11. Ian #3
“Kind of. More like I’m just being a di—” I look at Violet.
“A dummy,” I correct. His eyes slide back to whatever he’s writing, and I need to say something.
“Sorry, I uh, this might sound weird but . . . are you mad we’re here?
” I can’t stand it when a business treats customers like they’re an inconvenience.
I don’t think that’s what this is, though.
Something else is going on, and I need to know if it’s homophobia or racism because whether we find my bag or not, we will be getting the fuck out of here.
He looks down at his books for a moment. “No. I’m very happy you’re both here.”
“Can you tell your face that.” I laugh a little. “If it’s because I’m gay or that Julian—”
“No!” he rushes out. “No, that’s not—” Shame sparks his eyes.
“Violet, go help your mother in the upstairs bedroom.” She opens her mouth to argue, but he’s got this dad look, and shit, I nearly go upstairs to help her mother.
Snatching her paper she glares at her father but leaves us here in silence.
“I’m sorry if my actions have made you feel unwelcome. That’s not it at all.”
“Then what is it?”
He taps his pen on the book in front of him. I see it in his face, the same kind of tiredness I’ve carried for years. “We um, we’re actually in the process of closing down.”
“Xia said you guys were renovating.”
He shakes his head. “She’s very optimistic.
” He smiles warmly. “She thinks renovating will help but . . . it’s not looking good.
We’ve had to sell a lot of the furniture just to keep lights on.
” He shakes his head. “When we moved here nearly ten years ago, we were the only place around. Now we’re competing with three hotel chains with discount rates and more amenities than we can provide.
The room you’re both staying in is our personal guest room for when our family comes to stay with us.
It’s just hard.” He drags in a breath. “Xia loves this house. She loves having people here. She’s very happy you’re both staying here. ”
An idea comes to mind.
I think about Julian, this trip. It’s not what we had planned, but I’m here with him. I need to apologize for my freakout this morning, and that means I need to be honest with him.
And honest with myself.
Maybe I can still have closure.
I want my bag back. I need that bag back, but maybe I don’t need to be in Puerto Rico. This trip was about Maddox, but maybe it needs to be about Julian and me. Maybe I need to open myself up and see if something can grow. I don’t want to push him away.
I don’t want to be alone forever, and if I’m honest—really, brutally honest with myself—I have feelings for Julian. Real feelings. I think I always have.
I swallow with the realization. It’s not just physical. It’s deep. I care about Julian and it’s scary to face it, but I do. The tiny tug of betrayal pulls at my gut, but I try and shut it out. I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s been seven years.
I don’t want to be alone anymore. And if Julian will have me, I only want it to be him.
“I’m sorry about your boyfriend. I am.”
My surprise snaps my attention up. “Thank you.”
“Sorry, you didn’t need that whole speech.
I just want you both to know it’s not either of you.
I’m happy you’re here and I apologize for the way I’ve acted.
I’m just worried about her. My wife is barely containing herself with excitement.
She wants to smother you both and I’m barely holding onto the reins. ”
That makes me laugh. “It’s okay. She’s very sweet.
Thank you for sharing. It must be hard. I know how hard it is to own a business, especially now.
” My wheels are turning before I can think this through.
“Would it be a burden if I paid through next Friday?” His brow furrows.
“It’s not the vacation we planned but we like it here.
” His brows rise. “We really do,” I laugh.
I don’t care that we’re not on a beach somewhere.
I’m here with Julian and that is a gift by itself.
“Really?”
I nod.
“I’ll give you a discount. I’ll just charge you both for the week.”
We already got the refund for the hotel in Puerto Rico, and once I get the jar back I’ll have that cash as well. “Charge us the full rate, please.”
He takes my card and writes something down in his book with a slight smile on his face, then he hands the card back to me. “Thank you,” he says sadly. “I’m sorry about your vacation. I know this isn’t what you had planned.”
The plan fell apart, but I’m still on vacation.
And I’m here with my favorite person.
“I’m not sorry.” I’m still here with Julian. That’s enough. “Now I’m going to go apologize to my friend.”
The porch creaks under my weight as I step out. The air smells like wet earth and smoke from the wood stove inside. I walk around the porch and find Julian sitting in a rocking chair, starring ahead and slowly rocking.
He looks at me when he hears my steps.
Then his eyes drop away.
I sit beside him on the wooden chair. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he says flatly.
“I’m sorry,” I try. “I was a dick.”
He doesn’t look at me.
“You’re doing your best,” I continue. “And I couldn’t see past my own shit. I’m stressed out; this is stressful.”
“The thing is,” he snaps, surprising me. “It doesn’t have to be.”
I freeze.
“I know the ashes missing is really bad. They’re irreplaceable,” he says then turns to me. “But the rest of it? We’re on vacation either way. You just decided this was going to be miserable.”
“Jules—”
“Or is it something else?” His voice cracks slightly. “Is being here with me the problem?”
That hits harder than anything else. His gaze drops to his lap and he rocks slightly.
“I can think of a million worse things than being alone here with you,” he says, hurt bright in his eyes.
He folds his arms and looks away.
Something shifts in me. Something warm. Something brave.
I stand before I can overthink it, then without giving myself time to stop, I drop into his lap.
He startles. “What are you—”
I lean back against his solid chest, my head on his shoulder. His arms come around me automatically, like they always do. It’s getting harder to ignore how much I love this feeling. And I don’t want to ignore it. I want to grab on to it and not let go.
“I can think of a million things worse than being here with you too,” I say softly, my chin tilting to watch him. My fingers itch to trace along his face. “Being stuck here with you might actually be the best thing that could’ve happened to me.”
“Ian—”
“I’m going to be honest with you and tell you what happened this morning.
Just be patient with me,” I say quickly.
“I woke up before you this morning and your arms were wrapped around me, and it felt so good. You felt so warm and . . .” I smile.
“We were lying there tangled together and I freaked out. I don’t know why, but I panicked.
I need to stop pushing you away when things get hard.
When my brain gets messy.” I swallow. “I’m sorry about being an asshole this morning.
You didn’t deserve that. It’s like I panicked then tried to push you away. ”
He looks at me for a long moment.
Then he exhales, his forehead resting against mine. “You hurt my feelings.”
“I know,” I whisper. “I hate that I did. I’m sorry.
You’re trying to help and I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.
” I press a kiss to his temple then rest back against him.
“I won’t do it again. I promise.” I’m done pushing him away.
I’ll fight the voices in my brain if I have to.
I just know deep down in my heart that I want this, or I want to try. If he wants me.
“I’ll hold you to that.” He licks his bottom lip, bringing a subtle shine to the deep rose color of them. Velvety soft. Inviting. Okay, these thoughts probably shouldn’t happen while I’m here in his lap, but I can’t help it. I don’t want to fight it.
His arms tighten around me, holding me firmly to his body, unaware of the spiral I’m stuck in just over his lips. We sit here together quietly, slowing rocking in this chair. I don’t want to move, and I can’t believe I felt his arms around me this morning and tried to leave them.
His hold is strong and firm. Warm. We sit here for a while watching the rainfall, and neither of us speak. We don’t really need to. It feels nice. I’m not interested in moving anyway. I couldn’t run if I tried.
Julian is right.
There are a million worse things than this.
In fact, I think this might be the best-case scenario.