too bad. I’m never signing no damn divorce papers. You can cancel that shit.”
I shoved my hand in his face as I looked to my brother. “Kerrion, let me out and take me home. I don’t want to be here with him.”
He shook his head. “I can’t. Both of you need this, Mia. Titan came to my last session and he—”
“He what? He can’t tell me himself?”
Titan went to grab my hands, but I snatched away from him.
“Don’t touch me!”
He raised his hands in surrender. “Mia, I love you. I don’t like this space we’re in. Losing Eden—”
“Stop!”
“No!” He yelled. “We have to face it. We lost her. She’s gone, and she’s not coming back. She wouldn’t have wanted us to be like this. Look at what her death is doing to you. I’m fucking scared somebody is gonna walk in that house one day, and you’re gone too.”
“Maybe that would be best! I’m the reason…” I covered my mouth to stifle a screaming cry. “I’m the reason our baby is dead. It’s enough that I know that, but you blame me too. How am I supposed to live with that?”
The tears were falling full force. My chest felt tight, and my knees felt weak. It was the same feeling I had at Eden’s funeral. I was trying my hardest to breathe through it, but it wasn’t working. I felt Titan’s arms come around me, pulling me tightly into his chest.
“I got you. I’m right here.”
At first, I just stood here, crying, with my arms at my sides. I didn’t want to need him. I hated I needed him, but in his arms, I felt safe. When he hugged me tighter, I fell apart. I wrapped my arms around him and clung to him like my life depended on it, because it did.
“I wanted her,” I cried.
“I know, baby. I wanted her too.”
“I don’t deserve to live when she had to die.”
Titan pulled back and cupped my face. “Don’t say that shit.
What am I gonna do without you? We can have another baby, but I can’t get another you.
I love you, Mia. We won’t ever forget Eden, but we can’t let her death be the death of us too.
This shit is hard for both of us. It’s unfair.
It’s fucking cruel. But she was created in love.
We’re gonna carry her for the rest of our lives. ”
He placed a soft kiss to my lips and swiped at my tears.
“I’m sorry I came at you the way I did the last time we spoke. I just… I’ve been so fucking angry. I was looking for somebody to blame, and you were the easiest target.”
I sniffled. “That’s fair.”
“No, it’s not. No matter what we’re feeling, I’m your husband and you’re my wife. I don’t wanna talk to you like a bitch on the street, and I don’t want you talking to me like any old nigga. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
He leaned in and kissed me again.
“This is good,” Dr. Baxter said, stepping over to us.
“You’re both listening to understand, not to respond.
Titan told me it’s one of your biggest problems. Sometimes we have to hear the hard things out loud, no matter how much it hurts.
If you can’t be vulnerable with anybody else, you should be able to be vulnerable with your spouse.
It’s hard work, believe me, I know this.
But you two are a team. It only works if you are on the same side. ”
She looked from me to Titan and smiled.
“I can tell there’s a lot of love between you two.
Titan told me a bit of your backstory, so I understand why it may be hard for you to let him in at your most vulnerable state.
Grief is a state of mind and a state of being.
Sometimes it brings out the ugliest side of ourselves.
It’s a process. Sometimes it presents itself on a daily basis.
Other times, it’s a random moment that takes you back to it.
There are no rules to mourning a significant loss. There is no time limit.”
“I feel like I’m being rushed to forget about my daughter,” I said.
She shook her head. “No, sweetheart. The concern is for your well-being. Your husband stated he’s afraid that someone will walk in one day and find you gone.
Your brother has shared that he’s afraid that your grief will spiral out of control.
No one is telling you that you can’t cry or feel sadness in your loss.
They simply don’t want to lose you too.”
“I can handle a lot, but I can’t handle that,” Kerrion said.
“You don’t have to numb your feelings. You don’t have to hide them or be afraid to cry about it.
I just don’t want this grief to consume you the way it did Ms. Anita.
I’ll never pretend to know what it feels like to lose a child, especially in a traumatic way.
The family just wants to be there for you, baby. ”
I nodded my head as I wiped my eyes. “I know. I promise, I’m trying. I just don’t have it in me right now.”
“We can take baby steps,” Dr. Baxter said. “If you allow me, I would love the chance to help you both.”
I looked at Titan, and he looked at me. It was already big of him to come to one session.
This was a man who didn’t like anybody in too much of his business.
He prided himself on having control and taking care of business.
This was beyond him. It wasn’t a problem he could easily fix.
Even when JacQues was dead, the damage was already done.
“What do you want to do?” he asked me.
“I… I’ll try. I don’t want to keep feeling like this and I don’t know how to help myself.”
“Taking this step is helping yourself,” Dr. Baxter said. “You have to do the work, I’m just here to guide you through your healing. I know you have to be tired, Mia. A mother carrying the weight of losing a child she carried has to be exhausting.”
Tears streamed down my face as I stared at her.
“I can’t sleep. I can barely eat or take care of myself. All I want to do is lie in bed and shut myself off from the world. I’m so fucking tired.”
She reached for my hands, and while I was hesitant, I gave them to her.
“Allow me to help you alleviate some of that.”
I nodded. “O-okay.”
She smiled. “Why don’t you all have a seat. We have some time left. I think today is just as good a time to start as any.”
Titan reached for my hand, and I slipped my palm into his. I felt cold metal against my finger and looked down to see that he had slipped my ring back on.
“I’m ready. I’m right here with you.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
I guess it was now or never.