17. Julian
SEVENTEEN
JULIAN
My hand smooths over the bed and my eyes blink open at the lack of heat beside me. The space next to me is empty.
Fuck.
I don’t regret what happened last night.
I knew having sex with Ian would hit differently, but I didn’t expect that.
Sex is usually just sex, but that last night .
. . fuck. His arms around me, the sweet squeeze of his body around me.
I’ve never felt like that. Then when he got on top, the beautiful lines of his body flexing with his movement, his dick bouncing with every roll of his hips .
. . My eyes were locked on his tattoos, like my own personal galaxy to fall into.
I nearly told him I loved him. It was there at the edge of my brain and on the tip of my tongue.
That would have been too much, though, I think.
I don’t want to scare him away.
I take a few minutes to get my head together. I wonder where he went. He’s probably spiraling just like that first day we kissed.
I sit up and find my sweats and pull them on then reach for my hoodie.
Where is it? Then I see the curtain to the sliding door’s open and my sweater on the man I was inside last night.
He’s sitting on the balcony, knees drawn to his chest, bare feet perched on the plastic chair as he looks out into the rain.
He’s wearing my hoodie.
That’s gotta be a good sign, right?
Grabbing our blanket, I wrap it around my shoulders and brace against the brisk morning air as I step out onto the balcony.
He looks up as the door slides open and gives me a sad smile.
“Sorry.” He smiles softly, not meeting my eyes as I sit beside him on the other chair.
It’s quiet out here. I’m afraid to break the silence.
I watch him hug his knees and look at me, wearing his boxers and my hoodie.
I smile at his bare legs and toes perched on the edge of the seat. Running his fingers through his messy hair, he smiles as the awkwardness takes hold.
I don’t know how to do this. I don’t want to regret what happened. I won’t regret it. Last night was the best night of my life. If I had my way, Ian would be beside me, under me, inside me, all the time.
Ian loves big, and Maddox will always hold the biggest parts of him, I think.
I just want to know if maybe there’s some room for me too.
“How are you feeling?”
He smiles softly. “My ass is sore.”
I snort and can’t help smiling as Ian starts laughing. I join him as our laughs break the tension. “Did good, then?”
“Ten out of ten.” He smiles wider, then pulls his bottom lip between his teeth. “I’m sorry I can’t handle shit.”
“What?”
“This. This freakout every single time. I hate it, and I don’t know why I do it.”
I was afraid he’d feel like this. “Do you have any regrets?”
Ian’s blue eyes lock with mine. For years I’ve been drawn to him.
When we first met it was his talent, his artistry, watching the way he worked and moved through the shop.
He’s younger than me, but I’ve always been so impressed with how hard he works.
I looked up to him. He made me want to be a better artist. I’ve slowly fallen for him over the years, and until last night I didn’t realize how deep my feelings went.
I’m a patient man; I’ll never rush him. I just need to know it’s possible. “No.” His eyes stay locked on mine. “I don’t.” He smiles. “Last night was perfect. You’re perfect.”
“Then what are you doing out here instead of in bed with me? It’s warm in there.” I open the blanket. “Warm in here too.” I wink. Warmer in my arms. Breathing his scent. Moaning my name with my face between his thighs. “What’s going on? Talk to me.”
Ian picks at the sleeves of my hoodie. “Do you know how good you smell? Like all the time. Warm like vanilla, and fresh like rain. It drives me crazy.” He lifts the collar to his nose. “I have to admit, I thought last night would scratch this itch.”
“No?”
“No.” He gives me a lopsided smile. “Pretty sure it only made the hunger worse.”
“Talk to me. What’s going on?”
He’s quiet for a bit and I let him gather his thoughts.
“I’m fucked up.” His voice cracks. I pull myself closer and tug his chair to me between my legs.
“I don’t want to be like this, but I can’t stop.
This guilt inside me. I don’t understand it.
I can’t make sense of my head. I hate it. It’s like this barrier in my brain.”
“Talk to me. Work through whatever you need to. I’m not going anywhere.”
Ian smiles sadly for a moment. “You know what pisses me off?”
“What?”
“Maddox wouldn’t have taken this long to get over me.
” Glassy-eyed, he looks away. “I know he wouldn’t have.
He didn’t believe in ghosts and spirits or anything after this.
Honestly, he’d be pissed at the way I’ve wasted my time.
” He scrubs a hand down his face. “He’d have a new boyfriend.
The shop would be thriving. I’m a fucking loser. ”
“Hey. No you’re not.” I grab the edge of his chair and pull him against me. The loud scrape on the balcony wakes me the fuck up, but I pull him closer, his legs still tucked up onto the chair while he hugs his knees. “You miss him. That’s okay.”
“It’s been seven fucking years, Jules. I feel just the same as I did then. It never fucking fades.”
“There’s no time limit on grief.” Cupping the back of his calves, I squeeze, so far out of my element. I’ve dealt with death, but I’ve never been around grief like this. Watching Ian’s watery eyes, my heart is breaking.
I didn’t know Maddox, but I know Ian.
“I can’t imagine anyone getting over you,” I say honestly. “You aren’t someone who’s easily forgettable.”
He snorts. “Bullshit.”
“It’s true.” I swallow, cleaving myself open, exposing myself, but I don’t care. “I know because I haven’t been able to. Since we first met. This . . .” I point between us. “This isn’t new for me. I’ve felt like this for a while.”
His eyes widen. “What?”
I nod with a smile. Fuck he’s cute. This boy with a heart so goddamn big.
I just hope there’s a little room in there for me too.
Just a little. “I’ve had a thing for you for years, Ian.
It’s not faded, in fact, it’s gotten worse.
Sleeping next to your temperamental ass this week hasn’t helped either. ”
He shakes his head. “I’ve been a dick.”
I grin. “I don’t care, though. I just like you. Dick and all.”
“You do seem to like my dick.”
Daring a little, I pull him forward, and Ian slides into my lap in this tiny chair.
The weight of him in my lap feels good even if we’re testing the strength of this cheap plastic.
I engulf him in the blanket with me. “You love Maddox. No one can take that from you. It’s not something you need to get over or get rid of.
It’s yours. You just have to learn to live with it, as painful as I know that is.
You don’t need to get over it. You need to learn to exist with it. ”
He chews the inside of his cheek then slumps against me, his cold hands rubbing along my back. “I’m tired of being lonely.” He kisses my neck, sending a shock of heat through my core. “I’m tired of pretending I don’t want you the way I think I’ve always wanted you.”
The confession makes my body freeze. “You’ve got a big heart, Ian.
I know there’s room in there for someone else.
Just has to be the right person.” And I want that to be me.
I’d give him anything, but this he has to do himself.
I can’t do it for him. I can only hope when he’s on the other side he’ll want me still.
“Do you want to go inside and shower with me?” I feel his lips on my neck then he gets off my lap and holds out his hand. “Your nipples are stabbing me in the chest.” With a laugh, I get up and follow him into the room.
Inside, I shake my head as Ian pulls off the hoodie, and my eyes wander all over his gorgeous ink.
The galaxy tattoo across his chest is done in a way that nearly makes his chest disappear.
The planets and stars pop brilliantly against the void behind them, and the edges of space stop right at his throat.
I have to admire Maddox’s work. He was an artist through and through.
Every line, all these years later, still clean and crisp.
He had a way of making art come to life.
And now I’m going to put my mouth on it.
“I want this, Julian.” The fire in his eyes backs up his statement. I drop to my knees, just wanting to feel every inch of this man against my tongue. My fingers curl into his boxers and slide them down his legs. His cock hangs forward, nearly hitting me on the chin.
I bury my face at the juncture of his thigh and groin, and inhale the musky sweet scent of him. Ian said I smell good, but my dick throbs at the scent of him. “Julian, fuck, I need—I don’t know. Something.”
I look up at him and smile. He’s fucking beautiful.
Taking him in hand, I jerk him slowly, root to tip, and squeeze his head. I flick my tongue over his slit, feeling his knees buckle as the first taste of precum hits. I waste no time wrapping my lips around his crown, and look up at the way his eyes flutter closed.
All I can do is moan around his length as he slowly rocks his hips. His fingers grab onto my shoulder, and I take his hand and guide him to the nape of my neck. His eyes open and I nod my permission before I take him down as far as I can, feeling his nails bite into the base of my neck.
I suck harder, making unhinged noises bleed from him as Ian’s fingers slide from the back of my head to my biceps, giving me a squeeze. Then he guides me up and I moan as his lips meet mine. “Come on. Let’s shower.”
Inside the small shower, the spray of lukewarm water doesn’t bother me.
I don’t even think about it as his lips graze, suck, and lick every inch of my skin.
I lose myself to the sensation, unsure about where we really stand.
Is he trying or is he going to freak out again?
It’s hard to think straight with his mouth on me.
His lips land, pressing firmly under my ear.
His warm breath fans over my neck. His hard cock ruts against my ass.
His palm smooths over my ass then grabs a handful. “Can I touch you?” Those fingers slip between my crease, touching me lightly. “Here?”
I look back at him and nearly drown in the heat of his eyes. “You want to fuck me?”
Ian bites my shoulder before kissing the spot. He grazes my hole. It’s been a while since I bottomed. I always topped with Elijah, and before him it had been a while since I hooked up with anyone. “I don’t know if I’ll compare to what’s in your suitcase.” He chuckles warmly.
I let out a tension breaking laugh. He can have anything he wants.
My hole clenches as he gently rubs my rim.
I reach for the lube he grabbed before we came in here and hand it back to him, then I feel his slick fingers gently slide inside.
“Fuck.” He rests his forehead on my spine. “Fucking tight.”
He plays and softens me. My body pliant and eager, I push back, relaxing against his fingers but craving something more. Something deeper. Something I’ve only wished he could give me. The water is losing its warm edge but I don’t care. “Ian, please.”
Granting me mercy, his cock rubs against my hole.
It’s only now I’m hyperaware of how long it’s been.
I don’t say a word as he slips inside, but I bite my cheek and breathe through the pleasure and flash of pain as he fits himself deep.
Ian’s hand splays against my stomach before reaching down and stroking my half-hard dick. “You okay?”
I nod, reaching behind him and grabbing his ass, pulling him closer. “More.” I look back as he rains soft kisses along my shoulder. I need more and don’t want this to stop. As he rolls his hips, my body begins to unwind and soften for him.
“Holy shit, Jules.”
Neither the cool water nor slight stretch could stop me right now.
This tight feeling balls inside me, Ian’s chest pressed tight to my back as he fucks me in slow, languid strokes.
The water turns cold but his warmth keeps me grounded.
Our moans echo in the small space. He hugs me tight.
Fucks me hard and strokes my cock. My thighs begin to tremble.
“You feel so good,” I groan then grab the arm around my chest. “Fuck, you’re deep inside me. ”
He jerks me faster and fucks me harder. I let him use my body however he needs.
I feel his thrusts grow sloppy, his groans bouncing off the shower tiles.
“Fuck, I’m coming. I’m coming, Jules.” His hips snap hard, filling me in rough bursts.
I push against him, needing him deeper. My body grows sensitive, but it’s like he feels this and pulls out of me.
He turns me around and drops to his knees, sucking and jerking me in tandem, groaning along my shaft.
His free hand slides between my legs and he slips two fingers inside me. My head smacks the shower wall.
“Fuck, Ian.” My fingers crawl into his hair, squeezing his strands.
“That’s it. Fuck yeah.” I watch him, mouth so full of me.
“I’m coming.” He buries his face in my pubes as I unload into his mouth and let him suck me dry.
He pulls off, and I grab my dick, slapping it against his tongue with a smile.
“Fuck, you look beautiful down there.” He begins to shake and I think for a moment he’s crying, but he looks up, hitting me with a grin. “What’s so funny?”
“I don’t know.” He laughs. “I’m just so fucking happy.” I haul him to his feet, backing him up against the tiled wall. I cup his face, kissing him hard. “I’m freezing.”
Me too.
He shuts off the water and we finally dress. I keep waiting for the unease to hit, but it doesn’t, as Ian can’t stop the grin on his handsome face. He falls on top of the bed, arms spread wide. Easy and light. I can’t resist straddling his waist, and his hands go to my hips.
This is everything I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember, but the thing is, it has to be what Ian wants too.
The scary thing is, I’m not sure if he ever fully will.