18. Ian
EIGHTEEN
IAN
With Julian right behind me, we head downstairs and smell something warm like banana bread. Walking into the sitting area, we see some food left on the table. I have some ideas I want to run by Julian.
I want to help these people get customers.
Maddox was always supporting small businesses. He rarely ever shopped at corporate-run stores. He loved finding places like this. I know if he were here today, his mind would be spinning with ideas of how to help them.
Maddox would have loved that we ended up here.
“Ah! Good morning.” Xia smiles. “There’s fresh banana bread and bagels if you two would like anything.” We walk in and I notice Violet glaring a little at us.
What did we do?
Alexander walks in and greets us both with a smile then looks at his wife.
There’s something off here and I don’t know what.
“Good morning, you two.” Alexander thanks Xia who pours him a cup of tea. “Uh, sleep well?”
“Alexander,” Xia hisses.
A slight smile springs to his lips, and I see him bite his lip before he sips his tea. “Hell yeah, banana bread.” Julian walks around, grabbing a small plate and taking a slice, oblivious to the tension that seems to be in the room. “We did sleep well.”
“Good to hear—I mean, to know. Good to know.” I notice Xia give him another scathing look; his ears pinken at the tips. “Any plans today?”
“If you go out, be careful today. The rain is picking up again. We should be far enough from the coast,” she reassures. “But just be careful outside.”
I just want to stay in bed with Julian all day. “We don’t really have plans today.”
“If you’re interested, on Friday there’ll be a Chinese lantern festival down at the boardwalk for the end of summer fair. Lots of fun things to do. Artisan booths, food, games, rides. It’ll be fun. We’re going at night if you’d like to ride with us. The rain should break tomorrow.”
Our flight is on Saturday. This time has gone by so fast, and I may even be sad to leave.
I look at Julian. “That sounds like fun. Yeah?”
Mid-bite, Julian nods then swallows. “Sounds great.”
“It’s not fair!” We jump at Violet’s outburst.
“Violet,” her father scolds.
“Why do they get to jump on the bed, but I can’t?!”
Xia’s eyes widen, and Alexander shuts his, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Violet, I told you guests are—”
“Jump on the bed?” Julian asks. “What do you—” Then I see the exact moment it hits him. “Oh.”
My face flames. “Oh, we uh—” I scrub my face. “I’m, we are—”
“I get in trouble!” She glares at us.
“Violet!” Xia scolds as her daughter crosses her arms across her small chest.
“Oh my god.” Julian buries his face in his hands. “Oh my god.”
“We are so sorry. We didn’t think—”
“It’s perfectly fine.” Xia smiles. “We uh, it’s okay. It’s natural. We uh, we’re—”
“Going to mind our business from now on.” Alexander’s brows rise in her direction. “Sorry. The um, the uh, beds in the regular guest rooms we had weren’t that squeaky.”
“I’m going to die here,” Julian whispers. “We’re sorry, we weren’t . . . thinking.”
“No, not a lot of thinking.” I look at Violet. “We won’t bounce on the beds anymore. You’re right, that wasn’t fair.”
“We’re really sorry,” Julian says behind his tattooed hands. “We’re never bouncing on the bed again,” he whispers at me. “Ever!” he hisses.
“We’re really sorry.” I rub his arm, and shit, I can’t help but laugh a little.
“I need to call Jamie. Do you want to wait for me upstairs and rock in the fetal position for a little while?” Julian stands up, nodding.
“I have to call a friend back home. He’s going to go upstairs and shrivel in shame.
” Julian leaves us, heading for the stairs.
Violet busies herself with something else. “We really are sorry. We weren’t um, thinking.”
“Been there.” Alexander laughs as his wife slaps his arm. “Really, it’s okay. It’s fine.”
“Uh, thank you guys for everything. This week has been great. We really appreciate your hospitality.”
“No, please. Thank you.” She looks at her husband. “It’s been nice having guests here again.”
With them on my mind, I turn out of the room and head outside.
The rain’s coming down harder now, and while aggressively fucking Julian on that bed is definitely off the table, I hope he doesn’t mind a lazy day inside watching movies again.
I have my sketch book back and I’d really like to draw him.
I sit down in the rocking chair and find Jamie’s contact.
Well, this is going to suck. I just hope he picks up this time.
The air outside feels damp and heavy. Thankfully there doesn’t seem to be too much damage from the wind, and the rain seems to have finally let up, leaving behind this grayish cast to the air. There are some branches down around the property, but nothing major.
I sit in the rocking chair and find Jamie’s name. He hasn’t texted me back at all, and I feel like shit. My grief isn’t a weapon I can use against my friends. It’s not fair to them.
Jamie and Maddox were really close. He’s one of the last connections I have to Maddox, and since we started talking again, we’ve grown closer.
Here goes nothing.
I wait for him to pick up, and I’m about to give up when I hear his voice. “This should be good.”
“Do you have a minute?”
“Are you done being an asshole?”
I close my eyes and rub my hand over my face. It’s chilly out, but I’m wearing Julian’s hoodie and breathing in his sweet scent. It’s calming my mind. “I’m sorry.”
“Not loud enough. Not good enough.”
Sighing, I tip my head back and take a second. I knew this was going to be hard. “I can’t believe I said that. I . . . I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean it. I promise, Jamie. Please listen to me. I didn’t mean it. That was horrible, beyond horrible. I don’t fucking recognize myself lately.”
“Me either, man.”
It’s quiet out here, and while this run-down house looked like a nightmare walking in, I’m slowly starting to love the place.
Maybe it’s the memories we’ve made inside it, but it just feels different than when we first got here.
“I didn’t mean it, Jamie. It was a shitty thing I said.
I want you to know I did not mean it. I am so fucking sorry. ”
“I know you’re going through a lot, but if you blame me, we won’t be able to work this out. Which sucks. I love talking to you. But for my own mental health, I can’t deal with things like that. I’m trying to get better and what you said, it fucked me up.”
Shame settles low in my gut. “I don’t. I really don’t feel that way. You have no idea how much I regret saying it.”
“Maddox would hate this. I want you to know that Ian. I know it’s hard to hear, but it’s true. He’d hate this.”
My eyes sting.
“I know it’s hard, okay. I know. Believe me, I fucking know, but is this all you want your life to be? I know for a fucking fact he wouldn’t want this for you. This would break him. He loved you more than anything, and if he saw you this unhappy, he’d be pissed.”
My jaw starts to shake as his words hit like a punch.
“Getting help is hard. I know it. It fucking sucks. But is this all you want your life to be?”
“No,” I choke out. “No, I don’t.” My knee begins to bounce.
“What’s going on with the shop? I went back to start painting and Anna told me you guys are closing down for a bit.”
“Just two weeks,” I say, my voice catching.
I clear my throat and try to get myself together.
“We uh, we were planning on going to Puerto Rico to spread his ashes, but there was a storm and we were grounded in North Carolina. We’re at this bed and breakfast that’s a bit run-down.
The owners, uh, they might have to close down. They’re good people, though.”
“Really? Oh, shit, that’s tough.”
“It’s a cute place. Maddox would have been all over it. I know he’d have started thinking of ways to help them.”
“What’s it called?”
“The Tea House Bed and Breakfast. In Layton, North Carolina.”
“Take some pictures and post it on your shop’s socials. You have a lot of followers—holy shit, I sound like Noah.” He laughs a little. “Ask them if you can tag them in vacation pictures. It might help with a little traction. You guys have nearly thirty thousand followers on BlueVibe.”
“That’s a good idea. We’ll do that.” I take a deep breath. “How much do you hate me?”
He laughs. “Less than before you called. I know you didn’t mean it, but I can’t have you lashing out like that. I can’t deal with it. My mind is already a fucked-up place.”
“How much does Noah hate me?”
Jamie laughs a little. “He doesn’t hate you. He hates what you said, he’s just . . . protective of me.”
“I know. I won’t ever say anything like that again, I promise. I promise. I am so fucking sorry.”
“I miss him too, man.” I swallow at the drop in his tone. “I know how physical it feels. He was a fucking tornado, but we loved him a lot.”
I laugh. “We do. We do love him.” While I hate to ask this, I need to. I’ve had some ideas since coming here. “Please don’t be mad, but I have a favor to ask.”
“That’s bold.”
“I know, but it’s not for me. It’s for Julian.”
“I’m listening.”
I tell Jamie my plan for the mural and explain what I want to do. There’s room on the wall, but I’m worried about straining his body like this. I just had to ask. “That’s a lot of work. Two weeks?”
“If you can’t do it, I get it. I know it’s a lot, I just .
. . It’s an idea I had. For him. For us.
If you can’t do it in the timeframe, I have a little money I can scrape together to pay people to help you.
Or maybe we can hide it somehow. I just want it to be a surprise for him.
” I swallow. Maddox built this shop with his own hands, but there’s another person who’s just as important and who’s made an impact on where we are today.
And I want to honor her.
“It’s not the shop Maddox bought, it’s the one Julian and I built. Together. It’s his shop too.” Julian is more than just another artist. He’s the air and sun in that place. He’s my partner, and it’s his shop too. “Just tell me what you think is possible.”
“Two weeks with that size . . . it’s doable. I may have someone who can help, but it’ll cost you a tattoo. Maybe she knows people who can help out too.”
“Free tattoos to whoever can help. Anna is calling our clients to reschedule all the appointments we have for this month.” Which I haven’t told Julian yet, but I think this is what we need. A reset. We need a change.
“That’s going to be a lot of work to catch up on.”
“Yeah,” I sigh. “But I think um, I think I’m going to hire some more artists. At least two, maybe three, or a piercer. I’ve thought a lot about this.”
“You’re getting new stations?”
This is the part I’m struggling with. I need to learn to let go.
I’ve been through all the stages of grief on a loop over the last seven years.
All except acceptance. It just seems so impossible that someone so alive isn’t here anymore.
I love him, but I don’t want to live my life like this anymore.
The reality is brutal, but it’s still reality.
Maddox isn’t coming back. He’s just not.
This is now my shop, and my responsibility, and I can’t live like this anymore.
And I know Maddox wouldn’t want me to.
I don’t know what’s happened to me since he died, but this isn’t me. I hate who I’ve become. “Yeah, one station. I’m uh, I’m going to take Maddox’s.” I smile at the thought. “It’s time, Jamie. I need to make a change.”
“He’d be proud of you. He knew how much you didn’t want this.”
I clear my throat not trusting my voice.
“Let me get in contact with Amira, see what I can do. She knows people. We’ll work something out for you guys. If we can go up tomorrow, how will I get in?”
“Anna has a key. I’ll text her to meet up with you, and I’ll give her your number. There’s a picture of her on Jules’s station. Anna will show you. Thank you, Jamie. Seriously. Thank you.”
“Always, man.”
“And I’m sorry. Please tell Noah I’m sorry. I promise I will never say something so ugly again. I promise.”
“I know you won’t.”
We hang up and I lean forward, putting my head in my hands.
The weight of everything sinks in. This is it.
Moving forward. I’ve thought a lot about it, but I didn’t want Julian to know about the mural right away.
There are so many things to do, but unlike most times when all my tasks weigh down on me, I’m excited for what’s to come. I feel lighter. Even with my workload.
When we get back, I’m going to take Maddox’s station.
I don’t want anyone else to use it but me.
I couldn’t handle anyone else being in that spot.
It’s just something my brain won’t even let me entertain.
And I think that’s okay. More than that, I want to be there, tattooing in the spot meant for him.
Footsteps sound along the porch.
I feel fingers in my hair and lean into the touch, wrapping my arms around Julian’s waist and resting my head on his stomach. I sit there for a moment with him soothing my hair between his fingers. He’s so solid and warm.
I press a kiss near the band of his jeans and look up. His locs are down now, spilling over his shoulders. He gives me one of his lopsided smiles, and I just know everything’s going to be okay. With him, everything’s going to be just fine.
“Are you done shriveling in shame?”
He bites out a sharp laugh. “So squeaky.”
“Yeah, you squeaked me real good.”
“We’re never having sex again,” he says.
I lean back, offering my lap to him, and I smile when he falls into it and leans against me.
“How’d it go?” he asks, and I smile.
“Better. I can’t believe I said that shit to him.”
I rock slowly. The rain falls around us while we sit on the enclosed porch. “Can we talk about the shop?” I say softly.
“Yeah.” He doesn’t make a move to get up.
He just lies there while I hold him gently, rocking us both.
“When we get back, I’m going to hire more artists.
” He sits up abruptly. “Two, and a piercer. I’ve wanted to do that for a while.
I’d ask Anna, but I think she’d get too much enjoyment from stabbing people. ”
“You’re right,” Julian laughs. “How are we going to afford it?”
“I’ve got some money set aside, don’t worry about that. Just one station to buy.” With the money we’ll make in the shop getting these appointments done, I know it’ll all work out.”
“Just one?”
I nod. “I’m going to take Maddox’s station.” Surprise hits his brown eyes. “It’s time.” I smile sadly. “We need a change, Jules. I need a change. And like you said, this is a cool fucking job. It’s time to bring a little fun back into our lives.”
He shocks me with a kiss, and while the shop needs a change, I think I do too, and I know that nothing in my life lately has felt better than this.
Nothing in my life has felt better than him.