7. Ian
SEVEN
IAN
As expected, Jamie isn’t answering my calls, and I’m too chicken shit to go find him.
I don’t know if he’s even still up here.
Jamie and Noah come up a few times a month now.
It’s been nice having them here, and now that I know Jamie’s been practicing being behind the wheel again on the drive up, I feel like an even bigger piece of shit if that’s possible.
Noah’s going to kill me.
Why did I say that?
I’m sitting at my desk, writing a list to calm my mind over all the clients Julian rescheduled. It’s overwhelming. I don’t know how we’re going to catch up.
Which means I can’t. I have to call them back and apologize for the confusion.
Find a new artist.
Julian’s words sit like lead in my gut. I can’t lose him. I can’t, and it’s not just because of his brilliant artistry.
That was the first thing that came to mind. Not the shop. Not the clients. Him.
I can’t lose him.
This little tangle happens in my gut, like a web that’s winding around my insides and squeezing my stomach.
This happens a lot when I think about Julian.
I don’t know why. It feels a hell of a lot like guilt, and it happens every time I dare to let what I feel for Julian grow brighter.
Bigger. When I let it take up more space than I should.
Right now, it’s being muted by a deep shame. I can’t believe he found me like that. I put all that stress and worry on him and I hate it. I know he’s right. I know he is deep down. Something has to give. Something. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to let that be me.
It’s only two weeks.
Sometime last night I finally stopped puking my guts up, and I threw away the rest of the whiskey, for all that did me. There wasn’t much left in the bottle.
I drop down into Maddox’s chair. Thankfully, in my drunken state I didn’t destroy anything. I look at the pictures tucked into his mirror. Memories he had and ones we shared.
I think this is the first day since we opened I’ve truly taken off.
I’m either tattooing or drawing a tattoo for someone.
When is the last time I even drew for myself?
Fuck, I can’t remember. I used to do it all the time before we opened.
You’d rarely catch me without my sketchbook.
There were so many nights I’d spent with Madd on a couch at his house, my house, or somewhere in between, both of us just existing next to the other.
Him playing video games and me drawing with my feet in his lap.
A soft ache stretches across my chest.
Next Monday is the eighth.
I swallow and get up, since I don’t have to be here, and swipe the photo from his mirror of him and me.
We went to a beach up north around the Great Lakes for our one-year anniversary.
That was Maddox’s favorite thing in the world.
He always wanted to visit Puerto Rico where his mother is from, but money and time were always our biggest obstacles.
We had a jar we were saving money in for a vacation we never got to take.
He was so busy working for the shop, and then working to fix up the shop, we never had a chance to do it.
I still have the jar upstairs. I have no idea how much is in it, though. I’ve never touched it.
I head up to my apartment—there’s a stairwell that leads up here from the shop—and I find the jar on Maddox’s nightstand and dump it out on our bed. Bills spill out of the jar. There’s tons of change too. I’ll have to turn that in.
When I’m done counting, we have about twenty-six hundred dollars saved. I had no idea he had this much in there.
An idea comes to mind.
My eyes lift to the urn on my dresser. His mother gave half his remains to Anna and she gave them to me. At the time she said she’d probably end up spilling them all over her carpet, but I think the real reason is that Anna can’t look at it.
I pick up the dark blue urn. His name and birthday are on the front.
When his mother chose to cremate him, she wanted some of his ashes near their family plot in the cemetery.
That’s why they have the plot, so he can rest next to his grandparents.
She gave the other half to Anna in this urn.
His mother adored Anna, and I know deep down she wished her son had been with her and not me.
I haven’t seen her in years. Last I knew she’d moved.
My throat swells with emotion. I can’t keep going like this. Julian is right.
And the thing is, I don’t want to keep going like this.
I love Maddox so much, but it’s killing me. Maybe this is what I need.
“I love you so much.” I smooth my fingers along the top. I need to take the first step. I grab my phone and text Julian then Anna and ask if they can stop by later.
Something has to change.
And it has to start with me.
The bell rings, and I watch Julian walk into the shop and eye me suspiciously before his eyes land on Anna who’s in the corner with one of my chairs. She’s been in the corner with it for a bit, but she’s been quiet and I’m not going to fuck up a good thing. “What are you doing?” He asks her.
“Huh?” Her head picks up. “Oh!” Grinning maniacally, she turns the chair around.
“No.” I say to her.
“What?!” She blinks innocently.
“Peel it off.” My eyes drop to the chair and the sparkly red letters that say Cuck Chair with devil horns above the first C and a forked tail underlining the entire name.
“Really adds a little something.” She smiles.
“I told you, no more decorations after the last time.”
“What? You wanted hanging—”
“Candles. Candles, yes, for Halloween, to make it look witchy. What did you do, Anna?”
“Hung vibrators from the—”
“Ceiling, yes, you did.”
“You said I need to tone it down.” She throws her hands toward the chair. “This is toning it down!”
“Anna, there has to be a median between normal and cuck chairs and vibrators.”
“Yeah, it’s called being a boring beige bitch.” She folds her arms over her chest. “Bunch of losers.”
“Anyway.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. Later. I’ll deal with that later. “I need to talk to you both and ask something.”
Anna and Julian give me their full attention. I wonder how much Anna knows about what’s going on. She and Julian are pretty close, but I don’t know if they hang out after work. I know she’s happy to have two weeks off.
My eyes meet Julian’s. He looks wary. I don’t blame him.
I still haven’t thanked him for taking care of me.
Everything’s a mess, and at the end of the mess is the truth.
I need help.
“Do you know what’s going on?” I ask her.
“That Jules found you piss drunk passed out in Maddy’s chair with vomit on your shirt, then he dragged you upstairs and changed you then found your hot-pink dildo and waited for you to wake up and then gave you an ultimatum?” She blinks. “No, why? What happened?”
My eyes swing to Jules. He throws his arms up. “I didn’t tell her about the dildo.”
“I’ve always known about the dildo, Ian.” She grins.
“Any. Way!” I look at them both. “For the next two weeks we are closing and I am taking this time to do some thinking. I agree with you.” I look at Julian and hate how defeated he looks.
“I’m sorry for Sunday, I was awful to you.
I . . . I’m . . .” I drag my fingers through my hair.
“I’m sorry.” I scrub my face and jolt when pressure surrounds me, and I realize it’s Julian’s arms.
I sink into it. His warmth hits my skin, bringing a sort of peace I seem to only find when I’m with him. I can’t lose him. He’s right. He’s so fucking right. I’m running myself into the ground, but this is hard. It’s hard to accept I’m failing.
“I forgive you.” He lets me go.
I shake my head, smiling gratefully. “I appreciate that, but I need to deal with this.” I look at Anna.
“This week I’m going to fly to Puerto Rico, and I’m going to spread his ashes in Isabela.
” I’m taking the trip he wanted to. “I’m going to book a flight, and on the eighth that’s what I’m going to do. ”
“All alone?” Anna asks.
“No.” I swallow. “I have some money set aside. I want to know if you both want to come with me. I’ll cover the costs.” I look at Anna. “I know it makes your skin crawl when I talk about it, but he was your friend too. He was your best friend. Your family. You should be there.”
“And me?” Julian asks.
“I want you there, Julian. I would love for you to be there.”
Anna nods, taking this in. “Okay. Give me the information and I’ll book our flights,” she says. “I’ll find a hotel.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that.” I smile gratefully. “We need a break and I need to reevaluate how we do things here. Something has to change, but I also need to be comfortable with that change. We need to figure out something that works for us all.”
Anna hops up from the chair. “Send me your information and I’ll get everything set up.”
“Thank you.” She gives me a short hug before she’s out the door. I can tell she’s getting a little itchy from all the emotion. She’s not good with it.
I turn to Julian in the silence she’s left us in.
“You want to go get something to eat?”
I grab my chopsticks and pop an eel roll into my mouth. “Fuck, I love sushi.”
Julian smiles, quietly eating his mango roll. I know Julian isn’t a fan of seafood, but he also knows I love nothing the way I love sushi.
“I’m surprised you can look at fish right now.”
“It was really bad yesterday. Thank you for taking care of me. I appreciate you so much.”
He’s quiet, focused on his food. I don’t like the stilted silence. I know he’s still upset, and I hate to burden him. The thing is, I can run myself into the ground no problem. I don’t care. I’ll get the job done. But I don’t want that for Julian. I don’t want him stressed or overworked.
“You scared me,” he says quietly, his soft brown eyes lifting to mine. “I thought—” He shakes his head. “Seeing you like that scared me, Ian.”
I set my chopsticks down and grab his free hand, squeezing it in mine.
“I’m really sorry, and I know that’s not good enough.
I’ll never put you in that position again.
It was wrong, I wasn’t thinking. I can’t imagine how scary it was for you.
” I squeeze his fingers before he slips them out of mine.
“I was so focused on myself, but I forgot it’s not just me.
You’re working like crazy, and I’m just pushing and pushing. ”
“No, Ian, you’re not, that’s the thing. I’m choosing to take on more clients because you keep pushing yourself.
You may not care, but I do. I won’t let you do any of this alone.
Your burdens are my burdens, but we need to think about things, okay?
We can’t keep going at this pace. My back alone is screaming for a break. ”
“Well, you are a lot older than me.”
“Oh, fuck you.” I laugh as the tension eases. “I’m thirty-four.”
With that the air around us seems to soften and I can breathe a bit easier. “Like you said, it’s a cool fucking job.” Julian’s eyes drop down to his sushi as he grabs an avocado roll. “We didn’t have to get sushi.”
“It’s fine,” he says with an avocado roll tucked into his cheek. “If you wanted it, I was going to get it for you.”
“You spoil me.”
“No, I fucking love you, Ian.” My eyes blink fast at that.
“You’re my best fucking friend, and seeing you like this hurts me.
I know I didn’t know him, but I know you.
” He smiles sadly. “I can’t keep watching you break down.
It’s killing me, because I don’t know what more I can do for you. I feel helpless.”
I let that sit between us as we quietly eat. “You know I love you too, and I can’t do this without you, Jules. The shop wouldn’t be the same. It’s your shop too.” He stares at his plate, and I just want to take this stress off him. He doesn’t do well with it.
Looks like I don’t either.
I take our containers and hop off the ledge where we’re sitting on the roof. I set them on the table and watch as he swings his legs over the side, letting them dangle. Our awning is right below, which eases some of my anxiety as I sit back down and copy him.
Our fingers nearly touch as we sit on this ledge, and I let the quiet bleed between us while my thoughts can’t stop rotating like a Ferris wheel. Something has to change. Julian’s right. This isn’t sustainable. We need help. We need a break.
“I’m trying hard to make this shop everything he wanted. I feel like I’m failing.”
Julian’s quiet for a moment, but I watch him and feel a soft smile slip onto my face.
Jamie’s teasing comes to mind. He might not be wrong.
I care about Julian, a lot, and I meant what I said.
He’s my best friend. He’s everything to me, and maybe .
. . I don’t know. Maybe my head’s just a mess right now, but I can’t deny the soft rush of heat when he’s with me.
We’re at the shop together a lot, but there are so many nights Julian just stays here.
We hang out all the time, and I’m always happiest when he’s here.
Then there are the parts of my brain that tell me it’s wrong. I don’t know where the voice comes from, and I don’t think I truly believe it.
There are a lot of things I need to figure out over this break.
The first few years after Maddox’s death, the thought of someone new felt impossible. I’ve tried. I’ve met up with a couple of people, but I fucking lost it.
Maddox was my first everything. I was nineteen when we met, and I don’t even know who I am outside of him.
Outside of us. I wonder about Julian and what he’s been through.
He’s had a couple of boyfriends scattered throughout the time I’ve known him, but nothing serious, and nothing that lasted more than a few months.
Then there’s Elijah, and I know they aren’t together but that doesn’t make me feel any better.
“Have you ever been in love?” I watch his handsome face twist with confusion.
Something else flashes across it I can’t grab onto.
He’s quiet, and I watch the way his Adam’s apple bobs, then he looks at me.
My heart nearly stops. “Yeah, Ian. I have.”
I love Julian’s eyes. It’s not just that they’re pretty. There’s something so solid and warm about them that eases my mind when I’m in their path. Maddox’s eyes were always filled with mischief. Every time he’d give me this wide-eyed look I knew we were in for trouble.
With Julian it’s like I can look into his eyes and know everything will be okay.
“What happened?”
Julian takes a small breath then looks ahead. “He’s in love with someone else.”
I don’t know who this mystery man is, but I hate him. “Well, he’s an idiot.”
He laughs a little then swings his gaze back to me, heavy with something I can’t place. “He’s not an idiot.” He shrugs. “He’s the best guy I know.”