8. Julian
EIGHT
JULIAN
Isee Ian as I walk up to the shop with my bag in hand, and my nerves rattle me.
I’ve never been on a plane before, and worry has weighed down my gut all morning.
Seeing him ahead eases my mind a bit, though.
He’s talking to himself. He hasn’t seen me yet and I take a moment to look at him.
The wheels of my bag scrape on the concrete. He looks up and gives me a smile.
“Hey.” He smiles.
“What’s wrong?”
“Huh?”
“You were talking to yourself.”
“Oh, I was just trying to figure out how long it will take to get there. We have a layover in North Carolina. Then like three to four hours straight to Puerto Rico after that.”
“You got the tickets, right?”
“Anna dropped them off last night.” I wheel my bag around and place it in the trunk, then grab his, setting it next to mine. “Wait, I want the ashes.”
“They aren’t going anywhere.”
“I’d feel better if I had them.”
“Ian.” I place my hands on his shoulders and feel the nerves roll off him. “They’re safe. They aren’t going anywhere. You don’t want to accidentally spill them while you’re holding it. Or break it.” I rub his back trying to handle this gently.
I see the war in his eyes, but finally he nods.
We get in the car and Ian pulls out his phone.
“You got the tickets?” He nods, handing the folder to me. I open it and frown. “Where’s Anna?”
“She’s going to meet us there.”
I look inside the folder. “There are only two tickets in here.”
“Maybe she has hers,” he mutters.
Maybe. I reach for my phone and text her.
Julian: You meeting us there?
I wait for a moment, looking at Ian until I see text bubbles.
Demon: You’re going to killll meeeeee (:
Demon: I mean, you can’t, you’ll be in Puerto Rico and I’ll be here, but I’ll fully expect a swift death when you get back.
Julian: What the fuck are you talking about??
Demon: I did a thing.
Julian: AND THAT IS WHAT, ANNA!!!!!!????
Demon: So the thing is . . .
I wait for a moment but don’t even see her texting.
Julian: WHAT IS THE THING, ANNA?!!!
Demon: I’m not going.
Julian: CARE TO EXPLAIN?
Demon: Eh, not really
Julian: EXPLAIN!
Demon: You need to stop pining and make a damn move, Jules! Bring me home a step daddy!!!!
Julian: Oh, I’m going to fucking kill you.
Demon: Or you can thank me later when you’re balls deep in our boss
“What’s wrong?” Ian’s voice barely cuts through the pressure in my brain. I can’t think. What the fuck!? This fucking brat. I’m going to kill her. I will. I mean, she’ll probably take me out, but I’ll go out giving it my best.
Julian: I fucking hate you.
Demon: Aww
I squeeze the phone in my hand.
Julian: He doesn’t like me. You need to give this up.
Demon: Ian doesn’t make moves. You need to be the one, Jules. Make a move!!!!! Do me proud. Well, do him, and then it’ll make me proud.
Julian: I hate you
Demon: KISSESS!!!!!!!!
“What’s wrong?”
I look over at Ian and swallow. “Anna’s not coming.”
Ian blinks. “What?!”
I nod. Obviously I can’t tell him why. I want to open this door and fling myself out of it. “She’s sick.” I swallow. “Explosive diarrhea.” Serves her right. “She’s sending us the information for the hotel.”
Ian’s mouth twists. “Well, tell her I hope she feels better.”
Yeah, I won’t be doing that. The car ride is quiet, and I try to make sense of everything. Two weeks alone with Ian on a beautiful beach. There are worse things, I guess. My gaze swings to him as the buildings pass us by. There’s something a bit off about him, but I don’t know why. Nerves maybe.
Maybe . . . maybe Anna’s right.
Maybe I should make a move.
The thing is, Ian’s never even hinted at feeling anything.
He’s been so wrapped up in missing Maddox, I don’t think he’s even capable of loving another person that way.
And why would it be me? I’m an anxious fucking mess.
He’s talked me through more panic attacks and anxious shutdowns than I can count.
I jolt at the fingers threading through mine. “You’ll be okay.” He smiles softly.
“What?”
“The plane ride. I can feel how nervous you are.” He gives me another reassuring squeeze. Not that I was even thinking that. Fuck, that’s right, the plane. I’ve put off fully sinking my thoughts into it. “Planes are pretty cool. I haven’t been on one in a while, though.”
Yeah. Plane ride. While yeah, that has me nervous, it’s Anna’s words that are squeezing my lungs and making it hard to breathe. Make a move. “Just nervous.”
For the plane ride. For this trip. For facing things that I’ve only dreamt of wanting.
After waiting in line we’re finally ready to check in. “How many bags?” the service agent asks.
“None, we’ll take them with us.” Ian looks at me.
I put my bag up and get a tag. He puts his up on the scale and she shakes her head. “This one will need to be checked. It’s too large.”
“You sure?”
She blinks at him.
“Look, I just, is there any way I can take this on the plane?
“Ian, just check the bag. It’ll be okay.”
“Maybe I should take the ashes out,” he says to me. “Is there room in yours?”
“Not really. I didn’t bring a big bag, I just packed mine full.
Maybe we can take some of my stuff out and I can make room.
” Although I think about the overhead and throwing the bag up there.
Unlike Ian’s suitcase, my duffel bag doesn’t have padding.
“I don’t want it to break, though. What if someone knocks into you or it falls and breaks? ”
Ian thinks. “What if they lose it?”
“They won’t lose the bag.”
“Sir, we have a line, you need to make a decision,” she says with a tight smile.
I squeeze his bicep. “It’ll be okay.”
“Fine.” Ian pays for the bags to be checked and we head through security—with a very handsy TSA agent—then we make our way to the boarding line and wait.
I’m shaking now. The smell of burnt coffee and greasy fries turns my stomach.
My skin itches. This will be fine. It’ll be fine.
I grip my boarding pass in my sweaty hands, opening and closing the folder and picking at the edges of the cardboard.
My knee bounces harder with every second.
It’s fine. This is happening and it’ll be fine. It will be fine.
The announcement crackles overhead, making me jump.
“Hey,” Ian says. His voice is soft and careful like he’s approaching a feral kitten. I don’t look at him. Instead, I stare down at the blue and white carpet cut with vacuum lines. “Jules.”
“If you tell me some stupid bullshit like it’s safer to fly than drive, I’m going to walk out of this airport.”
Ian laughs. “I was actually going to say that you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning.”
My fingers tremble around the folder in my hands. “I hate heights.”
“You have no issues sitting on my roof with me.”
“That’s different.” I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the awning below, which I know would break my fall, or it could be that Ian is usually right there beside me. I don’t know. “Sitting safely on your roof is a little different than plummeting from the sky in a fiery crash.”
Ian nods as if that makes perfect sense. I know it doesn’t. He reaches out gently and slides his fingers through mine. “You can squeeze my hand as hard as you want on the plane,” Ian whispers. “You can hold it the entire time. I won’t complain.”
I let out a shaky breath, and my grip tightens in his hand. “You’re not allowed to make jokes about turbulence. No jokes at all.”
Ian smiles and my stomach drops for a whole new reason. He’s got pretty lips. Red and full. My eyes drag up and the warmth in his eyes eases my anxiety a little. “I’ll be your knight in shining armor. Very stoic and brave. Just for you, Jules.”
Something comes over me.
I lean forward and press my forehead to his. “I’ll be fine.” I pull back and offer a weak smile. “I’ll be okay.”
The boarding call crackles overhead.
“Time to be brave.” He kisses the side of my face, and like in his kitchen, heat shoots through me.
Without letting go of each other, we stand and walk to the gate.
To everyone around us, we must look like a couple.
We approach the line and he turns to me abruptly.
“Seriously, Jules.” His dark blue eyes snag my attention.
“If you don’t want to do this, we can do something else.
You don’t have to be okay for me.” He smiles sadly.
“Anywhere we go will be amazing. We can change our mind.” He gives me a reassuring squeeze.
The boarding call comes again. No, we’re doing this.
My chest tightens but I want to do this. I want to be here for him. “I want to, Ian.” I squeeze his fingers. They feel like an anchor. I can do this. “Just don’t let go.”
Ian smiles brightly. “Not a chance, Jules.”
For the first time since entering this airport my lungs unclench and I breathe easier.
We find our seats on the plane. There are a lot of people all crammed into this tiny space.
It’s hot, and the noise and movement is making my brain feel fuzzy.
I notice Ian sneaking glances at me, but I can’t focus on anything except the roaring in my skull.
It hurts. My stomach twists, tight and sour, making me nauseous. My fingers feel cold.
Fuck, I hate heights.
And apparently the idea of plummeting from the sky. Who would have thought.
“Jules?”
“Huh?” My voice sounds hollow. My ears are hot.
Ian smiles softly. “It’s normal to be afraid to fly.”
“When was the last time you flew?”
“My mom and I used to visit my grandmother in New Mexico when she was alive. Flying is the safest form—”
“Of travel blah blah blah.” I shake my head. “The chances of surviving a plane crash, however, are shitty.”
Ian blinks, laughter forming under his breath. “You’re not helping yourself.”
People finish settling in their seats, and the stewardess walks the aisles, checking belts, her voice calm and practiced. My knee starts bouncing harder as the engine roars to life and the plane begins to roll.
Ian reaches into his pocket and holds out a stick of gum. “Chew this.”
I take it, popping it into my mouth. “Thank you.”
“I was afraid the first time I flew,” he says near my ear, sending a shiver rolling over my skin.
I look at him, his lips close to mine, and my thoughts center on him.
How close he is. How good he smells. Fear claws up my spine as we go faster down the runway.
“But it’s fun. The clouds look incredible from up there. ”
The plane starts to lift.
Holy shit, this is happening. My body stiffens, every muscle locking into place as if it’ll keep us grounded. Ian notices and gives me a small smile.
Then his fingers slip between mine and he gives me a gentle squeeze, keeping my thoughts here with him like an anchor dropping into place. I close my eyes and chew the gum while the pressure builds sharp and uncomfortable in my ears. “I’ll be okay.” I’m not sure if I’m saying that to him or myself.
I feel him squeeze my hand. “Of course you will.” His voice is right there at the edge of my ear. When I open my eyes, he’s right there, smiling. “You’re you.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you’re brave,” he says softly. “Braver than I am. Following me to Puerto Rico to do something very heavy.”
“It’s a vacation.”
“Yeah.” The breathy word makes me shiver. “But it’s also more, isn’t it?” His smile lingers. “Thank you for being here.”
The plane finishes its climb then levels out. The seatbelt sign shuts off and we’re free to move about the cabin. “Always, Ian.” I give him a grateful smile.
“You’re an amazing friend, Jules.”
I swallow, his face still inches from mine. Close enough to see the tiny freckles across his nose and cheekbones. His dimples stay in place as he watches me.
Anna’s words loop in my head.
This is it. Time to be brave.
I need to make a move on this trip. I have to know if this feeling is something I should let go of, or something that could grow. I have to know. I’m thirty-four, I want to settle down with someone, and I want that someone to be him. And if it can’t be, I need to let him go.
Now’s my chance.
By the end of this, if Ian doesn’t want me, that’s okay. I just need to know the truth. I need to know if something is here.
I squeeze his fingers. “Same.”