11. Ian #2
They were inseparable. Yin and Yang. I know he’d change a thousand things about that night if he could. Luci was his person.
She would’ve loved Noah.
I blink back the heat squeezing in my eyes, and I swallow thick and hard.
I’m barely holding it together. I’m not upset he’s not speaking to me—I wouldn’t speak to me either—I’m upset that I hurt him.
The shame in that feels so sharp. My friend’s taken so many steps to get better, and to think I might have unraveled all that progress with my careless words . . . I can’t deal with that.
“You okay?”
I look up. “Yeah. Just uh, called Jamie.”
“Oh, shit.” He turns the light off and climbs into bed. It’s only about eight but I know we’re both exhausted. The mattress dips as he settles his weight under the covers. There’s space between us, but I can feel his heat. His scent lingers here. Clean and sweet. “How did that go?”
He shifts and his bare leg brushes mine.
I roll onto my side and face him. The moonlight shines into the room brightening the space around us, and I watch him, his eyes open as he watches me back. “Noah answered.”
“Oh, shit.”
“Yeah. I need to make it up to Jamie.” I swallow.
“Today was a shit day.” He laughs softly.
“That it was. Do you think we’ll be safe here?”
He thinks for a moment. “We’re close to the ocean, but I’m not going to stress unless the people who live here do. We’ll get through it.” I almost flinch when his hand cups my face. Warm and soft, his thumb brushes my jaw.
I swallow and close my eyes, feeling the rough pads of his fingers. It’s been so long since someone has touched me. I haven’t had sex since Maddox died. I’ve tried, but it always feels wrong.
This is different, though. He feels different. Not wrong, just different.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“For what?”
“For being you,” I say quietly and open my eyes. “I wouldn’t be able to do this without you.”
“Yes you would.”
“No. I wouldn’t.” I say. “You talk sense into me. I get stuck in my head. I think of every horrible thing that could happen.” I breathe out. “Everything’s a mess right now and I don’t see a way out.”
“We’ll find a way, Ian. You and me.” His fingers drop from my cheek only for his arm to pull me against his warm chest. Lying here with him is the only bright thing today has brought, and I’m too tired, sad, and comfortable to push him away.
Damn, he smells incredible. Warm like vanilla, his skin so soft under my hands.
A tiny truth bubbles to the surface. “I hate it, Jules,” I whisper.
“I never wanted this. He told me I wouldn’t have to deal with the business side of things.
He brushed me off. You worry too much. You overthink.
” My breath breaks and I try and clear my throat.
“This is why I worried, and he just . . . he thought it was stupid.” His arms squeeze me, solid and warm.
I press my face into his chest, and everything I’ve been holding onto unravels in the safety of his arms. I lose it.
Jamie, the shop, Maddox’s ashes, this trip.
I’m failing. I’m a failure. “I’m so sorry. ”
“It’s okay,” he murmurs in my ear and rubs my back. I think I feel his lips press to my ear, but maybe I’m imagining that. “We’ll get through this. I won’t let you fail.”
“It’s not your job to keep my shit together.”
“No, it’s not.” I do feel the soft press of his lips in my hair. “But the person we pay to keep your shit together is terrible at her job and we’re both too afraid to fire her.” A laugh slips past my lips. “She’s a terrible secretary.”
I laugh harder. “She really is.”
“But irreplaceable.”
“She is.”
I should pull away, but I don’t.
Instead, I hug him tighter, like he’s the only person keeping me tethered to earth. In a way he is. “Goodnight, Jules.”
“Night, Ian.”
I think I feel another kiss on my head, but I don’t move from the cocoon of his arms to check.
Morning comes, gray and muted. Rain still taps against the windows, and I doubt it ever stopped.
I wake up to warmth.
Julian’s arms are draped over my waist, heavy and familiar in a way that makes my chest squeeze. My face is pressed to his shoulder. His breaths are slow and even. At some point in the night my leg slipped between his thighs nearly grazing a very sensitive spot.
For a moment I don’t move. I don’t think about what I should be doing or what we have to do today. I just feel him. I soak in the warmth and heavy weight of his body against mine. He feels too good to ignore.
He’s warm and smells so good. The way he wraps around me feels so right. Jamie’s teasing comes to mind. It’s not a secret how attracted I am to him. He’s beautiful on the outside sure, but he’s equally as gorgeous on the inside.
I press my lips to his shoulder.
Reality snaps me back.
What the hell am I doing?
I pull away, the mattress shifting beneath us. Julian stirs, blinking sleepily as I sit up and swing my legs off the bed.
“Morning,” he murmurs, voice rough.
“Yeah,” I say, already standing, and I pull on my jeans and tug on my shirt like it’s armor against the warmth lingering on my skin from his touch.
Julian sits up, rubbing his eyes. “Did you sleep okay?”
“Fine.” The word comes out sharp. Too sharp. What’s going on with me? I can’t fucking breathe. I can’t even look at him.
Julian blinks sleep out of his eyes. “Okay . . .”
I pace the small room then grab my phone and wallet, anything to keep my hands busy. My skin feels tight. “We should check flights. And call about the bag. See if the storm will let up. We can’t just sit around. I want to get out of here as soon as possible.”
“I’m barely awake,” Julian says gently. “Let’s go eat first.”
“I don’t have time to relax. This isn’t a vacation. This is a disaster. We need to figure out what we’re doing. If there’s a chance to go home, we’re taking it.” Not without my bag, but my brain isn’t working right. I can’t think beyond this weird panic in my lungs. What is going on with me?
His face falls enough to twist my stomach.
“I know that,” he says gently. “I’m just saying. It’s not like we need to hop on the first flight. It’s still storming anyway. Don’t worry, okay. It’ll be okay—”
“Except it won’t, Julian. Maddox’s ashes are missing. My luggage is gone. We’re in the middle of a hurricane warning here. I don’t need you to tell me it’s going to be okay. Alright? This is a bad situation. Please don’t make light of it.”
Silence stretches between us.
Julian tips his head forward untying the band of his blue silk bonnet and gently slides it off his head and holds it in his hands looking down at his lap. “I wasn’t trying to make light of this. I know you’re worried about the ashes. I get it.”
“Do you?”
The words hang there, ugly.
He looks at me a moment, searching my face like he’s trying to decipher a code.
“Okay.” He lets out a breath. “I’m just saying. There could be worse things—”
“Than losing the ashes of your dead boyfriend?” My bags are gone, Maddox is gone, and we’re stuck in a shitty run-down house while it’s pouring rain with the chance of a hurricane coming at us. “What could be worse, Jules?”
He looks down at his lap then nods. He stands and moves past me, grabbing clothes out of his bag and heading to the bathroom.
“I don’t know where this is coming from.
I know you’re stressed out,” he says evenly.
“But you don’t get to take it out on me.
” The disappointment in his words hurts worse than if he’d just yelled.
I almost wish he had. I know he’s too gentle for that, though.
“I’m going to shower then grab some coffee.
You should take a minute to fix your fucking attitude. ”
The door closes softly behind him.
I stand there alone, chest tight, anger draining out of me leaving just guilt in its place.
Fuck.
I sink down onto the edge of the bed and scrub my hands over my face.
Why do I do this? What the hell is wrong with me?
A tiny little voice echoes in my skull.
Because last night felt so good and waking up with him felt dangerous. It’s easier to push him away than to face this.
I’ve hurt Jamie, and now Julian. I don’t want to push him away too.
Julian didn’t say a word to me when he came out of the shower. He left the room. I wanted to give him space, but it’s been about an hour and he hasn’t returned. I need to find him and apologize. I hope he’s still here. I wouldn’t blame him for leaving my ass here alone.
I know he’s angry at me.
I’m angry at me.
None of this is Julian’s fault. None of it.
Everything has gone wrong yet he’s still trying.
Still showing up and trying to soften the blows for me.
Sitting here alone, the truth of what happened is clear, I just don’t want to think about it.
I panicked because it felt like I was betraying Maddox.
I don’t understand why I feel this way. It’s like my mind is telling me one thing, but my heart is calling me a cheater.
My brain is so fucked, and I don’t know what to do to fix it.
It’s been seven years, but feeling these things . . . it feels like a betrayal
I need to find my friend.
I take the stairs slowly, guilt sitting heavy in my chest.
I find Alexander at the desk, and he tries to give me a smile but fails. “Your friend stormed out of here a little bit ago. I can hear a rocking chair creak on the porch. I assume he’s there.”
“Mama said he’s sulking on the porch.” Violet grins, a few teeth missing. Her black hair is pulled up into pig tails. She’s drawing on the floor.
“What are you drawing?”
Her little head picks up, and she takes the photo, showing me a childlike drawing of a fairy. “She’s my OC. Her name is Layla. She’s a water fairy. All the people in her village are jealous of her because she’s beautiful and kind.”
“Wow, I’m even envious.”
She busies herself back with her paper.
Alexander smiles tightly at his daughter then looks at me. “Fight?”